More Than Him
Page 60
He flipped my wrist up so he could see Logan's initials on permanent display. "You love him, don't you?"
I nodded once. "He's my person."
He pulled out a ratty old envelope from his front pocket. "Jones!" he called out to the guard behind him.
The guard took the steps to cover the space between us. Picking up the letter from his raised hand, he opened it and skimmed it quickly, and then handed it to me.
It felt like a ball of fire between my fingers.
I waited until I was in the foyer before reading it.
***
Thirty-four weeks post Amanda.
How bad is it that I don't know how to greet you. Dear Dad? Dear Asshole? Maybe Dear Child Abuser? What do I call you? Sperm Donor? Monster?
Dear Monster,
Remember that time when I was six, and you told me you'd stop hitting me for a week if I didn't speak for two hours? I didn't speak for an entire day, but the next morning, I got woken with a fist to my stomach. You probably don't remember. You were too wasted, high, fucked-up in all other ways.
I dreamt about that last night. I woke up in a sweat. No piss this time. I'd say you'd be proud of me. But honestly, I couldn't fucking care less what you thought of me.
Here's the thing. I woke up today with a new outlook on life. It's this; fuck you.
I'm not going to live another day waiting for the darkness to fade or the shadows to pass. You and my mother—you're monsters that hide out those places. In the shadows and darkness of my life, and my thoughts, and my dreams. For so long I'd been afraid to close my eyes. But not anymore.
I almost let you win. You came back and you turned my dreams into a nightmare. I walked away from the one person in the entire world that I let love me back—and it's because of you. Because you embedded my brain to believe that I wasn't worthy, and that I didn't deserve to have the kind of happiness that Amanda gave me.
So, fuck you.
Because you're wrong. I've worked hard my entire life to leave you in the past, to not let you have any control over me. And in one night, you came back and you ruined that. You ruined me, and I lost her. And letting you control that, letting you own that part of me, was the biggest mistake of my fucking life.
Because I gave up on her—and I gave up on us.
But I'm going back, and when I do, I'm going to fight for her.
It could take me days, weeks, months, years. It doesn't fucking matter. Because I won't just be fighting for her. I'll be fighting you, too. And if I ever get her back, it'll be my life's biggest achievement.
And the biggest fuck you I could give you.
Because you won't win. I won't let you.
Epilogue
September twenty-fourth
Logan
Ethan's eyes were huge as he took in my words. "How the hell did you manage to hire out the entire place?"
Unlocking the gate to the mini golf center, I turned to him. "Let's just say I had to have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, some I'd rather forget."
Amanda's backhand into my stomach knocked the wind out of me. "You're an ass," she stated.
I opened the gate and waited for them to enter. "Baby, don't be mad. I thought about you the entire time."
I walked us over to where all the switches were and started turning them on, just like the owner showed me. Truth is, I came in and asked if it was possible. He said if I covered double the general takings for a Tuesday night, it would be fine, as long as we had a professional clean-up crew come in before opening the next day. He was kind of eyeing me weird the whole time, and I knew the instant recognition hit him because he took a physical step back. "Actually," he'd said. "That's not going to cover it." I'd dropped my shoulders and waited for him to continue. "You're friends with Jake Andrews, right?" It wasn't really question. "If we can get him here for a day, do some signings, get some pictures, maybe he can donate a signed jersey or baseball to hang up—then I'll let you have it for nothing." I'd smirked. "Sure, bud. Won't be a problem."
Not until I actually told Jake about it.
Ethan came up next to me and nudged my side. "Seriously, dude. This is the best birthday present ever. I can't believe you did all this."
I shrugged, watching Amanda talking to Lexi, Tristan and James, Micky's ex and their new housemate. Tristan was play punching her arm, counting off each one. She laughed, trying to get him to stop. "I have a lot to make up for," I told him.
"I don't know," Ethan started. "I mean, look at her." I already was. "I think you're done. You came back. You're both healed. You're both moving forward. What else can you do?"
A slow smile spread on my face. "Give her the whole goddamn universe."
***
An hour later, the place was packed. Alcohol was in full supply and a handful of guys were actually trying their hand at mini golf. Jake was pissed when I told him that I'd basically traded his time for the place. He hated doing anything that made him the center of attention. I played the pity card and told him that I just wanted to give Amanda and Ethan a good time; they deserved it after the hell I’d put them through. It worked. He changed his tone and said he'd be more than happy to do it.
"Have you spoken to Megan since you've been back?" Micky asked over the music.
I leaned forward on the table so she could hear me properly. "Not yet, have you?"
She nodded. "She's doing well, Logan. That new facility she was moved to helped her lots." She smiled proudly. "She's clean, and she's started to sort her life out." Then her features flattened. "It would mean a lot to her if you called, or something. Just let her know that you're safe, and that you don't blame her for what happened. She's carrying around a lot of that guilt—"
"What?" I interrupted.
"Yeah," she said timidly. "She thinks it's her fault, what happened that night, and you leaving. She even called Amanda to apologize."
I looked over to Amanda who was laughing at Ethan missing the hole from only inches away. "I'll call her," I promised. "I don't want her thinking any of that shit. I just wanted the time to make things right, you know?" I faced her again. She was nodding, understanding what I meant.
I just wanted Amanda.
Amanda
Logan and I left the party right after Cameron and Lucy did. They had to be up early to head home. Tomorrow was the anniversary of Lucy's mom's death, and, like every year, they went to visit her with the rest of her family.
"You promise you can't see anything?" he asked.
I gripped his arm tighter and took the final step onto the roof. "Do you promise this isn't going to be like the last time you blindfolded me?"
"Holy shit, babe, my dick just twitched in my pants."
"Really?"
"Yup."
"Let me touch it."
I nodded once. "He's my person."
He pulled out a ratty old envelope from his front pocket. "Jones!" he called out to the guard behind him.
The guard took the steps to cover the space between us. Picking up the letter from his raised hand, he opened it and skimmed it quickly, and then handed it to me.
It felt like a ball of fire between my fingers.
I waited until I was in the foyer before reading it.
***
Thirty-four weeks post Amanda.
How bad is it that I don't know how to greet you. Dear Dad? Dear Asshole? Maybe Dear Child Abuser? What do I call you? Sperm Donor? Monster?
Dear Monster,
Remember that time when I was six, and you told me you'd stop hitting me for a week if I didn't speak for two hours? I didn't speak for an entire day, but the next morning, I got woken with a fist to my stomach. You probably don't remember. You were too wasted, high, fucked-up in all other ways.
I dreamt about that last night. I woke up in a sweat. No piss this time. I'd say you'd be proud of me. But honestly, I couldn't fucking care less what you thought of me.
Here's the thing. I woke up today with a new outlook on life. It's this; fuck you.
I'm not going to live another day waiting for the darkness to fade or the shadows to pass. You and my mother—you're monsters that hide out those places. In the shadows and darkness of my life, and my thoughts, and my dreams. For so long I'd been afraid to close my eyes. But not anymore.
I almost let you win. You came back and you turned my dreams into a nightmare. I walked away from the one person in the entire world that I let love me back—and it's because of you. Because you embedded my brain to believe that I wasn't worthy, and that I didn't deserve to have the kind of happiness that Amanda gave me.
So, fuck you.
Because you're wrong. I've worked hard my entire life to leave you in the past, to not let you have any control over me. And in one night, you came back and you ruined that. You ruined me, and I lost her. And letting you control that, letting you own that part of me, was the biggest mistake of my fucking life.
Because I gave up on her—and I gave up on us.
But I'm going back, and when I do, I'm going to fight for her.
It could take me days, weeks, months, years. It doesn't fucking matter. Because I won't just be fighting for her. I'll be fighting you, too. And if I ever get her back, it'll be my life's biggest achievement.
And the biggest fuck you I could give you.
Because you won't win. I won't let you.
Epilogue
September twenty-fourth
Logan
Ethan's eyes were huge as he took in my words. "How the hell did you manage to hire out the entire place?"
Unlocking the gate to the mini golf center, I turned to him. "Let's just say I had to have a lot of sex with a lot of different people, some I'd rather forget."
Amanda's backhand into my stomach knocked the wind out of me. "You're an ass," she stated.
I opened the gate and waited for them to enter. "Baby, don't be mad. I thought about you the entire time."
I walked us over to where all the switches were and started turning them on, just like the owner showed me. Truth is, I came in and asked if it was possible. He said if I covered double the general takings for a Tuesday night, it would be fine, as long as we had a professional clean-up crew come in before opening the next day. He was kind of eyeing me weird the whole time, and I knew the instant recognition hit him because he took a physical step back. "Actually," he'd said. "That's not going to cover it." I'd dropped my shoulders and waited for him to continue. "You're friends with Jake Andrews, right?" It wasn't really question. "If we can get him here for a day, do some signings, get some pictures, maybe he can donate a signed jersey or baseball to hang up—then I'll let you have it for nothing." I'd smirked. "Sure, bud. Won't be a problem."
Not until I actually told Jake about it.
Ethan came up next to me and nudged my side. "Seriously, dude. This is the best birthday present ever. I can't believe you did all this."
I shrugged, watching Amanda talking to Lexi, Tristan and James, Micky's ex and their new housemate. Tristan was play punching her arm, counting off each one. She laughed, trying to get him to stop. "I have a lot to make up for," I told him.
"I don't know," Ethan started. "I mean, look at her." I already was. "I think you're done. You came back. You're both healed. You're both moving forward. What else can you do?"
A slow smile spread on my face. "Give her the whole goddamn universe."
***
An hour later, the place was packed. Alcohol was in full supply and a handful of guys were actually trying their hand at mini golf. Jake was pissed when I told him that I'd basically traded his time for the place. He hated doing anything that made him the center of attention. I played the pity card and told him that I just wanted to give Amanda and Ethan a good time; they deserved it after the hell I’d put them through. It worked. He changed his tone and said he'd be more than happy to do it.
"Have you spoken to Megan since you've been back?" Micky asked over the music.
I leaned forward on the table so she could hear me properly. "Not yet, have you?"
She nodded. "She's doing well, Logan. That new facility she was moved to helped her lots." She smiled proudly. "She's clean, and she's started to sort her life out." Then her features flattened. "It would mean a lot to her if you called, or something. Just let her know that you're safe, and that you don't blame her for what happened. She's carrying around a lot of that guilt—"
"What?" I interrupted.
"Yeah," she said timidly. "She thinks it's her fault, what happened that night, and you leaving. She even called Amanda to apologize."
I looked over to Amanda who was laughing at Ethan missing the hole from only inches away. "I'll call her," I promised. "I don't want her thinking any of that shit. I just wanted the time to make things right, you know?" I faced her again. She was nodding, understanding what I meant.
I just wanted Amanda.
Amanda
Logan and I left the party right after Cameron and Lucy did. They had to be up early to head home. Tomorrow was the anniversary of Lucy's mom's death, and, like every year, they went to visit her with the rest of her family.
"You promise you can't see anything?" he asked.
I gripped his arm tighter and took the final step onto the roof. "Do you promise this isn't going to be like the last time you blindfolded me?"
"Holy shit, babe, my dick just twitched in my pants."
"Really?"
"Yup."
"Let me touch it."
