Logan Kade
Page 73
“I want…” I would not break down. That was all I could focus on, but I forced myself to say, “I don’t want space, but I need it.”
I finally looked up and saw a stricken look in his eyes. I’d surprised him. Good, I thought. There was no hurt. I hadn’t made him feel pain. “I need—I can’t hold on to you right now,” I continued. “I can’t destroy whatever we have. I can’t do that, Logan.”
He turned away and gazed out over the city. After a beat, his jaw hardened. “That’s bullshit.”
And there it was. The backlash. “Logan, I—”
“I fucking care about you. I told you about my mom. I told you about Mason. I don’t let people in, and I let you in.”
“Logan…”
“No—” He launched himself out of the car, rocking it a little with the sudden movement. He glared at me. “I’m not being conceited. That’s not what I’m doing here, but I let you in, Taylor. So many people want in, but you got in. You got in when my last girlfriend tried for an entire year to get in, and she didn’t. But you did. You!”
“Logan—” Letting him go now meant he couldn’t walk from me later. This was for the best. We would’ve ended anyway. Everything ended. Everyone walked away.
His nostrils flared. His hands curled into fists. He shook his head. “So because you surrounded yourself with shithead friends means I’m getting the boot? That’s fucked up, Taylor. Fucked. Up.”
“I can’t.” My voice was a whisper. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to prevent even more hurt later on. Don’t you see that?”
“What?” He leaned down, bracing his hands on the car’s door. His eyes stared directly into me. “You’re wrong. You’re so completely and fucked-up wrong. I live, Taylor.” He pointed to his chest. “I don’t turn shit off and hide. I live, and if that means going at the storm, I’ll go. I don’t hold back. I don’t flinch. I never second-guess. I do life. Otherwise, why the hell are we alive? Why are we here if we let our demons win? They don’t give a shit. They’re off doing their thing. You should, too. You’ve been through the fire already. Why are you still afraid? There’s no way in hell I’m going to let some ‘less than’ experience I had rule how I live the rest of my life. Whatever. Fuck you, Taylor. Fuck off. Oh, by the way, I took care of your jackass for you. He should leave you alone.”
And then he was gone.
I closed my eyes and knew it was done. I’d tried to walk away clean, but whatever I’d had with Logan Kade had been destroyed anyway, at my hand. I drew in a ragged breath. Fully alone now, I let the tears come.
Everyone left.
He would’ve gone, too. Eventually.
It was better to be broken now than beyond repair later.
ASSCHEEKS & CUPCAKES
LOGAN
Nate was in bed when I pushed open his door, flipped his lights on, and threw some clothes at him. “Get up.”
“What?” He jerked upright. His hand lifted, the fist formed already, but he relaxed when he saw it was me. He rubbed at his eyes. “Logan? What are you doing?”
“Whatever our problem is, I don’t care. I need a drinking buddy, and Mason’s all curled up with Sam. You’re it.”
He picked up the shirt I’d tossed on his bed and glared. “Gee. How could I resist that invitation?”
I chucked a pair of his jeans over from his chair and paced as he dressed. I needed more than a drinking buddy. I need a friend, and I needed someone who wouldn’t make me feel like shit because I wanted to screw three different girls tonight. Mason would have the damn I-know-you’re-hurting-but-is-this-really-smart? look on his face, and Sam would press her lips together and look away if she saw me heading off with a chick in hand. Neither of them understood that a good climax was the best escape at times.
Nate did, so Nate it was.
“All right.” Nate followed me out the door, running a hand through his hair.
He’d put on the shirt I gave him, but I could see now that it was ripped at the bottom. He looked ready to tear down the city. That was what I needed.
“I’m here, and where are we going?” he asked.
Downstairs, I pushed open the door, tossing and catching my keys in the air. “Blaze has a party.”
He grunted, following me to my Escalade. “Blaze always has a party. Does that kid sleep?” But when we got there, the house was dark.
“What the fuck?” Nate wondered.
I was about to text Blaze when the front door opened, and he darted toward the car, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward. He climbed into the backseat and waved.
“Hey, guys.”
“Dude.” Nate twisted around. “Where’s the party?”
“What?”
I pointed to the house. “Where’s the party?”
“Oh.” He laughed. “No way. Not at my house. I know of a party. That’s what I said.” He propped his hands on the back of our seats. “But I have to warn you. This party is a little sketch.”
“Sketch?” Nate asked.
“Yeah. There might be hard-core people there. So…” He looked at us. “I mean, we don’t have to go. We can go somewhere else.”
Nate looked at me. “Some girls from Pete’s Pub told me about a party. We could go there instead.”
I finally looked up and saw a stricken look in his eyes. I’d surprised him. Good, I thought. There was no hurt. I hadn’t made him feel pain. “I need—I can’t hold on to you right now,” I continued. “I can’t destroy whatever we have. I can’t do that, Logan.”
He turned away and gazed out over the city. After a beat, his jaw hardened. “That’s bullshit.”
And there it was. The backlash. “Logan, I—”
“I fucking care about you. I told you about my mom. I told you about Mason. I don’t let people in, and I let you in.”
“Logan…”
“No—” He launched himself out of the car, rocking it a little with the sudden movement. He glared at me. “I’m not being conceited. That’s not what I’m doing here, but I let you in, Taylor. So many people want in, but you got in. You got in when my last girlfriend tried for an entire year to get in, and she didn’t. But you did. You!”
“Logan—” Letting him go now meant he couldn’t walk from me later. This was for the best. We would’ve ended anyway. Everything ended. Everyone walked away.
His nostrils flared. His hands curled into fists. He shook his head. “So because you surrounded yourself with shithead friends means I’m getting the boot? That’s fucked up, Taylor. Fucked. Up.”
“I can’t.” My voice was a whisper. “I’m not doing this to hurt you. I’m doing this to prevent even more hurt later on. Don’t you see that?”
“What?” He leaned down, bracing his hands on the car’s door. His eyes stared directly into me. “You’re wrong. You’re so completely and fucked-up wrong. I live, Taylor.” He pointed to his chest. “I don’t turn shit off and hide. I live, and if that means going at the storm, I’ll go. I don’t hold back. I don’t flinch. I never second-guess. I do life. Otherwise, why the hell are we alive? Why are we here if we let our demons win? They don’t give a shit. They’re off doing their thing. You should, too. You’ve been through the fire already. Why are you still afraid? There’s no way in hell I’m going to let some ‘less than’ experience I had rule how I live the rest of my life. Whatever. Fuck you, Taylor. Fuck off. Oh, by the way, I took care of your jackass for you. He should leave you alone.”
And then he was gone.
I closed my eyes and knew it was done. I’d tried to walk away clean, but whatever I’d had with Logan Kade had been destroyed anyway, at my hand. I drew in a ragged breath. Fully alone now, I let the tears come.
Everyone left.
He would’ve gone, too. Eventually.
It was better to be broken now than beyond repair later.
ASSCHEEKS & CUPCAKES
LOGAN
Nate was in bed when I pushed open his door, flipped his lights on, and threw some clothes at him. “Get up.”
“What?” He jerked upright. His hand lifted, the fist formed already, but he relaxed when he saw it was me. He rubbed at his eyes. “Logan? What are you doing?”
“Whatever our problem is, I don’t care. I need a drinking buddy, and Mason’s all curled up with Sam. You’re it.”
He picked up the shirt I’d tossed on his bed and glared. “Gee. How could I resist that invitation?”
I chucked a pair of his jeans over from his chair and paced as he dressed. I needed more than a drinking buddy. I need a friend, and I needed someone who wouldn’t make me feel like shit because I wanted to screw three different girls tonight. Mason would have the damn I-know-you’re-hurting-but-is-this-really-smart? look on his face, and Sam would press her lips together and look away if she saw me heading off with a chick in hand. Neither of them understood that a good climax was the best escape at times.
Nate did, so Nate it was.
“All right.” Nate followed me out the door, running a hand through his hair.
He’d put on the shirt I gave him, but I could see now that it was ripped at the bottom. He looked ready to tear down the city. That was what I needed.
“I’m here, and where are we going?” he asked.
Downstairs, I pushed open the door, tossing and catching my keys in the air. “Blaze has a party.”
He grunted, following me to my Escalade. “Blaze always has a party. Does that kid sleep?” But when we got there, the house was dark.
“What the fuck?” Nate wondered.
I was about to text Blaze when the front door opened, and he darted toward the car, his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched forward. He climbed into the backseat and waved.
“Hey, guys.”
“Dude.” Nate twisted around. “Where’s the party?”
“What?”
I pointed to the house. “Where’s the party?”
“Oh.” He laughed. “No way. Not at my house. I know of a party. That’s what I said.” He propped his hands on the back of our seats. “But I have to warn you. This party is a little sketch.”
“Sketch?” Nate asked.
“Yeah. There might be hard-core people there. So…” He looked at us. “I mean, we don’t have to go. We can go somewhere else.”
Nate looked at me. “Some girls from Pete’s Pub told me about a party. We could go there instead.”
