My Soul to Steal
Page 24
For a moment, I heard only silence over the line. Id gone too far. I knew it, but I couldnt help it. Id never been so mad in my life, and now that the dam had ruptured, I couldnt repair the damage. The overflow of anger wasnt just about Sabine and this nightmare. It was about everything beyond my control that had happened in the past couple of months. Everything Id never vented about before, but suddenly had to address, or Id explode.
Are you trying to hurt me? Its okay if you are. I know I deserve it. I just want to be clear on the point of this whole conversation, so Ill know when weve accomplished whatever it is you need.
I had to think about that for a second. No. Im not trying to hurt you. Im trying to heal me.
Is it working? He sounded so logical. So frustratingly reasonable, when I wanted to scream and shout and throw things until I felt better, logic be damned.
I dont know, I had to admit at last, sinking into my desk chair.
More silence. Then, What was the nightmare about?
It doesnt matter, I said, too quickly. I didnt want him to know how scared I was that hed fall off the wagon. That hed go back to selling his memories of me and trying to Influence me into things I wasnt ready for. That he might let Avari take over my body again, if thats what it took to get his next high.
Listing my fearthe factslike that, the logical part of me couldnt even believe I was thinking about forgiving him. The smart thing would be to let Sabine have him. Let the ex-con and the former addict have each other, and wash my hands of the whole mess.
But I couldnt, because of the one truth it didnt hurt for me to think about: the guy whod done those things to me wasnt the real Nash. My Nash was the guy whod defied my family to save my sanity, and fought hellions alongside me, and put himself in danger just to help protect me.
This other boythis boy whose addiction was literally the thing of my nightmareshe wasnt even real. It wasnt him doing those things, it was the frost. The Demons Breath, which had suppressedmaybe even corrodedhis soul. Changed who he was with each poisonous breath.
If hed been human, the damage would have been irreversible. Part of it might be, anyway. But if it wasnt, then Nash was still the first and only guy outside of my family whod ever loved me. And I couldnt turn my back on him if there was even a possibility of getting that Nash back.
I still wanted that Nash. I still needed to feel his hand in mine. I wanted to see him smile like he had before and know that I was the only thing he craved. I wanted to feel him behind me and know he had my back, whether we faced bitchy cousins or evil, soul-stealing hellions.
Kay,can I come over? Nash asked. Can I please come see you?
My heart thumped painfully, in spite of my best effort to calm it, and I sat up straight in my chair. Now?
Yeah. I need to see you. We can just sit on the couch and talk. I just I want to see you without the rest of the student body staring at us.
The ache in my chest spread into my throat, which tried to close around the only answer that made sense. Its the middle of the night, Nash. My dad would kill you. Then hed kill me. Just because hed called to check up on Nash while he was sick didnt mean my dad wanted us back together. If he knew I was even thinking about taking Nash back, hed make me get my head examined.
Besides, I continued, standing to pace again before he could protest. Alecs on the couch, so we wouldnt exactly have privacy.
What? Nashs voice went dark and angry with just that one syllable, and I realized I hadnt told him Alec was staying with us. Id hardly spoken to him at all since the Winter Carnival. Hes there with you, while your dads asleep? When your dads not even there? And you didnt tell me?
I rolled my eyes, though he couldnt see them. Dont start. Sabine was in your room a couple of hours ago, actively trying to get into your pants while your mom was at work. And dont even get me started on the list of things you didnt tell me.
Another moment of silence. Then, Fair enough. But I can handle Sabine. I know her. You dont know anything about Alec, except that he spent a quarter of a century working for a hellion. Not exactly a stellar recommendation. Has he tried anything?
Gross, Nash, hes forty-five years old.
That wont matter when youre legal and he still looks nineteen.
I sank onto my bed and let my head thump against the headboard. Youre totally overreacting. He thinks Im a kid.
Thats not going to stop him from looking.
You dont even know him.
Nash laughed harshly, like Id just told him rainbow-colored unicorns had flown through my bedroom window. I know because hes there, and youre there, and he hasnt seen a girl without tentacles or claws in twenty-six years.
Wow. You make me sound like such a catch.
I cant win this argument, can I?
Nope. Im going back to sleep now.
Lock your bedroom door.
I laughed. I couldnt help it. Good night, Nash. Ill see you tomorrow. I hung up before he could argue and turned off my lamp.
Are you trying to hurt me? Its okay if you are. I know I deserve it. I just want to be clear on the point of this whole conversation, so Ill know when weve accomplished whatever it is you need.
I had to think about that for a second. No. Im not trying to hurt you. Im trying to heal me.
Is it working? He sounded so logical. So frustratingly reasonable, when I wanted to scream and shout and throw things until I felt better, logic be damned.
I dont know, I had to admit at last, sinking into my desk chair.
More silence. Then, What was the nightmare about?
It doesnt matter, I said, too quickly. I didnt want him to know how scared I was that hed fall off the wagon. That hed go back to selling his memories of me and trying to Influence me into things I wasnt ready for. That he might let Avari take over my body again, if thats what it took to get his next high.
Listing my fearthe factslike that, the logical part of me couldnt even believe I was thinking about forgiving him. The smart thing would be to let Sabine have him. Let the ex-con and the former addict have each other, and wash my hands of the whole mess.
But I couldnt, because of the one truth it didnt hurt for me to think about: the guy whod done those things to me wasnt the real Nash. My Nash was the guy whod defied my family to save my sanity, and fought hellions alongside me, and put himself in danger just to help protect me.
This other boythis boy whose addiction was literally the thing of my nightmareshe wasnt even real. It wasnt him doing those things, it was the frost. The Demons Breath, which had suppressedmaybe even corrodedhis soul. Changed who he was with each poisonous breath.
If hed been human, the damage would have been irreversible. Part of it might be, anyway. But if it wasnt, then Nash was still the first and only guy outside of my family whod ever loved me. And I couldnt turn my back on him if there was even a possibility of getting that Nash back.
I still wanted that Nash. I still needed to feel his hand in mine. I wanted to see him smile like he had before and know that I was the only thing he craved. I wanted to feel him behind me and know he had my back, whether we faced bitchy cousins or evil, soul-stealing hellions.
Kay,can I come over? Nash asked. Can I please come see you?
My heart thumped painfully, in spite of my best effort to calm it, and I sat up straight in my chair. Now?
Yeah. I need to see you. We can just sit on the couch and talk. I just I want to see you without the rest of the student body staring at us.
The ache in my chest spread into my throat, which tried to close around the only answer that made sense. Its the middle of the night, Nash. My dad would kill you. Then hed kill me. Just because hed called to check up on Nash while he was sick didnt mean my dad wanted us back together. If he knew I was even thinking about taking Nash back, hed make me get my head examined.
Besides, I continued, standing to pace again before he could protest. Alecs on the couch, so we wouldnt exactly have privacy.
What? Nashs voice went dark and angry with just that one syllable, and I realized I hadnt told him Alec was staying with us. Id hardly spoken to him at all since the Winter Carnival. Hes there with you, while your dads asleep? When your dads not even there? And you didnt tell me?
I rolled my eyes, though he couldnt see them. Dont start. Sabine was in your room a couple of hours ago, actively trying to get into your pants while your mom was at work. And dont even get me started on the list of things you didnt tell me.
Another moment of silence. Then, Fair enough. But I can handle Sabine. I know her. You dont know anything about Alec, except that he spent a quarter of a century working for a hellion. Not exactly a stellar recommendation. Has he tried anything?
Gross, Nash, hes forty-five years old.
That wont matter when youre legal and he still looks nineteen.
I sank onto my bed and let my head thump against the headboard. Youre totally overreacting. He thinks Im a kid.
Thats not going to stop him from looking.
You dont even know him.
Nash laughed harshly, like Id just told him rainbow-colored unicorns had flown through my bedroom window. I know because hes there, and youre there, and he hasnt seen a girl without tentacles or claws in twenty-six years.
Wow. You make me sound like such a catch.
I cant win this argument, can I?
Nope. Im going back to sleep now.
Lock your bedroom door.
I laughed. I couldnt help it. Good night, Nash. Ill see you tomorrow. I hung up before he could argue and turned off my lamp.
