Lost in Me
Page 20
Liz exhales heavily. “You’re stressing me out. Thank God we have chocolate.” She pops another truffle into her mouth and moans again as she chews. “Oh, hell, that’s better than sex.”
“No, it’s not,” Cally and Maggie say in unison. Then they giggle, and Maggie nudges me. “Come on. Don’t make me feel like the dirty ho here. I know you guys agree with me. That chocolate is good, but it’s not better than sex.”
“I wouldn’t remember,” Lizzy says. She takes the martini shaker back from Nix and takes a gulp.
“Sisters in unwanted abstinence,” Nix says.
Lizzy gives her a high five. “An exclusive club that no one wants to join.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter.
The girls stare at me, and Liz bites back a laugh. “Hanna just found out she and Max don’t have sex. She’s not taking it very well.”
Maggie’s eyes go wide. “But you’re, like, twenty-three. And you and Max have been together for months. How does that even happen?”
“She’s saving herself for marriage,” Lizzy says. “Who knew any of the Thompson girls would make it to marriage with her virginity? Mom would be so proud.”
“So you weren’t ha**g s*x with Nate Crane?” Cally asks.
“Apparently not,” I say.
“How do you know?” Nix asks quietly.
“I saw him over the weekend and asked. He said we didn’t.” I frown. “You’re my doctor. What do you know about this that I’m not remembering?”
Nix breaks a cracker in half and avoids my eyes. “We can have this conversation in private later.”
“I want to have it now. These ladies already know my worst secret. Tell me what you know.”
She holds up her hands in defense. “Nothing, really. I was not privy to the details of your sex life. And you certainly never told me you were involved with Nate Crane, sexually or otherwise.”
“But…” I prod.
“But you came in at the beginning of August and talked to me about birth-control options. You’d had some problems with headaches when you were on hormonal contraceptives in high school, so you wanted to know about some other options and decided that condoms and a diaphragm was the right combination for you.”
“So I got a diaphragm?”
“We fitted you for one.”
“Did I tell you anything else?”
She breaks another cracker and sweeps a small pile of crumbs in front of her. “You were still a virgin when we talked, according to you. But you didn’t think…”
“You’re killing me with the suspense,” Liz says. “She didn’t think what?”
Nix shrugs. “She didn’t think she’d make it more than a couple more weeks.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Cally says. “She could have been planning to sleep with Max.”
Thunder claps, and half a second later, the apartment goes black, blessedly ending the awkward conversation.
“Candles,” I announce. “I’ll find candles. And…matches or something.”
I hear a click, and the next thing I know, a single flame is illuminating my friends’ faces from the lighter in Nix’s hand. “I’ve got us halfway there.”
“You carry a lighter?”
“And a pocketknife,” she says proudly. “I had four Eagle Scouts for big brothers. Always be prepared and all that jazz.”
“Do you need help looking for the candles?” Liz asks.
“No. I know where to look.”
I head toward the bedroom, my mind still churning on the implications of what Nix just told me. If I was getting birth control only a couple of weeks before the accident, that could mean I’d decided to accept Max’s proposal. Or it could mean I’d decided to earn my scarlet letter after all.
“They’re not in the kitchen?” Maggie calls, and I can already hear her opening drawers and rummaging through them.
“Maybe, but I know I store scented candles in my drawers. They work better than sachets for keeping clothes smelling fresh.”
“She’s so girly,” Nix says. “I need you guys to teach me how to be girly. Could you? For my birthday?”
I feel my way to my dresser and pull open the top drawer. Fumbling through piles of cotton and satin and lace, I finally find what I’m looking for. “Found one! It’s a taper candle, so we’ll have to hold it until we can find a candleholder, but this should get us started.”
As I leave the bedroom, lightning flashes and floods the apartment for two beats. Then we’re left in darkness again.
I fumble with the candle as I scoot my way back toward the kitchen. It’s kind of an odd shape. I wonder if it melted in the heat and re-formed or something. I hope no wax melted on my undies. “Nix, can you light your lighter again? I can’t find the wick.”
With a metallic click, the lighter blazes, and I lift the candle. “Do you see the wick anywhere?”
The room fills with Lizzy’s peals of laughter. “What drawer was that in?”
My cheeks heat. “My underwear drawer.”
“Lemme guess. It was tucked under your lingerie, maybe some sexy undies?” Even in the faint flickering of Nix’s lighter, I can see glee written all over Liz’s face.
“Oh. My. God.” As the realization hits me, my hand opens and I release the oh-my-God-that’s-no-candle. It falls to the floor with a thump.
Liz sinks to her haunches and picks it up off the floor with two fingers, the way one might hold a pair of someone else’s dirty underwear.
“It looks like a taper candle in the dark,” I say. “I don’t even know where that came from.”
Maggie snorts. “Amnesia is such a handy excuse now, isn’t it?”
Kill me now.
“Is it…is it what I think it is?” Nix asks.
“I guess that depends what you think it is,” Liz says. Twisting it at its center, she confirms my worst suspicions and sends it into a vibrating tizzy.
I back away. Horrified.
Lizzy giggles harder. “It doesn’t bite.”
“I didn’t even know I had a… Why do I have that?”
My mind wraps around the words from the texts on Nate’s phone. Nate asking if I’d taken my gift home. What had I replied? “It’s a sorry substitute for you”?
Not just a vibrator. Worse. A vibrator that was a gift from Nate.
The girls are all giggling now.
“I know you two are close,” Cally says, “but I absolutely cannot believe you’re touching that.”
“I don’t get it,” Nix says. “She gets buff, sexy-ass Max Hallowell and an affair with the sexy rocker. What’s the need for the vibrating friend, Hanna?”
If the floor wanted to open up and swallow me right now, I’d be okay with that.
Another flash lights the room. I must look as horrified as I feel, because Lizzy’s giggles go quiet. “Hanna, we’re just giving you a hard time. Are you okay?”
“I’ll go find your candles,” Maggie says, taking the lighter from Nix.
I watch her silhouette move through the darkness and into my bedroom. I shouldn’t let her rifle through my clothes—God knows what else she might find that I don’t know about—but another flash of lightning fills the space and a memory comes with it. Not the memory of sending those texts to Nate. A different memory. Clear and vivid and visceral.
Maggie is carrying a lit candle in each hand when she returns.
“We’ll stop teasing you about the vibrator,” Nix promises me. “We all have one.”
“Those bitches probably don’t,” Liz says, pointing to Cally and Maggie. She tosses the vibrator onto the island. Right there between the truffles and cheese. “They have men to do that work for them.”
Maggie snorts. “Where have you been, Liz? Men and vibrators go very well together.”
“She’s not lying,” Cally says.
“I hate you all,” Liz growls.
“Can we change the subject?” The question comes out of me with an awkward squeak.
“Sure,” Nix says. “Let’s talk about what we’re going to do for Cally’s bachelorette party.”
The girls start chattering about their plans and ideas, but I can’t seem to focus on the conversation. My mind is playing and replaying the memory of Nate Crane’s wicked eyes watching me as he rubs the vibrator over my inner thighs.
“What do you think, Hanna?” Lizzy asks.
“Um, what?” Stop thinking about the vibrator. Stop thinking about Nate holding the vibrator.
Maggie laughs. “We’re trying to decide whether or not we should crash Will’s bachelor party. He’s not going to be able to talk Sam out of the strip club, so we’re thinking we should show up.”
“Oh, that could be fun.” Stop thinking about Nate Crane.
But it’s useless. I finally have a memory of Nate Crane, and instead of helping me let him go, I’m so wrapped up in it I feel lost and confused all over again.
June—Two Months Before Accident
The ribbon-wrapped box sits on the crisp white linens of the hotel bed, and I creep toward it, unable to resist the lure of an unexpected gift.
Strong arms encase me from behind, and I feel Nate’s breath hot in my ear. “I got you something.” His mouth drops to my neck, where he nibbles his way down to my shoulder and sends little shivers whipping through me.
I close my eyes against the pleasure and moan. “I saw that. You shouldn’t have.”
“Hmm,” he groans, his hands already sliding inside my shirt. “You shouldn’t say that until you know what it is. It might be more for me than it is for you.” His fingers skim over my belly then slide into the band of my jeans and sweep lower, sending my knees weak. “You want to open it?”
“You’re kind of making me want something else right now.”
He chuckles and nips my neck one last time before pulling away and grabbing the box off the bed.
“You should stop buying me things,” I protest lamely.
“Don’t steal my joy, woman.” He nudges the gift toward me, and I take it in my hands and pull off the lid.
I’d like to pretend I’m one of those worldly girls who doesn’t shock or embarrass easily, but I’m not. The gift inside this box both shocks and embarrasses me, but I make myself pick it up and hold it in my hand as I say, “Thank you?” Unfortunately, any attempt at sincerity is lost when the words come out like a question.
He chuckles. “You don’t sound like you mean it.”
“Um, no, I do mean it. Thanks.” I put the box down on the bed and study the object. “I just… I’m not sure why…”
“It’s a vibrator, Hanna. Not a medieval torture device.” He steps closer and closes my hand over the toy, twisting its shaft under my fingers.
“Oh!” I squeak when it starts buzzing in my hands, but he holds tight, keeping my fingers wrapped around it. A giggle slips from my lips. “Um…should I be worried that you said this is more for you than me? I mean, I’m game to try new things, but I’ve never been with a guy who wanted—”
He grunts. “Not like that.”
“No. I want to give you what you want. Um…” I motion toward the bed and bite my lip as laughter bubbles up in my chest. “Bend over?”
He grins and steps closer. “I have other plans, but thanks for the offer. Means a lot.”
“I’m very open-minded,” I say sagely.
“Your face when you opened it doesn’t support that claim. Have you ever used one of these before?”
My lips part as his hands lead mine over the vibrating shaft in long, lewd movements that kind of turn me on. “I guess I would just prefer the real thing. You know. If someone would give it to me.” I pout. “It’s the least you could do when you’re going to be leaving me for the Middle East in September.”
“I promise, ha**g s*x now wouldn’t make a month apart any easier.”
My shoulders sag. “I hate that you’re going. I’m going to be worried sick until you’re home safe.”
He groans and nips at my ear. His hot lips sweep over my neck and then his hands slip under my shirt, making circles around my navel. “You’re cute when you’re worried about me. Now get na**d and lay your sweet ass on that bed so I can show you just what I want you to do with this.”
“Oh.” I grin and unbutton my jeans, watching him as I push them off my hips. I leave my panties and T-shirt on and climb onto the bed. “In that case…”
“You’re not na**d.”
I lift a brow. “Neither are you.” I love his hot eyes on me.
“Lie down.”
I obey, and he runs his eyes over me again and again. Nate looking at me is as good as any foreplay I’ve ever known.
He hands me the vibrator then moves to the end of the bed. “Put it between your legs.”
“I’d rather you do it for me,” I protest. Turning the device in my hands, I look up at him through my lashes. I know how badly he wants to touch me, how much self-restraint he’s using to stay at the foot of the bed when he could be on the bed with me. Touching me.
“You’re going to have to figure out how to use it yourself.” He folds his arms and stares down at me like a warden supervising his charge.
I grin. “You think I don’t know how to get myself off? Aren’t you cute?”
“No, it’s not,” Cally and Maggie say in unison. Then they giggle, and Maggie nudges me. “Come on. Don’t make me feel like the dirty ho here. I know you guys agree with me. That chocolate is good, but it’s not better than sex.”
“I wouldn’t remember,” Lizzy says. She takes the martini shaker back from Nix and takes a gulp.
“Sisters in unwanted abstinence,” Nix says.
Lizzy gives her a high five. “An exclusive club that no one wants to join.”
“Tell me about it,” I mutter.
The girls stare at me, and Liz bites back a laugh. “Hanna just found out she and Max don’t have sex. She’s not taking it very well.”
Maggie’s eyes go wide. “But you’re, like, twenty-three. And you and Max have been together for months. How does that even happen?”
“She’s saving herself for marriage,” Lizzy says. “Who knew any of the Thompson girls would make it to marriage with her virginity? Mom would be so proud.”
“So you weren’t ha**g s*x with Nate Crane?” Cally asks.
“Apparently not,” I say.
“How do you know?” Nix asks quietly.
“I saw him over the weekend and asked. He said we didn’t.” I frown. “You’re my doctor. What do you know about this that I’m not remembering?”
Nix breaks a cracker in half and avoids my eyes. “We can have this conversation in private later.”
“I want to have it now. These ladies already know my worst secret. Tell me what you know.”
She holds up her hands in defense. “Nothing, really. I was not privy to the details of your sex life. And you certainly never told me you were involved with Nate Crane, sexually or otherwise.”
“But…” I prod.
“But you came in at the beginning of August and talked to me about birth-control options. You’d had some problems with headaches when you were on hormonal contraceptives in high school, so you wanted to know about some other options and decided that condoms and a diaphragm was the right combination for you.”
“So I got a diaphragm?”
“We fitted you for one.”
“Did I tell you anything else?”
She breaks another cracker and sweeps a small pile of crumbs in front of her. “You were still a virgin when we talked, according to you. But you didn’t think…”
“You’re killing me with the suspense,” Liz says. “She didn’t think what?”
Nix shrugs. “She didn’t think she’d make it more than a couple more weeks.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” Cally says. “She could have been planning to sleep with Max.”
Thunder claps, and half a second later, the apartment goes black, blessedly ending the awkward conversation.
“Candles,” I announce. “I’ll find candles. And…matches or something.”
I hear a click, and the next thing I know, a single flame is illuminating my friends’ faces from the lighter in Nix’s hand. “I’ve got us halfway there.”
“You carry a lighter?”
“And a pocketknife,” she says proudly. “I had four Eagle Scouts for big brothers. Always be prepared and all that jazz.”
“Do you need help looking for the candles?” Liz asks.
“No. I know where to look.”
I head toward the bedroom, my mind still churning on the implications of what Nix just told me. If I was getting birth control only a couple of weeks before the accident, that could mean I’d decided to accept Max’s proposal. Or it could mean I’d decided to earn my scarlet letter after all.
“They’re not in the kitchen?” Maggie calls, and I can already hear her opening drawers and rummaging through them.
“Maybe, but I know I store scented candles in my drawers. They work better than sachets for keeping clothes smelling fresh.”
“She’s so girly,” Nix says. “I need you guys to teach me how to be girly. Could you? For my birthday?”
I feel my way to my dresser and pull open the top drawer. Fumbling through piles of cotton and satin and lace, I finally find what I’m looking for. “Found one! It’s a taper candle, so we’ll have to hold it until we can find a candleholder, but this should get us started.”
As I leave the bedroom, lightning flashes and floods the apartment for two beats. Then we’re left in darkness again.
I fumble with the candle as I scoot my way back toward the kitchen. It’s kind of an odd shape. I wonder if it melted in the heat and re-formed or something. I hope no wax melted on my undies. “Nix, can you light your lighter again? I can’t find the wick.”
With a metallic click, the lighter blazes, and I lift the candle. “Do you see the wick anywhere?”
The room fills with Lizzy’s peals of laughter. “What drawer was that in?”
My cheeks heat. “My underwear drawer.”
“Lemme guess. It was tucked under your lingerie, maybe some sexy undies?” Even in the faint flickering of Nix’s lighter, I can see glee written all over Liz’s face.
“Oh. My. God.” As the realization hits me, my hand opens and I release the oh-my-God-that’s-no-candle. It falls to the floor with a thump.
Liz sinks to her haunches and picks it up off the floor with two fingers, the way one might hold a pair of someone else’s dirty underwear.
“It looks like a taper candle in the dark,” I say. “I don’t even know where that came from.”
Maggie snorts. “Amnesia is such a handy excuse now, isn’t it?”
Kill me now.
“Is it…is it what I think it is?” Nix asks.
“I guess that depends what you think it is,” Liz says. Twisting it at its center, she confirms my worst suspicions and sends it into a vibrating tizzy.
I back away. Horrified.
Lizzy giggles harder. “It doesn’t bite.”
“I didn’t even know I had a… Why do I have that?”
My mind wraps around the words from the texts on Nate’s phone. Nate asking if I’d taken my gift home. What had I replied? “It’s a sorry substitute for you”?
Not just a vibrator. Worse. A vibrator that was a gift from Nate.
The girls are all giggling now.
“I know you two are close,” Cally says, “but I absolutely cannot believe you’re touching that.”
“I don’t get it,” Nix says. “She gets buff, sexy-ass Max Hallowell and an affair with the sexy rocker. What’s the need for the vibrating friend, Hanna?”
If the floor wanted to open up and swallow me right now, I’d be okay with that.
Another flash lights the room. I must look as horrified as I feel, because Lizzy’s giggles go quiet. “Hanna, we’re just giving you a hard time. Are you okay?”
“I’ll go find your candles,” Maggie says, taking the lighter from Nix.
I watch her silhouette move through the darkness and into my bedroom. I shouldn’t let her rifle through my clothes—God knows what else she might find that I don’t know about—but another flash of lightning fills the space and a memory comes with it. Not the memory of sending those texts to Nate. A different memory. Clear and vivid and visceral.
Maggie is carrying a lit candle in each hand when she returns.
“We’ll stop teasing you about the vibrator,” Nix promises me. “We all have one.”
“Those bitches probably don’t,” Liz says, pointing to Cally and Maggie. She tosses the vibrator onto the island. Right there between the truffles and cheese. “They have men to do that work for them.”
Maggie snorts. “Where have you been, Liz? Men and vibrators go very well together.”
“She’s not lying,” Cally says.
“I hate you all,” Liz growls.
“Can we change the subject?” The question comes out of me with an awkward squeak.
“Sure,” Nix says. “Let’s talk about what we’re going to do for Cally’s bachelorette party.”
The girls start chattering about their plans and ideas, but I can’t seem to focus on the conversation. My mind is playing and replaying the memory of Nate Crane’s wicked eyes watching me as he rubs the vibrator over my inner thighs.
“What do you think, Hanna?” Lizzy asks.
“Um, what?” Stop thinking about the vibrator. Stop thinking about Nate holding the vibrator.
Maggie laughs. “We’re trying to decide whether or not we should crash Will’s bachelor party. He’s not going to be able to talk Sam out of the strip club, so we’re thinking we should show up.”
“Oh, that could be fun.” Stop thinking about Nate Crane.
But it’s useless. I finally have a memory of Nate Crane, and instead of helping me let him go, I’m so wrapped up in it I feel lost and confused all over again.
June—Two Months Before Accident
The ribbon-wrapped box sits on the crisp white linens of the hotel bed, and I creep toward it, unable to resist the lure of an unexpected gift.
Strong arms encase me from behind, and I feel Nate’s breath hot in my ear. “I got you something.” His mouth drops to my neck, where he nibbles his way down to my shoulder and sends little shivers whipping through me.
I close my eyes against the pleasure and moan. “I saw that. You shouldn’t have.”
“Hmm,” he groans, his hands already sliding inside my shirt. “You shouldn’t say that until you know what it is. It might be more for me than it is for you.” His fingers skim over my belly then slide into the band of my jeans and sweep lower, sending my knees weak. “You want to open it?”
“You’re kind of making me want something else right now.”
He chuckles and nips my neck one last time before pulling away and grabbing the box off the bed.
“You should stop buying me things,” I protest lamely.
“Don’t steal my joy, woman.” He nudges the gift toward me, and I take it in my hands and pull off the lid.
I’d like to pretend I’m one of those worldly girls who doesn’t shock or embarrass easily, but I’m not. The gift inside this box both shocks and embarrasses me, but I make myself pick it up and hold it in my hand as I say, “Thank you?” Unfortunately, any attempt at sincerity is lost when the words come out like a question.
He chuckles. “You don’t sound like you mean it.”
“Um, no, I do mean it. Thanks.” I put the box down on the bed and study the object. “I just… I’m not sure why…”
“It’s a vibrator, Hanna. Not a medieval torture device.” He steps closer and closes my hand over the toy, twisting its shaft under my fingers.
“Oh!” I squeak when it starts buzzing in my hands, but he holds tight, keeping my fingers wrapped around it. A giggle slips from my lips. “Um…should I be worried that you said this is more for you than me? I mean, I’m game to try new things, but I’ve never been with a guy who wanted—”
He grunts. “Not like that.”
“No. I want to give you what you want. Um…” I motion toward the bed and bite my lip as laughter bubbles up in my chest. “Bend over?”
He grins and steps closer. “I have other plans, but thanks for the offer. Means a lot.”
“I’m very open-minded,” I say sagely.
“Your face when you opened it doesn’t support that claim. Have you ever used one of these before?”
My lips part as his hands lead mine over the vibrating shaft in long, lewd movements that kind of turn me on. “I guess I would just prefer the real thing. You know. If someone would give it to me.” I pout. “It’s the least you could do when you’re going to be leaving me for the Middle East in September.”
“I promise, ha**g s*x now wouldn’t make a month apart any easier.”
My shoulders sag. “I hate that you’re going. I’m going to be worried sick until you’re home safe.”
He groans and nips at my ear. His hot lips sweep over my neck and then his hands slip under my shirt, making circles around my navel. “You’re cute when you’re worried about me. Now get na**d and lay your sweet ass on that bed so I can show you just what I want you to do with this.”
“Oh.” I grin and unbutton my jeans, watching him as I push them off my hips. I leave my panties and T-shirt on and climb onto the bed. “In that case…”
“You’re not na**d.”
I lift a brow. “Neither are you.” I love his hot eyes on me.
“Lie down.”
I obey, and he runs his eyes over me again and again. Nate looking at me is as good as any foreplay I’ve ever known.
He hands me the vibrator then moves to the end of the bed. “Put it between your legs.”
“I’d rather you do it for me,” I protest. Turning the device in my hands, I look up at him through my lashes. I know how badly he wants to touch me, how much self-restraint he’s using to stay at the foot of the bed when he could be on the bed with me. Touching me.
“You’re going to have to figure out how to use it yourself.” He folds his arms and stares down at me like a warden supervising his charge.
I grin. “You think I don’t know how to get myself off? Aren’t you cute?”
