My Oxford Year
Page 57
“I love it. All of it. Every corner.” I look up at him. “I love her.”
He looks down at me, finally meeting my eye. A heat sparks there, a heat I haven’t seen in months. A heat that isn’t banked or contained. A heat like “Dover Beach.” Like the Buttery. Like his dining room. A heat with potentiality. “I love her, too,” he murmurs.
I don’t know why we can both say that so freely about his mother, but haven’t yet said it to each other, about each other. Maybe he doesn’t feel it. Maybe he’s just English. Maybe he’s protecting himself.
I know which reason is mine.
I go up on tiptoe. I kiss him softly. He kisses me back. Not so softly.
“Are you two coming?” Antonia calls from the hall.
Jamie groans in the back of his throat, like a discontented bear.
Antonia leads us back downstairs, describing the frescoes and the battle they depict (which even I can see is, in fact, a hunt). We stop in front of two solid oak doors.
“Last stop.” Antonia smiles. “The library. Where Jamie once locked his brother in a suit of armor.”
“He asked me to!”
“Overnight?”
I laugh. Antonia nods toward the doors. “You do the honors.”
I happily grab hold of the round knobs and push the double doors open with purpose, as if I were presenting mother and son to the room—
Why are there balloons?
Why are there streamers?
Why is William smiling?
What are they doing here?!
“Surprise!” everyone cries.
Charlie, Maggie, and Tom (wearing some kind of hunting outfit and waders) charge over and sweep me into a group hug. Tears spring to my eyes. Over Charlie’s shoulder I see Jamie’s smile become a laugh as he and Antonia embrace. I hear him say to his mother, “Completely surprised.”
“Couldn’t have come off better,” she confirms.
I disentangle one arm and reach out for them both. Jamie laces his fingers through mine. He leans forward and finds the space to kiss my cheek, warming me to my core, a roaring fire on a winter night. He planned this. Even though he was pissed at me, even though he didn’t want to come, he did this for me.
I love this man. I love everything about him.
I promise myself that I’m going to tell him that.
AFTER A BIRTHDAY tea in the library, I open presents. I get a collection of (used) philosophy books from Tom, a leather-bound journal from Maggie, and a bottle of fine Scotch from Charlie, which manages to get William’s nod of approval. Although he keeps leaving the room to take a call, he always comes back. While we haven’t said anything to each other, we’ve exchanged a number of tight smiles and nods. Progress?
Jamie hands me one final card. “From Ce.” I look at the envelope, my name written in cursive on the front. As I slip my finger under the flap, Jamie continues, “She desperately wanted to be here, but she had an obligation from which she couldn’t extricate herself.”
Maggie, sitting across from me on a love seat next to Tom, nudges him in the ribs. “How sad for you.”
Tom seems distracted, preoccupied. He’s still unable to meet Maggie’s eye. “Cecelia Knowles? Ancient history.”
Her mouth forms a confused moue, although she continues to tease him. “Oh, is that so?”
Tom nods tightly. “I’ve moved on. To more fertile ground.”
Charlie, who’s been inspecting the first editions around the room, doesn’t even have the wherewithal to turn to Tom when he groans, “Oh, good God, who now? Vegetable, mineral, or beast?”
“I’m not at liberty. To say. At present.”
Maggie faces forward again, placing her hands primly on her knees, out of things to say. Even as I extract from the envelope a gift certificate for a spa in Oxford (and silently thank Cecelia for knowing just what I need), my eyes are drawn to Maggie and Tom, who now sit next to each other like two owls sharing a stumpy tree branch, staring straight ahead. Maggie meets my eyes, brow furrowed.
But then Jamie leans over and whispers in my ear, “My gift will come later.”
I turn to him, raising an eyebrow, whispering back, “It better.”
“It’s not that.” His eyes drop to my mouth. “Well, it very well could be that.” He looks back up. “I have a present, of sorts. Rather silly and sentimental. Not for public consumption.”
Before I can reply, my phone rings. I dig it out of my pocket as the room goes quiet. “Don’t mind me!” I urge, and everyone resumes their conversations. Everyone except William, who continues to watch me. It’s like the Blenheim ball all over again. I stand and walk to a corner of the library as I answer. “Gavin.”
I’m greeted by a tinny, speakerphone rendition of “Happy Birthday.” Janet’s horribly off-key and Gavin’s deep bass drowns her out, but it’s still sweet of them. When they’re done, they applaud. For themselves. Why do people do that?
I laugh. “Very nice! Thank you. Both of you!”
“How old are you now?” Janet asks, a chuckle in her voice.
“Twenty-five.”
Gavin groans. “I have socks older than you.”
“Now, Gavin,” she reprimands. “This is actually good news. Her being twenty-five and all.”
“Why, Janet, you’re right. Very good news.”
My ear pricks, like hearing a different frequency. They sound rehearsed. Teasing and wink-wink-nudge-nudge. “How so?” I ask.
“Well . . .” Gavin sighs theatrically. “You know the trouble we’ve been having filling the deputy political director position.” God, do I. It’s practically all we’ve talked about for months now. Janet doesn’t like any of the people Gavin and I and everyone else have thrown at her and we’re running out of suggestions. “We’ve realized that there’s one detail, one quality, that none of them have.”
My mouth dries. “Oh yeah?”
“None of them have been twenty-five.”
“Not a one!” Janet chirps.
“And we’ve agreed that’s a deal breaker. We just can’t have someone who isn’t twenty-five.”
I feel as if the smile taking over my face is going to run right off it. “I completely agree,” I manage to say.
“Good,” Gavin says. “We thought you would.” Now they both laugh. “So, you’re in?”
It’s a funny thing, clocking the moment your life changes forever while it’s happening. Usually a moment’s significance only matters in retrospect. Seeing the exit you meant to take in the rearview mirror, that sort of thing. Not this time. I suppose it’s like seeing your boyfriend go down on one knee, or watching a plus sign appear on a pregnancy test. Or, on the other side of life, opening your front door to find a sad-eyed cop with his hat in his hand.
Which just makes me think of another birthday, twelve years ago. I push it down.
“I’m in! Thank you! Both of you!”
“Just remember,” Gavin says, his stern-father voice on. “Enjoy the rest of your time there. But, on June eleventh, the carriage turns into a pumpkin and the footmen into mice. You come home and help us change the world. We’re counting on you.”
“It’s a plan,” I answer.
We hang up and I float back to my friends in a daze. I sit down once again next to Jamie; he takes my hand.
He looks down at me, finally meeting my eye. A heat sparks there, a heat I haven’t seen in months. A heat that isn’t banked or contained. A heat like “Dover Beach.” Like the Buttery. Like his dining room. A heat with potentiality. “I love her, too,” he murmurs.
I don’t know why we can both say that so freely about his mother, but haven’t yet said it to each other, about each other. Maybe he doesn’t feel it. Maybe he’s just English. Maybe he’s protecting himself.
I know which reason is mine.
I go up on tiptoe. I kiss him softly. He kisses me back. Not so softly.
“Are you two coming?” Antonia calls from the hall.
Jamie groans in the back of his throat, like a discontented bear.
Antonia leads us back downstairs, describing the frescoes and the battle they depict (which even I can see is, in fact, a hunt). We stop in front of two solid oak doors.
“Last stop.” Antonia smiles. “The library. Where Jamie once locked his brother in a suit of armor.”
“He asked me to!”
“Overnight?”
I laugh. Antonia nods toward the doors. “You do the honors.”
I happily grab hold of the round knobs and push the double doors open with purpose, as if I were presenting mother and son to the room—
Why are there balloons?
Why are there streamers?
Why is William smiling?
What are they doing here?!
“Surprise!” everyone cries.
Charlie, Maggie, and Tom (wearing some kind of hunting outfit and waders) charge over and sweep me into a group hug. Tears spring to my eyes. Over Charlie’s shoulder I see Jamie’s smile become a laugh as he and Antonia embrace. I hear him say to his mother, “Completely surprised.”
“Couldn’t have come off better,” she confirms.
I disentangle one arm and reach out for them both. Jamie laces his fingers through mine. He leans forward and finds the space to kiss my cheek, warming me to my core, a roaring fire on a winter night. He planned this. Even though he was pissed at me, even though he didn’t want to come, he did this for me.
I love this man. I love everything about him.
I promise myself that I’m going to tell him that.
AFTER A BIRTHDAY tea in the library, I open presents. I get a collection of (used) philosophy books from Tom, a leather-bound journal from Maggie, and a bottle of fine Scotch from Charlie, which manages to get William’s nod of approval. Although he keeps leaving the room to take a call, he always comes back. While we haven’t said anything to each other, we’ve exchanged a number of tight smiles and nods. Progress?
Jamie hands me one final card. “From Ce.” I look at the envelope, my name written in cursive on the front. As I slip my finger under the flap, Jamie continues, “She desperately wanted to be here, but she had an obligation from which she couldn’t extricate herself.”
Maggie, sitting across from me on a love seat next to Tom, nudges him in the ribs. “How sad for you.”
Tom seems distracted, preoccupied. He’s still unable to meet Maggie’s eye. “Cecelia Knowles? Ancient history.”
Her mouth forms a confused moue, although she continues to tease him. “Oh, is that so?”
Tom nods tightly. “I’ve moved on. To more fertile ground.”
Charlie, who’s been inspecting the first editions around the room, doesn’t even have the wherewithal to turn to Tom when he groans, “Oh, good God, who now? Vegetable, mineral, or beast?”
“I’m not at liberty. To say. At present.”
Maggie faces forward again, placing her hands primly on her knees, out of things to say. Even as I extract from the envelope a gift certificate for a spa in Oxford (and silently thank Cecelia for knowing just what I need), my eyes are drawn to Maggie and Tom, who now sit next to each other like two owls sharing a stumpy tree branch, staring straight ahead. Maggie meets my eyes, brow furrowed.
But then Jamie leans over and whispers in my ear, “My gift will come later.”
I turn to him, raising an eyebrow, whispering back, “It better.”
“It’s not that.” His eyes drop to my mouth. “Well, it very well could be that.” He looks back up. “I have a present, of sorts. Rather silly and sentimental. Not for public consumption.”
Before I can reply, my phone rings. I dig it out of my pocket as the room goes quiet. “Don’t mind me!” I urge, and everyone resumes their conversations. Everyone except William, who continues to watch me. It’s like the Blenheim ball all over again. I stand and walk to a corner of the library as I answer. “Gavin.”
I’m greeted by a tinny, speakerphone rendition of “Happy Birthday.” Janet’s horribly off-key and Gavin’s deep bass drowns her out, but it’s still sweet of them. When they’re done, they applaud. For themselves. Why do people do that?
I laugh. “Very nice! Thank you. Both of you!”
“How old are you now?” Janet asks, a chuckle in her voice.
“Twenty-five.”
Gavin groans. “I have socks older than you.”
“Now, Gavin,” she reprimands. “This is actually good news. Her being twenty-five and all.”
“Why, Janet, you’re right. Very good news.”
My ear pricks, like hearing a different frequency. They sound rehearsed. Teasing and wink-wink-nudge-nudge. “How so?” I ask.
“Well . . .” Gavin sighs theatrically. “You know the trouble we’ve been having filling the deputy political director position.” God, do I. It’s practically all we’ve talked about for months now. Janet doesn’t like any of the people Gavin and I and everyone else have thrown at her and we’re running out of suggestions. “We’ve realized that there’s one detail, one quality, that none of them have.”
My mouth dries. “Oh yeah?”
“None of them have been twenty-five.”
“Not a one!” Janet chirps.
“And we’ve agreed that’s a deal breaker. We just can’t have someone who isn’t twenty-five.”
I feel as if the smile taking over my face is going to run right off it. “I completely agree,” I manage to say.
“Good,” Gavin says. “We thought you would.” Now they both laugh. “So, you’re in?”
It’s a funny thing, clocking the moment your life changes forever while it’s happening. Usually a moment’s significance only matters in retrospect. Seeing the exit you meant to take in the rearview mirror, that sort of thing. Not this time. I suppose it’s like seeing your boyfriend go down on one knee, or watching a plus sign appear on a pregnancy test. Or, on the other side of life, opening your front door to find a sad-eyed cop with his hat in his hand.
Which just makes me think of another birthday, twelve years ago. I push it down.
“I’m in! Thank you! Both of you!”
“Just remember,” Gavin says, his stern-father voice on. “Enjoy the rest of your time there. But, on June eleventh, the carriage turns into a pumpkin and the footmen into mice. You come home and help us change the world. We’re counting on you.”
“It’s a plan,” I answer.
We hang up and I float back to my friends in a daze. I sit down once again next to Jamie; he takes my hand.
