My Life as a White Trash Zombie

Page 45

Yeah, I know, my logic left a lot to be desired. But my intuition screamed that I was on the right track. I knew the murder of a cop would be taken a hell of a lot more seriously than that of a pizza delivery guy, or a mortuary worker. It wasn’t fair, but it was the truth and Ed knew it, which meant that he needed to find some way to make it look like an accident. Like, say, on a hunting trip. In the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.
Before hitting the road I’d quickly made up two bottles of brain “slush.” Those were now filling the cup holders in the console, plus I had the cooler full of “brain food” in the back seat. Even though I was already pretty full up on brains, I went ahead and sucked down one of the slushies while I drove like a madwoman and prayed that there weren’t any state troopers on the back highways. I’d never gone this far overboard on brains before. It would have been an insane waste under normal circumstances, but right now I didn’t give a fuck about conserving my stash. I only wanted to be sure I was fully tanked up, but as soon as I tossed the empty bottle aside I discovered something amazingly cool. Suddenly my senses were sharper than they’d ever been in my life, and my reflexes could have given Dale Earnhardt a run for his money.
I grinned and increased my speed. Zombie super powers could come in handy at times.
It was a good thing I had those heightened reflexes and senses. If not for them, I’d have totally missed the twisted sign by the little dirt road. Slamming on the brakes, I somehow managed to wrench the car around in time to make the turn without going into the ditch.
I could see fresh tracks in the mud which relieved my worry that I might be headed in the wrong direction, but my poor little Honda shimmied and gave out some ominous noises as I forced it over the ruts and through puddles. This road was meant to be navigated by a truck with much higher clearance, and certainly not at the speeds I was attempting. I was barely a mile down the road when the car gave a sudden lurch into a rut, and I came up hard against the seat belt.
“No! Shit!” I jammed it into reverse, but I could hear the tires spinning. I was stuck, and good.
Shutting the engine off, I quickly thought through my options and plans. Hell, I didn’t have a plan other than “warn Marcus.” He was the one with the gun and the training and all that stuff.
But all of that would be useless unless I could actually warn him. There was no way he’d be expecting an attack from his best friend.
My eyes fell on the second bottle of brain slush. I twisted around to look at the cooler in the back seat.
I smiled my best bad-bitch smile. Oh, yeah. I was about to burn me some brains.
Chapter 35
I’ve never been anything remotely resembling “athletic.” I’m pretty sure the very few times in my life when I actually made myself run were only after much threatening from gym teachers—back when I still went to school and suffered such fates.
But if running had ever felt like this I don’t think I’d have ever stopped. I raced down the road like the mutant lovechild of a gazelle and a cheetah—far faster than I’d have been able to drive it, thanks to that second bottle of brains. Now I figured I had maybe ten more minutes at the pace I was going before I crashed and started to rot.
Luckily it was only about a minute later that I reached the large clearing at the end of the road. A couple of hundred yards away Marcus and Ed were busy loading gear onto two four-wheelers. Saving the day with brains to spare! I thought in euphoric glee.
They turned in unison at the sound of my running footsteps. Marcus’s eyes widened in surprise. “Angel! What on earth are you doing here?”
Ed looked surprised as well, but his expression quickly turned wary and for good reason. I was still running all out and had no intention of stopping until I’d knocked Ed on his ass. “Marcus!” I yelled as I charged toward them. “I know you’re a zombie and you made me! Ed does too and he’s—”
A loud bang slammed through the clearing, cutting off my words as I went crashing to the ground in an awkward flailing sprawl. Pain jabbed hard and deep, and I gasped raggedly as I struggled to get back to my feet. For some reason I couldn’t get a deep breath. The clearing swam around me as I scrabbled upright. I needed to warn Marcus and stop Ed. I needed to breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe?
I heard a second bang and something hit me hard in the chest. There was a sense of pain but it felt strangely removed. I coughed and blood bubbled out of my mouth, copper-metallic taste fading almost as soon as it hit my tongue.
Oh. That’s why I can’t breathe. I could only stare at the pistol in Ed’s hand as I sagged first to my knees, then onto my side on the ground. Color and sensation faded with the speed of a whirlwind. I made one more try to get enough breath to yell a warning to Marcus, but it wasn’t happening.
Marcus wasn’t stupid. The simple fact that Ed had shot me was warning enough. He lunged for the rifle on the four-wheeler with amazing speed, especially considering he had to be wondering what the fuck was going on.
But Ed already had his gun in his hand. I could see indecision sweep across his face, but in the next instant it was gone, replaced by rabid determination. He swung his arm around as Marcus’s hand closed on the rifle. Another shot slammed through the clearing, and for a split-second I thought Marcus had won and gotten his shot off first.
Then he crumpled to the ground with a hole in his forehead while Ed slowly lowered his gun.
I wanted to scream in horror, but I still couldn’t make much sound—just a couple of gurgles of blood, and not too much of that, either. I couldn’t feel my heart beating at all anymore. I was pretty far into being dead at this point. Those extra nine minutes worth of brains had been chewed through in seconds.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Marcus’s still form. Had I been wrong about him being a zombie? And, if he was, could a bullet to the head kill him? He wasn’t moving at all.
Ed let out a shaky breath. “God damn it.” Pain flashed over his face. “Damn it. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”
I wanted to scream in rage. Oh, gee, sorry I fucked up your intentions of killing him all nice and neatly.
He shifted his gaze to where I was lying then wiped a trembling hand over his face. “I know you’re not really dead. I only slowed you down.” A shudder crawled over him. “Ah, god . . . I liked you,” he said, voice rough. “You seemed so normal. Why’d you have to turn out to be a goddamn monster!” He let out an inarticulate scream of rage that seemed to be directed more at the heavens than at me, then he sagged and swiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. “Fucking zombies,” he muttered. “You motherfuckers take everything, don’t you. If I love it, you fucking take it.” He took a ragged breath and seemed to focus on me again. “Angel died in that wreck. I know you think you’re Angel, but she died.”
I shook my head, fear and anger battling it out inside me. “No,” I managed to rasp out. “You’re wrong. I’m Angel.”
Ed’s mouth trembled for a brief second. “No. You’re a monster. The worst kind of monster, because you make people think you’re alive. Then you go and bash their head in with a fucking anchor and—” He spun away abruptly as his words roiled within me.
Ah, shit. Boating accident, my ass.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Ed said in a hoarse whisper. He swiped at his face again, and I realized he was crying—which only pissed me off more. He was going to be all weepy and emo because he’d shot me and his best friend? Fuck him!
“I’d wondered about Marcus,” Ed went on, voice still hoarse. “Marianne’s dog acted a bit funny around him at first, but then he kept playing with the dog. Told myself it wasn’t possible.” He flicked a glance my way. “Then Kudzu indicated on you. I didn’t believe it then either.” Anger flashed in his eyes. “I was an idiot. All this time your bodies have been desecrated. Animated by this monstrous shit.”
“I’m not a monster, you stupid fuck!” I tried to yell, but it came out as mostly rasps and gurgles, and I had no idea if any of it was understandable.
But even if it was, Ed ignored it. He was too caught up in his self-righteous pity-party. “Now I’ll give you both the mercy of a true death,” he said, squaring his shoulders He slowly holstered his gun, then—almost reluctantly—looked over to where Marcus lay sprawled on his back on the ground. He was silent for several seconds, then shook his head. “I’ll finish you off quickly,” Ed said to the possibly dead Marcus. “I owe you that much.”
He turned away and began to dig through the gear on the four wheeler. He wasn’t paying attention to me anymore. I figured he was going to let me crawl around and moan a bit before he gave me his “mercy.”
Yeah, well, I had no desire to roll over and give up yet. Part of me felt sorry for him, but the rest of me was simply pissed off. I knew I had it in me to get back on my feet and move toward Ed. It would take a lot more than two bullets in the chest to keep me down. When he shot me, I’d collapsed from the shock as my body took a hard nosedive into being a helluva lot more dead than usual, but that had pretty well worn off by now. My chest was a mess, but it didn’t hurt. I still couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t need to. Whatever made me a zombie was taking care of all that shit. I’d be slow, though, and pretty damn uncoordinated. I was definitely a mess. Ed would have no trouble hacking my head off.
Good thing I had an ace up my sleeve. Or rather, something much better than an ace. Two of ‘em, in fact.
I shifted slightly—not enough to draw his attention, just to where I could pull one of the plastic bags out of the side pocket of my cargo pants. The contents were still pretty frozen, and swallowing the chunks of icy brains down began to hurt like shit after the first few gulps, but that faded quickly beneath the blissful feel of my chest knitting itself back together. I finished that one and let the empty bag drop, then pulled the second bag out and ripped it open.