Maybe Now
Page 38
Sydney nods. We sit together in silence for a bit while I process everything. While I process her. I don’t understand her. How can one person be this understanding? It would be so easy for her to be in Ridge’s ear right now instead of mine, convincing him that I don’t appreciate him and all that he’s done enough for me. But instead, she’s here. More than likely without his knowledge. She’s not fighting to fit erase me from the picture, one I honestly no longer belong in. she’s fighting to fit into a picture that already exists. To embrace its inhabitants. To be included.
“You’re a better person than me,” I finally say. “I can see now why he fell in love with you.”
Sydney smiles a little. “He once fell in love with you, too, Maggie. I find it hard to believe he didn’t have a million reasons for doing so.”
I stare at her, wondering if that’s actually true. I’ve always felt like my illness was the reason Ridge fell in love with me. I even said that to him once. My exact words were, “I think my illness is the thing you love the most about me.” I said it right here in the living room when we ended things for good.
But maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe he loved me for me, and in doing so, he really did want the best for me because of me, and not because of his personality.
My God, my mother sure fucked me up. I guess that’s expected, though. When you have a mother who can’t love you, how are you supposed to believe anyone else could?
Sydney is right. Ridge deserves a lot more respect than what I’ve given him. He also deserves the girl sitting across from me right now, because this situation could have taken so many possible roads, but Sydney chose the high one. When a person takes the high road, it encourages those around them to do the same.
It might be a tight and awkward fit at first, but I’m glad she’s now in our frame.
I’m walking around my apartment on eggshells, afraid to open doors, afraid to eat food out of the refrigerator, afraid to go to sleep. It’s Warren’s turn to prank me, so I’m expecting it every hour and with everything I eat or drink. But it never comes. Which makes me even more paranoid.
Maybe not pranking me is the prank.
No, he’s not that clever.
I wish I could stay over at Sydney’s place tonight just to get rid of this paranoia, but she works at the library until close, so she won’t even be home until after midnight. Then she has class at eight in the morning.
I haven’t seen her since Saturday. Or Sunday, really, but I slept so hard I don’t even remember her leaving for breakfast or writing me the note. But it’s Tuesday now, and I’m going through Sydney withdrawals.
I’m finally caught up on work, though. And I’ve sent Brennan lyrics to a whole new song. Now I’m Googling new ways to prank Warren because I feel like I need to stay a step ahead of him, but the best Google can come up with are the Post-it Note pranks we refuse to stoop to. Everything else, we’ve tried.
I’m watching a video compilation on YouTube of roommates pranking each other when I feel my phone vibrate on my bed.
Sydney: I’m tired of restocking books. They really should have robots for this by now.
Ridge: But then you’d be out of a job.
Sydney: Unless I was an engineer. Then I could be in charge of the robot.
Ridge: Maybe you should switch your major.
Sydney: What are you doing right now?
Ridge: Googling ways to prank Warren. I’m out of ideas. You got any?
Sydney: You should fill a box with five kittens and put it in his bedroom. Because buying your friend one kitten is kind of sweet, but buying them five kittens is terrible.
Ridge: I’m not sure that would be funny for me because he’d probably keep all five of them and I’d end up having to pay five pet deposits.
Sydney: Yeah, that was a terrible prank idea.
Ridge: I see nothing has changed. I’m still the prank master.
Sydney: Says the guy who’s experiencing a bad case of pranker’s block.
Ridge: Touché. Hey, do you get a lunch break tonight?
Sydney: Just took it at six. :/
Ridge: Dammit. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. You want me to come to your place?
Sydney: Yes, please. I want you all to myself for the night.
Ridge: Then I am yours. I love you. See you tomorrow.
Sydney: Love you.
I close out our texts and open up the missed text from Bridgette I just received while I was saying goodbye to Sydney. Bridgette never texts me unless it’s to tell me something in the apartment is broken. Not this time, though. Her text simply says, Someone is at the door, like she’s too busy to get up and answer it. She never does answer the door, though. I wonder if that’s because she doesn’t really feel like this is her apartment.
I walk to my closet and grab a T-shirt, pulling it over my head as I make my way to the front door. I look through the peephole while my hand is turning the doorknob, but I stop turning it as soon as I recognize Maggie. She’s standing in front of the door, hugging herself as the wind whips her hair around.
The next few seconds are a little bizarre for me. I watch her for a moment, wondering what she wants, but not wondering enough to open the door in a hurry. I turn around and face the living room, needing a second to focus on my next move. This is the first time she’s shown up at my apartment as something other than my girlfriend. I’ve never opened the door for her and not immediately kissed her. I’ve never opened the door for her without pulling her to my bedroom. I have no desire to do either of those things, nor do I feel a loss because it’s no longer our routine. I just feel…different.
I turn and open the door, just as she gives up and walks toward the apartment stairs. She glances up at me and pauses her foot over the first step, then slowly turns around and faces me. Her expression is calm. She isn’t looking at me like she can’t stand me—like she was looking at me this past weekend. She lifts her hand and pushes her hair from her face, waiting for me to invite her in. There’s an air of humility about her as she glances down at her feet for a few seconds. When our eyes meet again, I step back and hold the door open. She stares at her feet as she walks into the apartment.
I slide my phone out of my pocket as Maggie stands in the middle of the living room. I don’t want this becoming anything it isn’t, so I text Sydney.
Ridge: Maggie just showed up unannounced. Not sure what she’s here for yet, but I wanted you to know.
I slide my phone back into my pocket and look up at Maggie. She motions to the refrigerator and asks if she can grab something to drink. It’s odd, because she would have never asked before. She would have just grabbed a drink. I nod and say, “Of course.”
She walks to the refrigerator and opens the door, but she just stares inside blankly for a moment. That’s when I realize I don’t have any Dr. Pepper for her. I used to keep the refrigerator stocked with Dr. Pepper for whenever she showed up, but it’s been months since she’s been here. I stopped buying Dr. Pepper after we broke up. It was odd at first, not grabbing the usual 12-pack I used to get every time I went grocery shopping, but I don’t even think about it anymore. Now I just make sure I have water and tea.
She grabs two waters and hands me one of them. “Thank you,” I say.
She points to the kitchen table and signs, “Do you have a minute?”
I nod, but am very aware my phone hasn’t buzzed in my pocket. Either Sydney hasn’t read my text yet, or she’s upset that Maggie showed up here. I’m hoping it’s the former. I’m sure it is. Sydney is the most reasonable person I’ve ever met. Even if it upset her that Maggie showed up here, she would still text me back.
We’re both at the table now, me at the head of it and her in the chair to my right. She takes her jacket off and then folds her hands together in front of her, resting her elbows on the table. She’s staring down at them, inhaling a calming breath. Her eyes swing in my direction when she begins to sign. “I would have come by sooner, but my grandfather died two days ago. Sunday night.”
I immediately blow out a breath and grab her hand. I squeeze it, then pull her in for a hug. I feel like such an asshole right now. I knew he was sick. No matter how things were left between us Saturday morning, I should have checked in with her about her grandfather. He died two days ago and I had no idea. Why wouldn’t she at least tell Warren?
“You’re a better person than me,” I finally say. “I can see now why he fell in love with you.”
Sydney smiles a little. “He once fell in love with you, too, Maggie. I find it hard to believe he didn’t have a million reasons for doing so.”
I stare at her, wondering if that’s actually true. I’ve always felt like my illness was the reason Ridge fell in love with me. I even said that to him once. My exact words were, “I think my illness is the thing you love the most about me.” I said it right here in the living room when we ended things for good.
But maybe that wasn’t true. Maybe he loved me for me, and in doing so, he really did want the best for me because of me, and not because of his personality.
My God, my mother sure fucked me up. I guess that’s expected, though. When you have a mother who can’t love you, how are you supposed to believe anyone else could?
Sydney is right. Ridge deserves a lot more respect than what I’ve given him. He also deserves the girl sitting across from me right now, because this situation could have taken so many possible roads, but Sydney chose the high one. When a person takes the high road, it encourages those around them to do the same.
It might be a tight and awkward fit at first, but I’m glad she’s now in our frame.
I’m walking around my apartment on eggshells, afraid to open doors, afraid to eat food out of the refrigerator, afraid to go to sleep. It’s Warren’s turn to prank me, so I’m expecting it every hour and with everything I eat or drink. But it never comes. Which makes me even more paranoid.
Maybe not pranking me is the prank.
No, he’s not that clever.
I wish I could stay over at Sydney’s place tonight just to get rid of this paranoia, but she works at the library until close, so she won’t even be home until after midnight. Then she has class at eight in the morning.
I haven’t seen her since Saturday. Or Sunday, really, but I slept so hard I don’t even remember her leaving for breakfast or writing me the note. But it’s Tuesday now, and I’m going through Sydney withdrawals.
I’m finally caught up on work, though. And I’ve sent Brennan lyrics to a whole new song. Now I’m Googling new ways to prank Warren because I feel like I need to stay a step ahead of him, but the best Google can come up with are the Post-it Note pranks we refuse to stoop to. Everything else, we’ve tried.
I’m watching a video compilation on YouTube of roommates pranking each other when I feel my phone vibrate on my bed.
Sydney: I’m tired of restocking books. They really should have robots for this by now.
Ridge: But then you’d be out of a job.
Sydney: Unless I was an engineer. Then I could be in charge of the robot.
Ridge: Maybe you should switch your major.
Sydney: What are you doing right now?
Ridge: Googling ways to prank Warren. I’m out of ideas. You got any?
Sydney: You should fill a box with five kittens and put it in his bedroom. Because buying your friend one kitten is kind of sweet, but buying them five kittens is terrible.
Ridge: I’m not sure that would be funny for me because he’d probably keep all five of them and I’d end up having to pay five pet deposits.
Sydney: Yeah, that was a terrible prank idea.
Ridge: I see nothing has changed. I’m still the prank master.
Sydney: Says the guy who’s experiencing a bad case of pranker’s block.
Ridge: Touché. Hey, do you get a lunch break tonight?
Sydney: Just took it at six. :/
Ridge: Dammit. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. You want me to come to your place?
Sydney: Yes, please. I want you all to myself for the night.
Ridge: Then I am yours. I love you. See you tomorrow.
Sydney: Love you.
I close out our texts and open up the missed text from Bridgette I just received while I was saying goodbye to Sydney. Bridgette never texts me unless it’s to tell me something in the apartment is broken. Not this time, though. Her text simply says, Someone is at the door, like she’s too busy to get up and answer it. She never does answer the door, though. I wonder if that’s because she doesn’t really feel like this is her apartment.
I walk to my closet and grab a T-shirt, pulling it over my head as I make my way to the front door. I look through the peephole while my hand is turning the doorknob, but I stop turning it as soon as I recognize Maggie. She’s standing in front of the door, hugging herself as the wind whips her hair around.
The next few seconds are a little bizarre for me. I watch her for a moment, wondering what she wants, but not wondering enough to open the door in a hurry. I turn around and face the living room, needing a second to focus on my next move. This is the first time she’s shown up at my apartment as something other than my girlfriend. I’ve never opened the door for her and not immediately kissed her. I’ve never opened the door for her without pulling her to my bedroom. I have no desire to do either of those things, nor do I feel a loss because it’s no longer our routine. I just feel…different.
I turn and open the door, just as she gives up and walks toward the apartment stairs. She glances up at me and pauses her foot over the first step, then slowly turns around and faces me. Her expression is calm. She isn’t looking at me like she can’t stand me—like she was looking at me this past weekend. She lifts her hand and pushes her hair from her face, waiting for me to invite her in. There’s an air of humility about her as she glances down at her feet for a few seconds. When our eyes meet again, I step back and hold the door open. She stares at her feet as she walks into the apartment.
I slide my phone out of my pocket as Maggie stands in the middle of the living room. I don’t want this becoming anything it isn’t, so I text Sydney.
Ridge: Maggie just showed up unannounced. Not sure what she’s here for yet, but I wanted you to know.
I slide my phone back into my pocket and look up at Maggie. She motions to the refrigerator and asks if she can grab something to drink. It’s odd, because she would have never asked before. She would have just grabbed a drink. I nod and say, “Of course.”
She walks to the refrigerator and opens the door, but she just stares inside blankly for a moment. That’s when I realize I don’t have any Dr. Pepper for her. I used to keep the refrigerator stocked with Dr. Pepper for whenever she showed up, but it’s been months since she’s been here. I stopped buying Dr. Pepper after we broke up. It was odd at first, not grabbing the usual 12-pack I used to get every time I went grocery shopping, but I don’t even think about it anymore. Now I just make sure I have water and tea.
She grabs two waters and hands me one of them. “Thank you,” I say.
She points to the kitchen table and signs, “Do you have a minute?”
I nod, but am very aware my phone hasn’t buzzed in my pocket. Either Sydney hasn’t read my text yet, or she’s upset that Maggie showed up here. I’m hoping it’s the former. I’m sure it is. Sydney is the most reasonable person I’ve ever met. Even if it upset her that Maggie showed up here, she would still text me back.
We’re both at the table now, me at the head of it and her in the chair to my right. She takes her jacket off and then folds her hands together in front of her, resting her elbows on the table. She’s staring down at them, inhaling a calming breath. Her eyes swing in my direction when she begins to sign. “I would have come by sooner, but my grandfather died two days ago. Sunday night.”
I immediately blow out a breath and grab her hand. I squeeze it, then pull her in for a hug. I feel like such an asshole right now. I knew he was sick. No matter how things were left between us Saturday morning, I should have checked in with her about her grandfather. He died two days ago and I had no idea. Why wouldn’t she at least tell Warren?
