Loving Lawson
Page 11
Ryker’s suspicious behaviour at the prison was beginning to make sense now.
I looked back at the door and took a few deep breaths. I needed to put this shit aside for now. I didn’t want to think about the man, or pay attention to the uneasy feeling in my chest that what Ryker did was going to seriously change things. I needed to focus on now. I escaped back into the bar. I’d left Allie in here on her own for too long. I was glad to see she was still that way seated in the same chair. Maybe the guys had caught the message loud and clear. I took a seat next to her and her troubled gaze met mine.
“You’ve been gone for a while. What’s going on?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“Then why did you hit Matt?”
“When Matt gets drunk, his mouth runs.”
She frowned at my response. “Did he say something about me? Look, Heath, I don’t want to break a friendship apart just because he might have said something –”
“That’s not the first time I’ve hit him,” I interrupted, doing my best to shoot her a genuine smile. “It’s not the last, either. That’s what we do. One of us gets out of line and we sort each other out. How many times did Ryker come home with a busted lip?”
She chuckled wryly and took a gulp out of her water. “Wow, men are a different breed, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
She smiled that glorious smile and finished her food, and I glared at anyone that got within a foot of her.
*
“Did you have fun?” I asked her on our way back to the truck.
She nodded, leaning her body against me. “Yeah, tired though.”
I brought my arm around her and kept her upright, but also as close to me as possible. She smelled nice, she felt nice, she was everything nice.
On our way back home, she glanced out the passenger window, her face serene and content, seemingly lost in thought as the world went by. I had my hand on the stick shift when something cool touched it. I looked down at her small hand covering mine.
“Thank you for taking me out,” she whispered.
I swallowed hard. “Anytime.”
Aside from the mishap with Matt and having to roughly push a shitload of men away from her every time they pressed against her, it was a good night. She talked, she sang, she laughed. It wasn’t the introverted Allie I was used to seeing. There was a whole other layer there waiting to be unravelled, and fuck, I wanted to unravel this girl in more ways than one.
I decided not to tell her about the shady guy. I would eventually, but not right now. Not when she was knocking down her walls around me. Ryker was a fucking dark cloud. He’d piss on our sunshine if I got her worrying about him or what he’d done. She needed to focus on her baby.
I kept telling myself this.
Kept trying to believe it too.
Halfway there, she fell asleep, her small body curled up on the seat. I parked the car and stared at her for a bit. It was mostly dark save for a nearby streetlight.
“Allie,” I whispered, “we’re here.”
She didn’t budge. All that moving around had caught up to her. I tried nudging her awake, but to no result. With a sigh, I got out and had to carry her to the elevator. While we rode it up, her arm snaked up and around my neck and she let out a contented breath. She felt like a warm ball I didn’t want to let go of, so I tightened my embrace on my way to the apartment.
I carried her to her room and gently laid her down on the soft bed. I slipped her sandals off and threw the covers over her. Then I pulled her hair tie out and placed it on the dresser. I stood straight and glanced at the doorway, knowing I should probably get out and leave her to sleep. But my eyes went back to her. Before I knew it, I was sitting down on the bed and stroking her hair. And when that wasn’t enough to ease the ache inside of me, I leaned my face to hers and ran my nose along her jaw, taking in her scent and the soft feel of her skin.
Fuck, what was I doing? And why the hell was I having these weird as hell urges to touch her?
As I pulled back, my breath felt like it’d been knocked right out of me when I found her eyes were opened and she was looking straight at me. Merely inches away, I stared back, knowing full well I’d been caught touching her inappropriately. I expected her to say something, but she just watched me with those tired eyes. They roamed around my face, settling on my mouth.
She looked like she wanted to kiss me.
Strange feelings flooded through me. My skin heated and my pulse quickened. Christ, I didn’t know how to act around this girl.
“Hey,” I whispered, because what the fuck else could I say right now? When she didn’t respond straightaway, I added, “I tried to wake you up. You passed out so I carried you here.” And rubbed my face against yours, but let’s not talk about that.
“Thanks,” she whispered back.
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I was having a bad dream.”
“About what?”
She shook her head weakly. “Being alone.”
“That’s not going to happen. You know that, right?”
Her eyes glistened as she looked about the room to keep from making eye contact. “Anyone that’s ever promised me that has pushed me away somehow. My dad, mom… Ryker. I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but… I don’t have much confidence in anyone anymore.”
Her words were killing me, and I stopped thinking about right or wrong. I pushed her further into the bed and slipped in beside her. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side. In my mind I rationalized that showing her I meant my words by being close to her would help to calm her fears. But in my heart I knew it was wrong. If she had any reluctance getting so close, she didn’t show it. She was completely relaxed wrapping an arm around my middle as I said, “I’m a man of my word. You’re not getting rid of me.”
“I don’t want to,” she replied.
My heart – that little fist sized organ – exploded inside of me. I tightened my grip and stared up at the dark ceiling. Forever it took before my pulse slowly came down, yet every movement she made seemed to spike it again. My body wanted her. My heart ached for it too. But my brain… fuck, it was killing me with its logical bullshit. I listened to her breaths even out. I even looked down and watched her fall asleep in my arms like it was the most natural thing to ever happen.
This was happiness, I realized.
You’re the only one I trust.
Ryker’s words slayed me, and I started to think… maybe I wasn’t the best person to trust after all.
Nine
Allie
We sat in the waiting room, waiting for my first ultrasound. I grabbed a magazine and lazily flipped through the pages as pregnant women filled the room. There were a few men accompanying them, looking just as anxious and excited. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me. Would they think Heath was mine? I smiled at the absurdity of that.
We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, him and me. I started classes at college. I kept to myself, and I was surprised how easy that was. He drove me there every morning and I took a bus home after. I’d have something cooking by the time he got back from work. Afterwards, I studied in the living room and he usually sat next to me and watched television. There was surprisingly a lot of conversation to be had with Heath.
Since the night out at the bar, I’d never seen him so laid back and content. What he’d said about Trudy not mattering seemed to ring true, too. She was never brought up, and he never disappeared at nights either, making me think she was completely out of the picture.
I felt very grateful I had someone doing this with me right now. I would hate to have come here alone, facing my first ever pregnancy experience without a person I cared about to share it with, and I really started to value Heath more than anyone else. I’d had no one close before Ryker. I seemed to constantly drift through crowds, never finding a place in any of them. It didn’t upset me. My head was always about making this pregnancy work and keeping it a secret for as long as I could. It was a mission, especially when my bump was getting more and more visible every week.
I glanced at Heath. He was dressed in a plain white tee and jeans, his dark hair had grown a bit. For a short while, I’d leaned into him, taking in his scent, which was unique and musky. Anytime I was around him, I felt relaxed and in good hands. He made me feel protected, and like I could be myself.
Not having noticed my creepy close proximity, he was too busy watching the toddlers around a play area fighting over a couple of toy blocks. When one pushed the other down and stole them, he shook his head with a small smile on his face.
“What?” I asked him, amused by his attentiveness to them.
“I’ll be damned if I have a kid that doesn’t fight back,” he answered.
I laughed lightly, though the idea of him being a daddy made my chest tighten. He would be a great one.
“Well, any advice and I’ll be sure to pass it on to mine,” I told him, hiding my glum mood. There would be no daddy to teach my kid to fight back. It would be all on me, and that was a daunting thought.
He tore his eyes from the kids and looked at me, noticing how close I was to him. Brown eyes, gentle and calm, stared deeply into my own. I wished I knew what he was thinking then, because that smile slowly faded from his luscious lips. The second I felt heat in my cheeks, I turned away from his stare and back down at my magazine. While pretending to read, I was acutely aware of his every movement and it made my body tense being so near to him. How did it make any sense that I could be both comfortable and on edge around him?
“Allison Wallace.”
I nearly leaped to my feet when I heard my name. I set the magazine down on the shelf and went to the technician waiting by a hallway. Heath followed closely behind.
The young technician by the name of Ruby smiled warmly at me. “Hello, Miss Wallace, this way please.” She led us down the hallway and into the corner room and said, “Lay down and pull your shirt up over your bump.”
I lay on the bed prepared for me and lifted my shirt up. Heath took a seat beside me as Ruby set up the ultrasound machine.
“How are we doing this morning?” she asked, glancing between Heath and me. Her eyes lingered on him for a few moments, no doubt absorbed by his good looks.
“Good,” I muttered.
“And the father to be?”
My body tensed and I looked at Heath. When I spotted his back stiffen and his eyes widen, I immediately said, “No, no, he’s not the father.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” From the curve of her lips, sorry was the last thing she was.
Heath didn’t reply, but he looked stone faced now and wouldn’t meet my eye.
“Lean all the way back,” she told me as she slathered a jelly-like substance on the ultrasound probe. Once I did, she set it down over my stomach and an ice cold sensation shot through me.
“You’ve got a nice bump, little and pronounced,” she remarked as she moved the probe around. “Must be a genetic thing. Was your mother this small?”
I shrugged, not wanting to think of her. “I don’t know. She never talked about it.” She never talked about a lot of things, actually.
Black and white images sprang up on the monitor, and I stared at it for a while, not understanding what I was looking at. I concentrated hard until finally it settled and what I saw took my breath away.
“This is your wee one,” she said. “Nice and healthy by the looks of it.”
Peanut was in the shape of a baby. Big head, tiny body, and he was moving rapidly with his arms flailing.
Oh, my God.
I looked excitedly at Heath who was leaning forward, just as absorbed by the images as me.
“This is happening in my belly right now?” I asked in shock.
Ruby chuckled and gave me a nod. “Sure is.”
“I can’t feel any of it.”
“You possibly won’t for another six weeks. Twelve weeks is a little early to be feeling anything, especially with your first.”
I watched, dazed by the movements, as my baby began touching his face.
“Do you know the sex?” Heath asked.
“Not yet. Her next ultrasound at eighteen weeks may tell you that,” Ruby answered.
I’d already known that, but it was nice hearing Heath interested enough to ask. She began taking measurements and showing me different body parts, of my peanut’s hands, head and feet. It was beyond anything I could have imagined. My spirits soared, and I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. I was going to be a mother. Me, Allie Wallace. Wow.
“Baby is nice and healthy,” she said by the end. “I’ll have a DVD of the photos ready for you shortly.”
“Thank you,” I told her as she wiped off the gunk on my stomach.
I rolled my shirt down and moved off the bed. Heath stood up with me, still having not said a word to me since I’d corrected the technician, and we walked out. I didn’t let his indifferent demeanour bring down my mood. I was still reeling with excitement. I was going to have pictures of my baby!
*
The ride back to the apartment was quiet. I held my disc with both hands, already looking forward to reliving the experience when I got back and jumped on Heath’s laptop.
I looked over at him again, frowning at his off mood. God, what had I done?
“Are you alright?” I asked him when the silence got to be too much.
He nodded. “Yep.”
I sighed. He was lying. I set the disc down in my lap and turned to him fully. “Heath,” I started with a soft voice, “I want us to be open and honest with each other. Communication is extremely important. If something is bothering you, please let me know. That way we can avoid a misinterpretation, or any hurt feelings.”
I looked back at the door and took a few deep breaths. I needed to put this shit aside for now. I didn’t want to think about the man, or pay attention to the uneasy feeling in my chest that what Ryker did was going to seriously change things. I needed to focus on now. I escaped back into the bar. I’d left Allie in here on her own for too long. I was glad to see she was still that way seated in the same chair. Maybe the guys had caught the message loud and clear. I took a seat next to her and her troubled gaze met mine.
“You’ve been gone for a while. What’s going on?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“Then why did you hit Matt?”
“When Matt gets drunk, his mouth runs.”
She frowned at my response. “Did he say something about me? Look, Heath, I don’t want to break a friendship apart just because he might have said something –”
“That’s not the first time I’ve hit him,” I interrupted, doing my best to shoot her a genuine smile. “It’s not the last, either. That’s what we do. One of us gets out of line and we sort each other out. How many times did Ryker come home with a busted lip?”
She chuckled wryly and took a gulp out of her water. “Wow, men are a different breed, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
She smiled that glorious smile and finished her food, and I glared at anyone that got within a foot of her.
*
“Did you have fun?” I asked her on our way back to the truck.
She nodded, leaning her body against me. “Yeah, tired though.”
I brought my arm around her and kept her upright, but also as close to me as possible. She smelled nice, she felt nice, she was everything nice.
On our way back home, she glanced out the passenger window, her face serene and content, seemingly lost in thought as the world went by. I had my hand on the stick shift when something cool touched it. I looked down at her small hand covering mine.
“Thank you for taking me out,” she whispered.
I swallowed hard. “Anytime.”
Aside from the mishap with Matt and having to roughly push a shitload of men away from her every time they pressed against her, it was a good night. She talked, she sang, she laughed. It wasn’t the introverted Allie I was used to seeing. There was a whole other layer there waiting to be unravelled, and fuck, I wanted to unravel this girl in more ways than one.
I decided not to tell her about the shady guy. I would eventually, but not right now. Not when she was knocking down her walls around me. Ryker was a fucking dark cloud. He’d piss on our sunshine if I got her worrying about him or what he’d done. She needed to focus on her baby.
I kept telling myself this.
Kept trying to believe it too.
Halfway there, she fell asleep, her small body curled up on the seat. I parked the car and stared at her for a bit. It was mostly dark save for a nearby streetlight.
“Allie,” I whispered, “we’re here.”
She didn’t budge. All that moving around had caught up to her. I tried nudging her awake, but to no result. With a sigh, I got out and had to carry her to the elevator. While we rode it up, her arm snaked up and around my neck and she let out a contented breath. She felt like a warm ball I didn’t want to let go of, so I tightened my embrace on my way to the apartment.
I carried her to her room and gently laid her down on the soft bed. I slipped her sandals off and threw the covers over her. Then I pulled her hair tie out and placed it on the dresser. I stood straight and glanced at the doorway, knowing I should probably get out and leave her to sleep. But my eyes went back to her. Before I knew it, I was sitting down on the bed and stroking her hair. And when that wasn’t enough to ease the ache inside of me, I leaned my face to hers and ran my nose along her jaw, taking in her scent and the soft feel of her skin.
Fuck, what was I doing? And why the hell was I having these weird as hell urges to touch her?
As I pulled back, my breath felt like it’d been knocked right out of me when I found her eyes were opened and she was looking straight at me. Merely inches away, I stared back, knowing full well I’d been caught touching her inappropriately. I expected her to say something, but she just watched me with those tired eyes. They roamed around my face, settling on my mouth.
She looked like she wanted to kiss me.
Strange feelings flooded through me. My skin heated and my pulse quickened. Christ, I didn’t know how to act around this girl.
“Hey,” I whispered, because what the fuck else could I say right now? When she didn’t respond straightaway, I added, “I tried to wake you up. You passed out so I carried you here.” And rubbed my face against yours, but let’s not talk about that.
“Thanks,” she whispered back.
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I was having a bad dream.”
“About what?”
She shook her head weakly. “Being alone.”
“That’s not going to happen. You know that, right?”
Her eyes glistened as she looked about the room to keep from making eye contact. “Anyone that’s ever promised me that has pushed me away somehow. My dad, mom… Ryker. I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but… I don’t have much confidence in anyone anymore.”
Her words were killing me, and I stopped thinking about right or wrong. I pushed her further into the bed and slipped in beside her. I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to my side. In my mind I rationalized that showing her I meant my words by being close to her would help to calm her fears. But in my heart I knew it was wrong. If she had any reluctance getting so close, she didn’t show it. She was completely relaxed wrapping an arm around my middle as I said, “I’m a man of my word. You’re not getting rid of me.”
“I don’t want to,” she replied.
My heart – that little fist sized organ – exploded inside of me. I tightened my grip and stared up at the dark ceiling. Forever it took before my pulse slowly came down, yet every movement she made seemed to spike it again. My body wanted her. My heart ached for it too. But my brain… fuck, it was killing me with its logical bullshit. I listened to her breaths even out. I even looked down and watched her fall asleep in my arms like it was the most natural thing to ever happen.
This was happiness, I realized.
You’re the only one I trust.
Ryker’s words slayed me, and I started to think… maybe I wasn’t the best person to trust after all.
Nine
Allie
We sat in the waiting room, waiting for my first ultrasound. I grabbed a magazine and lazily flipped through the pages as pregnant women filled the room. There were a few men accompanying them, looking just as anxious and excited. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me. Would they think Heath was mine? I smiled at the absurdity of that.
We’d fallen into a comfortable routine, him and me. I started classes at college. I kept to myself, and I was surprised how easy that was. He drove me there every morning and I took a bus home after. I’d have something cooking by the time he got back from work. Afterwards, I studied in the living room and he usually sat next to me and watched television. There was surprisingly a lot of conversation to be had with Heath.
Since the night out at the bar, I’d never seen him so laid back and content. What he’d said about Trudy not mattering seemed to ring true, too. She was never brought up, and he never disappeared at nights either, making me think she was completely out of the picture.
I felt very grateful I had someone doing this with me right now. I would hate to have come here alone, facing my first ever pregnancy experience without a person I cared about to share it with, and I really started to value Heath more than anyone else. I’d had no one close before Ryker. I seemed to constantly drift through crowds, never finding a place in any of them. It didn’t upset me. My head was always about making this pregnancy work and keeping it a secret for as long as I could. It was a mission, especially when my bump was getting more and more visible every week.
I glanced at Heath. He was dressed in a plain white tee and jeans, his dark hair had grown a bit. For a short while, I’d leaned into him, taking in his scent, which was unique and musky. Anytime I was around him, I felt relaxed and in good hands. He made me feel protected, and like I could be myself.
Not having noticed my creepy close proximity, he was too busy watching the toddlers around a play area fighting over a couple of toy blocks. When one pushed the other down and stole them, he shook his head with a small smile on his face.
“What?” I asked him, amused by his attentiveness to them.
“I’ll be damned if I have a kid that doesn’t fight back,” he answered.
I laughed lightly, though the idea of him being a daddy made my chest tighten. He would be a great one.
“Well, any advice and I’ll be sure to pass it on to mine,” I told him, hiding my glum mood. There would be no daddy to teach my kid to fight back. It would be all on me, and that was a daunting thought.
He tore his eyes from the kids and looked at me, noticing how close I was to him. Brown eyes, gentle and calm, stared deeply into my own. I wished I knew what he was thinking then, because that smile slowly faded from his luscious lips. The second I felt heat in my cheeks, I turned away from his stare and back down at my magazine. While pretending to read, I was acutely aware of his every movement and it made my body tense being so near to him. How did it make any sense that I could be both comfortable and on edge around him?
“Allison Wallace.”
I nearly leaped to my feet when I heard my name. I set the magazine down on the shelf and went to the technician waiting by a hallway. Heath followed closely behind.
The young technician by the name of Ruby smiled warmly at me. “Hello, Miss Wallace, this way please.” She led us down the hallway and into the corner room and said, “Lay down and pull your shirt up over your bump.”
I lay on the bed prepared for me and lifted my shirt up. Heath took a seat beside me as Ruby set up the ultrasound machine.
“How are we doing this morning?” she asked, glancing between Heath and me. Her eyes lingered on him for a few moments, no doubt absorbed by his good looks.
“Good,” I muttered.
“And the father to be?”
My body tensed and I looked at Heath. When I spotted his back stiffen and his eyes widen, I immediately said, “No, no, he’s not the father.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” From the curve of her lips, sorry was the last thing she was.
Heath didn’t reply, but he looked stone faced now and wouldn’t meet my eye.
“Lean all the way back,” she told me as she slathered a jelly-like substance on the ultrasound probe. Once I did, she set it down over my stomach and an ice cold sensation shot through me.
“You’ve got a nice bump, little and pronounced,” she remarked as she moved the probe around. “Must be a genetic thing. Was your mother this small?”
I shrugged, not wanting to think of her. “I don’t know. She never talked about it.” She never talked about a lot of things, actually.
Black and white images sprang up on the monitor, and I stared at it for a while, not understanding what I was looking at. I concentrated hard until finally it settled and what I saw took my breath away.
“This is your wee one,” she said. “Nice and healthy by the looks of it.”
Peanut was in the shape of a baby. Big head, tiny body, and he was moving rapidly with his arms flailing.
Oh, my God.
I looked excitedly at Heath who was leaning forward, just as absorbed by the images as me.
“This is happening in my belly right now?” I asked in shock.
Ruby chuckled and gave me a nod. “Sure is.”
“I can’t feel any of it.”
“You possibly won’t for another six weeks. Twelve weeks is a little early to be feeling anything, especially with your first.”
I watched, dazed by the movements, as my baby began touching his face.
“Do you know the sex?” Heath asked.
“Not yet. Her next ultrasound at eighteen weeks may tell you that,” Ruby answered.
I’d already known that, but it was nice hearing Heath interested enough to ask. She began taking measurements and showing me different body parts, of my peanut’s hands, head and feet. It was beyond anything I could have imagined. My spirits soared, and I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. I was going to be a mother. Me, Allie Wallace. Wow.
“Baby is nice and healthy,” she said by the end. “I’ll have a DVD of the photos ready for you shortly.”
“Thank you,” I told her as she wiped off the gunk on my stomach.
I rolled my shirt down and moved off the bed. Heath stood up with me, still having not said a word to me since I’d corrected the technician, and we walked out. I didn’t let his indifferent demeanour bring down my mood. I was still reeling with excitement. I was going to have pictures of my baby!
*
The ride back to the apartment was quiet. I held my disc with both hands, already looking forward to reliving the experience when I got back and jumped on Heath’s laptop.
I looked over at him again, frowning at his off mood. God, what had I done?
“Are you alright?” I asked him when the silence got to be too much.
He nodded. “Yep.”
I sighed. He was lying. I set the disc down in my lap and turned to him fully. “Heath,” I started with a soft voice, “I want us to be open and honest with each other. Communication is extremely important. If something is bothering you, please let me know. That way we can avoid a misinterpretation, or any hurt feelings.”
