Love and Lists
Page 43
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Uncle Drew screams as the Grim Reaper guy steps out from the side of the house directly into his path. Uncle Drew holds his hands to his throat and starts choking on his own spit from yelling so loud.
“Drew, for God’s sakes, keep it together, man,” Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew’s girly screams.
“I pacifically told him he shouldn’t go with us if he was going to be too scared,” Aunt Jenny mutters. “Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?” she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.
“I DON’T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!” Tyler shouts.
“Dude, why are you shouting?” Gavin asks.
“Didn’t your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn’t that why she’s a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she’ll understand me,” Tyler explains.
“No, no stroke. She’s just kind of … special,” Gavin adds nicely.
We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.
“Okay, seriously, f**ker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.
The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.
At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he’s doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he’s no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.
The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.
Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.
Grimmy never answers.
I have to say, I’ve never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the shit Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he’s right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.
And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.
Grimmy copies.
It takes about an hour to go through the entire Halloween Walk through the woods, so pretty soon, we’re all kind of attached to Grimmy. When we walk over a small wooden bridge and look down into the water to see all of the jack-o-lanterns they place on pedestals in the water, Grimmy lifts Josh up so he can see over the railing.
When we come around a bend to see a graveyard setup on the hillside, Grimmy points out one of the big tombstones to Josh right before a ghost jumps out and tries to scare him. Josh walks right up to the ghost and kicks him in the shin.
If we could see Grimmy’s face, I bet we would see him smile.
We come around the last corner of the walk and can see people milling about at the end getting hot chocolate and hot apple cider from some of the vendors.
Uncle Drew pats Grimmy on the back. “Well, Grimster, it’s been fun. I’d say it was nice to meet you, but you scared the future children I might have had out of my nut sack when we first met.”
“Future children? Your balls are too old to have any more kids,” Dad laughs.
“I’ll have you know that my sperm are in excellent condition and my balls are NOT old. I do NOT have old man balls. Honey, tell them.” Uncle Drew looks over at Aunt Jenny.
“It’s true. He doesn’t have old man balls. They are still nice and soft and not wrinkly at all.”
Grimmy puts his hand up over his masked eyes and shakes his head sadly.
We all wave at the guy as he stands in place in the middle of the path, and we make our way out of the woods. Gavin and I walk over to one of the stands, and he gets me some hot apple cider.
“I’m having a really hard time being with you tonight and not ripping every piece of clothing off of—”
“What are you kids talking about?” Aunt Claire asks as she comes up next to us.
“The weather.”
“Astrophysics,” Gavin and I reply at the same time.
Aunt Claire looks back and forth between us suspiciously.
“The direct correlation to the earth’s atmosphere blending with the time space continuum to produce noxious gas on Mars,” I ramble.
“Well, alright then. Have fun with that,” she replies, turning around and walking back over the picnic table where everyone is seated.
“That was close. Nice save,” Gavin says quietly with a laugh as we follow behind her.
“We need to be more careful or everyone’s going to find out,” I warn him as we walk.
“Who cares? You broke up with Rocco, right? So it doesn’t matter.”
ABORT! ABORT CONVERSATION!
“I think I need to change my tampon.”
“Oh look, a squirrel!” Gavin says, rushing away from me and taking a seat next to Uncle Carter at the picnic table.
With a sigh, I take a seat across from him, next to Tyler and Josh. A man with a Metro Parks uniform walks up to our table and asks if we had a good time and enjoyed the walk.
“Drew, for God’s sakes, keep it together, man,” Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew’s girly screams.
“I pacifically told him he shouldn’t go with us if he was going to be too scared,” Aunt Jenny mutters. “Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?” she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.
“I DON’T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!” Tyler shouts.
“Dude, why are you shouting?” Gavin asks.
“Didn’t your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn’t that why she’s a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she’ll understand me,” Tyler explains.
“No, no stroke. She’s just kind of … special,” Gavin adds nicely.
We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.
“Okay, seriously, f**ker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.
The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.
At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he’s doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he’s no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.
The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.
Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.
Grimmy never answers.
I have to say, I’ve never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the shit Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he’s right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.
And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.
Grimmy copies.
It takes about an hour to go through the entire Halloween Walk through the woods, so pretty soon, we’re all kind of attached to Grimmy. When we walk over a small wooden bridge and look down into the water to see all of the jack-o-lanterns they place on pedestals in the water, Grimmy lifts Josh up so he can see over the railing.
When we come around a bend to see a graveyard setup on the hillside, Grimmy points out one of the big tombstones to Josh right before a ghost jumps out and tries to scare him. Josh walks right up to the ghost and kicks him in the shin.
If we could see Grimmy’s face, I bet we would see him smile.
We come around the last corner of the walk and can see people milling about at the end getting hot chocolate and hot apple cider from some of the vendors.
Uncle Drew pats Grimmy on the back. “Well, Grimster, it’s been fun. I’d say it was nice to meet you, but you scared the future children I might have had out of my nut sack when we first met.”
“Future children? Your balls are too old to have any more kids,” Dad laughs.
“I’ll have you know that my sperm are in excellent condition and my balls are NOT old. I do NOT have old man balls. Honey, tell them.” Uncle Drew looks over at Aunt Jenny.
“It’s true. He doesn’t have old man balls. They are still nice and soft and not wrinkly at all.”
Grimmy puts his hand up over his masked eyes and shakes his head sadly.
We all wave at the guy as he stands in place in the middle of the path, and we make our way out of the woods. Gavin and I walk over to one of the stands, and he gets me some hot apple cider.
“I’m having a really hard time being with you tonight and not ripping every piece of clothing off of—”
“What are you kids talking about?” Aunt Claire asks as she comes up next to us.
“The weather.”
“Astrophysics,” Gavin and I reply at the same time.
Aunt Claire looks back and forth between us suspiciously.
“The direct correlation to the earth’s atmosphere blending with the time space continuum to produce noxious gas on Mars,” I ramble.
“Well, alright then. Have fun with that,” she replies, turning around and walking back over the picnic table where everyone is seated.
“That was close. Nice save,” Gavin says quietly with a laugh as we follow behind her.
“We need to be more careful or everyone’s going to find out,” I warn him as we walk.
“Who cares? You broke up with Rocco, right? So it doesn’t matter.”
ABORT! ABORT CONVERSATION!
“I think I need to change my tampon.”
“Oh look, a squirrel!” Gavin says, rushing away from me and taking a seat next to Uncle Carter at the picnic table.
With a sigh, I take a seat across from him, next to Tyler and Josh. A man with a Metro Parks uniform walks up to our table and asks if we had a good time and enjoyed the walk.
