My Soul to Lose
Page 9
Like its easy on me?
But were both coming to see you tonight.
Except I would be out by then, even if I had to get down on my knees and beg her to take me home. If I had to wake up here again, Id lose my mind. Assuming I hadnt already.
Promise? I hadnt asked her to promise me anything since I was nine.
Of course. We just want to help you, Kaylee.
Yet somehow, I didnt feel very comforted.
I waited in the common area, stubbornly resisting the jigsaw puzzles and crossword books stacked on a shelf in the corner. I wouldnt be here long enough to finish one anyway. Instead, I stared at the TV, wishing theyd at least show some good cartoons. But if there was a remote available, I had no idea where to find it.
A commercial came on and my attention wandered, in spite of my best efforts to ignore my fellow patients. Lydia sat across the room from me, not even pretending to watch the television. She was watching me.
I stared back at her. She didnt smile. She didnt speak. She just watched, and not with an unfocused stare, which was obviously all some of the residents were capable of. Lydia actually seemed to be observing me, like she was looking for something in particular. What, I had no idea.
Weird, isnt it? Mandy dropped into the chair on my left, and air whooshed from the cushion. The way she stares.
I glanced up to find her looking across the room at Lydia. No weirder than anything else here. And frankly, I wasnt looking to make conversationor friendswith someone who stuffed forks down her pants.
Shes a ward of the court. Mandy bit into a half-eaten chocolate bar, then continued with her mouth full. Never talks. You ask me, shes the strangest one here.
I had serious doubts about that.
Whatre you here for? Her gaze traveled south of my face, then back up. Let me guess. Youre either manic depressive, or anorexic.
Inside, my temper boiled, but I was proud by how calm my reply sounded. I dont talk either.
She stared at me for a second, then burst into a harsh, barking laugh.
Mandy, why dont you find something constructive to do? A familiar voice said, and I glanced up to find Paul standing in the wide doorway, holding
My suitcase!
I sprang from the couch, and he held the rolling bag out to me. I thought that might make you smile.
In fact, I was oddly excited and relieved. If I had to be locked up, at least I could be miserable in my own clothes. But then my enthusiasm flashed out like a burned-up bulb when I realized what that suitcase meant. Aunt Val had dropped off my clothes without coming in to see me.
Shed left meagain.
I took the bag and headed back to my room, where I dropped the suitcase on the floor beside the bed, unopened. Paul followed me, but stopped in the doorway. I sank onto the bed, battling tears, my suitcase forgotten in spite of the rough scrub bottoms chaffing me in all the wrong places.
She couldnt stay, Paul said. Apparently my emotions were as transparent as the tempered glass windows. Wouldnt my therapist be pleased? Visiting hours dont start until seven.
Whatever. If shed wanted to see me, she would have, even if it was just for a few minutes. My aunts tenacity was a thing of legends.
Hey, dont let this place get to you, okay? Ive seen a lot of kids lose their souls in here, and Id hate to see that happen to you. He ducked his head, trying to draw eye contact, but I only nodded, staring at the floor. Your aunt and uncle will be back tonight.
Yeah, but that didnt mean theyd take me home. It didnt mean anything at all.
When Paul left, I heaved my suitcase onto the bed and unzipped it, eager to wear, see, and smell something familiar. After just a few hours at Lakeside, I was already terrified of losing myself. Of fading into the glazed eyes, slow steps, and empty stares all around me. I needed something from real lifefrom my world outside this roomthat would help me hold on to me. So I was completely unprepared for the contents of my bag.
Nothing in it was mine. The clothes still had price tags dangling from waistbands and collars.
Fighting back fresh tears, I lifted the first piece from the suitcase: a pair of soft pink jogging pants with a wide, gathered waistband and a complicated arrangement of flowers embroidered over one hip. At the front were two holes where the drawstring should have been. Itd been snipped and removed so I couldnt hang myself with it. The suitcase held a matching top, along with an entire collection of clothes Id never even seen. They were all expensive, and comfortable, and perfectly coordinated.
What is this, psycho chic? What was wrong with my own jeans and tees?
The truth was that, in her own twisted way, Aunt Val was probably trying to cheer me up with new clothes. That might have worked for Sophie, but how could she not understand that it wouldnt work for me?
Suddenly pissed beyond words, I stripped and tossed the borrowed scrubs into a pile in the corner of the room, then ripped open a five-pack of underwear and stepped into the first pair. Then I dug through my bag for anything that didnt look like something Martha Stewart would wear on house arrest. The best I found was a plainish purple jogging suit at the bottom of the pile. Only once I had it on did I realize the fabric glittered beneath the light over my bed.
But were both coming to see you tonight.
Except I would be out by then, even if I had to get down on my knees and beg her to take me home. If I had to wake up here again, Id lose my mind. Assuming I hadnt already.
Promise? I hadnt asked her to promise me anything since I was nine.
Of course. We just want to help you, Kaylee.
Yet somehow, I didnt feel very comforted.
I waited in the common area, stubbornly resisting the jigsaw puzzles and crossword books stacked on a shelf in the corner. I wouldnt be here long enough to finish one anyway. Instead, I stared at the TV, wishing theyd at least show some good cartoons. But if there was a remote available, I had no idea where to find it.
A commercial came on and my attention wandered, in spite of my best efforts to ignore my fellow patients. Lydia sat across the room from me, not even pretending to watch the television. She was watching me.
I stared back at her. She didnt smile. She didnt speak. She just watched, and not with an unfocused stare, which was obviously all some of the residents were capable of. Lydia actually seemed to be observing me, like she was looking for something in particular. What, I had no idea.
Weird, isnt it? Mandy dropped into the chair on my left, and air whooshed from the cushion. The way she stares.
I glanced up to find her looking across the room at Lydia. No weirder than anything else here. And frankly, I wasnt looking to make conversationor friendswith someone who stuffed forks down her pants.
Shes a ward of the court. Mandy bit into a half-eaten chocolate bar, then continued with her mouth full. Never talks. You ask me, shes the strangest one here.
I had serious doubts about that.
Whatre you here for? Her gaze traveled south of my face, then back up. Let me guess. Youre either manic depressive, or anorexic.
Inside, my temper boiled, but I was proud by how calm my reply sounded. I dont talk either.
She stared at me for a second, then burst into a harsh, barking laugh.
Mandy, why dont you find something constructive to do? A familiar voice said, and I glanced up to find Paul standing in the wide doorway, holding
My suitcase!
I sprang from the couch, and he held the rolling bag out to me. I thought that might make you smile.
In fact, I was oddly excited and relieved. If I had to be locked up, at least I could be miserable in my own clothes. But then my enthusiasm flashed out like a burned-up bulb when I realized what that suitcase meant. Aunt Val had dropped off my clothes without coming in to see me.
Shed left meagain.
I took the bag and headed back to my room, where I dropped the suitcase on the floor beside the bed, unopened. Paul followed me, but stopped in the doorway. I sank onto the bed, battling tears, my suitcase forgotten in spite of the rough scrub bottoms chaffing me in all the wrong places.
She couldnt stay, Paul said. Apparently my emotions were as transparent as the tempered glass windows. Wouldnt my therapist be pleased? Visiting hours dont start until seven.
Whatever. If shed wanted to see me, she would have, even if it was just for a few minutes. My aunts tenacity was a thing of legends.
Hey, dont let this place get to you, okay? Ive seen a lot of kids lose their souls in here, and Id hate to see that happen to you. He ducked his head, trying to draw eye contact, but I only nodded, staring at the floor. Your aunt and uncle will be back tonight.
Yeah, but that didnt mean theyd take me home. It didnt mean anything at all.
When Paul left, I heaved my suitcase onto the bed and unzipped it, eager to wear, see, and smell something familiar. After just a few hours at Lakeside, I was already terrified of losing myself. Of fading into the glazed eyes, slow steps, and empty stares all around me. I needed something from real lifefrom my world outside this roomthat would help me hold on to me. So I was completely unprepared for the contents of my bag.
Nothing in it was mine. The clothes still had price tags dangling from waistbands and collars.
Fighting back fresh tears, I lifted the first piece from the suitcase: a pair of soft pink jogging pants with a wide, gathered waistband and a complicated arrangement of flowers embroidered over one hip. At the front were two holes where the drawstring should have been. Itd been snipped and removed so I couldnt hang myself with it. The suitcase held a matching top, along with an entire collection of clothes Id never even seen. They were all expensive, and comfortable, and perfectly coordinated.
What is this, psycho chic? What was wrong with my own jeans and tees?
The truth was that, in her own twisted way, Aunt Val was probably trying to cheer me up with new clothes. That might have worked for Sophie, but how could she not understand that it wouldnt work for me?
Suddenly pissed beyond words, I stripped and tossed the borrowed scrubs into a pile in the corner of the room, then ripped open a five-pack of underwear and stepped into the first pair. Then I dug through my bag for anything that didnt look like something Martha Stewart would wear on house arrest. The best I found was a plainish purple jogging suit at the bottom of the pile. Only once I had it on did I realize the fabric glittered beneath the light over my bed.
