Like a Memory
Page 37
“Do you think someone is making sure he eats?”
Eli walked over and sat at my feet on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Now that I know what happened, what I saw last night makes sense. I think that his dad came here to get him. Didn’t want him to drive. Brought the other man to drive his truck home. I watched his dad hug him tightly. I think he’s being watched over. He’s not alone.”
“He has good parents,” I said more for my sake than anything. Reminding myself what I knew already.
“I’m glad.”
I nodded and finally sat up. “He blames me. He blames us. What we did. Him breaking up with her because of me. I . . . I kissed him before he broke up with her. Maybe I am to blame. He could hate me and be justified.” I dropped my head into my hands. “I just don’t understand it. How someone can be so upset that they take their life knowing the devastation they’ll leave behind.”
Eli let out a deep sigh. “I don’t either. But we don’t know where her head was. She could have been in a twisted dark place and didn’t know how to ask for help. Who to ask.”
That wasn’t enough for me. Maybe Eli thought she had an excuse but I didn’t She just took lives like they weren’t meaningful. Like every breath we take isn’t a gift. Because it is. I knew that. I knew that every time I saw the sunrise it wasn’t something to take for granted. It was something to be thankful for. It wasn’t to be tossed away. Life was special. No matter how hard it got it could get better. You had to trust that.
“I know you fought to live, Bliss. You see life as the precious gift it is. I also know that is what you’re sitting there battling over in your head. But people have problems. Their brains betray them. They need help maybe even medication. You don’t know what her thoughts were when she did it.”
For now, I just needed him to stop. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t believe it. The wake of sorrow that her selfish choices made would never heal.
Nate Finlay
I COULD HEAR their voices downstairs. They were all here. Both my sisters. My Uncle Grant, Aunt Harlow and Lila Kate. Aunt Nan, Uncle Cope, Finn, and I could even hear Calla’s loud voice. They’d let her out of school today it seems. They were all here for me. It was my family. It’s what we did. We were there for each other.
Although I expected this I didn’t want it. Having Dad show up last night and drive me home had been what I needed. The fact I was too emotionally fucked up to drive hadn’t registered then. But when he and Uncle Grant stepped out of the truck I knew that I wanted them there.
The large group downstairs, I didn’t want. I needed to be left alone. They couldn’t cheer me up. They didn’t understand it all. No one knew what had happened exactly. They were blaming this on Octavia coming off her meds. She dealt with depression. What I hadn’t told anyone was that I might have put that rope around her neck.
I knew now she wanted to tell me about the baby. I’d told her I didn’t care with my response. All because I loved Bliss York. Love wasn’t supposed to cause this. It was supposed to make you happy and all that shit that was downstairs. Married people that I’d grown up watching and wondering if love was that great. Or just a lot of work.
When I finally think maybe they were all on to something, I’m thrown into a nightmare. Fuck being in love. I had wanted easy. I had chosen something more and it screwed up everything. It hurt so many people. It had taken my son. My son. I’d had a son.
But he was gone. Just like his mother. So quickly. So needlessly.
My door opened and mom stepped inside and closed it behind her. The apologetic look on her face told me she knew I didn’t want them all here.
“They’re worried about you,” she said simply.
I understood that. But I still wanted privacy.
“You can come eat with us or I’ll bring you up breakfast. But you’ve got to eat.”
Last night she had been out at the truck before I could even step out of it. Like dad she’d wrapped me in her arms. Her face had been wet with tears and her eyes red and swollen. She hadn’t said anything but that she loved me.
There had been nothing more to say. She understood me better than anyone. Even dad. Like now. She was quietly coming to check on me. Knowing I wouldn’t want to go down there and face them all.
“I’ll come down to eat. If I don’t they’ll all start coming up here.” I didn’t want to but not eating wasn’t happening with Blaire Finlay. She was stubborn.
“I’d like to do a memorial service with just family for him,” she said the words so quietly I almost didn’t hear her. Him. My son. The one who wasn’t given a chance. The pain tore through me again so fiercely I winced. But she was right. We should. He deserved to be remembered. His life acknowledged
“Okay,” I replied.
She nodded and tears filled her eyes. She walked over to pull me into her arms again. “He would have been beautiful. Just like you.”
I didn’t want to think about that now. Maybe one day I’d be able to think of how he would look. What he would have been like. But not now. I wasn’t ready. I let my mother grieve in her own way.
She let me go and kissed my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Come when you’re ready,” she told me before turning to leave the room.
I wasn’t sure I would be ready in the next year but that wasn’t what she meant. She wanted me to come in the next hour. Getting this over with so I could return to my solitude was the best I could do.
Grabbing a tee shirt, I pulled it on to go with the sweat pants I had slept in. I didn’t care about my hair or brushing my teeth. If my breath stunk they might keep their distance. I prepared myself for all the well meant love and support I was about to walk into and headed downstairs.
Aunt Nan was talking about Calla getting a bad grade and her threat to pull her out of cheerleading when I walked into the room. They all seemed to notice me at once and the room went silent. No one moved except for Aunt Nan. She immediately got up from her chair and came straight to me. Grabbed my arms and kissed my cheek hard then pulled me tightly into a hug. “You’re strong, Nate Finlay. Tough as nails. You’re going to hurt in a way I can’t imagine but you will make it through. You will find happiness and you will be okay.” Her words were said with such conviction I almost believed them.
I hugged her back and whispered a “thanks” even though I didn’t think I deserved to ever be okay. When she let me go she turned to my mother. “I’ll fix him some coffee while you get his plate ready.”
Mom was already working on my food as she nodded.
“Now don’t you all stand around here acting like the sound of your voices are going to break him. Talk dammit,” Uncle Grant’s words would have made me smile if there was a chance I could have.
They all started slowly talking again. Mom put my plate down across from where my dad was sitting with his coffee. He had been silent but his steady gaze had been on me. I looked at him and the solemn expression in his eyes said more than any words. He was worried about me and wanted to fix this but knew he couldn’t.
“You sleep?” he asked as I sat down.
“Some.”
He nodded and took a drink of his coffee. His eyes shifted to Uncle Grant as he sat down beside me. “Love you, kid,” he told me as he squeezed my shoulder.
Eli walked over and sat at my feet on the edge of the bed. “Yes. Now that I know what happened, what I saw last night makes sense. I think that his dad came here to get him. Didn’t want him to drive. Brought the other man to drive his truck home. I watched his dad hug him tightly. I think he’s being watched over. He’s not alone.”
“He has good parents,” I said more for my sake than anything. Reminding myself what I knew already.
“I’m glad.”
I nodded and finally sat up. “He blames me. He blames us. What we did. Him breaking up with her because of me. I . . . I kissed him before he broke up with her. Maybe I am to blame. He could hate me and be justified.” I dropped my head into my hands. “I just don’t understand it. How someone can be so upset that they take their life knowing the devastation they’ll leave behind.”
Eli let out a deep sigh. “I don’t either. But we don’t know where her head was. She could have been in a twisted dark place and didn’t know how to ask for help. Who to ask.”
That wasn’t enough for me. Maybe Eli thought she had an excuse but I didn’t She just took lives like they weren’t meaningful. Like every breath we take isn’t a gift. Because it is. I knew that. I knew that every time I saw the sunrise it wasn’t something to take for granted. It was something to be thankful for. It wasn’t to be tossed away. Life was special. No matter how hard it got it could get better. You had to trust that.
“I know you fought to live, Bliss. You see life as the precious gift it is. I also know that is what you’re sitting there battling over in your head. But people have problems. Their brains betray them. They need help maybe even medication. You don’t know what her thoughts were when she did it.”
For now, I just needed him to stop. I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t believe it. The wake of sorrow that her selfish choices made would never heal.
Nate Finlay
I COULD HEAR their voices downstairs. They were all here. Both my sisters. My Uncle Grant, Aunt Harlow and Lila Kate. Aunt Nan, Uncle Cope, Finn, and I could even hear Calla’s loud voice. They’d let her out of school today it seems. They were all here for me. It was my family. It’s what we did. We were there for each other.
Although I expected this I didn’t want it. Having Dad show up last night and drive me home had been what I needed. The fact I was too emotionally fucked up to drive hadn’t registered then. But when he and Uncle Grant stepped out of the truck I knew that I wanted them there.
The large group downstairs, I didn’t want. I needed to be left alone. They couldn’t cheer me up. They didn’t understand it all. No one knew what had happened exactly. They were blaming this on Octavia coming off her meds. She dealt with depression. What I hadn’t told anyone was that I might have put that rope around her neck.
I knew now she wanted to tell me about the baby. I’d told her I didn’t care with my response. All because I loved Bliss York. Love wasn’t supposed to cause this. It was supposed to make you happy and all that shit that was downstairs. Married people that I’d grown up watching and wondering if love was that great. Or just a lot of work.
When I finally think maybe they were all on to something, I’m thrown into a nightmare. Fuck being in love. I had wanted easy. I had chosen something more and it screwed up everything. It hurt so many people. It had taken my son. My son. I’d had a son.
But he was gone. Just like his mother. So quickly. So needlessly.
My door opened and mom stepped inside and closed it behind her. The apologetic look on her face told me she knew I didn’t want them all here.
“They’re worried about you,” she said simply.
I understood that. But I still wanted privacy.
“You can come eat with us or I’ll bring you up breakfast. But you’ve got to eat.”
Last night she had been out at the truck before I could even step out of it. Like dad she’d wrapped me in her arms. Her face had been wet with tears and her eyes red and swollen. She hadn’t said anything but that she loved me.
There had been nothing more to say. She understood me better than anyone. Even dad. Like now. She was quietly coming to check on me. Knowing I wouldn’t want to go down there and face them all.
“I’ll come down to eat. If I don’t they’ll all start coming up here.” I didn’t want to but not eating wasn’t happening with Blaire Finlay. She was stubborn.
“I’d like to do a memorial service with just family for him,” she said the words so quietly I almost didn’t hear her. Him. My son. The one who wasn’t given a chance. The pain tore through me again so fiercely I winced. But she was right. We should. He deserved to be remembered. His life acknowledged
“Okay,” I replied.
She nodded and tears filled her eyes. She walked over to pull me into her arms again. “He would have been beautiful. Just like you.”
I didn’t want to think about that now. Maybe one day I’d be able to think of how he would look. What he would have been like. But not now. I wasn’t ready. I let my mother grieve in her own way.
She let me go and kissed my cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Come when you’re ready,” she told me before turning to leave the room.
I wasn’t sure I would be ready in the next year but that wasn’t what she meant. She wanted me to come in the next hour. Getting this over with so I could return to my solitude was the best I could do.
Grabbing a tee shirt, I pulled it on to go with the sweat pants I had slept in. I didn’t care about my hair or brushing my teeth. If my breath stunk they might keep their distance. I prepared myself for all the well meant love and support I was about to walk into and headed downstairs.
Aunt Nan was talking about Calla getting a bad grade and her threat to pull her out of cheerleading when I walked into the room. They all seemed to notice me at once and the room went silent. No one moved except for Aunt Nan. She immediately got up from her chair and came straight to me. Grabbed my arms and kissed my cheek hard then pulled me tightly into a hug. “You’re strong, Nate Finlay. Tough as nails. You’re going to hurt in a way I can’t imagine but you will make it through. You will find happiness and you will be okay.” Her words were said with such conviction I almost believed them.
I hugged her back and whispered a “thanks” even though I didn’t think I deserved to ever be okay. When she let me go she turned to my mother. “I’ll fix him some coffee while you get his plate ready.”
Mom was already working on my food as she nodded.
“Now don’t you all stand around here acting like the sound of your voices are going to break him. Talk dammit,” Uncle Grant’s words would have made me smile if there was a chance I could have.
They all started slowly talking again. Mom put my plate down across from where my dad was sitting with his coffee. He had been silent but his steady gaze had been on me. I looked at him and the solemn expression in his eyes said more than any words. He was worried about me and wanted to fix this but knew he couldn’t.
“You sleep?” he asked as I sat down.
“Some.”
He nodded and took a drink of his coffee. His eyes shifted to Uncle Grant as he sat down beside me. “Love you, kid,” he told me as he squeezed my shoulder.
