My Soul to Keep
Page 50
Maybe we didnt belong together.
Its like mental anesthesia, he continued, pleading with me silently to understand. The things that used to hurt He shrugged. Now theyre justnumb.
Numbness is a mercy? What kind of screwed-up perspective was that? Do you have any idea what Id give for more memories of my mother, Nash? What Id give to remember how she lived, and what it felt like when she died? And youre just throwing your past away!
Its not like that. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, in spite of the cold, sharp air. Im not losing the memories. Theyre still there.
What does that matter, if you cant feel them? Id never felt so frustrated or disappointed in my entire life. How could he let Avari have such an important part of himself?
Nash sighed again, and the small slip of air through his lips conveyed a devastating weight of hopelessness. Of despair. It was the only acceptable price, Kaylee. Its all I was willing to part with. And youd understand if you knew what he really wanted from me.
His soul? His blood? His service? That time I didnt ask. Those were all unacceptable prices for me, but Id never been in his position. What might I have given to save myself from the Creeper toxin, if we hadnt made it back to the human world in time? Certainly not my soul. But would I have given my memory-emotions in exchange for my life?
Depends on the memories in question
What memories, Nash? I demanded, suddenly afraid that hed set no limits on what Avari could take. Potty training? Pulling your first tooth? Your first independent bike ride? What did you lose?
He shook his head slowly. The most intense, he admitted finally. Only the ones with real value to me have value to him.
I took a deep, cold breath and it caught in my throat, stuck behind a sob. Us? I closed my eyes, blinking back tears when I remembered all the times in the past few days when his irises had abruptly gone still instead of swirling with emotion. Had he been remembering something all those times? Trying to feel what used to be there?
Do you still feel what you felt when we met? At Taboo? I stepped closer for a better look at his eyes, testing the most painful theory Id ever explored. When you calmed me so I wouldnt scream? When you figured out what I was? That I was like you?
His eyes swam in tears, but his irises held painfully steady. Not so much as a twitch of color shifting in the browns and greens Id always loved.
I swallowed thickly. Kissing me for the first time?
Nash closed his eyes to keep me from seeing the truth, and a whip of anger coiled tightly around my spine. No! Howcould he give that away? Did my most precious memories mean less to him than his next high?
What else had he sold?
Your dad dying? Tod dying? Do you feel what you felt when I was dying? I demanded at last, and when he shook his head, tears slipping from closed eyes, Id had all I could take.
Its all gone, Kaylee.
And so was I.
I shrugged out of his jacket and dropped it on the brick patio, gasping out loud when the cold hit me full force. The roar of my pulse in my ears drowned out the noise from the party as I ran across the stone path toward the quaint wooden gate.
Kaylee, please Nashs whisper hit my back with a last, desperate surge of Influence, but I stiffened my spine and kept going. I was too devastated by my own lossthe boyfriend who remembered why he loved meto worry about his.
I swiped scalding tears from my frozen cheeks when I stopped to shove the gate open and was jogging again by the time I rounded the front corner of the house, headed for my car. And for my human best friend, who would soothe me with junk food, though she could never understand the source of my pain.
But bleak panic hit the moment I spotted my car, two blocks down the street. The instant I saw the form leaning against my front passengers side door, that familiar dark terror wound its way around my spine, sending thick, hot fingers toward the base of my throat.
The beam from a streetlight shone on the bright red balloon clasped between two pale hands, but darkness slanted across their owners broad torso, leaving the face obscured. Why had Emma left the balloon unattended?
Kaylee, are you okay? Emma asked, and I whirled to see her close Dougs front door, already jogging down the steps toward me, wearing her jacket now. Wheres Nash?
I shook my head and clenched my jaw shut, unable to answer her without screaming as the death wail took me over. It wrapped around my throat like a thorn-spiked glove, and I tasted blood on the back of my tongue. This premonition was strong; he would die very, very soon.
I glanced pointedly from Emma to my car, trying to guide her gaze. To speak to her with only my eyes. But she wasnt Nash. She didnt understand.
Whats wrong, Kaylee?
Frustrated, I turned my back on her and ran for my car, racing toward death for the first time ever, because this time my effort wasnt pointless. Nash had said deaths caused by Netherworld elements were unscripted, so whoever he was, if Demons Breath was the problem, I could save himif I got there in time.
Id just passed the dark, silent house next door when the old wooden gate squealed open again and winter-dead grass crunched under someones feet. Whats wrong? Nash called out behind me.
Its like mental anesthesia, he continued, pleading with me silently to understand. The things that used to hurt He shrugged. Now theyre justnumb.
Numbness is a mercy? What kind of screwed-up perspective was that? Do you have any idea what Id give for more memories of my mother, Nash? What Id give to remember how she lived, and what it felt like when she died? And youre just throwing your past away!
Its not like that. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, in spite of the cold, sharp air. Im not losing the memories. Theyre still there.
What does that matter, if you cant feel them? Id never felt so frustrated or disappointed in my entire life. How could he let Avari have such an important part of himself?
Nash sighed again, and the small slip of air through his lips conveyed a devastating weight of hopelessness. Of despair. It was the only acceptable price, Kaylee. Its all I was willing to part with. And youd understand if you knew what he really wanted from me.
His soul? His blood? His service? That time I didnt ask. Those were all unacceptable prices for me, but Id never been in his position. What might I have given to save myself from the Creeper toxin, if we hadnt made it back to the human world in time? Certainly not my soul. But would I have given my memory-emotions in exchange for my life?
Depends on the memories in question
What memories, Nash? I demanded, suddenly afraid that hed set no limits on what Avari could take. Potty training? Pulling your first tooth? Your first independent bike ride? What did you lose?
He shook his head slowly. The most intense, he admitted finally. Only the ones with real value to me have value to him.
I took a deep, cold breath and it caught in my throat, stuck behind a sob. Us? I closed my eyes, blinking back tears when I remembered all the times in the past few days when his irises had abruptly gone still instead of swirling with emotion. Had he been remembering something all those times? Trying to feel what used to be there?
Do you still feel what you felt when we met? At Taboo? I stepped closer for a better look at his eyes, testing the most painful theory Id ever explored. When you calmed me so I wouldnt scream? When you figured out what I was? That I was like you?
His eyes swam in tears, but his irises held painfully steady. Not so much as a twitch of color shifting in the browns and greens Id always loved.
I swallowed thickly. Kissing me for the first time?
Nash closed his eyes to keep me from seeing the truth, and a whip of anger coiled tightly around my spine. No! Howcould he give that away? Did my most precious memories mean less to him than his next high?
What else had he sold?
Your dad dying? Tod dying? Do you feel what you felt when I was dying? I demanded at last, and when he shook his head, tears slipping from closed eyes, Id had all I could take.
Its all gone, Kaylee.
And so was I.
I shrugged out of his jacket and dropped it on the brick patio, gasping out loud when the cold hit me full force. The roar of my pulse in my ears drowned out the noise from the party as I ran across the stone path toward the quaint wooden gate.
Kaylee, please Nashs whisper hit my back with a last, desperate surge of Influence, but I stiffened my spine and kept going. I was too devastated by my own lossthe boyfriend who remembered why he loved meto worry about his.
I swiped scalding tears from my frozen cheeks when I stopped to shove the gate open and was jogging again by the time I rounded the front corner of the house, headed for my car. And for my human best friend, who would soothe me with junk food, though she could never understand the source of my pain.
But bleak panic hit the moment I spotted my car, two blocks down the street. The instant I saw the form leaning against my front passengers side door, that familiar dark terror wound its way around my spine, sending thick, hot fingers toward the base of my throat.
The beam from a streetlight shone on the bright red balloon clasped between two pale hands, but darkness slanted across their owners broad torso, leaving the face obscured. Why had Emma left the balloon unattended?
Kaylee, are you okay? Emma asked, and I whirled to see her close Dougs front door, already jogging down the steps toward me, wearing her jacket now. Wheres Nash?
I shook my head and clenched my jaw shut, unable to answer her without screaming as the death wail took me over. It wrapped around my throat like a thorn-spiked glove, and I tasted blood on the back of my tongue. This premonition was strong; he would die very, very soon.
I glanced pointedly from Emma to my car, trying to guide her gaze. To speak to her with only my eyes. But she wasnt Nash. She didnt understand.
Whats wrong, Kaylee?
Frustrated, I turned my back on her and ran for my car, racing toward death for the first time ever, because this time my effort wasnt pointless. Nash had said deaths caused by Netherworld elements were unscripted, so whoever he was, if Demons Breath was the problem, I could save himif I got there in time.
Id just passed the dark, silent house next door when the old wooden gate squealed open again and winter-dead grass crunched under someones feet. Whats wrong? Nash called out behind me.
