Manic
Page 29
"Yeah, I do."
"So, what I'm feeling is… normal?"
"It is."
"So you're OK with it?"
"Would you be OK with it? If it was me doing a contract like this?"
Oh God. He's totally breaking up with me.
"Rook? Would you?"
What do I say? No, I'd break up with you. Or, Yes, I would, so you should be OK with this too.
"Rook, it's not a hard question."
I take a deep breath and then let it out. "No, I wouldn't be OK with it."
"I'm not either, but it's too late for that. You signed, I decided to stand by you and wait it out, and this is what that looks like."
"Are you mad at me?"
"Yeah. I am, I'm not gonna lie, Rook. It pisses me off and it's even worse knowing I'm not there. Antoine isn't paying attention during the artwork, is he?"
"No, he's upstairs the whole time."
"So who's in there? Ford?"
"Yes."
"Spencer, obviously. Camera crews?"
"Yes, and the director people."
"Billy?"
"No, but he walks me to and from the studio and he's in charge of helping me wash the paint off." He grunts at this. "That was Antoine's call, Ronin. Not me. It was him or Spencer, and Antoine said Billy. And if it makes you feel any better, I'd prefer Billy because Billy knows exactly what he's doing and he keeps it professional."
"So Spencer tried something with you?"
"No! That's not what I said. It's just Billy understands this is pretend."
He lets out a long controlled breath but stays silent for a while. I have nothing to add, so I just let him think it through. "Well, I told you, Rook. I warned you and now it's all playing out exactly as I feared."
"What's that mean? I'm not interested in Spencer, Ronin. He's been one hundred percent professional with me during the painting. It's really only the photo shoots that bother me, because he wants me to kiss him and stuff."
Silence.
"Did you hear me?"
More silence.
"So we're fighting? That's what's happening?"
"What do you want me to say, Rook? It bothers me, but I'll get over it? Is that what you want to hear?"
"Well, yeah. That's perfect actually. But I know you're messing with me, so it's also pretty f**ked up."
Silence again.
"So I'll see you Sunday, then?"
"Sunday, yeah. We'll be home late afternoon probably."
"I miss you. And you didn't even give me a chance to say anything when you said you loved me earlier."
"It just slipped out. Sorry."
Long, dreadful, agonizing silence.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? "I'm tired, exhausted really, and Ford will be here at five to make me run stadiums with him, so I—"
"What?"
"Ford. I made a deal with him so I can use your apartment to shower and get some privacy. I hope that's OK."
"Which part," he growls, "the fact that you're running with Ford in the morning or using my apartment while I'm gone?"
"OK, I'm hanging up now." I press end on my phone and lie back on my bed. He's got every right to be mad but I don't have to listen to that shit.
My phone buzzes.
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"Look, Ronin, let's just break up then, OK? Because as you pointed out to me the other night, I'm stuck. This job needs to get done. I'm committed to it, and there's nothing I can do. So let's just call it off and maybe we can try again later or maybe we just say f**k it. You can take care of Clare for the rest of your life and I can move on and go to school."
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes. Because I spent the whole f**king day worried about you, Ronin. I worried about every single thing I did, and even though Spencer told me I was being ridiculous and Billy assured me you would understand, I couldn't stop thinking about how mad you were gonna be. And I can't live like that. So, I won't use your apartment, OK? And you just take your time coming home. Bye."
I end the call and then look up and realize every single bit of this was just caught on camera. I stow my tears away until I make it outside and then I go sit under the cherry trees and cry.
It's one of those poor-me, silent and tearful, pity cries. And it gives me a headache. But this day has been too much for me all of a sudden and I can't hold it in. And the last thing I want is for Director Larry and his people to watch me fall apart after that stupid conversation.
I'm not sure how long I've been lying out here when the studio door opens. I listen to the click of expensive shoes across the concrete. "What now?" I say, annoyed.
Ford stops and looks down on me. "What are you doing?"
"Crying. What does it look like I'm doing? And I'm sure you guys got all that on camera, so don't waste my time with your feigned innocence, Ford. I'm not in the mood."
He smiles and sits down on a nearby picnic table. "See, feigned, that's another one. Most drop-outs don't use feigned, either."
"Go away."
"We were listening to the conversation, Rook."
I turn away from him and close my tired eyes. "Go away."
"Your phone's been buzzing since you hung up on him, so why not just go answer it?"
"So, what I'm feeling is… normal?"
"It is."
"So you're OK with it?"
"Would you be OK with it? If it was me doing a contract like this?"
Oh God. He's totally breaking up with me.
"Rook? Would you?"
What do I say? No, I'd break up with you. Or, Yes, I would, so you should be OK with this too.
"Rook, it's not a hard question."
I take a deep breath and then let it out. "No, I wouldn't be OK with it."
"I'm not either, but it's too late for that. You signed, I decided to stand by you and wait it out, and this is what that looks like."
"Are you mad at me?"
"Yeah. I am, I'm not gonna lie, Rook. It pisses me off and it's even worse knowing I'm not there. Antoine isn't paying attention during the artwork, is he?"
"No, he's upstairs the whole time."
"So who's in there? Ford?"
"Yes."
"Spencer, obviously. Camera crews?"
"Yes, and the director people."
"Billy?"
"No, but he walks me to and from the studio and he's in charge of helping me wash the paint off." He grunts at this. "That was Antoine's call, Ronin. Not me. It was him or Spencer, and Antoine said Billy. And if it makes you feel any better, I'd prefer Billy because Billy knows exactly what he's doing and he keeps it professional."
"So Spencer tried something with you?"
"No! That's not what I said. It's just Billy understands this is pretend."
He lets out a long controlled breath but stays silent for a while. I have nothing to add, so I just let him think it through. "Well, I told you, Rook. I warned you and now it's all playing out exactly as I feared."
"What's that mean? I'm not interested in Spencer, Ronin. He's been one hundred percent professional with me during the painting. It's really only the photo shoots that bother me, because he wants me to kiss him and stuff."
Silence.
"Did you hear me?"
More silence.
"So we're fighting? That's what's happening?"
"What do you want me to say, Rook? It bothers me, but I'll get over it? Is that what you want to hear?"
"Well, yeah. That's perfect actually. But I know you're messing with me, so it's also pretty f**ked up."
Silence again.
"So I'll see you Sunday, then?"
"Sunday, yeah. We'll be home late afternoon probably."
"I miss you. And you didn't even give me a chance to say anything when you said you loved me earlier."
"It just slipped out. Sorry."
Long, dreadful, agonizing silence.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with that? "I'm tired, exhausted really, and Ford will be here at five to make me run stadiums with him, so I—"
"What?"
"Ford. I made a deal with him so I can use your apartment to shower and get some privacy. I hope that's OK."
"Which part," he growls, "the fact that you're running with Ford in the morning or using my apartment while I'm gone?"
"OK, I'm hanging up now." I press end on my phone and lie back on my bed. He's got every right to be mad but I don't have to listen to that shit.
My phone buzzes.
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"Look, Ronin, let's just break up then, OK? Because as you pointed out to me the other night, I'm stuck. This job needs to get done. I'm committed to it, and there's nothing I can do. So let's just call it off and maybe we can try again later or maybe we just say f**k it. You can take care of Clare for the rest of your life and I can move on and go to school."
"Is that what you want?"
"Yes. Because I spent the whole f**king day worried about you, Ronin. I worried about every single thing I did, and even though Spencer told me I was being ridiculous and Billy assured me you would understand, I couldn't stop thinking about how mad you were gonna be. And I can't live like that. So, I won't use your apartment, OK? And you just take your time coming home. Bye."
I end the call and then look up and realize every single bit of this was just caught on camera. I stow my tears away until I make it outside and then I go sit under the cherry trees and cry.
It's one of those poor-me, silent and tearful, pity cries. And it gives me a headache. But this day has been too much for me all of a sudden and I can't hold it in. And the last thing I want is for Director Larry and his people to watch me fall apart after that stupid conversation.
I'm not sure how long I've been lying out here when the studio door opens. I listen to the click of expensive shoes across the concrete. "What now?" I say, annoyed.
Ford stops and looks down on me. "What are you doing?"
"Crying. What does it look like I'm doing? And I'm sure you guys got all that on camera, so don't waste my time with your feigned innocence, Ford. I'm not in the mood."
He smiles and sits down on a nearby picnic table. "See, feigned, that's another one. Most drop-outs don't use feigned, either."
"Go away."
"We were listening to the conversation, Rook."
I turn away from him and close my tired eyes. "Go away."
"Your phone's been buzzing since you hung up on him, so why not just go answer it?"
