More Than Him
Page 48
I walked backwards towards the house, my eyes never leaving them. They stood, toe to toe, neither moving, neither talking.
Alexis closed the front door once we were inside. "It's okay," she assured me. "They're just gonna talk."
Logan
As soon as the door shut, his fist was in my stomach. I was expecting something, but not that. It made me fall to my knees. "You can't just fucking come back and pretend like everything's fine!" He kicked the same place he'd just punched. My body fell forward, but my arms held me up.
"Get up," he yelled. "Take it like a man."
I used my truck to get back to my feet. The pain in my body was nowhere near the pain in my heart. I knew Ethan. I knew him as the cocky asshole that never took anything too seriously. But this—this was not Ethan. At least, not the one from a year ago.
"Oh wait," he mocked. "I forgot. You don't do things like a man." He punched me again. My face this time. My head flung to the side, but I took it. I'd take anything he gave me. I deserved it all.
"Your girlfriend almost got raped and you bailed, right? That's your thing. You just fuck off?" Another punch. They were getting weaker. I'd be able to take a few more before my body failed me. "You fucking left. It was me that was there for her. I had to listen to her nightmares, her screams at night." I lifted my head to face him. I didn't know she’d had nightmares. "Oh." He nodded slowly as understanding dawned. "Of course she wouldn't tell you about that. Poor you, right? We better protect your fucking feelings." I let his words sink in as I took in his state. His knuckles were bleeding, or maybe it was my blood. Who the fuck knows? His shoulders lifted with his heavy breaths, but he could barely get a lungful before he hit me again. Another gut shot. Weaker again.
I let the pain consume me. I needed to feel it. I deserved to feel it.
"You've got nothing to say to me?" Another punch to the face. The blows hurt less, but the pain was constant. "Did she tell you she couldn't be home alone? Or that she slept with the light on? I bet she didn't fucking tell you any of that shit!" I tried to swallow the knot in my throat. She didn't tell me, but I’d never asked. I should have asked. He pushed against my chest, too weak to do anything else.
Thunder clapped and rain poured down.
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe she had every reason to be afraid of it. I couldn't just turn her nightmares into dreams, not when I didn't know they existed.
He fisted my shirt in his hand, the rain soaking us both. He got right in my face.
I waited.
Then I heard her voice.
"Stop," she yelled.
I lifted my chin.
"Stop it!" she yelled again.
My head pounded, the beating finally catching up. I tried to square my shoulders.
Ethan's voice was quieter now, intended just for me. "Do you know what it was like to walk in and see some guy on top of her like that? I got him off just in time, but she'd blacked out." His voice broke. He could've been crying, but the rain hid it. "She blacked out, and I thought she was fucking dead. I thought she'd died, Logan. I thought I'd fucking lost her."
I shut my eyes tight. The mental image of that night came back to me. I'd locked it away—with the rest of my nightmares. And now it was here. His body on top of her, holding her arm. Her scream as he pushed it against the floor, breaking it. Me, pathetically crawling to get to her. Her tears flowing. Her body slack. She'd given up.
And then darkness.
"Do you know what that was like for me?" Ethan yelled again.
And then it happened.
The walls I'd built to block out that night, the heartache, and the turmoil—it all came crashing down around me. I pushed him away. "How the fuck do you think I feel?" I shouted back. I pushed him again, my emotions taking control. "I was right fucking there and I couldn't stop it."
I heard her say my name but I ignored it. "I couldn't do a fucking thing to stop any of it. It's my fault they were there! It's my fault they hurt her! You don't think I fucking know that?"
"Stop," she yelled again.
I kept my eyes on Ethan. "You don't think I have to live with that guilt every day? Ethan, I was right there! It was on me. I couldn't fucking save her!" I was crying, sobbing like a fucking baby.
"Fuck you," he yelled, pushing against me again.
"I couldn't fucking save her," I repeated. "I fucking hate myself for what I let those assholes do."
"STOP IT!" Her high-pitched scream sliced through the night air. We both turned to her. Tristan was holding her back. She wrenched herself free and stepped towards us. "It's my fault."
"What?" Ethan and I spoke at the same time.
She glared at both of us before speaking. "It's my fault," she said again. "I should have stayed outside like you'd asked." She turned to me now. "The first thing you did when you knew we were in danger is get me out of that house. You picked me up, threw me out and locked the door. You told me to call the cops. That's all I had to do," she shouted over the sound of the rain. Her voice was strained from her withheld sob. "All I had to do was call the police and wait. But I couldn't even do that. I had to go back in . . . and for what? To save you? How the hell could I save you? One minute. One fucking minute and the cops would've been there, and everything would've changed. I'd be safe, just like you'd intended." She turned to Ethan now. "You would've never seen me in that position. I would've never even been in there. And Logan, he would've never left." She faced me again. "It's my fault. You think you're to blame for it all? You're so wrong. It's me. It's all on me." She collapsed to the ground. Her head fell in her hands.
I tried to speak, but the lump in my throat prevented it. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. She was beyond fucking wrong.
"And now you're here." She lifted her head. Her eyes met mine. "Now you're here, and Ethan blames you." I knelt down so we were face to face. She placed her hand on my cheek. I did everything I could to stop from wincing in pain. "I'm sorry," she said. "I should've told you it was my fault, but I was so—"
"Stop." I kissed her once, ignoring the sharp ache. "You can't ever think like that. Ever. Promise me?"
She shook her head, her sobs taking over.
"The neighbors are watching. Let's get inside," Tristan spoke up.
Amanda's head turned as she looked around at us. Then her eyes met mine. "I'm coming with you," she whispered.
I shook my head. "You can't. You need to stay here. No more running. No more hiding." I kissed her forehead. "We'll get through it together, okay? Swear it."
"But I want to stay with you." She ran her thumb under my eye. It'd started to swell.
Tristan picked her up off the ground. "No-one's going anywhere." He held his hand out to me. "You can't drive, your eyes about to swell shut." He helped me up, and the same time looked around us. "Y'all can get back inside, everything's fine. There's nothing to see here." He chuckled to himself. "I've always wanted to say that."
Alexis closed the front door once we were inside. "It's okay," she assured me. "They're just gonna talk."
Logan
As soon as the door shut, his fist was in my stomach. I was expecting something, but not that. It made me fall to my knees. "You can't just fucking come back and pretend like everything's fine!" He kicked the same place he'd just punched. My body fell forward, but my arms held me up.
"Get up," he yelled. "Take it like a man."
I used my truck to get back to my feet. The pain in my body was nowhere near the pain in my heart. I knew Ethan. I knew him as the cocky asshole that never took anything too seriously. But this—this was not Ethan. At least, not the one from a year ago.
"Oh wait," he mocked. "I forgot. You don't do things like a man." He punched me again. My face this time. My head flung to the side, but I took it. I'd take anything he gave me. I deserved it all.
"Your girlfriend almost got raped and you bailed, right? That's your thing. You just fuck off?" Another punch. They were getting weaker. I'd be able to take a few more before my body failed me. "You fucking left. It was me that was there for her. I had to listen to her nightmares, her screams at night." I lifted my head to face him. I didn't know she’d had nightmares. "Oh." He nodded slowly as understanding dawned. "Of course she wouldn't tell you about that. Poor you, right? We better protect your fucking feelings." I let his words sink in as I took in his state. His knuckles were bleeding, or maybe it was my blood. Who the fuck knows? His shoulders lifted with his heavy breaths, but he could barely get a lungful before he hit me again. Another gut shot. Weaker again.
I let the pain consume me. I needed to feel it. I deserved to feel it.
"You've got nothing to say to me?" Another punch to the face. The blows hurt less, but the pain was constant. "Did she tell you she couldn't be home alone? Or that she slept with the light on? I bet she didn't fucking tell you any of that shit!" I tried to swallow the knot in my throat. She didn't tell me, but I’d never asked. I should have asked. He pushed against my chest, too weak to do anything else.
Thunder clapped and rain poured down.
Maybe it was a sign. Maybe she had every reason to be afraid of it. I couldn't just turn her nightmares into dreams, not when I didn't know they existed.
He fisted my shirt in his hand, the rain soaking us both. He got right in my face.
I waited.
Then I heard her voice.
"Stop," she yelled.
I lifted my chin.
"Stop it!" she yelled again.
My head pounded, the beating finally catching up. I tried to square my shoulders.
Ethan's voice was quieter now, intended just for me. "Do you know what it was like to walk in and see some guy on top of her like that? I got him off just in time, but she'd blacked out." His voice broke. He could've been crying, but the rain hid it. "She blacked out, and I thought she was fucking dead. I thought she'd died, Logan. I thought I'd fucking lost her."
I shut my eyes tight. The mental image of that night came back to me. I'd locked it away—with the rest of my nightmares. And now it was here. His body on top of her, holding her arm. Her scream as he pushed it against the floor, breaking it. Me, pathetically crawling to get to her. Her tears flowing. Her body slack. She'd given up.
And then darkness.
"Do you know what that was like for me?" Ethan yelled again.
And then it happened.
The walls I'd built to block out that night, the heartache, and the turmoil—it all came crashing down around me. I pushed him away. "How the fuck do you think I feel?" I shouted back. I pushed him again, my emotions taking control. "I was right fucking there and I couldn't stop it."
I heard her say my name but I ignored it. "I couldn't do a fucking thing to stop any of it. It's my fault they were there! It's my fault they hurt her! You don't think I fucking know that?"
"Stop," she yelled again.
I kept my eyes on Ethan. "You don't think I have to live with that guilt every day? Ethan, I was right there! It was on me. I couldn't fucking save her!" I was crying, sobbing like a fucking baby.
"Fuck you," he yelled, pushing against me again.
"I couldn't fucking save her," I repeated. "I fucking hate myself for what I let those assholes do."
"STOP IT!" Her high-pitched scream sliced through the night air. We both turned to her. Tristan was holding her back. She wrenched herself free and stepped towards us. "It's my fault."
"What?" Ethan and I spoke at the same time.
She glared at both of us before speaking. "It's my fault," she said again. "I should have stayed outside like you'd asked." She turned to me now. "The first thing you did when you knew we were in danger is get me out of that house. You picked me up, threw me out and locked the door. You told me to call the cops. That's all I had to do," she shouted over the sound of the rain. Her voice was strained from her withheld sob. "All I had to do was call the police and wait. But I couldn't even do that. I had to go back in . . . and for what? To save you? How the hell could I save you? One minute. One fucking minute and the cops would've been there, and everything would've changed. I'd be safe, just like you'd intended." She turned to Ethan now. "You would've never seen me in that position. I would've never even been in there. And Logan, he would've never left." She faced me again. "It's my fault. You think you're to blame for it all? You're so wrong. It's me. It's all on me." She collapsed to the ground. Her head fell in her hands.
I tried to speak, but the lump in my throat prevented it. I wanted to tell her she was wrong. She was beyond fucking wrong.
"And now you're here." She lifted her head. Her eyes met mine. "Now you're here, and Ethan blames you." I knelt down so we were face to face. She placed her hand on my cheek. I did everything I could to stop from wincing in pain. "I'm sorry," she said. "I should've told you it was my fault, but I was so—"
"Stop." I kissed her once, ignoring the sharp ache. "You can't ever think like that. Ever. Promise me?"
She shook her head, her sobs taking over.
"The neighbors are watching. Let's get inside," Tristan spoke up.
Amanda's head turned as she looked around at us. Then her eyes met mine. "I'm coming with you," she whispered.
I shook my head. "You can't. You need to stay here. No more running. No more hiding." I kissed her forehead. "We'll get through it together, okay? Swear it."
"But I want to stay with you." She ran her thumb under my eye. It'd started to swell.
Tristan picked her up off the ground. "No-one's going anywhere." He held his hand out to me. "You can't drive, your eyes about to swell shut." He helped me up, and the same time looked around us. "Y'all can get back inside, everything's fine. There's nothing to see here." He chuckled to himself. "I've always wanted to say that."
