Loving Lawson
Page 13
I didn’t think. Didn’t even remember my name. I was absorbed by him. Stuck to the spot like I was a part of the earth. And I spent an awful amount of time wondering how it would feel to be kissed by him. Were his lips as soft as they looked? Would I come undone?
Would I kiss him back?
He may have been cocky a second ago, but now he was just as trapped by our gaze as me. For a brief moment, I could see he wanted the same thing. Passion and lust pooled in those beautiful eyes, his lips parted, his breathing lightened and –
“Hey, Lawson, just fucking kiss her already!” shouted a guy.
Immediately I looked away and breathed in what felt like the first gulp of oxygen in a century. Laughter erupted from the court as the guys watched, no longer playing basketball. I heard Heath exhale loudly and from my peripheral he moved away, but I couldn’t dare look at him. Not for a few more moments. The awkwardness was stifling.
“Oh, come on! No action?” shouted the guy again, bouncing the basketball with a lack of enthusiasm.
“Yeah, very funny,” Heath replied, and he didn’t sound one bit amused. They cackled again and he grunted in annoyance before saying to me, “Let’s get out of here.”
I stood up and walked by his side. It took only minutes – minutes that felt like hours – before he cleared away the strange moment by returning to what he was good at: making me laugh. And while he dissipated the awkward moment like a pro, he couldn’t shake what I felt for him out of me. It seeded itself in all of me and grew, and grew…
…and grew.
Lines were blurring, and I couldn’t tell where along the way I stopped caring.
Ten
Heath
Thank fuck I didn’t have to see her walking around in Ryker’s clothes anymore. It made my blood boil and my heart quicken with anger. It was irrational as hell, but I felt like she wasn’t properly looked after sitting around in another man’s clothes, even if it was someone she loved.
And just thinking about her loving Ryker pissed me off. Fuck, I was insane. Maybe I was spending too much time with one girl and that was why I’d developed this kind of possessiveness over her. Maybe I needed to branch out, try and fuck someone soon and banish her from my thoughts. Because it was wrong. It was wrong as hell looking at Allison and feeling this weird as fuck ache deepen from within. I knew what was happening to me, yet I was subjecting myself to this torture with a goddamn smile on my face.
Racing home from a shit day’s work knowing she’d be there.
Talking about our days.
Watching shit television until the early hours of the morning – which included some trash reality show about a girl with a gigantic ass that made me homicidal.
Pretending to give a fuck about her subjects at school when she talked about them, when all I really liked hearing was the delicate sound of her voice.
This was getting out of control, and while I was feeling total carnage from within, she knew nothing. I kept myself wound tight, not allowing her to see the affect she was having on me. But the more days that passed, the more that feeling grew, and my anger had escalated to a point of no return.
I was only thankful I had a big fight.
I was in the bathroom getting ready, taping my hands up as a means to pass the time. I didn’t want to be around Allie. She dizzied me with thoughts I ended up berating myself for having. I was feeling a little unbalanced. Sleeping hadn’t come easy lately, not when I was spending most of the night on a couch with a girl that I couldn’t touch. I hadn’t had a fucking release in ages – not since Tru – and it was really starting to mess with my head.
Sex was a big thing for me; a quick, effective way to set me right again. While Tru had been a good fix, I hadn’t thought about her once since she smashed the muffin tray on the kitchen floor and took off. Not cool. But on that note, I hadn’t thought about touching anybody else at all… save for the one I couldn’t. Was I just torturing myself and enjoying the misery derived from it?
“Another fight?”
Her voice made me tense for a second. I looked up from my hands and at her standing in the doorway, wearing her little fucking shorts and pink top. An acute like pain in my groin erupted, and I thought, yeah, I must be torturing myself. For almost sixteen weeks along, her pregnant belly still wasn’t obvious, though I noticed its rounded shape every time she stretched and her shirt rode up. Most would think she was just bloated.
“Yeah,” I simply said, looking back down at my hands. I didn’t want to talk. I needed to get this pent up anger out of my system. Needed to fight, needed to fuck, needed to go back to what my life was like before her. There was no reason I couldn’t. Especially when the girl I was pining for was forbidden fruit.
Fuck, I was pathetic.
“Do you know where?” she then asked.
I sighed. “Warehouse again.”
“Maybe I should come with you and cheer you on. Would be a fun way to spend my –”
“No,” I cut in sharply, glaring up at her. “Not tonight.”
At my tone, her frame shrunk back and her excitement washed away. She simply nodded at me and watched me walk out of the bathroom and into my room.
“You can order pizza,” I curtly told her, opening the night table drawer beside my bed and grabbing a few condoms. I stuffed them in the pocket of my jeans and looked over my shoulder when I sensed her presence. She was standing in the doorway, and her eyes were on my pocket before they shot back up to mine. “I’m going to be a little late tonight,” I added tightly.
Her gaze continued to flicker from my pocket back to my face a few times, and I could see the understanding there. And the hurt. I didn’t like the feeling it gave me that she knew what I was up to, but I swallowed it down. I was a grown man. Guilt wasn’t a feeling I deserved. I’d done nothing wrong. She wasn’t mine. I wasn’t hers. We had a line that separated us from ever coming together, and I’d nuke it if I could.
But I couldn’t.
“Okay,” she said quietly, frowning now. Before I could say anything else, she turned around and took off down the hallway. I heard her bedroom door shut quietly.
I exhaled and ran my hand through my hair. Fuck! I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to spend tonight on the couch, wanted her close enough to feel her heat, listen to her laugh, watch her smile… Pretty much, I wanted to fuck her with my eyes because I couldn’t with my hands.
I’m a sick bastard.
I grabbed my keys and stormed out of there.
*
The fight was a joke. I went up against another steroid injector that was unable to hack a bit of a cardio workout. These meatheads were all the goddamn same, weren’t they? I couldn’t admire someone that took shortcuts looking ripped, so I let him have it.
I painted his face good with blood, but it was over within minutes, and I was disappointed. My body was thrumming, that adrenaline so high I was tempted to run around a block, maybe jump the prowlers on the streets who were up to no good.
Instead of storming out of there at the very end and going home like usual, I took Matt up on his offer to crash the bar. It wasn’t my scene since Allie, but I needed a way to exert my energy. I drank a bit with a few fighters and let my eyes wander the room. There were chicks everywhere, giving it up to any man that was up for a chase. I wouldn’t have to chase, and I wasn’t being arrogant by saying this. The girls loved me. I could snatch up two in one night at the same time if it was something I wanted to do.
Instead, I sought out the blue eyed brunettes, knowing damn well why that was. Surely there were prettier girls with that description than the one I was living with. Maybe if I found one, she’d snap me out of the clusterfuck I was in. Finding a girl that was single, not in love with my brother, and not pregnant by him would be gloriously easy…
But on that note, Allie’s pregnancy was doing some wonders to her body. She was getting some curves in, and I could tell she wasn’t used to the way the clothes fit, hugging her widening hips. Yet she complained about them, and I should have been irritated every time she let her insecurity show, but I was strangely eager to please her and make her see how wrong she was.
And now you’re thinking about her AGAIN, you fucking douche.
“Nice to see you out,” Matt suddenly said, eyeing me from behind his beer as he swallowed a mouth full. “Didn’t think you had it in you anymore.”
I shrugged at his remark. Ever since the bar incident, Matt was odd to be around. He was always watching me curiously, like there was a baggage of thought behind those eyes.
“It’s because of Allie, isn’t it?” he then asked.
I shot him a glare and didn’t reply. He was back on my case about that? Why was he so obsessed?
“Spending too much time with her, I think.”
“She lives with me,” I retorted. “Kind of got no choice in the matter.”
“Not sure Ryker would like it.”
I bit my bottom lip hard and avoided his gaze. Was he asking for another punch to the face?
“You trying to start trouble?” I growled out, eyeing him dangerously.
The smug ass smirked at me. “Nah, man. I’m just saying –”
“Mind your own fucking business, Matt.”
“You’re my friend, and I just want to remind you. That’s all.”
“Remind me of what?”
He shrugged and looked away, pretending to be occupied by a group of girls in the corner of the bar. Quietly, he answered, “Of what belongs to you, and what doesn’t.”
I didn’t respond. I was angry. He knew it too, because he got up and nodded once at me before making his way to a few girls. I mulled his words over for several minutes. Asshole was right.
Fuck, I needed Allie out of my head.
I gulped down a bit of beer before I spotted a girl with long black hair and pale skin, drinking at a nearby table. She caught my gaze and smiled at me.
And that was my cue.
I stood up and headed for her.
Allie
I ground my teeth and fought the tears swimming behind my eyes.
Stupid hormones were turning me into a crazy, emotional wreck.
What the hell was wrong with Heath? What had I done for him to be so cold to me all of a sudden? I knew I shouldn’t be upset. What he did was his own business. Besides, what I was feeling was wrong. He was Ryker’s brother. He was completely off limits.
I went to the kitchen and opened the pizza that was delivered an hour ago. I grabbed my third piece and stared down at the cheesy mess, seeing nothing but the look on Heath’s face when he pocketed those –
“Condoms.” I whispered aloud with a scoff. “He took condoms.”
He was screwing some girl right now. Probably one as beautiful as Tru. Hell, it was probably Tru. Well, him and Tru could ride off into the sunset and have their happily ever after, or whatever made them happy. In my opinion, I think they deserved to ride into a pit of lava and die a long, painful death.
Well, never mind. That was a dark thought to have.
Maybe just Tru?
The sound of a key in the front door stirred me straight out of my scary thoughts. My heart skipped a beat as it swung open, and I was waiting for the sound of a giggle to fill the air, or a pair of long legs to come swooping into the room. But only one body came through the door.
Heath.
He was dishevelled, his workout tee sweaty and his jeans hanging low. His movements were slow. He shut the door and ran a hand through his inch long dark hair without appearing one bit drunk. It was nearly one in the morning, so I’d assumed he would be.
I’d been standing so still and silent, he hadn’t noticed me until he turned his body to the kitchen. When his eyes locked to mine, he stopped moving. I studied that face, locking my gaze for a second on his mouth that was slightly parted. Had they been ravaged? They didn’t look swollen. His body glistened with sweat, making his large muscled frame look more cut and pronounced. What had him so worked up?
“Did you have a good night?” I found myself asking, not masking the bitterness in my voice. I was never good at this. I always walked away before a confrontation. I didn’t like fights, but after all these weeks spending time with him and seeing him watch me, I was devastated and confused. “Did you party it up after your win? Is that why you were out for so long?”
He didn’t respond. He just stared at me. Something was very off. I didn’t like the feeling. Didn’t understand what it meant, and it was starting to anger me. I wanted some kind of reaction out of him, dammit.
“Hope you put those condoms to use too,” I added, even though every part of me was trembling.
His body stiffened and he took a sharp breath in.
Yes, a damn reaction finally. He wasn’t a mannequin after all.
“Were you with a girl?” I let out, and I instantly felt stupid for asking. I bit my lip hard as my eyes watered.
Emotion broke through and he looked angered by my question. “Why does it matter to you?” he retorted. “Why ask that?”
I didn’t respond. He took a step forward, his body suddenly taking on a threatening look as he angrily pointed at me and said, “Why aren’t you answering, Allie? Don’t like it when you’re the one being goaded with questions?”
I scowled at him and turned to leave.
“Don’t fucking walk away,” he said, causing me to halt in my steps. “How about answering me, huh? Why does it matter to you if I was with a girl?”
“It doesn’t,” I shot back.
“It doesn’t?” he repeated in scepticism. “Then why ask, Allie?”
I took a few more steps, turning my back to him. God, I’d opened up a can of worms with that one. I shouldn’t have questioned him like that! Shit, what was wrong with me?
Would I kiss him back?
He may have been cocky a second ago, but now he was just as trapped by our gaze as me. For a brief moment, I could see he wanted the same thing. Passion and lust pooled in those beautiful eyes, his lips parted, his breathing lightened and –
“Hey, Lawson, just fucking kiss her already!” shouted a guy.
Immediately I looked away and breathed in what felt like the first gulp of oxygen in a century. Laughter erupted from the court as the guys watched, no longer playing basketball. I heard Heath exhale loudly and from my peripheral he moved away, but I couldn’t dare look at him. Not for a few more moments. The awkwardness was stifling.
“Oh, come on! No action?” shouted the guy again, bouncing the basketball with a lack of enthusiasm.
“Yeah, very funny,” Heath replied, and he didn’t sound one bit amused. They cackled again and he grunted in annoyance before saying to me, “Let’s get out of here.”
I stood up and walked by his side. It took only minutes – minutes that felt like hours – before he cleared away the strange moment by returning to what he was good at: making me laugh. And while he dissipated the awkward moment like a pro, he couldn’t shake what I felt for him out of me. It seeded itself in all of me and grew, and grew…
…and grew.
Lines were blurring, and I couldn’t tell where along the way I stopped caring.
Ten
Heath
Thank fuck I didn’t have to see her walking around in Ryker’s clothes anymore. It made my blood boil and my heart quicken with anger. It was irrational as hell, but I felt like she wasn’t properly looked after sitting around in another man’s clothes, even if it was someone she loved.
And just thinking about her loving Ryker pissed me off. Fuck, I was insane. Maybe I was spending too much time with one girl and that was why I’d developed this kind of possessiveness over her. Maybe I needed to branch out, try and fuck someone soon and banish her from my thoughts. Because it was wrong. It was wrong as hell looking at Allison and feeling this weird as fuck ache deepen from within. I knew what was happening to me, yet I was subjecting myself to this torture with a goddamn smile on my face.
Racing home from a shit day’s work knowing she’d be there.
Talking about our days.
Watching shit television until the early hours of the morning – which included some trash reality show about a girl with a gigantic ass that made me homicidal.
Pretending to give a fuck about her subjects at school when she talked about them, when all I really liked hearing was the delicate sound of her voice.
This was getting out of control, and while I was feeling total carnage from within, she knew nothing. I kept myself wound tight, not allowing her to see the affect she was having on me. But the more days that passed, the more that feeling grew, and my anger had escalated to a point of no return.
I was only thankful I had a big fight.
I was in the bathroom getting ready, taping my hands up as a means to pass the time. I didn’t want to be around Allie. She dizzied me with thoughts I ended up berating myself for having. I was feeling a little unbalanced. Sleeping hadn’t come easy lately, not when I was spending most of the night on a couch with a girl that I couldn’t touch. I hadn’t had a fucking release in ages – not since Tru – and it was really starting to mess with my head.
Sex was a big thing for me; a quick, effective way to set me right again. While Tru had been a good fix, I hadn’t thought about her once since she smashed the muffin tray on the kitchen floor and took off. Not cool. But on that note, I hadn’t thought about touching anybody else at all… save for the one I couldn’t. Was I just torturing myself and enjoying the misery derived from it?
“Another fight?”
Her voice made me tense for a second. I looked up from my hands and at her standing in the doorway, wearing her little fucking shorts and pink top. An acute like pain in my groin erupted, and I thought, yeah, I must be torturing myself. For almost sixteen weeks along, her pregnant belly still wasn’t obvious, though I noticed its rounded shape every time she stretched and her shirt rode up. Most would think she was just bloated.
“Yeah,” I simply said, looking back down at my hands. I didn’t want to talk. I needed to get this pent up anger out of my system. Needed to fight, needed to fuck, needed to go back to what my life was like before her. There was no reason I couldn’t. Especially when the girl I was pining for was forbidden fruit.
Fuck, I was pathetic.
“Do you know where?” she then asked.
I sighed. “Warehouse again.”
“Maybe I should come with you and cheer you on. Would be a fun way to spend my –”
“No,” I cut in sharply, glaring up at her. “Not tonight.”
At my tone, her frame shrunk back and her excitement washed away. She simply nodded at me and watched me walk out of the bathroom and into my room.
“You can order pizza,” I curtly told her, opening the night table drawer beside my bed and grabbing a few condoms. I stuffed them in the pocket of my jeans and looked over my shoulder when I sensed her presence. She was standing in the doorway, and her eyes were on my pocket before they shot back up to mine. “I’m going to be a little late tonight,” I added tightly.
Her gaze continued to flicker from my pocket back to my face a few times, and I could see the understanding there. And the hurt. I didn’t like the feeling it gave me that she knew what I was up to, but I swallowed it down. I was a grown man. Guilt wasn’t a feeling I deserved. I’d done nothing wrong. She wasn’t mine. I wasn’t hers. We had a line that separated us from ever coming together, and I’d nuke it if I could.
But I couldn’t.
“Okay,” she said quietly, frowning now. Before I could say anything else, she turned around and took off down the hallway. I heard her bedroom door shut quietly.
I exhaled and ran my hand through my hair. Fuck! I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to spend tonight on the couch, wanted her close enough to feel her heat, listen to her laugh, watch her smile… Pretty much, I wanted to fuck her with my eyes because I couldn’t with my hands.
I’m a sick bastard.
I grabbed my keys and stormed out of there.
*
The fight was a joke. I went up against another steroid injector that was unable to hack a bit of a cardio workout. These meatheads were all the goddamn same, weren’t they? I couldn’t admire someone that took shortcuts looking ripped, so I let him have it.
I painted his face good with blood, but it was over within minutes, and I was disappointed. My body was thrumming, that adrenaline so high I was tempted to run around a block, maybe jump the prowlers on the streets who were up to no good.
Instead of storming out of there at the very end and going home like usual, I took Matt up on his offer to crash the bar. It wasn’t my scene since Allie, but I needed a way to exert my energy. I drank a bit with a few fighters and let my eyes wander the room. There were chicks everywhere, giving it up to any man that was up for a chase. I wouldn’t have to chase, and I wasn’t being arrogant by saying this. The girls loved me. I could snatch up two in one night at the same time if it was something I wanted to do.
Instead, I sought out the blue eyed brunettes, knowing damn well why that was. Surely there were prettier girls with that description than the one I was living with. Maybe if I found one, she’d snap me out of the clusterfuck I was in. Finding a girl that was single, not in love with my brother, and not pregnant by him would be gloriously easy…
But on that note, Allie’s pregnancy was doing some wonders to her body. She was getting some curves in, and I could tell she wasn’t used to the way the clothes fit, hugging her widening hips. Yet she complained about them, and I should have been irritated every time she let her insecurity show, but I was strangely eager to please her and make her see how wrong she was.
And now you’re thinking about her AGAIN, you fucking douche.
“Nice to see you out,” Matt suddenly said, eyeing me from behind his beer as he swallowed a mouth full. “Didn’t think you had it in you anymore.”
I shrugged at his remark. Ever since the bar incident, Matt was odd to be around. He was always watching me curiously, like there was a baggage of thought behind those eyes.
“It’s because of Allie, isn’t it?” he then asked.
I shot him a glare and didn’t reply. He was back on my case about that? Why was he so obsessed?
“Spending too much time with her, I think.”
“She lives with me,” I retorted. “Kind of got no choice in the matter.”
“Not sure Ryker would like it.”
I bit my bottom lip hard and avoided his gaze. Was he asking for another punch to the face?
“You trying to start trouble?” I growled out, eyeing him dangerously.
The smug ass smirked at me. “Nah, man. I’m just saying –”
“Mind your own fucking business, Matt.”
“You’re my friend, and I just want to remind you. That’s all.”
“Remind me of what?”
He shrugged and looked away, pretending to be occupied by a group of girls in the corner of the bar. Quietly, he answered, “Of what belongs to you, and what doesn’t.”
I didn’t respond. I was angry. He knew it too, because he got up and nodded once at me before making his way to a few girls. I mulled his words over for several minutes. Asshole was right.
Fuck, I needed Allie out of my head.
I gulped down a bit of beer before I spotted a girl with long black hair and pale skin, drinking at a nearby table. She caught my gaze and smiled at me.
And that was my cue.
I stood up and headed for her.
Allie
I ground my teeth and fought the tears swimming behind my eyes.
Stupid hormones were turning me into a crazy, emotional wreck.
What the hell was wrong with Heath? What had I done for him to be so cold to me all of a sudden? I knew I shouldn’t be upset. What he did was his own business. Besides, what I was feeling was wrong. He was Ryker’s brother. He was completely off limits.
I went to the kitchen and opened the pizza that was delivered an hour ago. I grabbed my third piece and stared down at the cheesy mess, seeing nothing but the look on Heath’s face when he pocketed those –
“Condoms.” I whispered aloud with a scoff. “He took condoms.”
He was screwing some girl right now. Probably one as beautiful as Tru. Hell, it was probably Tru. Well, him and Tru could ride off into the sunset and have their happily ever after, or whatever made them happy. In my opinion, I think they deserved to ride into a pit of lava and die a long, painful death.
Well, never mind. That was a dark thought to have.
Maybe just Tru?
The sound of a key in the front door stirred me straight out of my scary thoughts. My heart skipped a beat as it swung open, and I was waiting for the sound of a giggle to fill the air, or a pair of long legs to come swooping into the room. But only one body came through the door.
Heath.
He was dishevelled, his workout tee sweaty and his jeans hanging low. His movements were slow. He shut the door and ran a hand through his inch long dark hair without appearing one bit drunk. It was nearly one in the morning, so I’d assumed he would be.
I’d been standing so still and silent, he hadn’t noticed me until he turned his body to the kitchen. When his eyes locked to mine, he stopped moving. I studied that face, locking my gaze for a second on his mouth that was slightly parted. Had they been ravaged? They didn’t look swollen. His body glistened with sweat, making his large muscled frame look more cut and pronounced. What had him so worked up?
“Did you have a good night?” I found myself asking, not masking the bitterness in my voice. I was never good at this. I always walked away before a confrontation. I didn’t like fights, but after all these weeks spending time with him and seeing him watch me, I was devastated and confused. “Did you party it up after your win? Is that why you were out for so long?”
He didn’t respond. He just stared at me. Something was very off. I didn’t like the feeling. Didn’t understand what it meant, and it was starting to anger me. I wanted some kind of reaction out of him, dammit.
“Hope you put those condoms to use too,” I added, even though every part of me was trembling.
His body stiffened and he took a sharp breath in.
Yes, a damn reaction finally. He wasn’t a mannequin after all.
“Were you with a girl?” I let out, and I instantly felt stupid for asking. I bit my lip hard as my eyes watered.
Emotion broke through and he looked angered by my question. “Why does it matter to you?” he retorted. “Why ask that?”
I didn’t respond. He took a step forward, his body suddenly taking on a threatening look as he angrily pointed at me and said, “Why aren’t you answering, Allie? Don’t like it when you’re the one being goaded with questions?”
I scowled at him and turned to leave.
“Don’t fucking walk away,” he said, causing me to halt in my steps. “How about answering me, huh? Why does it matter to you if I was with a girl?”
“It doesn’t,” I shot back.
“It doesn’t?” he repeated in scepticism. “Then why ask, Allie?”
I took a few more steps, turning my back to him. God, I’d opened up a can of worms with that one. I shouldn’t have questioned him like that! Shit, what was wrong with me?
