Like a Memory
Page 17
“I would’ve come back here. I’d have probably moved in with my grandpop to be close to you if I’d known.”
It hadn’t been meant to be that way. He loved his parents and sisters, his life in Rosemary Beach and it was there that he needed to stay. He belonged with them and not me. Him coming here wouldn’t have been good for Nate or his family. My guilt, over that, wouldn’t have helped my fight, and back then I fought every minute.
“We were kids. Things happen. We become different people. It’s the past now, let’s just leave it.”
Nate studied me intensely without looking away or trying to argue some point. I could see his mind working right there in the steadiness of his gaze and stance. When he finally released a sigh he nodded and said “okay.” That was all he said.
I didn’t want him to see the disappointment in my eyes so I turned back to the window. My mind was no longer focused on my work. He had agreed. He hadn’t argued. I should be relieved. The fact I wanted him to argue was silly. Childish and I wasn’t childish, not anymore I wasn’t.
I listened as he walked away. I heard the back door open and close. I squeezed my eyes tightly together wishing the ache in my chest would vanish. Leave me be for a while. Give me some peace and tranquility.
I was finally free, living on my own and had a grown-up life. Being sad was pointless now. I had so much to be happy about. I wanted that happiness I saw on other faces and wishing for something far from my reach was wasting time and effort. I knew how fleeting time could be, because I’d almost run completely out.
Once I thought that the scripture in the Bible about not being promised tomorrow was depressing and lacked any joy. Now I knew it was real. Something we all needed to accept. I did, so why was I wasting it on wishing Nate Finlay was tomorrow, the tomorrow I would claim as my future? Instead of just being my past?
Nate Finlay
I DIDN’T INTEND to stay in the back all morning. But I had. I wanted to think about what she’d said and figure out how to deal with her. I should agree and accept her suggestion. If I had more time to think about it, I knew I would have changed my mind.
But I didn’t.
Ten minutes before I was going to get Bliss and take her to lunch again Octavia came barreling in the back door with her arms full of shopping bags and a huge smile on her face.
Shit. This was too soon. I wasn’t ready for her yet. Which should’ve been a sign I acknowledged. Wanting her to stay away.
“The window looks amazing. She’s brilliant. Didn’t I tell you I’d found a perfect match for the store, a girl that knew what she was doing? She’s also easy to train. Not old and snooty. She does what I say and doesn’t question me. I like her.” Those were the first words out of her mouth after not seeing me for almost a month.
Until I returned to Sea Breeze and saw Bliss this was normal. Exactly what I wanted. It was easy, without drama, and there was no real attachment. Fuck this place and my stupid memories. What I had was perfect.
“Haven’t seen her window display yet. I’ve been back here installing the shelves you ordered.”
She frowned as she looked at the shelves. “Not as big as I had imagined.”
Octavia needed a handy man or had to make it easier for me. All she had to do was measure correctly and she would always have the proper size. I could tell her that but then she’d get pissy and have me pack it back up.
“I’ll just order a few more sets I suppose,” she said with a wave of her hand, as if this were an easy fix and she had no time to stress over it. I wondered how long this was going to entertain her? When it would become boring and she would walk away and want something else to sustain her, another fucking whim she’d abandon? Her father always granted her wishes. This was just another expedition, Octavia would eventually ignore.
The name of the store should be Whimsy’s or Whimsical or Octavia’s . . . I Don’t Really Care. That was all this was. She’d never admit that was true. When you’re enabled and rescued time and again you don’t have to look at yourself. It’s like a mirror without any glass. All you see is your next big screw up.
“I’m starving. Have you found anywhere good to eat?”
“My grandpops,” was my response. She knew it would be. Just like I knew she would scrunch her nose in distaste.
“No thanks. I’ll Google it. Go wash up and let’s take Bliss to have a decent lunch. I need to keep her around.”
“Bliss likes grandpops,” I shot back. That was asking for trouble. But damn if Octavia didn’t suddenly annoy me and it only took twenty fucking minutes.
She didn’t even turn back. “Of course she does. She’s simple.”
Then she walked through the door to the front of the store, her high and mighty completely intact.
Bliss wasn’t simple. Not by a long shot.
I went to the restroom, washed my hands then stared at myself in the mirror. I needed mental preparation for this. To remind myself why I chose Octavia and why Bliss wasn’t a fit. I had no place in my heart or future for all that Bliss would require. And if I admitted that . . . the idea that I could let myself love her and then have her cancer come back, scared the shit out of me.
That would break me into pieces. I wasn’t willing to be broken or made that vulnerable, which was selfish and all about my safety, the most fucking selfish thought I’d ever had and I was pretty damn sure I’d had plenty. But it was true and I accepted my truths. I didn’t pretend to be noble. At least not anymore . . .
Seven years ago . . .
I was early. Bliss told me to meet her at our spot on the beach around ten this morning. It was nine thirty. I didn’t want her to get here before me. Not after yesterday. She’d let me kiss her and it was hands down the best kiss I’d ever had. Not that I’d had that many. And I wasn’t counting Lila Kate. Neither one of us had kissed anyone before three years ago when we decided to practice on one other. It grossed us both out. Like kissing a sibling. Didn’t happen again.
Kissing Bliss had been amazing. She smelled like the coconut in her tanning oil along with something else. It was unique to her and I couldn’t get enough of it. When I leaned in to kiss her last night I was afraid she’d push me away. She hadn’t. She’d slipped her hands up my arms and linked her fingers behind my neck. It’d been hard to let go after that.
So this morning I’m waiting on her. Making sure she knew that the kiss meant a lot, that she was special and that I loved her. I hadn’t really thought love was possible until you were older and experienced. I realized I was wrong. My heart was so damn tight when I looked at her that it ached when she walked away. I wasn’t sure there was any definitive thing that could explain what love was. To me this was my definition.
“You’re Nate Finlay aren’t you?” I turned to see a girl whose body advertised that she was at least eighteen. Her boobs were about to spill from her bikini. They were the biggest I’d seen close up. Her long blonde hair was thrown over her shoulder and the tanned skin she so generously exposed was shiny with oil and early sweat. If I hadn’t grown up on a beach then this might be exciting. But I was a Finlay and in my world I had this in my face quite often, especially at the country club.
I wasn’t sure how the girl knew my name. I shrugged my shoulders and glanced back down the beach looking for Bliss with urgency. “Yeah, but I don’t know you.”
It hadn’t been meant to be that way. He loved his parents and sisters, his life in Rosemary Beach and it was there that he needed to stay. He belonged with them and not me. Him coming here wouldn’t have been good for Nate or his family. My guilt, over that, wouldn’t have helped my fight, and back then I fought every minute.
“We were kids. Things happen. We become different people. It’s the past now, let’s just leave it.”
Nate studied me intensely without looking away or trying to argue some point. I could see his mind working right there in the steadiness of his gaze and stance. When he finally released a sigh he nodded and said “okay.” That was all he said.
I didn’t want him to see the disappointment in my eyes so I turned back to the window. My mind was no longer focused on my work. He had agreed. He hadn’t argued. I should be relieved. The fact I wanted him to argue was silly. Childish and I wasn’t childish, not anymore I wasn’t.
I listened as he walked away. I heard the back door open and close. I squeezed my eyes tightly together wishing the ache in my chest would vanish. Leave me be for a while. Give me some peace and tranquility.
I was finally free, living on my own and had a grown-up life. Being sad was pointless now. I had so much to be happy about. I wanted that happiness I saw on other faces and wishing for something far from my reach was wasting time and effort. I knew how fleeting time could be, because I’d almost run completely out.
Once I thought that the scripture in the Bible about not being promised tomorrow was depressing and lacked any joy. Now I knew it was real. Something we all needed to accept. I did, so why was I wasting it on wishing Nate Finlay was tomorrow, the tomorrow I would claim as my future? Instead of just being my past?
Nate Finlay
I DIDN’T INTEND to stay in the back all morning. But I had. I wanted to think about what she’d said and figure out how to deal with her. I should agree and accept her suggestion. If I had more time to think about it, I knew I would have changed my mind.
But I didn’t.
Ten minutes before I was going to get Bliss and take her to lunch again Octavia came barreling in the back door with her arms full of shopping bags and a huge smile on her face.
Shit. This was too soon. I wasn’t ready for her yet. Which should’ve been a sign I acknowledged. Wanting her to stay away.
“The window looks amazing. She’s brilliant. Didn’t I tell you I’d found a perfect match for the store, a girl that knew what she was doing? She’s also easy to train. Not old and snooty. She does what I say and doesn’t question me. I like her.” Those were the first words out of her mouth after not seeing me for almost a month.
Until I returned to Sea Breeze and saw Bliss this was normal. Exactly what I wanted. It was easy, without drama, and there was no real attachment. Fuck this place and my stupid memories. What I had was perfect.
“Haven’t seen her window display yet. I’ve been back here installing the shelves you ordered.”
She frowned as she looked at the shelves. “Not as big as I had imagined.”
Octavia needed a handy man or had to make it easier for me. All she had to do was measure correctly and she would always have the proper size. I could tell her that but then she’d get pissy and have me pack it back up.
“I’ll just order a few more sets I suppose,” she said with a wave of her hand, as if this were an easy fix and she had no time to stress over it. I wondered how long this was going to entertain her? When it would become boring and she would walk away and want something else to sustain her, another fucking whim she’d abandon? Her father always granted her wishes. This was just another expedition, Octavia would eventually ignore.
The name of the store should be Whimsy’s or Whimsical or Octavia’s . . . I Don’t Really Care. That was all this was. She’d never admit that was true. When you’re enabled and rescued time and again you don’t have to look at yourself. It’s like a mirror without any glass. All you see is your next big screw up.
“I’m starving. Have you found anywhere good to eat?”
“My grandpops,” was my response. She knew it would be. Just like I knew she would scrunch her nose in distaste.
“No thanks. I’ll Google it. Go wash up and let’s take Bliss to have a decent lunch. I need to keep her around.”
“Bliss likes grandpops,” I shot back. That was asking for trouble. But damn if Octavia didn’t suddenly annoy me and it only took twenty fucking minutes.
She didn’t even turn back. “Of course she does. She’s simple.”
Then she walked through the door to the front of the store, her high and mighty completely intact.
Bliss wasn’t simple. Not by a long shot.
I went to the restroom, washed my hands then stared at myself in the mirror. I needed mental preparation for this. To remind myself why I chose Octavia and why Bliss wasn’t a fit. I had no place in my heart or future for all that Bliss would require. And if I admitted that . . . the idea that I could let myself love her and then have her cancer come back, scared the shit out of me.
That would break me into pieces. I wasn’t willing to be broken or made that vulnerable, which was selfish and all about my safety, the most fucking selfish thought I’d ever had and I was pretty damn sure I’d had plenty. But it was true and I accepted my truths. I didn’t pretend to be noble. At least not anymore . . .
Seven years ago . . .
I was early. Bliss told me to meet her at our spot on the beach around ten this morning. It was nine thirty. I didn’t want her to get here before me. Not after yesterday. She’d let me kiss her and it was hands down the best kiss I’d ever had. Not that I’d had that many. And I wasn’t counting Lila Kate. Neither one of us had kissed anyone before three years ago when we decided to practice on one other. It grossed us both out. Like kissing a sibling. Didn’t happen again.
Kissing Bliss had been amazing. She smelled like the coconut in her tanning oil along with something else. It was unique to her and I couldn’t get enough of it. When I leaned in to kiss her last night I was afraid she’d push me away. She hadn’t. She’d slipped her hands up my arms and linked her fingers behind my neck. It’d been hard to let go after that.
So this morning I’m waiting on her. Making sure she knew that the kiss meant a lot, that she was special and that I loved her. I hadn’t really thought love was possible until you were older and experienced. I realized I was wrong. My heart was so damn tight when I looked at her that it ached when she walked away. I wasn’t sure there was any definitive thing that could explain what love was. To me this was my definition.
“You’re Nate Finlay aren’t you?” I turned to see a girl whose body advertised that she was at least eighteen. Her boobs were about to spill from her bikini. They were the biggest I’d seen close up. Her long blonde hair was thrown over her shoulder and the tanned skin she so generously exposed was shiny with oil and early sweat. If I hadn’t grown up on a beach then this might be exciting. But I was a Finlay and in my world I had this in my face quite often, especially at the country club.
I wasn’t sure how the girl knew my name. I shrugged my shoulders and glanced back down the beach looking for Bliss with urgency. “Yeah, but I don’t know you.”
