My Soul to Steal
Page 15
I opened my mouth to ask who he could possibly have hired as a Netherworld ferry, but he continued before I could.
Dont ask. There are places you can go. Peoplekind ofwho will do it for the right price.
Fresh chill bumps crawled over my skin, followed by a bitter wash of revulsion. I hated it that he even knew things like that.
But my point, Nash continued, is that I was trying to talk myself out of it when she showed up on my porch. And we just talked. I swear thats all that happened, but it was enough. She gave me something to think about, other than how badly I wanted a hit, or an hour alone with you.
So shes a substitute for me? Suddenly my throat felt thick and hot. Bruised by the words I made myself swallow. How was I supposed to trust the two of them alone together, knowing that? Thats not fair, Nash. I cant
I know. Youre not ready to be alone with me, and I understand that. I deserve it. But I need someone, Kaylee. I need a friend. And in case you havent noticed, no one else is exactly beating down the door to talk to me right now. His wide-armed gesture took in the entire table, still empty except for us.
They just dont know what to say, I insisted. People never know what to say when someone close to you dies, and its even worse this time, thanks to the rumors about Scott. Half the student body thought he and I were cheating on Nash and my cousin, Sophie, and that wed been caught the day of Scotts infamous breakdown.
I know, but that doesnt change anything. Ive been alone and sick from withdrawal for two weeks, and when I get back to school, people just stare at me and whisper.
I get it. How could I not? But I had Emma and Alec to help distract me from Nashs absence. And even Tod had been coming around more lately What about Tod? I asked, as the thought occurred to me. Why cant you just hang out with your brother?
Because he wont talk to me. I havent even seen him since that night. After the Winter Carnival. When hed punched Nash for letting Avari possess me over and over. Since he cant do anything else for Addy, hes decided that hes your white knight, and I dont think hes going to forgive me until you do.
Wow. I had no idea.
Nash leaned forward and crossed his arms over the table, staring directly into my eyes. Im not making a play for your sympathy. I know I got myself into this. But I need someone to talk tosomeone to just hang out withand I know youre not ready to play that role for me yet. But Sabine is. And she needs me for the same reason. Shes new here, and she doesnt know anyone else, and shes trying to pull herselftogether. Just like I am.
I held his gaze, my next question stalled on my tongue, where I wanted it to wither and die. But I had to know. Did you love her, Nash?
His pause was barely noticeable. But I noticed. Yeah. We were only fifteen, but yeah, I loved her. He blinked, then met my gaze again, letting me see the truth swirling in his. But that was years ago. Shes just a friend now, Kaylee.
My leg bounced under the table, uncontrollably. Have you told her that?
Yeah. And eventually, itll actually sink in. Look, I know she makes you uncomfortable, and Im sorry about that. And if its going to mean losing my second chance with you, Ill tell her to go away. But Im asking you not to make me do that.
I bristled. I cant make you do anything, Nash. Though the same could not be said for him and his Influence.
He frowned. You know what I mean.
You want my blessing to strike up a friendship with your ex-girlfriend. The first girl you ever slept with, whos still in love with you and doesnt even deny it. Does that sum it up?
Another long exhale. Yeah. I think that covers it.
If I said yes, Id be giving him permission to spend time with his hot, willing ex. If I said no, Id be denying him what he needs to work through his addiction.
How did I even get into this mess?
Hed left me no real choice, unless I was ready to let him go. Or willing to pretend that the past six weeks of my life had never happened. And I couldnt do that, even if I wanted to. Not yet.
Fine. Hang out with Sabine. But if this thing goes beyond friendship and support
Ill what? Leave him to find solace in her arms? Or her bed? Thats exactly what she wanted, and in spite of Nashs good intentions, it wouldnt take him long to get over me, considering the kind of comfort shed offer. I had no doubt of that.
It wont, Nash insisted, saving me from grasping for a viable threat, and I hated the sudden surge of relief in his eyes. How could he not see what she was really like?
Whatever. But dont expect me to spend time with the two of you. Though maybe Tod would, if I asked him. He couldnt watch them every second, but surely hed see enough to report back on the true nature of their relationship.
Great, now Im spying on Nash. I should have been ashamed. Instead, I was justscared. Scared of losing himeven though Id pushed him awaybecause now she was there to catch him.
Justbe careful, okay? You may be looking for some kind of Netherworldly AA sponsor, but shes looking for trouble. I saw it in her eyes.
Dont ask. There are places you can go. Peoplekind ofwho will do it for the right price.
Fresh chill bumps crawled over my skin, followed by a bitter wash of revulsion. I hated it that he even knew things like that.
But my point, Nash continued, is that I was trying to talk myself out of it when she showed up on my porch. And we just talked. I swear thats all that happened, but it was enough. She gave me something to think about, other than how badly I wanted a hit, or an hour alone with you.
So shes a substitute for me? Suddenly my throat felt thick and hot. Bruised by the words I made myself swallow. How was I supposed to trust the two of them alone together, knowing that? Thats not fair, Nash. I cant
I know. Youre not ready to be alone with me, and I understand that. I deserve it. But I need someone, Kaylee. I need a friend. And in case you havent noticed, no one else is exactly beating down the door to talk to me right now. His wide-armed gesture took in the entire table, still empty except for us.
They just dont know what to say, I insisted. People never know what to say when someone close to you dies, and its even worse this time, thanks to the rumors about Scott. Half the student body thought he and I were cheating on Nash and my cousin, Sophie, and that wed been caught the day of Scotts infamous breakdown.
I know, but that doesnt change anything. Ive been alone and sick from withdrawal for two weeks, and when I get back to school, people just stare at me and whisper.
I get it. How could I not? But I had Emma and Alec to help distract me from Nashs absence. And even Tod had been coming around more lately What about Tod? I asked, as the thought occurred to me. Why cant you just hang out with your brother?
Because he wont talk to me. I havent even seen him since that night. After the Winter Carnival. When hed punched Nash for letting Avari possess me over and over. Since he cant do anything else for Addy, hes decided that hes your white knight, and I dont think hes going to forgive me until you do.
Wow. I had no idea.
Nash leaned forward and crossed his arms over the table, staring directly into my eyes. Im not making a play for your sympathy. I know I got myself into this. But I need someone to talk tosomeone to just hang out withand I know youre not ready to play that role for me yet. But Sabine is. And she needs me for the same reason. Shes new here, and she doesnt know anyone else, and shes trying to pull herselftogether. Just like I am.
I held his gaze, my next question stalled on my tongue, where I wanted it to wither and die. But I had to know. Did you love her, Nash?
His pause was barely noticeable. But I noticed. Yeah. We were only fifteen, but yeah, I loved her. He blinked, then met my gaze again, letting me see the truth swirling in his. But that was years ago. Shes just a friend now, Kaylee.
My leg bounced under the table, uncontrollably. Have you told her that?
Yeah. And eventually, itll actually sink in. Look, I know she makes you uncomfortable, and Im sorry about that. And if its going to mean losing my second chance with you, Ill tell her to go away. But Im asking you not to make me do that.
I bristled. I cant make you do anything, Nash. Though the same could not be said for him and his Influence.
He frowned. You know what I mean.
You want my blessing to strike up a friendship with your ex-girlfriend. The first girl you ever slept with, whos still in love with you and doesnt even deny it. Does that sum it up?
Another long exhale. Yeah. I think that covers it.
If I said yes, Id be giving him permission to spend time with his hot, willing ex. If I said no, Id be denying him what he needs to work through his addiction.
How did I even get into this mess?
Hed left me no real choice, unless I was ready to let him go. Or willing to pretend that the past six weeks of my life had never happened. And I couldnt do that, even if I wanted to. Not yet.
Fine. Hang out with Sabine. But if this thing goes beyond friendship and support
Ill what? Leave him to find solace in her arms? Or her bed? Thats exactly what she wanted, and in spite of Nashs good intentions, it wouldnt take him long to get over me, considering the kind of comfort shed offer. I had no doubt of that.
It wont, Nash insisted, saving me from grasping for a viable threat, and I hated the sudden surge of relief in his eyes. How could he not see what she was really like?
Whatever. But dont expect me to spend time with the two of you. Though maybe Tod would, if I asked him. He couldnt watch them every second, but surely hed see enough to report back on the true nature of their relationship.
Great, now Im spying on Nash. I should have been ashamed. Instead, I was justscared. Scared of losing himeven though Id pushed him awaybecause now she was there to catch him.
Justbe careful, okay? You may be looking for some kind of Netherworldly AA sponsor, but shes looking for trouble. I saw it in her eyes.
