Mess Me Up
Page 11
“When is Uncle Tyler coming back?” he asked, sounding sleepy.
He had just woken up from a two-hour nap, and it was only eleven o’clock. He shouldn’t be that tired yet.
This was all just so fucking unfair!
“He’s going to try to come back after work, but he caught a case this morning. Do you know what happened?” I asked, trying to find something to distract him from falling asleep.
I wanted him to talk to me for hours. I wanted every single second with him that I could get.
But one look at his drooping eyes, I knew that wasn’t going to happen this time. He was just too tired.
I walked over to where he was laying on the couch and lifted him up in my arms.
Once he was settled in deep, he sighed and moved to lay his little bald head on my chest, tucked underneath my chin.
“Daddy, do you think dragons are real?” he asked, sounding wistful.
I pressed my lips to his smooth scalp. “I think that if they’re real, they’re very, very good at hiding so I don’t think we’ll ever know if they’re real or not.”
He let out a breath of sound that was close to a laugh. “You’re right. I think they’re real, though. How else would anybody have any idea what they might look like?”
This kid never failed to astound me with his insight.
How had he gotten so smart? I know that he didn’t get it from his mother or me. Granted, both of us were smart…but the kind of intelligence that Matias had was something of genius levels.
And I knew neither Tara nor I had that.
At least not from what I was aware of.
There were times that I wondered if Tara even realized that she was an adult, so I doubt she registered high on the IQ scale.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, Ty-Ty?” I slumped down farther into the couch, feeling my own eyes get heavy.
“Do you think that it’ll hurt?”
I knew what he was talking about, and I felt yet another freakin’ lump lodge in my throat.
“No, buddy,” I answered immediately. “I called your doctor today. He has someone calling me today to discuss how we can manage your pain over the next few weeks.”
Few weeks.
God.
It was hard to think about the fact that my son would no longer be here in just a few weeks.
My entire life had revolved around him for so long that I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to function without him.
No more doctor appointments or grocery store runs. No more Hiccup or dragons in general. No late-night discussions on the phone about who I thought was the best superhero and why. No more waking up to find that he’d wet his bed or puked on his sheets.
“Good,” he said softly. “That way you won’t hurt if I hurt.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, willing my tears not to fall.
The fact that he cared more about me than he did himself fucking sucked.
I hated that he loved me sometimes. It’d be easier if we’d never met.
This pain in my chest wouldn’t feel like my entire world was ripping apart piece by piece.
Then again, if I didn’t have my son, I wouldn’t have had four years of his smiles, hugs and little boy giggles. I wouldn’t have watched him learn how to army crawl or seen him take his first steps. I wouldn’t have held his trusting body while he slept for hours and hours on end. I wouldn’t have fed him peas and carrots that he’d just spit all over my shirt.
I wouldn’t have learned how to live.
And that, in itself, would’ve been the biggest tragedy of my life.
“I love you, buddy,” I said suddenly. “You know that, don’t you?”
He made a tired sound of agreement. “Duh. I’ve known that since forever.”
The rumble in my chest sounded like laughter, but only I knew that it was my body’s attempt to hold the screams of denial at bay.
I wanted to know why him? I wanted to know why God had decided to take my son. I wanted to know why…so many fucking whys.
“I want you to tell Mommy that I’m not mad at her, and I don’t blame her for being scared,” Matias whispered.
I felt a tear slip out past my clenched eyelids.
“And don’t be too hard on her. There’s more than you can see,” he continued.
His little hand clenched onto my shirt, and he sighed. “And don’t push Izzy away. She needs you as much as you need her.”
Then he was asleep.
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I’d fallen asleep, too.
When I woke up, it was to find my phone ringing.
I shifted, feeling my son’s limp body shift with me, and only then realized that he was no longer the little ball of heat he’d been when he fell asleep. Now he was like a ball of ice.
My eyes startled open, and I felt panic hit my chest.
I looked over to find Izzy sleeping next to me, her head laying on my thigh.
My son’s foot was pressed against her forehead…and it was blue.
My phone rang again, and Izzy opened her eyes.
When she saw Ty-Ty’s blue foot, she gasped and got up onto the couch on her knees, a stricken look taking over her face in a matter of moments.
Our eyes met, and that was when I knew that my baby didn’t need palliative care at all.
Because he’d passed in my arms while I was asleep, and I didn’t even know it.
Still, she scooted forward until she could press two fingers to his throat, her eyes staying locked with mine.
And I knew then that she didn’t feel a pulse.
I felt my heart drop somewhere between my knees.
“You’re…you’re sure?” I asked.
“I’m sure.”
That was when Romero Pierce, father of Matias Pierce, ceased to exist, too.
In his place was a shell of a man that would never be the same.
Chapter 7
I don’t care what your religion is. Just use your goddamn turn signal.
-Izzy’s secret thoughts
Izzy
Planning a funeral was hard.
Planning a child’s funeral was even harder.
I wasn’t sure how I ended up being the liaison between the funeral home and Rome, but the man was in no shape to plan something like this.
At first, he’d said he didn’t want one at all.
After convincing him that he did, indeed, want one, he was just too devastated to plan it, so I’d taken over.
“What color casket do you want?” the funeral home director asked.
The funeral home director, a beautiful blonde with long, curly hair that hung down to nearly her waist even when it was bound in a ponytail. She was not at all what I’d expected in a funeral director, but she sure knew her stuff.
I looked at all the options.
“If money is an issue.” I held up my hand before she could finish.
“It’s not an issue,” I shook my head. “I’m just trying to remember what his favorite color is…was.” I paused. “Can we have a custom casket made?”
She nodded. “With children, that happens a lot more than you’d think. They’re decorated with their favorite animals…movie characters. That sort of thing.”
I looked at my phone, and then called Tyler, Rome’s best friend who’d been staying with him since last night.
“Hello?” Tyler answered quickly.
“Uh, hey,” I said softly. “The director just asked me what color casket I wanted. I know from looking at him that his favorite color was red, but could you do me a favor and put me on with the big guy? I think that his name was…Ezekiel?”
Moments later, a rumbly voice came on the line.
Last night, I’d watched as Ezekiel had drawn Matias a picture of Toothless and Hiccup, and I saw the huge smile on Ty-Ty’s face as he’d accepted it. Then asked if he could hang it up on the living room wall.
Rome hadn’t missed a beat and had gone and dismantled an old photo of what looked like an older couple, and immediately replaced it with the drawing.
It’d been on lined notebook paper, but neither Rome or Matias cared.
“Hello?”
I startled. “Oh, sorry. Umm, I was wondering…those bikes that you were talking about painting last night…do you think you could do it to a coffin, too?”
He had just woken up from a two-hour nap, and it was only eleven o’clock. He shouldn’t be that tired yet.
This was all just so fucking unfair!
“He’s going to try to come back after work, but he caught a case this morning. Do you know what happened?” I asked, trying to find something to distract him from falling asleep.
I wanted him to talk to me for hours. I wanted every single second with him that I could get.
But one look at his drooping eyes, I knew that wasn’t going to happen this time. He was just too tired.
I walked over to where he was laying on the couch and lifted him up in my arms.
Once he was settled in deep, he sighed and moved to lay his little bald head on my chest, tucked underneath my chin.
“Daddy, do you think dragons are real?” he asked, sounding wistful.
I pressed my lips to his smooth scalp. “I think that if they’re real, they’re very, very good at hiding so I don’t think we’ll ever know if they’re real or not.”
He let out a breath of sound that was close to a laugh. “You’re right. I think they’re real, though. How else would anybody have any idea what they might look like?”
This kid never failed to astound me with his insight.
How had he gotten so smart? I know that he didn’t get it from his mother or me. Granted, both of us were smart…but the kind of intelligence that Matias had was something of genius levels.
And I knew neither Tara nor I had that.
At least not from what I was aware of.
There were times that I wondered if Tara even realized that she was an adult, so I doubt she registered high on the IQ scale.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, Ty-Ty?” I slumped down farther into the couch, feeling my own eyes get heavy.
“Do you think that it’ll hurt?”
I knew what he was talking about, and I felt yet another freakin’ lump lodge in my throat.
“No, buddy,” I answered immediately. “I called your doctor today. He has someone calling me today to discuss how we can manage your pain over the next few weeks.”
Few weeks.
God.
It was hard to think about the fact that my son would no longer be here in just a few weeks.
My entire life had revolved around him for so long that I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to function without him.
No more doctor appointments or grocery store runs. No more Hiccup or dragons in general. No late-night discussions on the phone about who I thought was the best superhero and why. No more waking up to find that he’d wet his bed or puked on his sheets.
“Good,” he said softly. “That way you won’t hurt if I hurt.”
I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, willing my tears not to fall.
The fact that he cared more about me than he did himself fucking sucked.
I hated that he loved me sometimes. It’d be easier if we’d never met.
This pain in my chest wouldn’t feel like my entire world was ripping apart piece by piece.
Then again, if I didn’t have my son, I wouldn’t have had four years of his smiles, hugs and little boy giggles. I wouldn’t have watched him learn how to army crawl or seen him take his first steps. I wouldn’t have held his trusting body while he slept for hours and hours on end. I wouldn’t have fed him peas and carrots that he’d just spit all over my shirt.
I wouldn’t have learned how to live.
And that, in itself, would’ve been the biggest tragedy of my life.
“I love you, buddy,” I said suddenly. “You know that, don’t you?”
He made a tired sound of agreement. “Duh. I’ve known that since forever.”
The rumble in my chest sounded like laughter, but only I knew that it was my body’s attempt to hold the screams of denial at bay.
I wanted to know why him? I wanted to know why God had decided to take my son. I wanted to know why…so many fucking whys.
“I want you to tell Mommy that I’m not mad at her, and I don’t blame her for being scared,” Matias whispered.
I felt a tear slip out past my clenched eyelids.
“And don’t be too hard on her. There’s more than you can see,” he continued.
His little hand clenched onto my shirt, and he sighed. “And don’t push Izzy away. She needs you as much as you need her.”
Then he was asleep.
I don’t know when it happened, but at some point, I’d fallen asleep, too.
When I woke up, it was to find my phone ringing.
I shifted, feeling my son’s limp body shift with me, and only then realized that he was no longer the little ball of heat he’d been when he fell asleep. Now he was like a ball of ice.
My eyes startled open, and I felt panic hit my chest.
I looked over to find Izzy sleeping next to me, her head laying on my thigh.
My son’s foot was pressed against her forehead…and it was blue.
My phone rang again, and Izzy opened her eyes.
When she saw Ty-Ty’s blue foot, she gasped and got up onto the couch on her knees, a stricken look taking over her face in a matter of moments.
Our eyes met, and that was when I knew that my baby didn’t need palliative care at all.
Because he’d passed in my arms while I was asleep, and I didn’t even know it.
Still, she scooted forward until she could press two fingers to his throat, her eyes staying locked with mine.
And I knew then that she didn’t feel a pulse.
I felt my heart drop somewhere between my knees.
“You’re…you’re sure?” I asked.
“I’m sure.”
That was when Romero Pierce, father of Matias Pierce, ceased to exist, too.
In his place was a shell of a man that would never be the same.
Chapter 7
I don’t care what your religion is. Just use your goddamn turn signal.
-Izzy’s secret thoughts
Izzy
Planning a funeral was hard.
Planning a child’s funeral was even harder.
I wasn’t sure how I ended up being the liaison between the funeral home and Rome, but the man was in no shape to plan something like this.
At first, he’d said he didn’t want one at all.
After convincing him that he did, indeed, want one, he was just too devastated to plan it, so I’d taken over.
“What color casket do you want?” the funeral home director asked.
The funeral home director, a beautiful blonde with long, curly hair that hung down to nearly her waist even when it was bound in a ponytail. She was not at all what I’d expected in a funeral director, but she sure knew her stuff.
I looked at all the options.
“If money is an issue.” I held up my hand before she could finish.
“It’s not an issue,” I shook my head. “I’m just trying to remember what his favorite color is…was.” I paused. “Can we have a custom casket made?”
She nodded. “With children, that happens a lot more than you’d think. They’re decorated with their favorite animals…movie characters. That sort of thing.”
I looked at my phone, and then called Tyler, Rome’s best friend who’d been staying with him since last night.
“Hello?” Tyler answered quickly.
“Uh, hey,” I said softly. “The director just asked me what color casket I wanted. I know from looking at him that his favorite color was red, but could you do me a favor and put me on with the big guy? I think that his name was…Ezekiel?”
Moments later, a rumbly voice came on the line.
Last night, I’d watched as Ezekiel had drawn Matias a picture of Toothless and Hiccup, and I saw the huge smile on Ty-Ty’s face as he’d accepted it. Then asked if he could hang it up on the living room wall.
Rome hadn’t missed a beat and had gone and dismantled an old photo of what looked like an older couple, and immediately replaced it with the drawing.
It’d been on lined notebook paper, but neither Rome or Matias cared.
“Hello?”
I startled. “Oh, sorry. Umm, I was wondering…those bikes that you were talking about painting last night…do you think you could do it to a coffin, too?”
