More Than Forever
Page 68
I nod, even though it's a lie and he knows it.
"I know it's not fair, but Lachlan's out there. He's freaking out."
I squeeze my eyes shut and take slow breaths, trying to settle my emotions. "I'm fine," I tell him.
He opens the cupboard under the sink and pulls out a box of Band-Aids. He takes my hand in his and examines the cuts I didn't know were there. "You wanna talk about what happened?" he asks, applying the first Band-Aid.
"I can't do it, Lucas. I don't think I can be with him—not when I know how badly he wants kids."
His eyes move to the sketch, now stained with my blood.
"You think maybe that's his choice, not yours?"
"You know Cameron," I mutter. "You know he's always going to stand by me, even when he shouldn't. He won't leave. I have to make him. I have to make him hate me so he gets what he deserves. It's wrong. But it's right."
He shakes his head, applying the third and final Band-Aid. "I don't agree with you, Luce. But it's your life." His eyes move to the living room. "You should shower, get cleaned up and changed. Come out when you're ready. The boys are here to see you. They're worried."
"Did you tell them?"
"No. You asked me not to and I haven't. But one day you'll have to. You can't hide forever."
*
I get out of the shower and stand naked in front of the full-length mirror, focusing on the fresh scar that runs under my belly button. The eternal, ugly reminder of what my forever can't be.
I close my eyes, remembering all the times Cam stood behind me, right here, with his arms around my now damaged waist. My eyes prick with bitter tears. 'You're so beautiful,' he'd say in my ear. 'I'm so damn lucky, Luce. And I'll never forget it.'
I push back the sob threatening to escape. He's not lucky. Not at all. Not anymore.
Running a hand down my pajamas, I fake a smile into the mirror, and carry it all the way to the living room.
And then I let out a loud gasp.
I cry.
And I laugh.
"Story time, Goose," Lucas says.
Somehow, they've created a makeshift tent using the dining table and the couches as walls, and used bed sheets to cover it.
"It's not as easy as it used to be. I think we've all grown since we did this last. Well, everyone but you," he jokes.
Lachlan's laugh warms my heart. So innocent. So clueless to what's happening. "You're short," he announces. "I'm calling you shaaawty!"
Leo laughs with him. "That means she's your girl, Lachy. You don't want your sister to be your girl."
He makes a disgusted face as we all try to squeeze into the tiny space. "I got a girl," he shouts. "I spit in her hair and asked her to kiss me."
Little Logan roars with laughter. "If that worked, you are my hero."
Lachlan's eyes go huge while he nods enthusiastically. "Totally worked," he says. "The next day I did it to Michele! Now I got two girls... and all they do is bug me!"
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
-LUCY- It's been weeks since I last saw Cameron. He hasn't called. I haven't called him. But I miss him. So much.
I moved back to the main house after the tent party—that's what we called it. Lucas and I waited for the others to fall asleep in there before sitting out on the porch steps and having a beer. Well, he did. I can't drink because of the painkillers.
We promised each other to try to do it once a month. He's only home another year before he goes to college, if he goes to college. He says he still doesn't know. He's considering staying home, working with Dad. He said that Dad's face lit up when he told him and that Dad had a meeting with his business manager to see if he could get the company name changed to Preston and Sons. Lucas didn't say it, but I knew that made him happy.
Living in the house helps. There's always something to do, someone to talk to, something to smile or laugh about.
But unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, none of those things are Cameron.
The boys spend a lot of the days by the lake. I haven't been there yet; too many memories. Lachlan and I have gotten to know each other better. It's a little sad that I've missed out on him growing up the last two years. He's such an amazing kid, so full of life, not a care in the world. He's tried to get me to play in Filmore with him, but I can't bring myself to go near it. I don't think my heart could take it. It's always going to be the reminder of the first time Cameron told me he loved me, even though I think we both knew it well before then.
"You ready?" Dad asks with Lachlan latched on his back.
I fake another smile. "Yeah."
*
We go to lunch at an indoor play center for Lachlan's sixth birthday. Even though it's not really a party, we hired out a party room to accommodate everyone. "This is my favorite place in the whole wide world," Lachlan shouts. "Apart from Filmore. I love Filmore the bestest. Dad's going to build a teleporter in there for me so I can build ice cream machines and teleport them to all the houses everywhere."
"That sounds amazing," I tell him.
His head whips to the door. "CAM!"
My eyes follow his. "Hey, buddy," Cam says, but his gaze is focused on me. I don't blink. I don't move. I don't even breathe. I can't. Because if I do, I know that I'll end up in his arms, giving him a hope that doesn't exist. It's wrong for me to want that, but it feels even more wrong for me to miss him.
"You came!" Lachlan yells, then looks to Dad. "Thank you!"
And my heart tightens.
Cam smiles, and then bends over so he's eye to eye with Lachlan. "Happy birthday!" He scruffs Lachlan's hair. "You're getting old. I think I see some grays in there."
Lachlan laughs and swats his hand away.
"Lucy?" Leo asks from opposite me. "Is it okay if I say hi to Cam?"
My eyes drift shut, letting the ache of my broken heart consume me. I swallow the knot in my throat and try not to make my feelings evident when I open my eyes to see him watching me, unsure of my reaction. "Of course you can." I look at the rest of the boys. They're on the edge of their seats, just as excited to see him as Lachlan is, but they're hesitant, like they think it's wrong to want him here. "You guys," my voice breaks. "It's okay to be excited to see him. Go."
So they do.
One by one they high-five, fist bump, shake hands, whatever it is boys do. And Cam—he takes his time with each of them, knowing the right questions to ask. He always did. He always knew what was going on in their lives. What each of them was into. He always paid special attention, always made them feel like individuals.
"Don't be mad, baby girl," Dad says. "I asked Lachlan what he wanted for his birthday and he said Cameron."
"I'm not mad," I tell him honestly.
Lachlan sits next to me, pulling on Cameron's hand until he's seated on the other side.
Our eyes lock for what feels like forever.
"Hey," he finally says.
I try to smile. "Hey."
The waitress comes to take orders. Apparently she knows Lucas, because her eyes go wide and she freezes mid-stride when she sees him. She takes the orders, and as soon as she's gone the room erupts with 'ooooooohhs'. Lucas just shakes his head, his cheeks burning red with embarrassment.
"I know it's not fair, but Lachlan's out there. He's freaking out."
I squeeze my eyes shut and take slow breaths, trying to settle my emotions. "I'm fine," I tell him.
He opens the cupboard under the sink and pulls out a box of Band-Aids. He takes my hand in his and examines the cuts I didn't know were there. "You wanna talk about what happened?" he asks, applying the first Band-Aid.
"I can't do it, Lucas. I don't think I can be with him—not when I know how badly he wants kids."
His eyes move to the sketch, now stained with my blood.
"You think maybe that's his choice, not yours?"
"You know Cameron," I mutter. "You know he's always going to stand by me, even when he shouldn't. He won't leave. I have to make him. I have to make him hate me so he gets what he deserves. It's wrong. But it's right."
He shakes his head, applying the third and final Band-Aid. "I don't agree with you, Luce. But it's your life." His eyes move to the living room. "You should shower, get cleaned up and changed. Come out when you're ready. The boys are here to see you. They're worried."
"Did you tell them?"
"No. You asked me not to and I haven't. But one day you'll have to. You can't hide forever."
*
I get out of the shower and stand naked in front of the full-length mirror, focusing on the fresh scar that runs under my belly button. The eternal, ugly reminder of what my forever can't be.
I close my eyes, remembering all the times Cam stood behind me, right here, with his arms around my now damaged waist. My eyes prick with bitter tears. 'You're so beautiful,' he'd say in my ear. 'I'm so damn lucky, Luce. And I'll never forget it.'
I push back the sob threatening to escape. He's not lucky. Not at all. Not anymore.
Running a hand down my pajamas, I fake a smile into the mirror, and carry it all the way to the living room.
And then I let out a loud gasp.
I cry.
And I laugh.
"Story time, Goose," Lucas says.
Somehow, they've created a makeshift tent using the dining table and the couches as walls, and used bed sheets to cover it.
"It's not as easy as it used to be. I think we've all grown since we did this last. Well, everyone but you," he jokes.
Lachlan's laugh warms my heart. So innocent. So clueless to what's happening. "You're short," he announces. "I'm calling you shaaawty!"
Leo laughs with him. "That means she's your girl, Lachy. You don't want your sister to be your girl."
He makes a disgusted face as we all try to squeeze into the tiny space. "I got a girl," he shouts. "I spit in her hair and asked her to kiss me."
Little Logan roars with laughter. "If that worked, you are my hero."
Lachlan's eyes go huge while he nods enthusiastically. "Totally worked," he says. "The next day I did it to Michele! Now I got two girls... and all they do is bug me!"
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
-LUCY- It's been weeks since I last saw Cameron. He hasn't called. I haven't called him. But I miss him. So much.
I moved back to the main house after the tent party—that's what we called it. Lucas and I waited for the others to fall asleep in there before sitting out on the porch steps and having a beer. Well, he did. I can't drink because of the painkillers.
We promised each other to try to do it once a month. He's only home another year before he goes to college, if he goes to college. He says he still doesn't know. He's considering staying home, working with Dad. He said that Dad's face lit up when he told him and that Dad had a meeting with his business manager to see if he could get the company name changed to Preston and Sons. Lucas didn't say it, but I knew that made him happy.
Living in the house helps. There's always something to do, someone to talk to, something to smile or laugh about.
But unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, none of those things are Cameron.
The boys spend a lot of the days by the lake. I haven't been there yet; too many memories. Lachlan and I have gotten to know each other better. It's a little sad that I've missed out on him growing up the last two years. He's such an amazing kid, so full of life, not a care in the world. He's tried to get me to play in Filmore with him, but I can't bring myself to go near it. I don't think my heart could take it. It's always going to be the reminder of the first time Cameron told me he loved me, even though I think we both knew it well before then.
"You ready?" Dad asks with Lachlan latched on his back.
I fake another smile. "Yeah."
*
We go to lunch at an indoor play center for Lachlan's sixth birthday. Even though it's not really a party, we hired out a party room to accommodate everyone. "This is my favorite place in the whole wide world," Lachlan shouts. "Apart from Filmore. I love Filmore the bestest. Dad's going to build a teleporter in there for me so I can build ice cream machines and teleport them to all the houses everywhere."
"That sounds amazing," I tell him.
His head whips to the door. "CAM!"
My eyes follow his. "Hey, buddy," Cam says, but his gaze is focused on me. I don't blink. I don't move. I don't even breathe. I can't. Because if I do, I know that I'll end up in his arms, giving him a hope that doesn't exist. It's wrong for me to want that, but it feels even more wrong for me to miss him.
"You came!" Lachlan yells, then looks to Dad. "Thank you!"
And my heart tightens.
Cam smiles, and then bends over so he's eye to eye with Lachlan. "Happy birthday!" He scruffs Lachlan's hair. "You're getting old. I think I see some grays in there."
Lachlan laughs and swats his hand away.
"Lucy?" Leo asks from opposite me. "Is it okay if I say hi to Cam?"
My eyes drift shut, letting the ache of my broken heart consume me. I swallow the knot in my throat and try not to make my feelings evident when I open my eyes to see him watching me, unsure of my reaction. "Of course you can." I look at the rest of the boys. They're on the edge of their seats, just as excited to see him as Lachlan is, but they're hesitant, like they think it's wrong to want him here. "You guys," my voice breaks. "It's okay to be excited to see him. Go."
So they do.
One by one they high-five, fist bump, shake hands, whatever it is boys do. And Cam—he takes his time with each of them, knowing the right questions to ask. He always did. He always knew what was going on in their lives. What each of them was into. He always paid special attention, always made them feel like individuals.
"Don't be mad, baby girl," Dad says. "I asked Lachlan what he wanted for his birthday and he said Cameron."
"I'm not mad," I tell him honestly.
Lachlan sits next to me, pulling on Cameron's hand until he's seated on the other side.
Our eyes lock for what feels like forever.
"Hey," he finally says.
I try to smile. "Hey."
The waitress comes to take orders. Apparently she knows Lucas, because her eyes go wide and she freezes mid-stride when she sees him. She takes the orders, and as soon as she's gone the room erupts with 'ooooooohhs'. Lucas just shakes his head, his cheeks burning red with embarrassment.
