My Clarity
Page 49
Why did my heart ache so much? Had I fallen for Elijah? What was wrong with me? I could never date anyone who smoked, that looked dangerous, and especially not someone who raced for a living. Oh God! I needed to snap out of it.
Feeling the dagger twist deeper and not wanting to be in the same room with Elijah, I texted Lexy, who had excused herself to the restroom. I wrote that I was catching a ride home. Turning around one last time, I noted Elijah was gone. That only meant one thing and I felt disgusted at myself for being this jealous…for letting it get this far…for letting it get to me.
Since our condo wasn’t that far, I flung my purse over my shoulder and walked out the door. The sting from the cold breeze awakened me as I ran. I could see the mist puffing out of my mouth with every ragged breath I took. When I got home, I saw all the lights were on. I heard the muffled sounds from his room, and I knew Elijah had brought his date home. He was breaking my heart everywhere I turned tonight.
I suddenly recalled Lexy’s words, when she told me if Elijah brought home too many girls and I couldn’t stand it, I could sleep at her place. Then I remembered Cynthia, who had asked me in class if Elijah brought home a new girl every night. There was a reason my friends had said these things. I found out tonight that Elijah was a big time player. He had been hiding it from me. I felt like a huge fool for almost falling into his trap.
Elijah knew how to weasel his way into a girl’s heart. Everything about him screamed trouble, but how could a girl ignore his charm, his charisma, his…everything? Wanting to prove that he had no effect on me, I went to the bathroom and made my appearance known by flushing the toilet, taking a shower, and making loud banging noises with the cabinets. There was no way he could miss me now.
After I got into bed, I texted Lexy again to let her know I was home safe. I also saw Emma’s text letting me know she was coming down early to help me bake the turkey. I was just about to tell her not to bother, when I changed my mind, thinking about how excited Lexy was. Why did I open my big fat mouth?
It was difficult to sleep when all I could think about was what they were doing in his room. Now that I had a taste of Elijah, I could imagine what he was doing to her. I was just another girl that didn’t make it on the one-night stand list. I meant nothing to him and apparently, our friendship meant nothing, either. At that moment, I hated him. Anger, frustration, confusion, love, lust, want, need, and sadness were all mixed up, jumbled into one messed up me. I never felt so many emotions all at once.
Putting a pillow over my head so I couldn’t hear them, unexpected tears fell. They were tears for missing my dad, and tears because I didn’t want to fall for Elijah, but I knew deep down inside, I already had. I would fight this feeling with everything I had and be strong, because I had a wake-up call tonight.
Elijah
I almost freakin’ crashed the car. Death looked me right in my face, but it let me go. I was almost certain the car had been tampered with, and my only suspect was no doubt, Nolan. But holy shit! I had never been afraid of dying before, and I knew something had changed in me. I needed a reality check or more like an “Elijah doesn’t give a f**k” check. That was the attitude I was used to.
Street racing was dangerous. I was willing to risk my life for fast cash. It was easy. Desperate measures meant desperate calls. If I died in the process, I didn’t care, but a part of me did tonight. That scared me more than dying.
Seeing Alex tonight made me feel guilty for racing. She was like the angel on my shoulder who was shaking her head, telling me that this was not the way. I knew it wasn’t, but it would have to be for now.
I assumed she was with Liam tonight, but when I saw her walking in with Lexy, my heart not only jumped out of my chest for her, but there was an ache I didn’t want to feel. It was raw pain, deeper than the ocean; a pain I hadn’t felt in a long time. And I knew what I had to do.
Being surrounded by girls was something I was used to, but being surrounded by them and not flirting back was not. When Diane had her hands all over me, I responded by kissing her. I’d never kissed a girl in front of Alex before and I had no idea why. She was the one who was with someone. Why would she care and why would it matter to her?
Ever since she entered my life, I was adapting for her. I stopped bringing girls home, except for that one time. I said no to having parties at my place since I had to share with Alex. I even made sure to clean up after myself and to keep our place clean. This was not what I was used to doing. Not wanting to smoke in front of her caused me to smoke less. It also made me feel uncomfortable, since her father had died of lung cancer and it would remind her of that. I had even stopped flirting with all those girls that threw themselves at me.
I had become someone else. What was next? But I did it for her. My worries, my anger, and even the loss of my family was forgotten when she was around. I swear she would be the destruction of me.
I could tell Alex was trying not to look, but I could also tell she was curious at who I had in my arms. A part of me felt good that she bothered to look, but when she turned away, I felt like an ass**le. Why should I care? She was the one that was taken, not me. I was playing games and I would play even harder tonight, just so that whatever she thought she felt for me would be gone completely. I wanted her to be disgusted with me so it would be easier for me to move on.
I took Tracy home with me since Diane was wasted. Yup, that should do it. Whatever feeling Alex had for me was out the door tonight. It was better this way.
Chapter 27
Alexandria
Feeling the dagger twist deeper and not wanting to be in the same room with Elijah, I texted Lexy, who had excused herself to the restroom. I wrote that I was catching a ride home. Turning around one last time, I noted Elijah was gone. That only meant one thing and I felt disgusted at myself for being this jealous…for letting it get this far…for letting it get to me.
Since our condo wasn’t that far, I flung my purse over my shoulder and walked out the door. The sting from the cold breeze awakened me as I ran. I could see the mist puffing out of my mouth with every ragged breath I took. When I got home, I saw all the lights were on. I heard the muffled sounds from his room, and I knew Elijah had brought his date home. He was breaking my heart everywhere I turned tonight.
I suddenly recalled Lexy’s words, when she told me if Elijah brought home too many girls and I couldn’t stand it, I could sleep at her place. Then I remembered Cynthia, who had asked me in class if Elijah brought home a new girl every night. There was a reason my friends had said these things. I found out tonight that Elijah was a big time player. He had been hiding it from me. I felt like a huge fool for almost falling into his trap.
Elijah knew how to weasel his way into a girl’s heart. Everything about him screamed trouble, but how could a girl ignore his charm, his charisma, his…everything? Wanting to prove that he had no effect on me, I went to the bathroom and made my appearance known by flushing the toilet, taking a shower, and making loud banging noises with the cabinets. There was no way he could miss me now.
After I got into bed, I texted Lexy again to let her know I was home safe. I also saw Emma’s text letting me know she was coming down early to help me bake the turkey. I was just about to tell her not to bother, when I changed my mind, thinking about how excited Lexy was. Why did I open my big fat mouth?
It was difficult to sleep when all I could think about was what they were doing in his room. Now that I had a taste of Elijah, I could imagine what he was doing to her. I was just another girl that didn’t make it on the one-night stand list. I meant nothing to him and apparently, our friendship meant nothing, either. At that moment, I hated him. Anger, frustration, confusion, love, lust, want, need, and sadness were all mixed up, jumbled into one messed up me. I never felt so many emotions all at once.
Putting a pillow over my head so I couldn’t hear them, unexpected tears fell. They were tears for missing my dad, and tears because I didn’t want to fall for Elijah, but I knew deep down inside, I already had. I would fight this feeling with everything I had and be strong, because I had a wake-up call tonight.
Elijah
I almost freakin’ crashed the car. Death looked me right in my face, but it let me go. I was almost certain the car had been tampered with, and my only suspect was no doubt, Nolan. But holy shit! I had never been afraid of dying before, and I knew something had changed in me. I needed a reality check or more like an “Elijah doesn’t give a f**k” check. That was the attitude I was used to.
Street racing was dangerous. I was willing to risk my life for fast cash. It was easy. Desperate measures meant desperate calls. If I died in the process, I didn’t care, but a part of me did tonight. That scared me more than dying.
Seeing Alex tonight made me feel guilty for racing. She was like the angel on my shoulder who was shaking her head, telling me that this was not the way. I knew it wasn’t, but it would have to be for now.
I assumed she was with Liam tonight, but when I saw her walking in with Lexy, my heart not only jumped out of my chest for her, but there was an ache I didn’t want to feel. It was raw pain, deeper than the ocean; a pain I hadn’t felt in a long time. And I knew what I had to do.
Being surrounded by girls was something I was used to, but being surrounded by them and not flirting back was not. When Diane had her hands all over me, I responded by kissing her. I’d never kissed a girl in front of Alex before and I had no idea why. She was the one who was with someone. Why would she care and why would it matter to her?
Ever since she entered my life, I was adapting for her. I stopped bringing girls home, except for that one time. I said no to having parties at my place since I had to share with Alex. I even made sure to clean up after myself and to keep our place clean. This was not what I was used to doing. Not wanting to smoke in front of her caused me to smoke less. It also made me feel uncomfortable, since her father had died of lung cancer and it would remind her of that. I had even stopped flirting with all those girls that threw themselves at me.
I had become someone else. What was next? But I did it for her. My worries, my anger, and even the loss of my family was forgotten when she was around. I swear she would be the destruction of me.
I could tell Alex was trying not to look, but I could also tell she was curious at who I had in my arms. A part of me felt good that she bothered to look, but when she turned away, I felt like an ass**le. Why should I care? She was the one that was taken, not me. I was playing games and I would play even harder tonight, just so that whatever she thought she felt for me would be gone completely. I wanted her to be disgusted with me so it would be easier for me to move on.
I took Tracy home with me since Diane was wasted. Yup, that should do it. Whatever feeling Alex had for me was out the door tonight. It was better this way.
Chapter 27
Alexandria
