Love, Life, and the List
Page 36
“No. She’s trying to talk my mom into a pet bird now.”
“She’s moving up the food chain. Nice.”
“Do you need her painting back so you can show Mr. Wallace?”
“Not yet.”
“You still have one more to paint?”
“No, well, sort of. If I count her fish, then I finished the fifth one last night, but there’s something not quite right about it.”
He hummed. “You’re stalling.”
“I’m not. I have time.”
We were silent for a couple of beats while Cooper finished his granola bar. Waves crashed against rocks in the distance, sending water filtering through the tide pools and closer to us. In a couple of hours the spot where we were sitting would be underwater with high tide.
“What happened with Elliot, Abby? We never talked about it.”
“What do you mean, what happened? We hung out at a party. Were you expecting a wedding invitation?”
“You didn’t like him?”
“Who said that?” My voice rose an octave, and even I could hear the defensiveness in my tone.
“I can tell. I thought you said your relationship goals were that you wanted to date an artist.”
“How did you know he was an artist?”
“He told me.”
“When?”
“I don’t know.”
I shut my notebook and sat forward, but Cooper didn’t move from his reclined position. “I thought the first time you met him was at the restaurant.”
“It was,” he said.
“And the second time was at the party.” I could feel frustration rising in my chest.
“Yeah, but maybe I asked around.”
“Why?”
“I like to know who my friend is about to go out with.”
I hit him with my towel. “Don’t ask around, Cooper. Not for things like this.”
“So why don’t you like him?”
He’s not you, I wanted to say. “I don’t know. He’s nice. We’ll still be friends.” At least I hoped we would be.
“You don’t need another guy friend.”
I crossed my arms. I wasn’t used to Cooper being so serious. We sniped at each other occasionally, but where was this coming from? “Excuse me. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s not supposed to mean anything but what I said.”
“Maybe I don’t need the guy friend I already have.”
He scooped up a pile of sand from beside him and threw it in my direction halfheartedly.
“That was a toddler’s response,” I said, the tension dissolving a little.
He smiled. “It’s just that you frustrate me sometimes.”
“Ditto.”
He pulled a piece of the towel over his eyes. “Fine. I’ll drop it.”
“I’m fine. I’m happy. I don’t need a boyfriend. Maybe you always need a girl to make you feel special or whatever, but I don’t. Okay?”
“Okay. I said I’d drop it.”
“Good.”
“Good.” He took the towel off his face and sat up. “I don’t always need a girl.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t.”
“I said okay . . . it’s just, you seem to always have one.”
“I don’t.”
“Maybe that’s your fear.”
“What?”
“You fear being alone. Stuck in a room with no door or windows and no way out. All by yourself.”
“Why are you so hung up on my fears? Maybe you should analyze your own dream, Abby. Your own fears. Dig around in your brain for a while. Find out why you keep painting the same thing over and over. Find out what’s holding you back.”
I swallowed a surprised breath. Nothing was holding me back. “I’m pretty sure I’m transparent.”
He scowled at me, then stood. “I should probably get home.”
I stood as well. “Yep. Me too.”
TWENTY-FOUR
I paced my room when I got home, back and forth, forming a thick line in the carpet. Cooper had no idea what he was talking about. I was trying to paint better. I was trying to grow. I was trying to change. Wasn’t I?
The image of that brick wall and that same painting I kept painting for the principal flashed through my mind. I knew it was just a dream, but why had I painted the same thing over and over? Why did I never change it up?
I was scared of change.
The thought came to me like a revelation, and I knew it was true. I claimed I wanted to try to grow and change, but really everything I did lent itself to things staying exactly the same. When confronted with change, I dug my heels in. When Grandpa mentioned a therapist for Mom, I stopped it. When Lacey tried to be my friend, I kept her at arm’s length. When Cooper showed the least bit of resistance to my feelings, I shut them off. I wanted to stay in my perfect bubble, where I knew that even if everything wasn’t perfect, at least it was manageable.
This realization made me angry with myself. I marched to my art room. I tugged off the coverings on all my recent paintings: the sunrise, Cooper on the dunes, the stage, the tree. It was time to stop resisting change. To stop digging my heels in. Whether my paintings were ready or not, I needed to try.
I’d faced fear before. It was time to do it again, regardless of the outcome.
I stood at Cooper’s front door and knocked. His sister answered.
“Hi, Amelia,” I said.
“Hey. He’s not here.”
I hadn’t talked to Cooper since our fight on the beach two days ago. We’d get past it, I was sure. But right now wasn’t about Cooper and me. “That’s okay. I actually came over to see if I could borrow my painting back.”
“You’re going to show it to the art guy after all?” she asked with a big smile.
“Yes, actually.”
She clapped and bounced on the balls of her feet. “He’s going to love it.” She took me by the arm and pulled me through her house. Her parents were in the kitchen and I waved as I hurried past them.
The painting was on her wall, and she jumped onto her bed and helped me take it down.
“If it doesn’t sell, I want it back when the show is over.”
“Of course. I will bring it back that night or I’ll paint you a new one.”
She squeezed my hand. “Good luck, Abby.”
“I’m gonna need it.”
I hoped Mr. Wallace was otherwise occupied as I carried two of the five paintings into the building. My nerves were buzzing. Last time, I’d marched in here with my portfolio so sure that if he’d just look, he’d love them. Now, I didn’t know. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about them.
I wanted him to see all the paintings at once, so I snuck across the high-glossed tile of the museum. It felt like I was in some spy movie. I passed paintings hung on display and tried not to look at them. I was already intimidated. I didn’t need to compare myself to the professionals at the moment. A couple of patrons looked at me curiously as I passed, but I had yet to see Mr. Wallace.
The painting in my left hand was longer than the one in my right and it gave me an awkward gait. I reached his door and tried the handle. It was unlocked. And when I swung the door open, it was dark. I sighed in relief and flipped on the light. It was still as messy as ever, and like I’d hoped, the stack of broken easels still lined the wall on the right.
“She’s moving up the food chain. Nice.”
“Do you need her painting back so you can show Mr. Wallace?”
“Not yet.”
“You still have one more to paint?”
“No, well, sort of. If I count her fish, then I finished the fifth one last night, but there’s something not quite right about it.”
He hummed. “You’re stalling.”
“I’m not. I have time.”
We were silent for a couple of beats while Cooper finished his granola bar. Waves crashed against rocks in the distance, sending water filtering through the tide pools and closer to us. In a couple of hours the spot where we were sitting would be underwater with high tide.
“What happened with Elliot, Abby? We never talked about it.”
“What do you mean, what happened? We hung out at a party. Were you expecting a wedding invitation?”
“You didn’t like him?”
“Who said that?” My voice rose an octave, and even I could hear the defensiveness in my tone.
“I can tell. I thought you said your relationship goals were that you wanted to date an artist.”
“How did you know he was an artist?”
“He told me.”
“When?”
“I don’t know.”
I shut my notebook and sat forward, but Cooper didn’t move from his reclined position. “I thought the first time you met him was at the restaurant.”
“It was,” he said.
“And the second time was at the party.” I could feel frustration rising in my chest.
“Yeah, but maybe I asked around.”
“Why?”
“I like to know who my friend is about to go out with.”
I hit him with my towel. “Don’t ask around, Cooper. Not for things like this.”
“So why don’t you like him?”
He’s not you, I wanted to say. “I don’t know. He’s nice. We’ll still be friends.” At least I hoped we would be.
“You don’t need another guy friend.”
I crossed my arms. I wasn’t used to Cooper being so serious. We sniped at each other occasionally, but where was this coming from? “Excuse me. What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s not supposed to mean anything but what I said.”
“Maybe I don’t need the guy friend I already have.”
He scooped up a pile of sand from beside him and threw it in my direction halfheartedly.
“That was a toddler’s response,” I said, the tension dissolving a little.
He smiled. “It’s just that you frustrate me sometimes.”
“Ditto.”
He pulled a piece of the towel over his eyes. “Fine. I’ll drop it.”
“I’m fine. I’m happy. I don’t need a boyfriend. Maybe you always need a girl to make you feel special or whatever, but I don’t. Okay?”
“Okay. I said I’d drop it.”
“Good.”
“Good.” He took the towel off his face and sat up. “I don’t always need a girl.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t.”
“I said okay . . . it’s just, you seem to always have one.”
“I don’t.”
“Maybe that’s your fear.”
“What?”
“You fear being alone. Stuck in a room with no door or windows and no way out. All by yourself.”
“Why are you so hung up on my fears? Maybe you should analyze your own dream, Abby. Your own fears. Dig around in your brain for a while. Find out why you keep painting the same thing over and over. Find out what’s holding you back.”
I swallowed a surprised breath. Nothing was holding me back. “I’m pretty sure I’m transparent.”
He scowled at me, then stood. “I should probably get home.”
I stood as well. “Yep. Me too.”
TWENTY-FOUR
I paced my room when I got home, back and forth, forming a thick line in the carpet. Cooper had no idea what he was talking about. I was trying to paint better. I was trying to grow. I was trying to change. Wasn’t I?
The image of that brick wall and that same painting I kept painting for the principal flashed through my mind. I knew it was just a dream, but why had I painted the same thing over and over? Why did I never change it up?
I was scared of change.
The thought came to me like a revelation, and I knew it was true. I claimed I wanted to try to grow and change, but really everything I did lent itself to things staying exactly the same. When confronted with change, I dug my heels in. When Grandpa mentioned a therapist for Mom, I stopped it. When Lacey tried to be my friend, I kept her at arm’s length. When Cooper showed the least bit of resistance to my feelings, I shut them off. I wanted to stay in my perfect bubble, where I knew that even if everything wasn’t perfect, at least it was manageable.
This realization made me angry with myself. I marched to my art room. I tugged off the coverings on all my recent paintings: the sunrise, Cooper on the dunes, the stage, the tree. It was time to stop resisting change. To stop digging my heels in. Whether my paintings were ready or not, I needed to try.
I’d faced fear before. It was time to do it again, regardless of the outcome.
I stood at Cooper’s front door and knocked. His sister answered.
“Hi, Amelia,” I said.
“Hey. He’s not here.”
I hadn’t talked to Cooper since our fight on the beach two days ago. We’d get past it, I was sure. But right now wasn’t about Cooper and me. “That’s okay. I actually came over to see if I could borrow my painting back.”
“You’re going to show it to the art guy after all?” she asked with a big smile.
“Yes, actually.”
She clapped and bounced on the balls of her feet. “He’s going to love it.” She took me by the arm and pulled me through her house. Her parents were in the kitchen and I waved as I hurried past them.
The painting was on her wall, and she jumped onto her bed and helped me take it down.
“If it doesn’t sell, I want it back when the show is over.”
“Of course. I will bring it back that night or I’ll paint you a new one.”
She squeezed my hand. “Good luck, Abby.”
“I’m gonna need it.”
I hoped Mr. Wallace was otherwise occupied as I carried two of the five paintings into the building. My nerves were buzzing. Last time, I’d marched in here with my portfolio so sure that if he’d just look, he’d love them. Now, I didn’t know. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about them.
I wanted him to see all the paintings at once, so I snuck across the high-glossed tile of the museum. It felt like I was in some spy movie. I passed paintings hung on display and tried not to look at them. I was already intimidated. I didn’t need to compare myself to the professionals at the moment. A couple of patrons looked at me curiously as I passed, but I had yet to see Mr. Wallace.
The painting in my left hand was longer than the one in my right and it gave me an awkward gait. I reached his door and tried the handle. It was unlocked. And when I swung the door open, it was dark. I sighed in relief and flipped on the light. It was still as messy as ever, and like I’d hoped, the stack of broken easels still lined the wall on the right.
