Maybe Now
Page 46
“There are casinos in Oklahoma?” she asks.
“Huge ones.”
Maggie pulls the list from me and looks it over. She smiles while she reads it, then pulls the notebook and pen from my hands. She places the list on top of the notebook. At the top of the list, it reads, “Things I want to do. Maybe one of these days…”
Maggie scratches out part of the title so that the list reads, “Things I want to do. Maybe Now.”
I was scolded today.
It’s the first time I’ve seen my doctor since she walked out of my hospital room—right before I bailed. The first half of my appointment today was spent apologizing to her and promising to take things more seriously from now on. The second half of my appointment was spent with different specialists. When you have Cystic Fibrosis, your team comes to you in one central location, as it’s not safe to sit in the different waiting rooms for each specialist. It’s one of the things I love about my doctor that I didn’t get the full benefits of while living in San Antonio. I really do feel like my health will be easier to maintain now that I’m back in Austin. I just have to quit letting my frustration over this illness win out over my will. Which is hard, because I’m very easily frustrated.
I’ve been gone most of the day, but when I pull back up to the apartment, I’m surprised to see Ridge’s car here. He’s been staying at Sydney’s the majority of the week. Today is Friday, and I was supposed to move tomorrow, but it’s been pushed back to Sunday. I’m sure Ridge will be happy to have his own bed again.
Or not. I doubt he’s all that upset about spending so much time at Sydney’s.
When I open the living room door, they’re both on the couch. Ridge is holding a book in front of him, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Sydney is leaning against him, looking at the words on the pages as he reads aloud.
Ridge is reading. Out loud.
I stare at them for a moment. He struggles with a word, and Sydney makes him look at her as she sounds it out for him. She’s helping him pronounce the words out loud. It’s such an intimate moment, I want to be anywhere else when I close the door and gain Sydney’s attention. She looks up and then sits up straight, putting a little distance between herself and Ridge. I notice. So does he, because he stops reading and follows Sydney’s gaze until he sees me.
“Hey.” I smile and set my purse on the bar.
“Hi,” Sydney says. “How was the appointment?”
I shrug. “Overall, it was good. But I spent most of it being scolded.” I grab a water out of the refrigerator and then head toward the bedroom I’m staying in. “I deserved it, though.” I walk to my room and close the door. I fall down onto the bed because it’s the only thing in here. There isn’t even a dresser or a TV or a chair. Just me and a bed and a living room I feel slightly uncomfortable in.
Not because Ridge is in there with Sydney. I honestly don’t mind seeing them together. The only thing that bothers me about it is that seeing them together reminds me of Jake, and I feel a sting of jealousy that it’s not me and Jake cuddled together on a couch somewhere. I feel like Ridge and Sydney fit together in a way that’s similar to how Jake and I fit together. Or could have fit together.
It’s interesting to me, looking back, just how wrong Ridge and I were for each other. And it isn’t at all because anything is necessarily wrong with us as individuals. We just didn’t bring out the best sides of each other. Not like Sydney does with him. I mean, he’s sitting on a couch, reading to her. And he’s doing it because it’s his way of perfecting his speaking voice. That’s not a side of him I ever brought out. Or even encouraged. We’ve had conversations in the past about why he doesn’t verbalize, but he always just shrugged it off and said he didn’t like doing it. I never asked for a deeper explanation than that.
I remember the day I was in the hospital and found all the messages between him and Sydney. I didn’t read them all in that moment because I honestly didn’t want to. I was hurt and a little blindsided. But once I made it home, I read every word. More than once. And the conversation that hurt me the most was when Ridge explained to Sydney where the band Sounds Of Cedar got its name.
The reason it hurt so much is because I realized, in all the years we’d been dating, I’d never once asked Ridge where the band name came from. And because of that, I’d never known exactly how much he’d done for Brennan when they were younger.
There was a lot I read that I once wished I’d never read between the two of them. Between all the iMessages and Facebook messages, I sat there for hours reading. But reading all of it also made something very clear to me: There was so much more to Ridge than I was aware of. There were things he shared with Sydney over a short period of knowing her that he never once shared with me over a six-year stretch. And that wasn’t because Ridge was hiding anything from me about himself or his past, or lying in any way. There were just things about both of us we never dug deep enough to figure out. It occurred to me that maybe we didn’t share those things because they were sacred to us. And you only share the really sacred stuff with the people who reach you on that deep of a level.
I didn’t reach Ridge on the level that Sydney did. And Ridge didn’t reach me.
I ultimately decided to end our relationship because of their connection. Not because they had formed it…but because Ridge and I never had.
People are supposed to bring out the best in each other. I didn’t bring out the best in Ridge. He didn’t bring out the best in me. But seeing Sydney on the couch with him just now, helping him… She brings out the best in him.
I noticed how she pulled away from him a little when she realized I was in the room with them. It bothers me that she felt she needed to do that. I want her to know that their physical affection is not something they should feel obligated to hide on my account. I actually, in a weird way, like seeing how much they like each other. It gives me even more reassurance that I made the right choice by not allowing Ridge to use my illness as a reason to stay with me.
I stand up and make my way back to the living room. The only thing that’s going to alleviate the awkwardness when we’re all in a room together is to force us all to be in a room together even more. Hiding in my bedroom isn’t going to get us anywhere.
Sadly, Ridge is no longer on the couch with Sydney when I walk back into the living room. She’s in the kitchen, rummaging through a cabinet. Ridge is no longer in the room.
I walk to the bar and take a seat, watching Sydney. “What are you guys doing tomorrow?” I ask her.
She spins around and her hand is over her heart. “You scared me.” She laughs and closes the cabinet. “I think we all planned to help you move tomorrow, so the day is open now that you aren’t moving until Sunday.”
“What do you mean we all? Is Warren off tomorrow too?”
She nods. “Bridgette, too. Although I don’t think she was actually going to help with the move.”
I laugh. “I would have been shocked if she did.”
“True. Why are you asking?” Sydney says. “Do you have something in mind?”
I shrug. “Nothing specific. I just thought… I don’t know. Maybe it would be good for all of us if we spent more time together. Now that…well…”
Sydney nods, like she’s been thinking the same thing. “Now that the dynamics have changed and it’s hella awkward?”
“Yep. That.”
Sydney laughs and then leans forward on the counter in thought. “Maybe we could do the cave thing. In Georgetown.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of lunch,” I admit. “I don’t expect you guys to spend your entire Saturday with me.”
“The caves sound really fun, though.”
I tilt my head, watching her for a sign that she’s just saying that to be polite. Sometimes she seems too nice and too accommodating, to the point that it makes me suspicious. But I also get nothing but an authentic vibe from her. Maybe some people just don’t stoop to the same levels of jealousy that others do. As if Sydney can sense the suspicion in my expression, she continues speaking.
“Huge ones.”
Maggie pulls the list from me and looks it over. She smiles while she reads it, then pulls the notebook and pen from my hands. She places the list on top of the notebook. At the top of the list, it reads, “Things I want to do. Maybe one of these days…”
Maggie scratches out part of the title so that the list reads, “Things I want to do. Maybe Now.”
I was scolded today.
It’s the first time I’ve seen my doctor since she walked out of my hospital room—right before I bailed. The first half of my appointment today was spent apologizing to her and promising to take things more seriously from now on. The second half of my appointment was spent with different specialists. When you have Cystic Fibrosis, your team comes to you in one central location, as it’s not safe to sit in the different waiting rooms for each specialist. It’s one of the things I love about my doctor that I didn’t get the full benefits of while living in San Antonio. I really do feel like my health will be easier to maintain now that I’m back in Austin. I just have to quit letting my frustration over this illness win out over my will. Which is hard, because I’m very easily frustrated.
I’ve been gone most of the day, but when I pull back up to the apartment, I’m surprised to see Ridge’s car here. He’s been staying at Sydney’s the majority of the week. Today is Friday, and I was supposed to move tomorrow, but it’s been pushed back to Sunday. I’m sure Ridge will be happy to have his own bed again.
Or not. I doubt he’s all that upset about spending so much time at Sydney’s.
When I open the living room door, they’re both on the couch. Ridge is holding a book in front of him, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Sydney is leaning against him, looking at the words on the pages as he reads aloud.
Ridge is reading. Out loud.
I stare at them for a moment. He struggles with a word, and Sydney makes him look at her as she sounds it out for him. She’s helping him pronounce the words out loud. It’s such an intimate moment, I want to be anywhere else when I close the door and gain Sydney’s attention. She looks up and then sits up straight, putting a little distance between herself and Ridge. I notice. So does he, because he stops reading and follows Sydney’s gaze until he sees me.
“Hey.” I smile and set my purse on the bar.
“Hi,” Sydney says. “How was the appointment?”
I shrug. “Overall, it was good. But I spent most of it being scolded.” I grab a water out of the refrigerator and then head toward the bedroom I’m staying in. “I deserved it, though.” I walk to my room and close the door. I fall down onto the bed because it’s the only thing in here. There isn’t even a dresser or a TV or a chair. Just me and a bed and a living room I feel slightly uncomfortable in.
Not because Ridge is in there with Sydney. I honestly don’t mind seeing them together. The only thing that bothers me about it is that seeing them together reminds me of Jake, and I feel a sting of jealousy that it’s not me and Jake cuddled together on a couch somewhere. I feel like Ridge and Sydney fit together in a way that’s similar to how Jake and I fit together. Or could have fit together.
It’s interesting to me, looking back, just how wrong Ridge and I were for each other. And it isn’t at all because anything is necessarily wrong with us as individuals. We just didn’t bring out the best sides of each other. Not like Sydney does with him. I mean, he’s sitting on a couch, reading to her. And he’s doing it because it’s his way of perfecting his speaking voice. That’s not a side of him I ever brought out. Or even encouraged. We’ve had conversations in the past about why he doesn’t verbalize, but he always just shrugged it off and said he didn’t like doing it. I never asked for a deeper explanation than that.
I remember the day I was in the hospital and found all the messages between him and Sydney. I didn’t read them all in that moment because I honestly didn’t want to. I was hurt and a little blindsided. But once I made it home, I read every word. More than once. And the conversation that hurt me the most was when Ridge explained to Sydney where the band Sounds Of Cedar got its name.
The reason it hurt so much is because I realized, in all the years we’d been dating, I’d never once asked Ridge where the band name came from. And because of that, I’d never known exactly how much he’d done for Brennan when they were younger.
There was a lot I read that I once wished I’d never read between the two of them. Between all the iMessages and Facebook messages, I sat there for hours reading. But reading all of it also made something very clear to me: There was so much more to Ridge than I was aware of. There were things he shared with Sydney over a short period of knowing her that he never once shared with me over a six-year stretch. And that wasn’t because Ridge was hiding anything from me about himself or his past, or lying in any way. There were just things about both of us we never dug deep enough to figure out. It occurred to me that maybe we didn’t share those things because they were sacred to us. And you only share the really sacred stuff with the people who reach you on that deep of a level.
I didn’t reach Ridge on the level that Sydney did. And Ridge didn’t reach me.
I ultimately decided to end our relationship because of their connection. Not because they had formed it…but because Ridge and I never had.
People are supposed to bring out the best in each other. I didn’t bring out the best in Ridge. He didn’t bring out the best in me. But seeing Sydney on the couch with him just now, helping him… She brings out the best in him.
I noticed how she pulled away from him a little when she realized I was in the room with them. It bothers me that she felt she needed to do that. I want her to know that their physical affection is not something they should feel obligated to hide on my account. I actually, in a weird way, like seeing how much they like each other. It gives me even more reassurance that I made the right choice by not allowing Ridge to use my illness as a reason to stay with me.
I stand up and make my way back to the living room. The only thing that’s going to alleviate the awkwardness when we’re all in a room together is to force us all to be in a room together even more. Hiding in my bedroom isn’t going to get us anywhere.
Sadly, Ridge is no longer on the couch with Sydney when I walk back into the living room. She’s in the kitchen, rummaging through a cabinet. Ridge is no longer in the room.
I walk to the bar and take a seat, watching Sydney. “What are you guys doing tomorrow?” I ask her.
She spins around and her hand is over her heart. “You scared me.” She laughs and closes the cabinet. “I think we all planned to help you move tomorrow, so the day is open now that you aren’t moving until Sunday.”
“What do you mean we all? Is Warren off tomorrow too?”
She nods. “Bridgette, too. Although I don’t think she was actually going to help with the move.”
I laugh. “I would have been shocked if she did.”
“True. Why are you asking?” Sydney says. “Do you have something in mind?”
I shrug. “Nothing specific. I just thought… I don’t know. Maybe it would be good for all of us if we spent more time together. Now that…well…”
Sydney nods, like she’s been thinking the same thing. “Now that the dynamics have changed and it’s hella awkward?”
“Yep. That.”
Sydney laughs and then leans forward on the counter in thought. “Maybe we could do the cave thing. In Georgetown.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of lunch,” I admit. “I don’t expect you guys to spend your entire Saturday with me.”
“The caves sound really fun, though.”
I tilt my head, watching her for a sign that she’s just saying that to be polite. Sometimes she seems too nice and too accommodating, to the point that it makes me suspicious. But I also get nothing but an authentic vibe from her. Maybe some people just don’t stoop to the same levels of jealousy that others do. As if Sydney can sense the suspicion in my expression, she continues speaking.
