Maybe Matt's Miracle
Page 15
He nods. “I do.”
“So, it’s just me you never had a relationship with?” The words are out, hanging in the air, before I even realize I said them. I want to jerk them back, but it’s too late.
He lays his napkin down.
“When I met your mother, I was flat broke. I went to college in Virginia on a scholarship, and one day I saw your mother walking barefoot on the grass.” He smiles. “She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She was wearing a green flowery sundress and her toenails were painted pink. Her hair hung down over her shoulders, and it was a riot of curls.”
I’ve never seen my dad get all nostalgic. I’m not sure I like it.
“I was a total nerd, and she was the most free-spirited person I had ever met. I fell in love with her in seconds.”
“What happened?” I ask. I stop eating because I have never heard him like this before, and I’m afraid he’ll stop. I don’t want him to stop, despite the fact that this feeling is so foreign to me. I actually want to hear about their past from my dad.
“I played around with computers. That’s all I wanted to do, until I met her. Then life became fun and playful. We built forts in our dorm rooms, and then we’d spend the day wrapped up inside them.” His face gets a little red, and he coughs into his fist. “It was magical.”
“That doesn’t sound like Mom at all.”
He makes a snuffling noise. “I know, right?” he says. “But she was amazing. We got married, and then your mom got pregnant with Tim and then with Lydia, and we didn’t have a pot to piss in, but we were happy. So happy. Sometimes it hurts to even think back to those days. Because then things changed.”
“You cheated.”
His eyes jerk up to mine. “No. That was after.”
“After what?”
“Your mom got pregnant a third time and then miscarried late term. Very late term. She sunk into a depression and had a really hard time coming out of it. At the same time, I sold some computer software I wrote to a big company, and we suddenly had some money. We bought a house, and your mom started to settle in. But I had long hours, and she started to pull away from me more and more. She started dressing in fancy clothes and going out to lunch with friends, all of whom were really wealthy, and we were growing more and more wealthy, too.”
“I didn’t know about the baby.”
“So, I was working all the time, some of which was to support her new need for more things, bigger cars, and jewelry.” He shakes his head. “The girl I met in the grass that day was suddenly gone, and I worked really hard to bring her back. I had a limited amount of time and even less energy, but I did try. Your mom pushed me away at every turn, and finally, I realized that we were just living in the same house. We weren’t in love anymore. We were nothing.”
“That’s when you met Kendra’s mom.”
He nods. “She worked in my office. It was terribly inappropriate, and I still feel bad about it. But what hurt even more was when I broke things off with her and went to confess my sins to your mother, your mom just didn’t care anymore. She wanted to maintain her lifestyle and nothing more. So, I stayed in a relationship with Kendra’s mother. And your mother became the woman she is today.”
“Cold and heartless.”
“She’s not cold and heartless,” he protests. “She’s just…hurt, I think. I don’t know. She never really got over that baby. And she never got over us. And neither did I.”
“Dad,” I start. “How did you two end up with me?” I’m fifteen years younger than my siblings. Like a whole new family.
He smiles. “It was crazy. One day I went home, and your mother was in the garden. She had dirt from the tip of her nose to the bottoms of her feet. Honestly, she acted a little bit nuts that day, looking back on it, but she was her old self. I don’t know what happened, but it was like someone flipped a switch in her. I looked into her eyes and saw the woman I fell in love with.”
He grins. “She looked up at me from the dirt pile and asked me if I wanted to help. She shoved a trowel at me, and I took off my coat and rolled up my sleeves. We got dirty together and then the sprinklers suddenly came on, drenching us both. Your mother, with her perfect hair and her perfect everything else, would normally throw a hissy fit if she got wet or dirty, but she just flopped down on the grass and laughed. That was when I realized your mother was sober. She was completely and totally sober, and she hadn’t been for a really long time.
“She’d gone through AA and been in therapy, and I hadn’t even noticed it. She wasn’t taking pain pills she didn’t need. Her head was clear, and she was that laughing, funny, intelligent girl I met in college. But older and better. And I realized I still loved her. I worked really hard to court her and make her fall in love with me again. And she did. She let me back in.”
“Did you stop seeing Kendra’s mother?”
He nods. “I couldn’t stop seeing her entirely because we had a daughter together, but I did stop the relationship. She was heartbroken, but she got over it. I think she respected the fact that I wanted my marriage again, in some small way.” He shrugs. “She did fall in love again and marry, and it wasn’t a relationship that had to be in secret. Back then, interracial couples didn’t go out in public without some pretty obnoxious stares, particularly wealthy white men who are already married. But she met a man and got married. She was happy. And I was happy with your mom.” He grins. “And you were born. Your mom was ecstatic.”
I snort. “You’re a good liar, Dad.”
He holds up his hands as though surrendering. “I’m not lying. It was like we had a new start.”
I wait because he’s going to drop the bomb on me soon. I can feel it coming.
“Then when you were around five, I noticed that she was going out to lunches with her old friends, and she was suddenly pushing me away. She started drinking again, and it became all about the wealth. No matter what I did, she wouldn’t get any help. But I stayed. I never left her side. Kendra’s mother died, and your mom threw a party, even though that relationship had been over for years. I’ve never been able to forgive her for that.”
“Ding-dong, the witch is dead,” I whisper.
He startles. “You knew about that?”
I nod, and tears fill my eyes. I brush them back. “She was drunk when it happened. When she told me, I mean.”
“I hired nannies to take care of you because she simply wasn’t able. I worked because I had to keep her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. Looking back, I should have forced her to get treatment. She could have been a wonderful mother to you if I had.”
“All water under the bridge, Dad,” I say. “None of it can be changed now.” I start to clear the dishes from the table.
“Your mom is in rehab again,” he blurts out.
I sink back in my chair, and the plates clatter to the tabletop. “Now?”
He nods. “Yes, now. She went. I saw her yesterday. She looks good. Like her old self. She wants to see you.”
I feel like someone has let the air out of me. “I assumed you asked me to take these kids because you knew I didn’t care if I ever had a relationship with Mother.”
I may as well have slapped him. “I asked you to take them because you have more love to give than anyone I have ever met. They needed you.”
“No, Dad,” I correct. “I needed them. They don’t love me yet, but they have the potential to. And I’m hopeful that one day they will because I already know I love them. All of them.”
“I had a feeling that’s how this would go.”
“Why the sudden interest in my life, Dad?” I ask. “Phone calls and lunches and showing up at matches… I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t know why you’re doing it.” I pound my fist on the table, and the dishes jump. “You don’t have to pretend to love me for me to love them.”
“I’m not pretending, Sky. I love you. I know I royally messed things up. But I’m still your father, and if you’ll let me, I want to be there for you.”
“Take, take, take, take.” I throw up my hands. “That’s all you ever do, Dad. You take. You took from Kendra’s mother. You took from Kendra. You take from the kids because they make you feel loved. There’s nothing like unconditional love from children.” I squeeze my fist in front of my heart. “You took from Mom.”
“Your mom has her own demons.”
“And so do you, Dad. It’s called being an unfaithful liar.”
He opens his mouth to protest, but I hold up a hand. “Do you know that I can’t have a healthy relationship with a man because I’m constantly waiting for him to leave? I’m waiting and waiting for him to take off and go away, just like you. I’m always waiting for him to drop me. And I don’t care if he does because I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me.”
Jesus Christ. Where did that come from?
I get up and finally put the plates in the sink. “I think you should go, Dad,” I say. I brace my hands on the edge of the counter because my knees are about to give out.
I hear Dad shuffle around. Then he comes over and kisses my temple really quickly. “I love you, Sky,” he says.
Then he’s gone. And it’s not until he leaves the room that I let myself break. I drop onto the couch and put my head in my hands and sob. I cry because I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for him to unburden his soul all over my kitchen table. Now I know enough that I pity him, and I’d rather hate him. I’d rather feel nothing at all. There’s a noise at the door, and it opens. I’m about to scream at Dad, but I see Seth come in. He stops short when he sees me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I force a smile and sweep beneath my eyes with my fingertips. “Allergies,” I say. “Why are you home early?”
“We got out at noon today,” he says. “Half day.”
“Oh.” He must have forgotten to tell me he had a half day. It wouldn’t matter anyway, since Joey and Mellie would be gone all day regardless. Day care isn’t on the same schedule. I get up and try to smile at him. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
I go into my room and lean heavily against the door. How did everything get so messed up?
Matt
Paul sits across from me at the kitchen table munching on his Honey Graham Oh’s. He flings an envelope at me from the mail pile. I look down at the elegant scroll. Fuck. It’s the invitation.
I open it up and read out loud. “You are cordially invited to the wedding of the lying bitch and the cheating fuckhead of a best friend.” I lay it down on the table and point to the envelope. “Look, she included the whole family. You guys can go with me.”
“Are you going to go?” Paul asks around his cereal.
I shrug. “I don’t see why I should. It’s not like it matters.”
He grins. “You’re over her.”
“Hell, yeah, I’m over her,” I say. And I am. I am one hundred percent completely over her. “I am pretty damn sure I’m in love with Sky.”
I’ve seen her every night this week. On the days when I can’t go over to the apartment at night, I take her to an early lunch at work. I don’t want to go a day without seeing her. We still haven’t moved past the hot-kissing stage, but that’s okay with me.
Paul narrows his eyes at me. “That was quick.”
“Pete and Logan say that’s how it worked for them.” I snap my fingers. “Quick.”
Paul shakes his head. “I can’t say I’ve ever felt that.”
Hopefully, one day, he will.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out. Why would Seth be calling me this early in the afternoon?
“What’s wrong, Seth?” I ask. I’m grinning when I answer, but it soon falls from my face. He’s quiet. Too quiet.
“Seth?” I ask.
“I came home from school early today,” he says, his voice a whisper.
“Okay…”
“And Aunt Sky was crying on the couch.”
“Do you know why?” I grab my keys and start for the door.
“I don’t know. It wasn’t like a little sniffle, either. She was just sobbing. Like shoulder-shaking, can’t-catch-your-breath, sobbing. Do you think she has her period or something?”
Her period. I snort to myself. He better not say that where she can hear him. “Where is she now?” I’m already walking down the street toward a cab. I jump in and talk to Seth the whole way to their apartment.
“She said she was going to take a shower.”
“Okay, let me in when I get there.”
“I don’t know what to do with a crying woman,” he whispers vehemently.
Neither do I, but we’ll figure it out.
He lets me in when I knock, and then he throws up his hands and points toward Sky’s room. I go and knock lightly on the door. She doesn’t open it, so I test the knob. It turns, and I let myself into the room. I can hear water running from the shower, so I go in that direction.
She’s still crying. I can see her shoulders heaving through the shower glass. All I can think is that she needs to be held. I strip down to nothing and open the shower door. She startles and then realizes it’s me and jumps into my arms. She’s completely na**d, all wet, but she’s sobbing so I can’t even enjoy it.
“So, it’s just me you never had a relationship with?” The words are out, hanging in the air, before I even realize I said them. I want to jerk them back, but it’s too late.
He lays his napkin down.
“When I met your mother, I was flat broke. I went to college in Virginia on a scholarship, and one day I saw your mother walking barefoot on the grass.” He smiles. “She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She was wearing a green flowery sundress and her toenails were painted pink. Her hair hung down over her shoulders, and it was a riot of curls.”
I’ve never seen my dad get all nostalgic. I’m not sure I like it.
“I was a total nerd, and she was the most free-spirited person I had ever met. I fell in love with her in seconds.”
“What happened?” I ask. I stop eating because I have never heard him like this before, and I’m afraid he’ll stop. I don’t want him to stop, despite the fact that this feeling is so foreign to me. I actually want to hear about their past from my dad.
“I played around with computers. That’s all I wanted to do, until I met her. Then life became fun and playful. We built forts in our dorm rooms, and then we’d spend the day wrapped up inside them.” His face gets a little red, and he coughs into his fist. “It was magical.”
“That doesn’t sound like Mom at all.”
He makes a snuffling noise. “I know, right?” he says. “But she was amazing. We got married, and then your mom got pregnant with Tim and then with Lydia, and we didn’t have a pot to piss in, but we were happy. So happy. Sometimes it hurts to even think back to those days. Because then things changed.”
“You cheated.”
His eyes jerk up to mine. “No. That was after.”
“After what?”
“Your mom got pregnant a third time and then miscarried late term. Very late term. She sunk into a depression and had a really hard time coming out of it. At the same time, I sold some computer software I wrote to a big company, and we suddenly had some money. We bought a house, and your mom started to settle in. But I had long hours, and she started to pull away from me more and more. She started dressing in fancy clothes and going out to lunch with friends, all of whom were really wealthy, and we were growing more and more wealthy, too.”
“I didn’t know about the baby.”
“So, I was working all the time, some of which was to support her new need for more things, bigger cars, and jewelry.” He shakes his head. “The girl I met in the grass that day was suddenly gone, and I worked really hard to bring her back. I had a limited amount of time and even less energy, but I did try. Your mom pushed me away at every turn, and finally, I realized that we were just living in the same house. We weren’t in love anymore. We were nothing.”
“That’s when you met Kendra’s mom.”
He nods. “She worked in my office. It was terribly inappropriate, and I still feel bad about it. But what hurt even more was when I broke things off with her and went to confess my sins to your mother, your mom just didn’t care anymore. She wanted to maintain her lifestyle and nothing more. So, I stayed in a relationship with Kendra’s mother. And your mother became the woman she is today.”
“Cold and heartless.”
“She’s not cold and heartless,” he protests. “She’s just…hurt, I think. I don’t know. She never really got over that baby. And she never got over us. And neither did I.”
“Dad,” I start. “How did you two end up with me?” I’m fifteen years younger than my siblings. Like a whole new family.
He smiles. “It was crazy. One day I went home, and your mother was in the garden. She had dirt from the tip of her nose to the bottoms of her feet. Honestly, she acted a little bit nuts that day, looking back on it, but she was her old self. I don’t know what happened, but it was like someone flipped a switch in her. I looked into her eyes and saw the woman I fell in love with.”
He grins. “She looked up at me from the dirt pile and asked me if I wanted to help. She shoved a trowel at me, and I took off my coat and rolled up my sleeves. We got dirty together and then the sprinklers suddenly came on, drenching us both. Your mother, with her perfect hair and her perfect everything else, would normally throw a hissy fit if she got wet or dirty, but she just flopped down on the grass and laughed. That was when I realized your mother was sober. She was completely and totally sober, and she hadn’t been for a really long time.
“She’d gone through AA and been in therapy, and I hadn’t even noticed it. She wasn’t taking pain pills she didn’t need. Her head was clear, and she was that laughing, funny, intelligent girl I met in college. But older and better. And I realized I still loved her. I worked really hard to court her and make her fall in love with me again. And she did. She let me back in.”
“Did you stop seeing Kendra’s mother?”
He nods. “I couldn’t stop seeing her entirely because we had a daughter together, but I did stop the relationship. She was heartbroken, but she got over it. I think she respected the fact that I wanted my marriage again, in some small way.” He shrugs. “She did fall in love again and marry, and it wasn’t a relationship that had to be in secret. Back then, interracial couples didn’t go out in public without some pretty obnoxious stares, particularly wealthy white men who are already married. But she met a man and got married. She was happy. And I was happy with your mom.” He grins. “And you were born. Your mom was ecstatic.”
I snort. “You’re a good liar, Dad.”
He holds up his hands as though surrendering. “I’m not lying. It was like we had a new start.”
I wait because he’s going to drop the bomb on me soon. I can feel it coming.
“Then when you were around five, I noticed that she was going out to lunches with her old friends, and she was suddenly pushing me away. She started drinking again, and it became all about the wealth. No matter what I did, she wouldn’t get any help. But I stayed. I never left her side. Kendra’s mother died, and your mom threw a party, even though that relationship had been over for years. I’ve never been able to forgive her for that.”
“Ding-dong, the witch is dead,” I whisper.
He startles. “You knew about that?”
I nod, and tears fill my eyes. I brush them back. “She was drunk when it happened. When she told me, I mean.”
“I hired nannies to take care of you because she simply wasn’t able. I worked because I had to keep her in the lifestyle to which she was accustomed. Looking back, I should have forced her to get treatment. She could have been a wonderful mother to you if I had.”
“All water under the bridge, Dad,” I say. “None of it can be changed now.” I start to clear the dishes from the table.
“Your mom is in rehab again,” he blurts out.
I sink back in my chair, and the plates clatter to the tabletop. “Now?”
He nods. “Yes, now. She went. I saw her yesterday. She looks good. Like her old self. She wants to see you.”
I feel like someone has let the air out of me. “I assumed you asked me to take these kids because you knew I didn’t care if I ever had a relationship with Mother.”
I may as well have slapped him. “I asked you to take them because you have more love to give than anyone I have ever met. They needed you.”
“No, Dad,” I correct. “I needed them. They don’t love me yet, but they have the potential to. And I’m hopeful that one day they will because I already know I love them. All of them.”
“I had a feeling that’s how this would go.”
“Why the sudden interest in my life, Dad?” I ask. “Phone calls and lunches and showing up at matches… I don’t know what to do with it all. I don’t know why you’re doing it.” I pound my fist on the table, and the dishes jump. “You don’t have to pretend to love me for me to love them.”
“I’m not pretending, Sky. I love you. I know I royally messed things up. But I’m still your father, and if you’ll let me, I want to be there for you.”
“Take, take, take, take.” I throw up my hands. “That’s all you ever do, Dad. You take. You took from Kendra’s mother. You took from Kendra. You take from the kids because they make you feel loved. There’s nothing like unconditional love from children.” I squeeze my fist in front of my heart. “You took from Mom.”
“Your mom has her own demons.”
“And so do you, Dad. It’s called being an unfaithful liar.”
He opens his mouth to protest, but I hold up a hand. “Do you know that I can’t have a healthy relationship with a man because I’m constantly waiting for him to leave? I’m waiting and waiting for him to take off and go away, just like you. I’m always waiting for him to drop me. And I don’t care if he does because I never let anyone get close enough to hurt me.”
Jesus Christ. Where did that come from?
I get up and finally put the plates in the sink. “I think you should go, Dad,” I say. I brace my hands on the edge of the counter because my knees are about to give out.
I hear Dad shuffle around. Then he comes over and kisses my temple really quickly. “I love you, Sky,” he says.
Then he’s gone. And it’s not until he leaves the room that I let myself break. I drop onto the couch and put my head in my hands and sob. I cry because I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for him to unburden his soul all over my kitchen table. Now I know enough that I pity him, and I’d rather hate him. I’d rather feel nothing at all. There’s a noise at the door, and it opens. I’m about to scream at Dad, but I see Seth come in. He stops short when he sees me.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I force a smile and sweep beneath my eyes with my fingertips. “Allergies,” I say. “Why are you home early?”
“We got out at noon today,” he says. “Half day.”
“Oh.” He must have forgotten to tell me he had a half day. It wouldn’t matter anyway, since Joey and Mellie would be gone all day regardless. Day care isn’t on the same schedule. I get up and try to smile at him. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
I go into my room and lean heavily against the door. How did everything get so messed up?
Matt
Paul sits across from me at the kitchen table munching on his Honey Graham Oh’s. He flings an envelope at me from the mail pile. I look down at the elegant scroll. Fuck. It’s the invitation.
I open it up and read out loud. “You are cordially invited to the wedding of the lying bitch and the cheating fuckhead of a best friend.” I lay it down on the table and point to the envelope. “Look, she included the whole family. You guys can go with me.”
“Are you going to go?” Paul asks around his cereal.
I shrug. “I don’t see why I should. It’s not like it matters.”
He grins. “You’re over her.”
“Hell, yeah, I’m over her,” I say. And I am. I am one hundred percent completely over her. “I am pretty damn sure I’m in love with Sky.”
I’ve seen her every night this week. On the days when I can’t go over to the apartment at night, I take her to an early lunch at work. I don’t want to go a day without seeing her. We still haven’t moved past the hot-kissing stage, but that’s okay with me.
Paul narrows his eyes at me. “That was quick.”
“Pete and Logan say that’s how it worked for them.” I snap my fingers. “Quick.”
Paul shakes his head. “I can’t say I’ve ever felt that.”
Hopefully, one day, he will.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out. Why would Seth be calling me this early in the afternoon?
“What’s wrong, Seth?” I ask. I’m grinning when I answer, but it soon falls from my face. He’s quiet. Too quiet.
“Seth?” I ask.
“I came home from school early today,” he says, his voice a whisper.
“Okay…”
“And Aunt Sky was crying on the couch.”
“Do you know why?” I grab my keys and start for the door.
“I don’t know. It wasn’t like a little sniffle, either. She was just sobbing. Like shoulder-shaking, can’t-catch-your-breath, sobbing. Do you think she has her period or something?”
Her period. I snort to myself. He better not say that where she can hear him. “Where is she now?” I’m already walking down the street toward a cab. I jump in and talk to Seth the whole way to their apartment.
“She said she was going to take a shower.”
“Okay, let me in when I get there.”
“I don’t know what to do with a crying woman,” he whispers vehemently.
Neither do I, but we’ll figure it out.
He lets me in when I knock, and then he throws up his hands and points toward Sky’s room. I go and knock lightly on the door. She doesn’t open it, so I test the knob. It turns, and I let myself into the room. I can hear water running from the shower, so I go in that direction.
She’s still crying. I can see her shoulders heaving through the shower glass. All I can think is that she needs to be held. I strip down to nothing and open the shower door. She startles and then realizes it’s me and jumps into my arms. She’s completely na**d, all wet, but she’s sobbing so I can’t even enjoy it.
