My Kind of Christmas

Page 35

He shook his head. “And here I thought I’d have to prop you up.”
“Nah, I’m not sorry. This has been the most wonderful month of my life.”
And now Patrick owed her. You hardly ever run into the kind of person who can really hold you in an open hand, never threatened or competitive, always loving you enough to want you to have everything you’ve imagined possible. Angie, only twenty-three, had that down. She was all selfless love. She was going to leave her mark and the world would be a better place for it.
“I want you to know…letting you go to do what I have to do—I haven’t faced anything harder,” he told her.
“You’re strong, Paddy,” she said. “Just believe in yourself the way I believe in you.”
He held her through the night. When he found he couldn’t sleep, he just inhaled her scent and told himself he’d rest later when he couldn’t savor the moment anymore. He’d sleep when she was out of his reach. But this time they had left, he wasn’t about to waste it.
In the wee hours before dawn, he slipped out of bed, dressed quietly and went back to her. He kissed her sleeping eyes. Without opening them, without looking at him, she said, “Just kiss me, tell me you love me and go.”
He sat on the edge of the bed, slid his arms under her, lifted her against him and covered her mouth in a powerful, deep, emotional kiss. She didn’t open her eyes; she didn’t choke on a sob. “I love you,” he said against her lips.
Her small tongue licked in his taste. “And I love you.”
* * *
Patrick had plenty of time before he needed to be at the Redding airport. He could even swing through his cabin for a shower and change of clothes, grab his duffel and, if he felt like it, stop somewhere for breakfast. Even with time on his side, he moved as if through quicksand.
It felt as if there was now a second person he’d had to permanently give up. First Jake, then the person who was best able to get him beyond Jake: Angie. Sometimes life really threw a lot of rotten apples.
He brewed his last pot of coffee in Aiden’s cabin while he showered. After dressing, he stuffed yesterday’s clothes in his duffel and tossed it by the door. Then he sat by the now-cold hearth and drank a cup.
He couldn’t stop thinking about her. She’d shown him more support, understanding and encouragement in a few weeks than Leigh had delivered in as many years. How was that possible? He kept asking himself if Angie simply turned him on, making him think all these things when really it was just about lust. But what came to mind was the way she held him after a nightmare, while Leigh had never even called after Jake’s death. He thought about reaching into Angie’s hair and finding a bald spot and hearing her say, “Shunt.” He remembered seeing her in those scrubs and booties after Megan’s surgery. It went very well—she’s waking up now. And when the Riordans and Sheridans gathered at the bar and the stories began she laughed until tears were running down her cheeks. She had leaned over and whispered to him, I think I might’ve wet my pants.
He’d never had anyone in his life like her. Never would again. He felt inside the way Jake would act when they were getting back from a deployment—like an animal, insane for his woman.
His coffee was cold. He looked at his watch—he’d been sitting there just thinking about her for a long time.
He looked at the ceiling. “Crap. Buddy, I’m sorry,” he said aloud.
Then he went for the phone.
“Marie, sweetheart, I’m going to miss my plane. I’m really sorry.”
“Not a problem, Paddy,” she said. “There will be other times, other planes.”
“That’s the thing, Marie—I’m actually not going to make it for Christmas. I got caught up in something. I know I’d promised to be there, but—”
She laughed. “Paddy, I got so tired of trying to convince you this wasn’t the place for you to spend Christmas, I stopped trying. You just don’t take a hint!”
He was stunned. “Don’t you love me anymore?”
“I will always love you, Paddy. You’re one of my dearest friends. And if you ever need me—call me.”
“I wanted to be there for you,” he said. “I promised Jake.”
“And you have been there. You stood by my side while we eulogized him. You held Daniel while I received the flag. You came to Oklahoma to be sure I was okay. You call almost every day to see how I’m doing. What more could you have done?”
He sat down weakly and ran a hand through his hair, which had grown thick and long in the six weeks the Navy hadn’t been looking. “Well, my plan was to try to convince you we could make it together, you and I. All you had to do was keep an open mind.”
“I don’t want to go back to Charleston,” she said.
“Even if I said I wanted to marry you?” he asked.
“Oh, for God’s sake! I’m not going to marry you! I love you but I’m not in love with you. More importantly, you’re not in love with me!”
“Are you absolutely sure?”
“Yes!”
“Jesus, Marie—I gave Jake my word! If anything ever happened, I’d look out for you!”
“Right. So, if anything ever happened to you, was Jake on the hook to look after anyone?”
“Well, there’s my mother…but I have brothers....”
“Looking out for someone doesn’t mean committing a life to them, Paddy! Damn, you men never listen. You’ve been looking out for me every day that Jake’s been gone. But you still need counseling. Grief counseling. You’re hanging on to Jake through me and guess what? I’m just not strong enough to carry you. I have my own grief to work through.”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I was trying to keep you upright for him!”
“And what’s the difference?”
“Aw, Marie… Am I completely screwed up?”
“No more than expected. Paddy, let him go. Miss him with me, that’s all. Call me sometimes, all right? Visit now and then, but not for too long—I intend to eventually have a life. It might not be as great as the one I had with Jake, but I have a son to raise, a little boy who looks just like his dad and is smart as the devil. I’m not going to raise him in a gray cloud of longing. I want to tell him about Uncle Paddy and the things you and his dad used to do. I’d like you to be there at his high school graduation. But not as a replacement for his father. We need you for who you really are. Daniel’s godfather. Jake’s best friend. My best friend.”
He was quiet for a moment. “You sound fierce. I’ve never heard you sound like that before.”
She laughed, but there was a hitch in her laugh. “I guess Jake grew very perfect in your memory. But then, you weren’t usually around for the fights....”
“Fights?”
“Paddy, you were with him at the bar while I was in labor! He kept telling me to hang in there.”
Patrick ran a hand around the back of his neck; he hung his head. “Yeah, poor form…”
“If you hadn’t gotten him out of there, you might’ve been the one having to say ‘breathe’ and ‘push.’”
“God,” he muttered, remembering. “I haven’t been thinking clearly.”
“I know. All this talk of taking me back to Charleston to live there in your house with you… Please. No. Maintaining a good relationship is hard enough when you actually marry someone you’re crazy in love with—why would I risk my future to a friend who means well? That’s not the recipe for a happily-ever-after. Paddy, please, let go and find your own girl. Jake’s girl is moving on as best she can.”
Again, he was very quiet.
“Well, to be honest, I did meet a girl....”
“Thank God.”
“She’s amazing. I said goodbye to her this morning so I could catch my flight to Oklahoma. But I’ve never met anyone like her—she doesn’t let anything stop her. She’s so young, but still unbelievably brave and determined. Kind of like Jake and I used to be back in those Academy days—even though we were scared to death, we tried not to let it show. She’s powerful like that. Full of love and goodwill and a desire to make a difference, to live a positive and authentic life. And she’s also beautiful and funny. She’s small and looks like she could be fragile, but don’t be fooled—she’s strong. Stronger than I am.”
“The girl who made the operation happen.”
“Yeah, that’s her. She took it on without being asked and she did it. She’s good to the marrow of her bones. Kind and loving.”
“Exactly what you need,” she said, but her voice had grown thick.
“Marie? Are you crying?”
In a voice so soft he could barely hear, she said, “He used to say things like that about me.... Go get her, Paddy. It’ll be worth it. I promise you.”
* * *
Angie allowed herself to cry once Paddy had left, but she knew that wallowing wasn’t going to make this any easier. So she showered and dressed and just before noon, she called her uncle Jack’s house and her aunt Brie answered.
“What are you doing there?” Angie asked.
“Your mom and I are whipping together an early dinner while Mel cleans up after us. Jack’s going to be here this afternoon, but he and Mike are going to work the bar at around six—that tree keeps it hopping until late. Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
“Did Patrick leave?”
“This morning.”
“Will you come over? Join us?” Brie asked.
“Sure. But I’m coming back here to sleep, so let’s not even argue about it.”
“I thought it was pretty clear, you’re on your own,” Brie said. “Come on, baby. Come to your auntie Brie. I’ll let you try on my clothes and wear my makeup,” she said, bringing to memory the days when Angie was a little girl and Brie a young woman.
Angie laughed, but there was a lump in her throat. “See you, then,” she said. But she wasn’t sure she could hold it together with her family. If they felt sorry for her, she might crumble.
When she got to Jack and Mel’s, she let herself in. There was lots of activity in the kitchen and dining room; Emma and Ness were running through the house. Grandpa was tucked away in the recliner in the corner, dozing, the newspaper spread over him like a blanket. Angie’s sisters were sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace and they instantly shot to their feet and stared. Tall, lean, nineteen-year-old Jenna had her hands in the back pockets of her jeans; twenty-one-year-old Beth crossed her arms protectively over her chest and hugged herself. Both of them looked as though they’d just witnessed an accident.
“Don’t baby me,” Angie said. She hung her jacket on the coat hanger by the door and pulled off her cowboy boots. “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
Her sisters just looked at each other. Then her again.
Donna came from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “We doing okay?” she asked Angie.
“Okay.” Then she went to sit on the floor in front of the fire where her sisters had been. They immediately joined her with very expectant looks on their faces. “If you two make me cry, you’re history,” she warned her sisters.
She saw her uncle Jack come out of the kitchen holding a stack of plates for the dining room table. He stopped short when he saw her, lifting his heavy eyebrows. She gave him a smile and a wave.
“Was it horrible?” Jenna asked. “Letting that hunk of burning love go?”
“Jenna, have you ever actually had a boyfriend?” Angie asked.
“Are you kidding me?” Beth asked. “She’s had seventy-two or so. And none as fine as that Irish dude you caught.”