Midnight Jewel
Page 104
“Thank you,” I said softly. “Thank you for helping me realize that this has never been my path, that I have to find a new one and stop repeating the past.”
His eyebrows knit in confusion. “You’re not making any sense.”
“I want to make the world safe. I want to protect others. But not this way. Not by picking and choosing rules. Not by making a profit on the side. I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I really am finished here. And I don’t plan on ever seeing you again.”
I could tell Tom didn’t quite know how to react. He was used to being admired and fawned over. He didn’t get dismissed. “You’re making a mistake! What we do here is bigger than you realize. You have the chance to be part of something great. Others would kill for the chance I’m offering you.”
“Then let them. I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear you’ve got an opening.”
Tom thrust the coins into my hand and jerked the door open. “Go,” he said, pointing. “Enjoy your money. You earned it. I’m glad your high morals don’t interfere with you reaping the rewards of ‘picking and choosing rules.’”
His words and smug expression felt like a slap to the face. I stared down at the coins. Fifty gold. The rest of Lonzo’s bond. But it was fifty gold stolen from someone else’s pocket. Fifty gold that nearly cost a ship full of sailors their lives. And what kind of men was that dangerous cargo being sold to?
Lonzo, forgive me. But I know you wouldn’t want it this way.
I turned my hands and let the coins clatter to the floor.
“Farewell, Tom.”
I left the Dancing Bull with my head held high, keeping my expression imperious and detached. Inside, I still couldn’t believe I’d let the money go when Lonzo was still tied to a dangerous job. Did it really matter how he got the money? Yes. Yes, it did. I had any number of other ways to get the rest. Rupert. Grant. After all, I was a girl who made her own options when no others were there.
I went back to Grant the next night. And the night after that. And the night after that. The only night I didn’t go to him was when he had a patrol, and I was surprised at how keenly I missed . . . what? What was it I missed? What we did in bed? Or did I maybe just miss him?
Cornelius Chambers invited me to tea that afternoon, and I endured his and Lavinia’s not-so-subtle suggestions about how my contract would be coming due soon and how amazing their southern beach house was. Rupert listened with amusement and told me as I was departing, “Don’t let them bully you, my dear. Fight until the end.”
I held those words in my heart on the ride back home. They emboldened me—at least until dinner at Wisteria Hollow, when Jasper casually said to Charles, “Good news at last. I received a message from Warren Doyle today. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price.”
The fork dropped out of my hand and hit the plate with a clang. Everyone turned and stared. “I . . . excuse me.” I shoved my chair back and jumped to my feet. “I don’t feel well.”
I hurried upstairs and covered my mouth to keep from screaming. I wanted to go back downstairs and rip Jasper Thorn apart, just as my heart had been. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price. There was no price in this world that could make up for her loss! But why should I be surprised Jasper wouldn’t see it that way? He hadn’t even been willing to lend Cedric any money to marry Adelaide. Why should one girl matter more than his own son?
The next night, I nearly ran to Grant’s. He hardly got a greeting out when I entered. I pushed him onto the bed and surprised myself with the feverish way I went after him. I couldn’t get enough of him. I couldn’t touch him enough. I couldn’t get close enough. Later, as we lay together in stillness, he said in that dry way of his: “So. That’s what happens when we take a night off.”
I didn’t know how to explain how I felt, that Jasper’s words and those empty beds had driven home how alone I was. That Lonzo was far away. Grant was all I had left, and the thought of losing him terrified me. But I would. One way or another, it was going to happen. He’d leave, I’d leave. I didn’t know. Because although we often talked about all sorts of other topics in bed, our future—if there even was one—never came up. Even the far-fetched idea of going north together had been voiced cautiously. And it had never been mentioned again.
My face must have betrayed all the emotion churning inside me. I saw it startle him. I saw it scare him. He didn’t mind unbound passion in bed, but he was still skittish at the thought of anyone caring about him too much.
I braced myself, ready for him to close himself off or even get up. Instead, he ran his fingers through the long strands of my hair and asked, “Why me?” It almost sounded like one of those world-weary “Why me?” exclamations people make when they’re burdened with woes. “Maybe you didn’t know any better the first time. Maybe not even the second, but you should by now. You could have your pick of other men. Nicer men. Less complicated men.”
He spoke as he often did: light and flippant. But the hand that touched me trembled. I reached out and put my own over it as I studied him. Flyaway black hair. Scars. Square jaw. Questionable shaving. I thought about his brusqueness and biting humor. His courage in the face of danger. The loyalty he swore he didn’t have.
“Because I wanted something simple. Instead I got you.” I tightened my hold on his hand. “And it turns out, that was what I needed.”
He shook his head. I could sense his guard coming up, but I didn’t regret my words. “Mirabel—”
A rap at the door caused him to jerk away. He leapt off the bed and managed to tug on his pants as he hurried toward the other room. “Stay here,” he warned. He shut the bedroom door, but it didn’t catch. I scrambled out of bed and pulled on my chemise, peering out through the small gap between door and wall. Grant picked up his gun and went to the front door, asking who was there. He’d grown even more cautious since we’d become lovers. I think he expected Jasper or Cornelius to show up one day.
His eyebrows knit in confusion. “You’re not making any sense.”
“I want to make the world safe. I want to protect others. But not this way. Not by picking and choosing rules. Not by making a profit on the side. I appreciate what you’ve done for me, but I really am finished here. And I don’t plan on ever seeing you again.”
I could tell Tom didn’t quite know how to react. He was used to being admired and fawned over. He didn’t get dismissed. “You’re making a mistake! What we do here is bigger than you realize. You have the chance to be part of something great. Others would kill for the chance I’m offering you.”
“Then let them. I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear you’ve got an opening.”
Tom thrust the coins into my hand and jerked the door open. “Go,” he said, pointing. “Enjoy your money. You earned it. I’m glad your high morals don’t interfere with you reaping the rewards of ‘picking and choosing rules.’”
His words and smug expression felt like a slap to the face. I stared down at the coins. Fifty gold. The rest of Lonzo’s bond. But it was fifty gold stolen from someone else’s pocket. Fifty gold that nearly cost a ship full of sailors their lives. And what kind of men was that dangerous cargo being sold to?
Lonzo, forgive me. But I know you wouldn’t want it this way.
I turned my hands and let the coins clatter to the floor.
“Farewell, Tom.”
I left the Dancing Bull with my head held high, keeping my expression imperious and detached. Inside, I still couldn’t believe I’d let the money go when Lonzo was still tied to a dangerous job. Did it really matter how he got the money? Yes. Yes, it did. I had any number of other ways to get the rest. Rupert. Grant. After all, I was a girl who made her own options when no others were there.
I went back to Grant the next night. And the night after that. And the night after that. The only night I didn’t go to him was when he had a patrol, and I was surprised at how keenly I missed . . . what? What was it I missed? What we did in bed? Or did I maybe just miss him?
Cornelius Chambers invited me to tea that afternoon, and I endured his and Lavinia’s not-so-subtle suggestions about how my contract would be coming due soon and how amazing their southern beach house was. Rupert listened with amusement and told me as I was departing, “Don’t let them bully you, my dear. Fight until the end.”
I held those words in my heart on the ride back home. They emboldened me—at least until dinner at Wisteria Hollow, when Jasper casually said to Charles, “Good news at last. I received a message from Warren Doyle today. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price.”
The fork dropped out of my hand and hit the plate with a clang. Everyone turned and stared. “I . . . excuse me.” I shoved my chair back and jumped to my feet. “I don’t feel well.”
I hurried upstairs and covered my mouth to keep from screaming. I wanted to go back downstairs and rip Jasper Thorn apart, just as my heart had been. He feels terrible about the incident and has offered to make up the loss to us by paying Tamsin’s marriage price. There was no price in this world that could make up for her loss! But why should I be surprised Jasper wouldn’t see it that way? He hadn’t even been willing to lend Cedric any money to marry Adelaide. Why should one girl matter more than his own son?
The next night, I nearly ran to Grant’s. He hardly got a greeting out when I entered. I pushed him onto the bed and surprised myself with the feverish way I went after him. I couldn’t get enough of him. I couldn’t touch him enough. I couldn’t get close enough. Later, as we lay together in stillness, he said in that dry way of his: “So. That’s what happens when we take a night off.”
I didn’t know how to explain how I felt, that Jasper’s words and those empty beds had driven home how alone I was. That Lonzo was far away. Grant was all I had left, and the thought of losing him terrified me. But I would. One way or another, it was going to happen. He’d leave, I’d leave. I didn’t know. Because although we often talked about all sorts of other topics in bed, our future—if there even was one—never came up. Even the far-fetched idea of going north together had been voiced cautiously. And it had never been mentioned again.
My face must have betrayed all the emotion churning inside me. I saw it startle him. I saw it scare him. He didn’t mind unbound passion in bed, but he was still skittish at the thought of anyone caring about him too much.
I braced myself, ready for him to close himself off or even get up. Instead, he ran his fingers through the long strands of my hair and asked, “Why me?” It almost sounded like one of those world-weary “Why me?” exclamations people make when they’re burdened with woes. “Maybe you didn’t know any better the first time. Maybe not even the second, but you should by now. You could have your pick of other men. Nicer men. Less complicated men.”
He spoke as he often did: light and flippant. But the hand that touched me trembled. I reached out and put my own over it as I studied him. Flyaway black hair. Scars. Square jaw. Questionable shaving. I thought about his brusqueness and biting humor. His courage in the face of danger. The loyalty he swore he didn’t have.
“Because I wanted something simple. Instead I got you.” I tightened my hold on his hand. “And it turns out, that was what I needed.”
He shook his head. I could sense his guard coming up, but I didn’t regret my words. “Mirabel—”
A rap at the door caused him to jerk away. He leapt off the bed and managed to tug on his pants as he hurried toward the other room. “Stay here,” he warned. He shut the bedroom door, but it didn’t catch. I scrambled out of bed and pulled on my chemise, peering out through the small gap between door and wall. Grant picked up his gun and went to the front door, asking who was there. He’d grown even more cautious since we’d become lovers. I think he expected Jasper or Cornelius to show up one day.
