Luna
Page 22
I tore off the wrapping and opened the box. Inside was a stack of stapled papers. A cover sheet with my name printed in pink ink lay on top. Underneath my name was written, “These look familiar?”
I scanned the first sheet. The temperature lab. Second sheet, the hydrogen peroxide lab. The worksheet on hydration. I riffled through the sheets and stopped on the test we had today. The one I totally blew. Showing up for class was a vague memory. Liam hadn’t failed the test. He’d gotten one hundred percent. Plus twenty-five extra points for answering the bonus question correctly.
Figures.
As I fanned through the pages, I saw he’d gotten A’s or A+’s on everything.
There was a smaller note at the bottom of the cover sheet. Liam had printed, “I hope this makes up for what I did.” He’d drawn a little heart. Next to it he’d written in curlicue cursive, “Love ya, Luna.” An arrow indicated more on back. I flipped it.
“P.S. These are probably worth a small fortune. Erase my name before you auction them on eBay.”
My jaw unhinged. He was right. People would sell their souls for a set of answer sheets to Chem I. Chris would. Stop thinking about him. He’s history.
Bruchac was an idiot. He didn’t even make up new test questions each term; just rearranged the order. Did he think people wouldn’t clue in?
The bigger question was, Would I take advantage of Bruchac? Would I cheat to save my soul?
No.
But to salvage my G.P.A.?
Yes.
She tiptoed down the stairs around eleven. I was still erasing Liam’s name from all the Bruchac Papers, while in the background a rerun of Liar, Liar played on The Movie Channel. Luna hadn’t changed her clothes. She wore a red suede skirt with a silk blouse, a striped scarf draped around her neck. The scarf was pinned in front with a cameo brooch. A little too Mrs. Doubtfire for my taste.
“How’d it go?” I asked absently.
She sank down beside me on the sofa, leaning back and closing her eyes. Tears glistened between her lashes.
“Not good?” I set the Bruchac Papers on the coffee table. As mad as I was at him, I wasn’t immune to her pain. “What happened?”
She sniffled, opened her eyes, and blinked at me. “It was incredible, Re,” she breathed.
Incredible. As in unimaginable? Horrifying?
Luna exhaled audibly. “It was just . . .” She blinked again and a tear slid down her cheek. “Teri Lynn is living my dream.”
My heart fell. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Her hand shot out and clasped mine. “I mean, it’s so fantastic. To know it can happen, that it’s possible. That I’m possible.” Her lungs filled hungrily, as if tasting life for the first time. She pushed to her feet and kissed the top of my head. “Thank you, Re,” she said, sort of wistfully, before floating off to bed.
Thank you for what? I wondered. Wishing her gone? “Thank you,” I called after her. “For the present.”
From the doorway, she blew me a kiss.
“Oh, and Aly called earlier. She said to remind you about the senior breakfast tomorrow. She’s picking you up at seven.”
Luna’s door lock clicked. I wasn’t sure she’d heard, she was blissing out so bad.
Liam was back the next morning at breakfast. In boy role. Something about him had changed, though. He seemed softer around the edges. His eyes weren’t vacant and dead anymore, as if they’d retained a glimmer of light from last night. He seemed looser, too, more relaxed, almost comfortable in his body.
I was relieved, glad for him, but worried. When I’d finally drifted off to sleep around midnight, I’d had a dream. A premonition that Liam was going to do something dangerous again. Impulsive. Reckless. The dream was hazy and I couldn’t invoke a clear image this morning; couldn’t conjure up what he’d done or where. Only this ominous foreboding remained.
A car honked outside. “That’s Aly.” Liam jumped up and glugged down the last of his milk. On his way past Mom, he looped an arm around her shoulders and said, “You look lovely today. As always.” He kissed her on the cheek. “Have a good one, Pops.” He waved to Dad.
Dad choked on his Cheerios. The front door closed and he said to Mom, “What’s he on? Some of your happy pills?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mom snapped.
Yikes. I prepared to exit stage right.
Mom said, “You know, Liam’s eighteenth birthday is next Saturday. Has he mentioned to either of you what he wants?”
Dad blew out a breath. “Like he’d tell me.”
They both angled their heads my way, eyebrows raised. Yeah, I considered telling them, Liam wants to be a girl. Can you arrange a small reception for his sex reassignment surgery? Maybe a little Post-op Party by Patrice? And Dad, you could redecorate the basement. She’s partial to pink.
“Not to me,” I mumbled.
Mom sighed. “I suppose we could give him money — again. Not that he needs it.”
Dad lifted his coffee cup. “I guess you’ll have to write the check since it’ll be coming out of your account.”
Mom’s fiery glare scorched the length of the tablecloth.
“Outta here,” I said, and jettisoned through the fire exit.
Liam intercepted me on my way to first period English. “Are you coming straight home from school today?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess. Unless I have to stop by the bank to make a rather large deposit.” I exaggerated a grin.
“I’m going to tell Aly.”
My backpack thudded to the floor. As I squatted to retrieve it, all the blood drained from my face. “Liam, no,” I said on the way up. Speaking to air.
He was halfway down the hall.
I sprinted to catch up. As I caromed around the corner, I had a head-on with a body. Chris Garazzo’s, to be precise.
“Regan, hey.” He clutched my arm to steady himself. I must’ve jerked because he let go fast. “Sorry. I, uh, want to talk to you,” he said.
In my peripheral vision, I saw Liam duck into the media center. “Not now.” I sidestepped Chris. “I have something to do.” More important than you, was the interpretation. I didn’t look back as I hammered down the hall. To save my brother from himself — again.
He was just slipping into a carrel. “Liam.” I perched on my haunches beside him, gulping for air. “You can’t tell Aly.”
He blinked at me. “Why not?”
“If you don’t know . . .”
He pulled out his physics text and said, “She already thinks I’m gay.”
My jaw dropped. “She told you that?”
He cast me a withering look. “She isn’t stupid, Re.” Flipping open a spiral, he licked his finger and leafed to a blank page, then printed his name at the top, the date underneath.
No, but you are, I thought. “Don’t, Liam.” The warning bell rang and I straightened to stand. “Don’t do this to her.”
His mechanical pencil poised over the page. “To her?” He shook his head. “You don’t get it, do you?” he said, sounding angry.
He was angry? “Liam —”
His cold stare froze me solid.
Releasing me from the icy grip, his eyes skimmed down the page of his physics text and he added, “I’d really like you to be there. For moral support in case I need it. If you don’t want to, though, I’ll understand.”
I hissed a breath between my teeth. It’s not that I don’t want to! I wanted to scream. But that’s exactly what it was. When he told Aly the truth about himself, I wanted to be on any other planet.
Chapter 21
She was in the basement with Liam, cursing and squealing, “You pig! Get off my ass.” Alyson smacked his arm. When my foot creaked on the bottom stair, I saw him lean away from her, looking smug and grinning evilly.
“I’ve decided to call this game Aly Oops,” he told her.
She slugged him in the arm, hard.
Please, I prayed to God, tell me that megabrain of his picked up Pentium speed during the day, that it executed the code called Understanding and Logic.
“Re, there you are.” Liam dropped his joystick and scrambled to his feet. Mine were weighted to the stair tread.
“Hey, Regan.” Aly acknowledged me with a wave over her shoulder. Liam’s death screech wailed from the speakers over-head — Aaah! “Whoo hoo,” Aly cheered. “I baked your butt.” She continued to punch her joystick for a moment before realizing Liam wasn’t playing. “The game isn’t over yet, is it?” She swiveled her head upward. “We’re only in eighth grade.”
Liam’s eyes locked with mine. Please, I mouthed. Don’t.
“I want to tell you something, Aly.” Liam blinked down at her.
My stomach hurt. I skittered to the sofa and dropped onto it like a body bag, doubling over and trying to swallow the rising bile in my throat.
Aly said, “Okay.” She set her joystick down and glanced over.
I felt her questioning eyes on me. All I could do was burn holes in the carpet and hold my breath. Hold out hope he wouldn’t go through with this.
Aly spun on her rear and hugged her knees. “So, what?”
Liam said, “I like your hair that way. I always have.”
Aly reached back to feel her ponytail. “Thanks. I wear it this way like, eight days a week.” She crossed her eyes.
“I know. I love it.”
I peered up to see Liam touch the top of Aly’s head. Please, God, no, I prayed.
“What I wanted to tell you . . .” Liam swallowed hard. He folded his arms around himself and let out a shallow breath. “What I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, Aly, is ...um...” His voice trailed off and he turned to me.
No. No way.
“Well, spit it out,” Aly said. “Christ. Do you have a brain tumor or somethi — Oh God.” Her hands covered her mouth. “You don’t —” Her voice muffled. “Liam —”
“No.” Liam placed a hand on her shoulder. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m not sick. I’m ...a girl.”
The air in the room stilled. Stopped. The walls closed in. Aly went, “Huh?”
Liam said, “That’s it. I’m a girl.”
That was it? Hadn’t he thought more about how he was going to reveal the truth about himself? Aly wasn’t going to understand “I’m a girl.” I’m sure.
Liam let out a little laugh. He sauntered over to the TV and took a swig of his soda. He set it down and said, “What you see on the outside? This,” he swept a hand down his body, “isn’t me. The real me is on the inside.”
“Well, duh.” Aly cocked her head. “That’s real deep, Liam. It’s true for all of us, isn’t it?” She rolled her eyes at me.
Really. He was blowing this. He was so inept.
Liam met my eyes, pleading.
No, Liam. No.
Please, Re, I could feel him begging. Help.
God. Why me? “What he means is he’s not really a guy.” I said the words so fast they all ran together. “He’s a girl. He’s trans. Get it?”
Aly frowned a little. “Trans what?”
Right. She didn’t know the lingo. “Transgender,” I told her. “He’s a girl in a boy’s body.”
Her expression didn’t change, but the height of the ceiling did. The weight of the world came crashing down. My heart began to hammer in my chest.
“I don’t understand.” Aly blinked up at Liam. “This is a joke, right?” She scrabbled to her feet. Punching Liam in the gut as she passed, she said, “You guys.” She retrieved her Sprite from the coffee table and flopped onto the sofa next to me.
“No joke,” Liam said. “I’m a trans girl. A T-girl. The way you’re a genetic girl, a G-girl.”
“G-girl, T-girl. What the hell are you talking about?” Aly gulped her Sprite.
Liam held my gaze. “Maybe I should just show her.”
“No —”
“Show me what?” Aly cut me off. “Your boobs? Your T-boobs?” She snorted and drank again.
Her hand was shaking. She was shaking. Liam noticed, too. He perched on the coffee table opposite Alyson and folded her hand between his. “My name is Luna,” he said softly. “I want you to know me. The real me.” His thumb traced the length of her slender index finger. Liam gently placed her hand in her own lap, stood, and headed for his room. He closed the door behind him.
Aly said, “What’s he going to do?”
I mashed my lips together, wishing to God I didn’t have to tell her. Wishing none of this was happening, that it was a dream, a nightmare, that I’d wake up to my actual life. My real life.
Aly said, her voice unsteady, “I thought he was going to tell me he was gay. I thought he was telling me he had AIDS.”
“Oh God, Aly. No.” I swiveled to face her. “It’s nothing like that.”
She was so white. “I mean, it’s okay if he’s gay. Gay people get married, right? They have kids. He could change.”
Was that the hope she’d been holding onto? All these years? She was deluding herself. Even if he was g*y —
“He’s not gay,” I said. “He’s trans. He’s not what he appears. He’ll show you. He’s going to change into her girl role. Except, it’s not really a role. It’s who he really is. Luna. Who she is.”
Aly looked so confused, so lost.
I was doing as bad a job at explaining as Liam had. I tucked a leg under me and took a deep breath. “I know this is hard to understand. It’s even harder to explain, but Liam feels like a girl. He is a girl, really. Problem is, she’s a girl who was born with a boy’s body. I don’t know how it happens, or why. Luna says it’s hard-wired into her brain to be female. It’s who she knows she is, same way you and I know. It’s instinctive. Natural.”
I scanned the first sheet. The temperature lab. Second sheet, the hydrogen peroxide lab. The worksheet on hydration. I riffled through the sheets and stopped on the test we had today. The one I totally blew. Showing up for class was a vague memory. Liam hadn’t failed the test. He’d gotten one hundred percent. Plus twenty-five extra points for answering the bonus question correctly.
Figures.
As I fanned through the pages, I saw he’d gotten A’s or A+’s on everything.
There was a smaller note at the bottom of the cover sheet. Liam had printed, “I hope this makes up for what I did.” He’d drawn a little heart. Next to it he’d written in curlicue cursive, “Love ya, Luna.” An arrow indicated more on back. I flipped it.
“P.S. These are probably worth a small fortune. Erase my name before you auction them on eBay.”
My jaw unhinged. He was right. People would sell their souls for a set of answer sheets to Chem I. Chris would. Stop thinking about him. He’s history.
Bruchac was an idiot. He didn’t even make up new test questions each term; just rearranged the order. Did he think people wouldn’t clue in?
The bigger question was, Would I take advantage of Bruchac? Would I cheat to save my soul?
No.
But to salvage my G.P.A.?
Yes.
She tiptoed down the stairs around eleven. I was still erasing Liam’s name from all the Bruchac Papers, while in the background a rerun of Liar, Liar played on The Movie Channel. Luna hadn’t changed her clothes. She wore a red suede skirt with a silk blouse, a striped scarf draped around her neck. The scarf was pinned in front with a cameo brooch. A little too Mrs. Doubtfire for my taste.
“How’d it go?” I asked absently.
She sank down beside me on the sofa, leaning back and closing her eyes. Tears glistened between her lashes.
“Not good?” I set the Bruchac Papers on the coffee table. As mad as I was at him, I wasn’t immune to her pain. “What happened?”
She sniffled, opened her eyes, and blinked at me. “It was incredible, Re,” she breathed.
Incredible. As in unimaginable? Horrifying?
Luna exhaled audibly. “It was just . . .” She blinked again and a tear slid down her cheek. “Teri Lynn is living my dream.”
My heart fell. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Her hand shot out and clasped mine. “I mean, it’s so fantastic. To know it can happen, that it’s possible. That I’m possible.” Her lungs filled hungrily, as if tasting life for the first time. She pushed to her feet and kissed the top of my head. “Thank you, Re,” she said, sort of wistfully, before floating off to bed.
Thank you for what? I wondered. Wishing her gone? “Thank you,” I called after her. “For the present.”
From the doorway, she blew me a kiss.
“Oh, and Aly called earlier. She said to remind you about the senior breakfast tomorrow. She’s picking you up at seven.”
Luna’s door lock clicked. I wasn’t sure she’d heard, she was blissing out so bad.
Liam was back the next morning at breakfast. In boy role. Something about him had changed, though. He seemed softer around the edges. His eyes weren’t vacant and dead anymore, as if they’d retained a glimmer of light from last night. He seemed looser, too, more relaxed, almost comfortable in his body.
I was relieved, glad for him, but worried. When I’d finally drifted off to sleep around midnight, I’d had a dream. A premonition that Liam was going to do something dangerous again. Impulsive. Reckless. The dream was hazy and I couldn’t invoke a clear image this morning; couldn’t conjure up what he’d done or where. Only this ominous foreboding remained.
A car honked outside. “That’s Aly.” Liam jumped up and glugged down the last of his milk. On his way past Mom, he looped an arm around her shoulders and said, “You look lovely today. As always.” He kissed her on the cheek. “Have a good one, Pops.” He waved to Dad.
Dad choked on his Cheerios. The front door closed and he said to Mom, “What’s he on? Some of your happy pills?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mom snapped.
Yikes. I prepared to exit stage right.
Mom said, “You know, Liam’s eighteenth birthday is next Saturday. Has he mentioned to either of you what he wants?”
Dad blew out a breath. “Like he’d tell me.”
They both angled their heads my way, eyebrows raised. Yeah, I considered telling them, Liam wants to be a girl. Can you arrange a small reception for his sex reassignment surgery? Maybe a little Post-op Party by Patrice? And Dad, you could redecorate the basement. She’s partial to pink.
“Not to me,” I mumbled.
Mom sighed. “I suppose we could give him money — again. Not that he needs it.”
Dad lifted his coffee cup. “I guess you’ll have to write the check since it’ll be coming out of your account.”
Mom’s fiery glare scorched the length of the tablecloth.
“Outta here,” I said, and jettisoned through the fire exit.
Liam intercepted me on my way to first period English. “Are you coming straight home from school today?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess. Unless I have to stop by the bank to make a rather large deposit.” I exaggerated a grin.
“I’m going to tell Aly.”
My backpack thudded to the floor. As I squatted to retrieve it, all the blood drained from my face. “Liam, no,” I said on the way up. Speaking to air.
He was halfway down the hall.
I sprinted to catch up. As I caromed around the corner, I had a head-on with a body. Chris Garazzo’s, to be precise.
“Regan, hey.” He clutched my arm to steady himself. I must’ve jerked because he let go fast. “Sorry. I, uh, want to talk to you,” he said.
In my peripheral vision, I saw Liam duck into the media center. “Not now.” I sidestepped Chris. “I have something to do.” More important than you, was the interpretation. I didn’t look back as I hammered down the hall. To save my brother from himself — again.
He was just slipping into a carrel. “Liam.” I perched on my haunches beside him, gulping for air. “You can’t tell Aly.”
He blinked at me. “Why not?”
“If you don’t know . . .”
He pulled out his physics text and said, “She already thinks I’m gay.”
My jaw dropped. “She told you that?”
He cast me a withering look. “She isn’t stupid, Re.” Flipping open a spiral, he licked his finger and leafed to a blank page, then printed his name at the top, the date underneath.
No, but you are, I thought. “Don’t, Liam.” The warning bell rang and I straightened to stand. “Don’t do this to her.”
His mechanical pencil poised over the page. “To her?” He shook his head. “You don’t get it, do you?” he said, sounding angry.
He was angry? “Liam —”
His cold stare froze me solid.
Releasing me from the icy grip, his eyes skimmed down the page of his physics text and he added, “I’d really like you to be there. For moral support in case I need it. If you don’t want to, though, I’ll understand.”
I hissed a breath between my teeth. It’s not that I don’t want to! I wanted to scream. But that’s exactly what it was. When he told Aly the truth about himself, I wanted to be on any other planet.
Chapter 21
She was in the basement with Liam, cursing and squealing, “You pig! Get off my ass.” Alyson smacked his arm. When my foot creaked on the bottom stair, I saw him lean away from her, looking smug and grinning evilly.
“I’ve decided to call this game Aly Oops,” he told her.
She slugged him in the arm, hard.
Please, I prayed to God, tell me that megabrain of his picked up Pentium speed during the day, that it executed the code called Understanding and Logic.
“Re, there you are.” Liam dropped his joystick and scrambled to his feet. Mine were weighted to the stair tread.
“Hey, Regan.” Aly acknowledged me with a wave over her shoulder. Liam’s death screech wailed from the speakers over-head — Aaah! “Whoo hoo,” Aly cheered. “I baked your butt.” She continued to punch her joystick for a moment before realizing Liam wasn’t playing. “The game isn’t over yet, is it?” She swiveled her head upward. “We’re only in eighth grade.”
Liam’s eyes locked with mine. Please, I mouthed. Don’t.
“I want to tell you something, Aly.” Liam blinked down at her.
My stomach hurt. I skittered to the sofa and dropped onto it like a body bag, doubling over and trying to swallow the rising bile in my throat.
Aly said, “Okay.” She set her joystick down and glanced over.
I felt her questioning eyes on me. All I could do was burn holes in the carpet and hold my breath. Hold out hope he wouldn’t go through with this.
Aly spun on her rear and hugged her knees. “So, what?”
Liam said, “I like your hair that way. I always have.”
Aly reached back to feel her ponytail. “Thanks. I wear it this way like, eight days a week.” She crossed her eyes.
“I know. I love it.”
I peered up to see Liam touch the top of Aly’s head. Please, God, no, I prayed.
“What I wanted to tell you . . .” Liam swallowed hard. He folded his arms around himself and let out a shallow breath. “What I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, Aly, is ...um...” His voice trailed off and he turned to me.
No. No way.
“Well, spit it out,” Aly said. “Christ. Do you have a brain tumor or somethi — Oh God.” Her hands covered her mouth. “You don’t —” Her voice muffled. “Liam —”
“No.” Liam placed a hand on her shoulder. “No, it’s nothing like that. I’m not sick. I’m ...a girl.”
The air in the room stilled. Stopped. The walls closed in. Aly went, “Huh?”
Liam said, “That’s it. I’m a girl.”
That was it? Hadn’t he thought more about how he was going to reveal the truth about himself? Aly wasn’t going to understand “I’m a girl.” I’m sure.
Liam let out a little laugh. He sauntered over to the TV and took a swig of his soda. He set it down and said, “What you see on the outside? This,” he swept a hand down his body, “isn’t me. The real me is on the inside.”
“Well, duh.” Aly cocked her head. “That’s real deep, Liam. It’s true for all of us, isn’t it?” She rolled her eyes at me.
Really. He was blowing this. He was so inept.
Liam met my eyes, pleading.
No, Liam. No.
Please, Re, I could feel him begging. Help.
God. Why me? “What he means is he’s not really a guy.” I said the words so fast they all ran together. “He’s a girl. He’s trans. Get it?”
Aly frowned a little. “Trans what?”
Right. She didn’t know the lingo. “Transgender,” I told her. “He’s a girl in a boy’s body.”
Her expression didn’t change, but the height of the ceiling did. The weight of the world came crashing down. My heart began to hammer in my chest.
“I don’t understand.” Aly blinked up at Liam. “This is a joke, right?” She scrabbled to her feet. Punching Liam in the gut as she passed, she said, “You guys.” She retrieved her Sprite from the coffee table and flopped onto the sofa next to me.
“No joke,” Liam said. “I’m a trans girl. A T-girl. The way you’re a genetic girl, a G-girl.”
“G-girl, T-girl. What the hell are you talking about?” Aly gulped her Sprite.
Liam held my gaze. “Maybe I should just show her.”
“No —”
“Show me what?” Aly cut me off. “Your boobs? Your T-boobs?” She snorted and drank again.
Her hand was shaking. She was shaking. Liam noticed, too. He perched on the coffee table opposite Alyson and folded her hand between his. “My name is Luna,” he said softly. “I want you to know me. The real me.” His thumb traced the length of her slender index finger. Liam gently placed her hand in her own lap, stood, and headed for his room. He closed the door behind him.
Aly said, “What’s he going to do?”
I mashed my lips together, wishing to God I didn’t have to tell her. Wishing none of this was happening, that it was a dream, a nightmare, that I’d wake up to my actual life. My real life.
Aly said, her voice unsteady, “I thought he was going to tell me he was gay. I thought he was telling me he had AIDS.”
“Oh God, Aly. No.” I swiveled to face her. “It’s nothing like that.”
She was so white. “I mean, it’s okay if he’s gay. Gay people get married, right? They have kids. He could change.”
Was that the hope she’d been holding onto? All these years? She was deluding herself. Even if he was g*y —
“He’s not gay,” I said. “He’s trans. He’s not what he appears. He’ll show you. He’s going to change into her girl role. Except, it’s not really a role. It’s who he really is. Luna. Who she is.”
Aly looked so confused, so lost.
I was doing as bad a job at explaining as Liam had. I tucked a leg under me and took a deep breath. “I know this is hard to understand. It’s even harder to explain, but Liam feels like a girl. He is a girl, really. Problem is, she’s a girl who was born with a boy’s body. I don’t know how it happens, or why. Luna says it’s hard-wired into her brain to be female. It’s who she knows she is, same way you and I know. It’s instinctive. Natural.”
