My Soul to Lose
Page 3
I think Im good, I said, when I realized that no traces remained of the shadowed horror Id glimpsed earlier. Lets go.
The boutique Em wanted to hit first was upstairs, so we left our hats and sherbet-colored pants in the dressing room and laughed our way through Sears until we found the in-store escalator.
Im gonna wait until everyones theretill the dance floors totally packedthen Ill press up really close to him. Clutching the rubber handrail, Emma twisted to face me from the tread above, a mischievous grin lighting up her eyes. Then when hes really happy to see me, Ill yank his zipper, shove him back, and start screaming. Theyll probably throw him out of the dance. Hell, maybe theyll expel him from school.
Or call the cops. I frowned as we stepped off the scrolling stairs and into the bed-and-bath department. They wouldnt do that, would they?
She shrugged. Depends on whos chaperoning. If its Coach Tucker, Tobys screwed. Shell stomp his balls into the ground before he even has a chance to zip up.
My frown deepened as I ran my hand across the end of a display bed piled high with fancy pillows. I was all for humiliating Toby, and I was certainly up for wounding his pride. But as satisfying as the whole thing sounded, getting him arrested hardly seemed like a fitting consequence for dumping me the week before homecoming. Maybe we should rethink that last part
It was your idea. Emma pouted.
I know, but I froze, and my hand flew to my neck as a familiar ache began at the base of my throat.
No. Noooo!
I stumbled back against the bed, suddenly swallowed whole by a morbid certainty so vicious I could hardly draw my next breath. Terror washed over me, a bitter wave of anguish. Of grief I couldnt understand, or even place. Kaylee? Are you okay? Emma stepped in front of me, half blocking me from the other shoppers sight, and lowered her voice dramatically. Its happening again?
I could only nod. My throat felt tight. Hot. Something heavy coiled in my stomach and slithered toward my throat. My skin crawled with the movement. Any moment, that swelling screech would demand freedom and I would fight to contain it.
One of us was going to lose.
Emmas grip tightened on her purse and I recognized the helpless fear in her eyes. They probably reflected my own. Should we go?
I shook my head and forced out two last whispered words. Too late
My throat burned. My eyes watered. My head swam with pain, with echoes of the shriek now trying to claw its way out of me. If I didnt let it, it would tear me apart.
Nononono! It cant be. I dont see it!
But there it wasacross the aisle,surrounded by rainbow-hued mountains of bath towels. A deep shadow, like a cocoon of gloom. Who is it? But there were too many people. I couldnt see who swam in that darkness, who wore shadows like a second skin.
I didnt want to see.
I closed my eyes, and shapeless, boundless terror closed in on me from all sides. Suffocating me. That bitter grief was too hard to fight in the dark, so I forced my eyes open again, but that did little good. The panic was too strong this time. Darkness was too close. A few steps to the left, and I could touch it. Could slide my hand into that nest of shadows.
Kaylee?
I shook my head because if I opened my mouthor even unclenched my jawsthe scream would rip its way free. I couldnt force myself to meet Emmas eyes. I couldnt tear my gaze from the shadows coalescing aroundsomeone.
Then the crowd shifted. Parted. And I saw.
No.
At first, my mind refused to translate the images sent from my eyes. Refused to let me understand. But that blissful ignorance was much too brief.
It was a kid. The one in the wheelchair, from the food court. His thin arms lay in his lap, his feet all but swallowed by a pair of bright blue sneakers. Dull brown eyes peered from a pale, swollen face. His head was bare. Bald. Shiny.
It was too much.
The shriek exploded from my gut and ripped my mouth open on its way out. It felt like someone was pulling barbed wire from my throat, then shoving it through my ears, straight into my head.
Everyone around me froze. Then hands flew to cover unprotected ears. Bodies whirled to face me. Emma stumbled back, shocked. Scared. Shed never heard itId always avoided catastrophe with her help.
Kaylee? Her lips moved, but I couldnt hear her. I couldnt hear anything over my own screaming.
I shook my head. I wanted to tell her to gothat she couldnt help me. But I couldnt even think anymore. I could only shriek, tears pouring down my face, my jaws open so wide they hurt. But I couldnt close them. Couldnt make it stop. Couldnt even dial back the volume.
People moved all around me now. Mothers let go of their ears to herd their kids away, foreheads furrowed with the headache we all shared. Like a spear through the brain.
GoI thought, silently begging the bald childs mother to push him away. But she stood frozen, both horrified and somehow transfixed by my audio onslaught.
Motion to my right drew my attention. Two men in khaki uniforms ran toward me, one yelling into a two-way radio, his free hand over his other ear. I only knew he was yelling because his face was flushed with the effort.
The men pulled Emma out of the way, and she let them. They tried to talk to me, but I couldnt hear them. Couldnt make out more than a few words from their silent lips.
The boutique Em wanted to hit first was upstairs, so we left our hats and sherbet-colored pants in the dressing room and laughed our way through Sears until we found the in-store escalator.
Im gonna wait until everyones theretill the dance floors totally packedthen Ill press up really close to him. Clutching the rubber handrail, Emma twisted to face me from the tread above, a mischievous grin lighting up her eyes. Then when hes really happy to see me, Ill yank his zipper, shove him back, and start screaming. Theyll probably throw him out of the dance. Hell, maybe theyll expel him from school.
Or call the cops. I frowned as we stepped off the scrolling stairs and into the bed-and-bath department. They wouldnt do that, would they?
She shrugged. Depends on whos chaperoning. If its Coach Tucker, Tobys screwed. Shell stomp his balls into the ground before he even has a chance to zip up.
My frown deepened as I ran my hand across the end of a display bed piled high with fancy pillows. I was all for humiliating Toby, and I was certainly up for wounding his pride. But as satisfying as the whole thing sounded, getting him arrested hardly seemed like a fitting consequence for dumping me the week before homecoming. Maybe we should rethink that last part
It was your idea. Emma pouted.
I know, but I froze, and my hand flew to my neck as a familiar ache began at the base of my throat.
No. Noooo!
I stumbled back against the bed, suddenly swallowed whole by a morbid certainty so vicious I could hardly draw my next breath. Terror washed over me, a bitter wave of anguish. Of grief I couldnt understand, or even place. Kaylee? Are you okay? Emma stepped in front of me, half blocking me from the other shoppers sight, and lowered her voice dramatically. Its happening again?
I could only nod. My throat felt tight. Hot. Something heavy coiled in my stomach and slithered toward my throat. My skin crawled with the movement. Any moment, that swelling screech would demand freedom and I would fight to contain it.
One of us was going to lose.
Emmas grip tightened on her purse and I recognized the helpless fear in her eyes. They probably reflected my own. Should we go?
I shook my head and forced out two last whispered words. Too late
My throat burned. My eyes watered. My head swam with pain, with echoes of the shriek now trying to claw its way out of me. If I didnt let it, it would tear me apart.
Nononono! It cant be. I dont see it!
But there it wasacross the aisle,surrounded by rainbow-hued mountains of bath towels. A deep shadow, like a cocoon of gloom. Who is it? But there were too many people. I couldnt see who swam in that darkness, who wore shadows like a second skin.
I didnt want to see.
I closed my eyes, and shapeless, boundless terror closed in on me from all sides. Suffocating me. That bitter grief was too hard to fight in the dark, so I forced my eyes open again, but that did little good. The panic was too strong this time. Darkness was too close. A few steps to the left, and I could touch it. Could slide my hand into that nest of shadows.
Kaylee?
I shook my head because if I opened my mouthor even unclenched my jawsthe scream would rip its way free. I couldnt force myself to meet Emmas eyes. I couldnt tear my gaze from the shadows coalescing aroundsomeone.
Then the crowd shifted. Parted. And I saw.
No.
At first, my mind refused to translate the images sent from my eyes. Refused to let me understand. But that blissful ignorance was much too brief.
It was a kid. The one in the wheelchair, from the food court. His thin arms lay in his lap, his feet all but swallowed by a pair of bright blue sneakers. Dull brown eyes peered from a pale, swollen face. His head was bare. Bald. Shiny.
It was too much.
The shriek exploded from my gut and ripped my mouth open on its way out. It felt like someone was pulling barbed wire from my throat, then shoving it through my ears, straight into my head.
Everyone around me froze. Then hands flew to cover unprotected ears. Bodies whirled to face me. Emma stumbled back, shocked. Scared. Shed never heard itId always avoided catastrophe with her help.
Kaylee? Her lips moved, but I couldnt hear her. I couldnt hear anything over my own screaming.
I shook my head. I wanted to tell her to gothat she couldnt help me. But I couldnt even think anymore. I could only shriek, tears pouring down my face, my jaws open so wide they hurt. But I couldnt close them. Couldnt make it stop. Couldnt even dial back the volume.
People moved all around me now. Mothers let go of their ears to herd their kids away, foreheads furrowed with the headache we all shared. Like a spear through the brain.
GoI thought, silently begging the bald childs mother to push him away. But she stood frozen, both horrified and somehow transfixed by my audio onslaught.
Motion to my right drew my attention. Two men in khaki uniforms ran toward me, one yelling into a two-way radio, his free hand over his other ear. I only knew he was yelling because his face was flushed with the effort.
The men pulled Emma out of the way, and she let them. They tried to talk to me, but I couldnt hear them. Couldnt make out more than a few words from their silent lips.
