My Soul to Keep
Page 84
But taking him home was as far ahead as Id planned.
When I dropped the keys in my lap, Nash twisted in his seat to face me. What now? His skin was pale and damp with sweat, in spite of the temperature, but his eyes were clear. He was coherent, and withdrawal hadnt set in yet. If we were going to talk, this was the time.
I dont know. I fiddled with the key bauble, trying to bring my scattered thoughts into focus. But they didnt want to focus. They wanted to remain mercifully blurry, so I wouldnt have to come to terms with what Id almost lost. What I might still have to give up.
Kaylee
Inside. I shoved open my car door without looking at him. I dont want to do this here. In the driveway. Within sight of any neighbors who happened to peek out the window.
I locked the car while he unlocked the house. He held his front door open, then closed it behind me after I brushed past him into the living room. I followed him down the hall and into his roomwe both knew the way, even in the darkthen closed the door at my back. I didnt think Harmony would mind this time, even if shed been home. My plans for the evening included neither Nashs hands, nor his bed.
Nash kicked his shoes into the corner, then pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. He collapsed onto the bed, leaning against his headboard, but for once I wasnt tempted by the display. Nash looked like hell.
Avari had nearly drained him.
I pulled out his desk chair and sat, swiveling to face him. Without taking off my coat. Nash, I dont know where to st
Im sorry. Kaylee, Im so sorry. He looked like he wanted to touch me, but knew better than to try. I dont even know how to tell you how sorry I am. He watched me, studying my reaction, but I could only stare at my hands in my lap, blinking away unshed tears. But thats not enough, is it?
Two months earlier, it would have been. Nash had been the sun lighting up the horizon of my life, outshining everything else in my world. Id thought once that he was too good to be true.
Turns out I was right.
Kaylee? he asked, and his voice was like thin, brittle glass. One heavy word from me, and he would shatter.
I dont know. I made myself look at him, though the pain and regret swirling in his eyes bruised me, deep inside. I didnt want to be the cause of so much suffering. But I didnt want to feel it, either, and he wasnt the only one hurting.
You lied to me.
I know. I lied to everyone. His voice echoed with shame, but it wasnt enough. Regret couldnt fix what hed broken. Apologies couldnt bring back what hed lost. What wed lost.
But you lied to me, Nash. I swallowed more tears andcleared my throat. You said you loved me. Then you lied to me, you Influenced me, you tried to make me sound crazy in front of my dad, and you let Avari possess me and doI cant even imagine whatwith my body.
Kaylee, Im
I sat straighter, anger overwhelming everything else for the moment. Dont say youre sorry. That wont fix this. I wasnt sure anything could fix thisnow.
But if Id been paying more attention If Id thought more about Nash and less about being grounded, Id have seen what was happening before it got so bad. If Id watched him as closely as Id watched his loser friends, whod started using of their own free will If Id told my dad earlier If Id never taken those stupid balloons to the Netherworld in the first place
There were a million what-ifs that could have stopped the whole thing. A million things I wished Id done differently. But in the end, I was left with what actually happened. With my mistakes and his.
And with the question of which mistakes I could live with.
How many times? I demanded, so soft I barely heard my own words. I picked at my cuticles because I couldnt stand to watch him struggle for an answer. How many times did you let himuse me?
Nash sighed, and the bed creaked as he moved closer, but I didnt look up. I dont know. I wasnt counting. I was trying to forget.
You should have been trying to stop him. Make a guess. I rolled away from the bed until the chair back hit the desktop.
I didnt see you very often when you were grounded. Somaybe once a week. Until the last week of school.
Twice that week? I asked, and Nash nodded miserably.
So, six times?
He shrugged. I guess so.
What did I do? I demanded, far from sure I really wanted the answer.
Kaylee, you dont want to
No, you dont want to, I snapped. Because the guilt was killing him. I could see that. But I needed to know. Tell me.
Most of the time, he just talked through you. Told me where and when to meet Everett. Made me remember things, so he could take his payment. A concept which horrified me to no end.
But it was more than that once, right? Unless Avari was lying. Please, please let him be lying
Nash closed his eyes and let his skull thump into the headboard. The first time. He opened his eyes and met my gaze so I could see the earnest colors swirling in his irises. The brutal honesty. I didnt know what was going on, Kaylee. I swear, I had no idea. I didnt even know it was possible.
When I dropped the keys in my lap, Nash twisted in his seat to face me. What now? His skin was pale and damp with sweat, in spite of the temperature, but his eyes were clear. He was coherent, and withdrawal hadnt set in yet. If we were going to talk, this was the time.
I dont know. I fiddled with the key bauble, trying to bring my scattered thoughts into focus. But they didnt want to focus. They wanted to remain mercifully blurry, so I wouldnt have to come to terms with what Id almost lost. What I might still have to give up.
Kaylee
Inside. I shoved open my car door without looking at him. I dont want to do this here. In the driveway. Within sight of any neighbors who happened to peek out the window.
I locked the car while he unlocked the house. He held his front door open, then closed it behind me after I brushed past him into the living room. I followed him down the hall and into his roomwe both knew the way, even in the darkthen closed the door at my back. I didnt think Harmony would mind this time, even if shed been home. My plans for the evening included neither Nashs hands, nor his bed.
Nash kicked his shoes into the corner, then pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. He collapsed onto the bed, leaning against his headboard, but for once I wasnt tempted by the display. Nash looked like hell.
Avari had nearly drained him.
I pulled out his desk chair and sat, swiveling to face him. Without taking off my coat. Nash, I dont know where to st
Im sorry. Kaylee, Im so sorry. He looked like he wanted to touch me, but knew better than to try. I dont even know how to tell you how sorry I am. He watched me, studying my reaction, but I could only stare at my hands in my lap, blinking away unshed tears. But thats not enough, is it?
Two months earlier, it would have been. Nash had been the sun lighting up the horizon of my life, outshining everything else in my world. Id thought once that he was too good to be true.
Turns out I was right.
Kaylee? he asked, and his voice was like thin, brittle glass. One heavy word from me, and he would shatter.
I dont know. I made myself look at him, though the pain and regret swirling in his eyes bruised me, deep inside. I didnt want to be the cause of so much suffering. But I didnt want to feel it, either, and he wasnt the only one hurting.
You lied to me.
I know. I lied to everyone. His voice echoed with shame, but it wasnt enough. Regret couldnt fix what hed broken. Apologies couldnt bring back what hed lost. What wed lost.
But you lied to me, Nash. I swallowed more tears andcleared my throat. You said you loved me. Then you lied to me, you Influenced me, you tried to make me sound crazy in front of my dad, and you let Avari possess me and doI cant even imagine whatwith my body.
Kaylee, Im
I sat straighter, anger overwhelming everything else for the moment. Dont say youre sorry. That wont fix this. I wasnt sure anything could fix thisnow.
But if Id been paying more attention If Id thought more about Nash and less about being grounded, Id have seen what was happening before it got so bad. If Id watched him as closely as Id watched his loser friends, whod started using of their own free will If Id told my dad earlier If Id never taken those stupid balloons to the Netherworld in the first place
There were a million what-ifs that could have stopped the whole thing. A million things I wished Id done differently. But in the end, I was left with what actually happened. With my mistakes and his.
And with the question of which mistakes I could live with.
How many times? I demanded, so soft I barely heard my own words. I picked at my cuticles because I couldnt stand to watch him struggle for an answer. How many times did you let himuse me?
Nash sighed, and the bed creaked as he moved closer, but I didnt look up. I dont know. I wasnt counting. I was trying to forget.
You should have been trying to stop him. Make a guess. I rolled away from the bed until the chair back hit the desktop.
I didnt see you very often when you were grounded. Somaybe once a week. Until the last week of school.
Twice that week? I asked, and Nash nodded miserably.
So, six times?
He shrugged. I guess so.
What did I do? I demanded, far from sure I really wanted the answer.
Kaylee, you dont want to
No, you dont want to, I snapped. Because the guilt was killing him. I could see that. But I needed to know. Tell me.
Most of the time, he just talked through you. Told me where and when to meet Everett. Made me remember things, so he could take his payment. A concept which horrified me to no end.
But it was more than that once, right? Unless Avari was lying. Please, please let him be lying
Nash closed his eyes and let his skull thump into the headboard. The first time. He opened his eyes and met my gaze so I could see the earnest colors swirling in his irises. The brutal honesty. I didnt know what was going on, Kaylee. I swear, I had no idea. I didnt even know it was possible.
