Light in the Shadows
Page 71
“Sure. I’ll just switch my shift at the coffee shop with someone.”
“If it’s too much of a hassle, we can do it another time,” I assured her. Maggie gripped my forearm, her fingers digging into my skin.
“No, I’ll be there,” she said emphatically and I leaned down to kiss the top of her head. I felt the sensation of eyes on me. When I looked up I saw that f**kwad, Jake Fitzsimmons staring at us. He looked extremely unhappy at seeing Maggie and I together.
Maybe it was juvenile, but I couldn’t help but sling my arm around Maggie’s shoulders and smirk at Jake, who had yet to look away. I felt a flash of sadistic satisfaction at the way his jaw tensed up right before he broke eye contact. That’s right ass**le, she’s mine. Get that through your thick f**king head.
“Clay?” I realized that Maggie had been talking but I had been so fixated on my testosterone show down that I hadn’t heard her. She followed my line of sight and gave a frustrated snort.
“Really, Clay? Do you want me to hold my leg out so you can pee on it? How about tattoo your name on my forehead? Leave Jake alone, okay?” She moved out from underneath my arm and I felt my paranoid anger resurface.
Why was she defending him? Was there more to their relationship than I realized? It was irrational but I became suspicious. I grabbed her arm. Not hard, just firmly, so that she couldn’t move away from me. She looked down at my hand gripping her arm and I saw her face go pale.
I quickly realized what I was doing and dropped my hand. Shit. What was wrong with me?
“Sorry,” I muttered, running my hand over the spot I had just held, maybe too harshly. Maggie’s arm was tense and I moved back a fraction. “I don’t have any reason to be jealous. I’m being dumb,” I said quietly, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
“Yeah, you were. I’m not having this conversation about Jake again. It’s stupid.” Maggie hurried off toward our normal table and I wasn’t so sure I should follow. I watched as Daniel and Rachel greeted her and I was relieved that neither of her friends had witnessed our altercation.
I clenched my hand into a fist and felt like smashing it into the concrete wall beside me.
See, this is what I was afraid of. The longer I was in Davidson, the closer I came to being that other Clay. It was as though everything I had learned in treatment was being lost in the day to day effort to be normal. Maggie looked up and caught my eye. She didn’t look happy. I couldn’t blame her. I had been a certifiable ass**le. A crazy jealous boyfriend. And over what? Because some dude was staring at my girl? How insecure was I that I couldn’t handle that?
I made a conscious choice then to not run from my gigantic f**k up. I bought my lunch and walked with purpose to the lunch table shared by Maggie and her friends. She didn’t look at me as I sat down beside her. Rachel and Daniel wore similar expressions of distrustful wariness.
“I’m sorry, Maggie,” I said sincerely, loud enough for her friends to hear. I wasn’t going to hide what I had done. I wasn’t going to act like nothing had happened. I wouldn’t manipulate her into forgiving my shitty behavior. I would own up and hope that she forgave me.
“I got jealous. I know you and Jake have been close. Especially since I was gone. And he’s always looking at you. And yeah, it pisses me off. But that never gives me the right to put my hands on you. To restrain you or to make you afraid. My feelings have to do with me, not you.” I sucked in a breath and waited for the crucifixion.
I looked from Rachel to Daniel, ready to accept the stones they wanted to throw. Daniel’s eyes were cool as he assessed me. Rachel looked sad.
“Do I need to remind you of the fact I will take you out at the kneecaps if you f**k with her, man? Seriously. We are not going to sit around and watch you do this shit again,” Daniel growled and Rachel put a hand on his arm in an effort to calm him down.
I met his hard gaze and nodded. “No, I don’t need the reminder. I know damn well what you will do. And I’m okay with that. I was a jerk,” my voice cracked and I felt my throat tighten up.
Maggie shook her head and didn’t say anything. We ate our lunch in uncomfortable silence and I was sure I had screwed everything up all over again. But when Maggie got to her feet she looked down at me, her face heavy with emotion.
“I’ll meet you after school tomorrow for your appointment. But I’ve got to go.” And with that she left. I didn’t say anything more to Daniel or Rachel. I picked up my tray and left the cafeteria. I didn’t follow Maggie. I thought about leaving her a note in her locker, the way I had done way too many times before.
But that was something the old Clay would have done. The new Clay had to break the pattern. Even if it was reaching out to strangle me.
***
I waited by my car after school on Thursday. I hadn’t talked to Maggie since yesterday. I knew she was taking a step back. And for once I gave her space. I didn’t stalk her like a psychopath. Though I had tried to call her last night. When she didn’t answer, I simply left her a message telling her that I loved her and left it at that.
I had met with the guidance counselor again at lunch time. He was really pressing me to make some decisions about after graduation. I was really uncomfortable doing that. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and commit to some idealization of what I wanted for my life. But right now, with things being held together by a thread, I didn’t think that was the smartest idea.
While goals were important, therapy encouraged them in fact, I just wasn’t ready to put them to paper. Right now, I had to try and get through this vicious backslide I was finding myself in.
“If it’s too much of a hassle, we can do it another time,” I assured her. Maggie gripped my forearm, her fingers digging into my skin.
“No, I’ll be there,” she said emphatically and I leaned down to kiss the top of her head. I felt the sensation of eyes on me. When I looked up I saw that f**kwad, Jake Fitzsimmons staring at us. He looked extremely unhappy at seeing Maggie and I together.
Maybe it was juvenile, but I couldn’t help but sling my arm around Maggie’s shoulders and smirk at Jake, who had yet to look away. I felt a flash of sadistic satisfaction at the way his jaw tensed up right before he broke eye contact. That’s right ass**le, she’s mine. Get that through your thick f**king head.
“Clay?” I realized that Maggie had been talking but I had been so fixated on my testosterone show down that I hadn’t heard her. She followed my line of sight and gave a frustrated snort.
“Really, Clay? Do you want me to hold my leg out so you can pee on it? How about tattoo your name on my forehead? Leave Jake alone, okay?” She moved out from underneath my arm and I felt my paranoid anger resurface.
Why was she defending him? Was there more to their relationship than I realized? It was irrational but I became suspicious. I grabbed her arm. Not hard, just firmly, so that she couldn’t move away from me. She looked down at my hand gripping her arm and I saw her face go pale.
I quickly realized what I was doing and dropped my hand. Shit. What was wrong with me?
“Sorry,” I muttered, running my hand over the spot I had just held, maybe too harshly. Maggie’s arm was tense and I moved back a fraction. “I don’t have any reason to be jealous. I’m being dumb,” I said quietly, feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
“Yeah, you were. I’m not having this conversation about Jake again. It’s stupid.” Maggie hurried off toward our normal table and I wasn’t so sure I should follow. I watched as Daniel and Rachel greeted her and I was relieved that neither of her friends had witnessed our altercation.
I clenched my hand into a fist and felt like smashing it into the concrete wall beside me.
See, this is what I was afraid of. The longer I was in Davidson, the closer I came to being that other Clay. It was as though everything I had learned in treatment was being lost in the day to day effort to be normal. Maggie looked up and caught my eye. She didn’t look happy. I couldn’t blame her. I had been a certifiable ass**le. A crazy jealous boyfriend. And over what? Because some dude was staring at my girl? How insecure was I that I couldn’t handle that?
I made a conscious choice then to not run from my gigantic f**k up. I bought my lunch and walked with purpose to the lunch table shared by Maggie and her friends. She didn’t look at me as I sat down beside her. Rachel and Daniel wore similar expressions of distrustful wariness.
“I’m sorry, Maggie,” I said sincerely, loud enough for her friends to hear. I wasn’t going to hide what I had done. I wasn’t going to act like nothing had happened. I wouldn’t manipulate her into forgiving my shitty behavior. I would own up and hope that she forgave me.
“I got jealous. I know you and Jake have been close. Especially since I was gone. And he’s always looking at you. And yeah, it pisses me off. But that never gives me the right to put my hands on you. To restrain you or to make you afraid. My feelings have to do with me, not you.” I sucked in a breath and waited for the crucifixion.
I looked from Rachel to Daniel, ready to accept the stones they wanted to throw. Daniel’s eyes were cool as he assessed me. Rachel looked sad.
“Do I need to remind you of the fact I will take you out at the kneecaps if you f**k with her, man? Seriously. We are not going to sit around and watch you do this shit again,” Daniel growled and Rachel put a hand on his arm in an effort to calm him down.
I met his hard gaze and nodded. “No, I don’t need the reminder. I know damn well what you will do. And I’m okay with that. I was a jerk,” my voice cracked and I felt my throat tighten up.
Maggie shook her head and didn’t say anything. We ate our lunch in uncomfortable silence and I was sure I had screwed everything up all over again. But when Maggie got to her feet she looked down at me, her face heavy with emotion.
“I’ll meet you after school tomorrow for your appointment. But I’ve got to go.” And with that she left. I didn’t say anything more to Daniel or Rachel. I picked up my tray and left the cafeteria. I didn’t follow Maggie. I thought about leaving her a note in her locker, the way I had done way too many times before.
But that was something the old Clay would have done. The new Clay had to break the pattern. Even if it was reaching out to strangle me.
***
I waited by my car after school on Thursday. I hadn’t talked to Maggie since yesterday. I knew she was taking a step back. And for once I gave her space. I didn’t stalk her like a psychopath. Though I had tried to call her last night. When she didn’t answer, I simply left her a message telling her that I loved her and left it at that.
I had met with the guidance counselor again at lunch time. He was really pressing me to make some decisions about after graduation. I was really uncomfortable doing that. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and commit to some idealization of what I wanted for my life. But right now, with things being held together by a thread, I didn’t think that was the smartest idea.
While goals were important, therapy encouraged them in fact, I just wasn’t ready to put them to paper. Right now, I had to try and get through this vicious backslide I was finding myself in.
