Narcissus in Chains
Chapter 19
Chapter 19
I WAS NAKED again. It seemed to be a theme that night. The five of us lay in a heap, breathing hard, bodies tingling, with that rush that magic will leave behind sometimes--where you feel both tired and exhilarated at the same time--sort of like sex. Asher and Nathaniel lay on the bed just out of my reach. My mouth, chin, and neck were covered in Jason's blood. He lay with his head on my chest, his head turned so I could see the neck wound. I'd marked Nathaniel and Micah, but there was a piece of meat missing from Jason's neck. It wasn't a big piece, but it was a missing piece of flesh, nonetheless.
I swallowed hard, taking deep, even breaths. I would not throw up. I would not throw up. I would not throw up. I was going to throw up. I pushed everyone off the bed and ran for the bathroom. I threw up, and the flesh--about the size of a fifty-cent piece--came up just like it had gone down--whole. There was something about seeing it, about having my worst fears confirmed that brought nausea in a burning wave. I threw up until I thought my head would explode and I was dry heaving.
There was a knock on the door. "Ma petite, may I come in?" He hadn't asked if I was alright. Smart vampire. I didn't answer him, just stayed kneeling with my head against the cool bathtub edge, wondering if I was going to throw up again or my head would fall off first. My head hurt worse than my stomach.
I heard the door open. "Ma petite?"
"I'm here," I said, my voice sounding thick, as if I'd been crying. I kept my head down. I didn't want to see him, or anyone.
I saw the edge of the black robe, then more of it as he knelt down in front of me. "Is there anything I can get you?"
A dozen answers flew through my mind, most of them sarcastic, but I settled for, "Some aspirin and a toothbrush."
"You could ask me to cut my heart out at this moment, and I might do it. Instead you ask for aspirin and a toothbrush." He leaned in and laid the gentlest of kisses on the top of my head. "I will get what you ask." He stood, and again I heard a drawer opening and closing.
I looked up and watched him move efficiently around the bathroom, setting out a bottle of aspirin and a toothbrush and a choice of toothpastes. It was absurdly domestic, and the black-furred robe didn't fit the part. Jean-Claude looked like someone who should have servants, and he did. But mostly around me he'd always done for himself, and for me. When I wasn't around he probably had fifty dancing girls waiting on him hand and foot. But with me, it was often just him.
He brought me the aspirin and a glass of water. I took them, and there was a moment when I wasn't sure my stomach would keep them down, but it passed. Jean-Claude helped me stand, and I let him. It wasn't just that my legs were shaky--though they were--it was more like all of me was shaky, uncertain.
I started to shiver and couldn't stop. Jean-Claude held me against his robe in the circle of his arms. My breast hurt where it rubbed against the cloth. I pulled back enough to look down at my body. There was a perfect imprint of Nathaniel's teeth encircling my breast around the areola. He'd only drawn blood in a few places, but the rest was a deep red-purple. It was going to be a hell of a bruise if my body didn't heal it first.
Jean-Claude traced his finger across the upper part of the bite mark, and I winced. "Why is it things like this never hurt while you're doing them?"
"The question is its own answer, ma petite."
Strangely, I understood what he meant. "It's almost a mirror of what I did to his chest."
"Nathaniel is being cautious, I think."
"What do you mean?"
"He did nothing to you that you had not done to him first."
"I thought they were both carried away with the ardeur and Belle Morte."
"The first time you feel the call of her power it is heady stuff. But the fact Jason did something that he knew you would not allow, and Nathaniel didn't, may mean that Nathaniel has more control of himself than Jason does."
"I would have thought it was the other way around."
"I know," he said, and the way he said it made me look at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, ma petite, that you may know Nathaniel's heart's desire, but I do not think you truly know him."
"He doesn't know himself," I said.
"In part that is true, but I think he will surprise you."
"Are you hiding something from me?"
"About Nathaniel, no."
I sighed. "You know on another day I'd make you tell me what that cryptic remark meant, but damn it, I want a little comfort from someone right now, and I guess you're it."
His eyebrows raised. "When you ask in so flattering a manner, how can I refuse?"
"No games, please, Jean-Claude, please, just hold me."
He drew me back into the circle of his arms, and I moved so that the bite mark wasn't hurting, or rather wasn't hurting more than it already did. It had turned into a throbbing pain, sharp when touched. It did hurt, but a part of me found that satisfying. It was a confirmation of what we'd done, a painful souvenir of something that had been amazing. If my morals hadn't gotten in the way, I could have just marveled at the whole thing.
"Why am I pleased that Nathaniel marked me?" I asked it in a small voice, because I wasn't a hundred percent sure Jean-Claude shouldn't have been jealous about it.
He stroked my hair, as his other arm held me close. "I can think of many reasons." His voice vibrated through his chest against my ear, mingling with the sound of his heartbeat.
"One that makes sense to me would be enough," I said.
"Ah, one that makes sense to you, now that is a different question."
I squeezed my arms around his waist. "No games, remember, just tell me."
"It could be that you are truly becoming his Nimir-Ra." His arm tightened around me. "I do feel something different in you, ma petite, some wildness that was not there before. It does not feel like Richard's beast feels, but it is a difference. It may simply be that as Nathaniel's Nimir-Ra you want closer contact with him."
It made sense. It was hard to argue with the logic of it, but I wanted to. "What could be the other reasons?"
"Belle Morte treated you as a vampire of her line. If through the marks or your necromancy you have some of the powers of a vampire, you may have others. It could be that leopards will be your animal to call. I admit that the first is the more likely reason, but the second is also possible."
I leaned back enough to see his face. "Are you attracted to the wolves?" I asked.
"I find it pleasant to have the wolves around me. It is comforting to touch them like a ... pet, or lover."
I wasn't sure how I felt about him using pet and lover in the same sentence, but I let it go. "So you want to have sex with the werewolves?"
"Do you want to have sex with Nathaniel?"
"No ... not exactly."
"But you want to touch him and be touched?"
I had to think about that for a few seconds. "I guess so."
"In a true joining of animal and vampire, there is a desire in both to touch, for one to serve and the other to take care of them."
"Padma, the Master of Beasts, treated his animals like shit."
"One of the many reasons that Padma will always be a secondary power on the Council is his belief that all power must be taken, that all power must come through fear. True power comes when others offer it to you and you merely accept it as a gift, not as the spoils of some personal war."
"So the fact that you treat your wolves better than most is just, what, a political decision?"
He shrugged, still holding me against him. "I do not know how other vampires feel. I know only that Belle Morte felt attracted to her cats and I feel the same for my wolves. Perhaps it is only her line that turns the bond between animal and vampire into something like lovers? Much of her power fed into sex, or at least, attraction, and perhaps that is not how others feel?" He frowned. "I had not truly thought about that before. Perhaps it is another benefit of her lineage--or a shortfall of it--that most of my powers turn to something resembling sex."
"Does Asher feel the same way about his animal to call?"
"He has no animal to call."
I widened my eyes. "I thought all master vamps over a certain age had an animal to call."
"Most of the time they do, but not always. Just as his bite can give true sexual release and mine cannot. We have different powers."
"But not having an animal to call is like a major ..."
"It means he is weaker than I am."
"But he could still be Master of the City somewhere else. I mean I've met Masters of the City that had no animal to call before."
"If there was a territory vacant in this country, and he would be willing to leave us, then yes, he might rise to Master of the City."
I started to ask, Then why doesn't he go? But I was pretty sure I knew the answer, and it was a painful answer, so I left it unsaid. Maybe I was growing up at last. Not every thought that came into my head had to come out of my mouth.
"Or it could simply be that you've wanted Nathaniel for a very long time. There is satisfaction in finally giving in to the desire."
I pushed away from him. "You know, you're not very good at this comforting stuff."
"You said no games. Isn't a lie the same as playing a game?"
I frowned at him. "I did not have sex with Nathaniel."
"Come, ma petite, you did not have intercourse, but to say you did not have sex is splitting the hair a little too fine, no?"
I glared at him and tried to be angry, but there was something closer to panic than anger making my heart beat faster. "Are you saying that what we just did qualifies as sex?"
"Are you saying that it did not?"
I turned so I couldn't see his face, hugging my arms around myself. I finally turned back to look at him. I tried leaning against the wall, but the tiles were cold and I was still naked. I needed my clothes, but they were out in the other room, and I was so not ready to see the other men again.
"So you're saying that we had sex--all of us?"
He took a deep breath. "What answer do you want, ma petite?"
"Truth would be nice."
"No, you do not want the truth. I thought that you did, or I would have taken better care about what I said." He looked tired. "I am glad you are the woman that you are, but there are moments when I wish that you could simply enjoy something without being chased around the room by your guilt and your morals afterwards. What we did tonight is a glorious thing. A thing to be shared and treasured, not something to be ashamed of."
"I was doing better with it before you told me it counts as sex."
"And the fact that I had to tell you that it counts as sex means you are still lying to yourself more than I have ever tried to lie to you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He held up a hand. "I will say no more about this. You do not want the truth, and you told me not to lie. I am out of options."
I hugged myself and frowned at the floor. I tried to wrap my mind around what he'd said, what we'd done, and I just couldn't do it. We needed a change of topic, fast.
"Jason acted like a power substitute for Richard," I said.
"Oui." He let me change the subject without a word or a change in expression.
"I didn't know we could do that."
"Nor did I." He took those few gliding steps that put him beside me again. "If it is comfort that you want, more than truth, then I can do that." He touched my chin, raised my face so that our gazes met. "But you must tell me when you do not want the truth, ma petite. It is usually your greatest demand on me."
I stared up into his beautiful face and understood what he was offering-- comfort, but not honesty. Comforting lies, because I didn't want to hear the truth. "I don't want you to lie to me, but I'm about at my limit for hard truths for the day. I need a breather."
"You want a space of calm to think about everything. I understand that. I can even give it to you for a few hours, but you have to confront Richard at the lupanar tonight, and I fear that more hard truths await you there."
I put my face against his chest, cuddled into the smoothness of his skin, caught between the furred lapels. "Your bringing up Richard isn't going to make me feel better."
"My apologies." He was rubbing my back with his hands, over and over. The movement made the fur on the sleeves rub up and down my body, from my butt to my shoulders. It was soothing and not soothing at the same time. I looked up at him and didn't know whether to cry or scream. "I thought I fed the ardeur."
His hands went still against my body. "You have, and you have fed it well, but it is always just below the surface. Like being full but still admiring a beautifully made dessert."
I didn't really like the analogy, but couldn't think of a better one. I pressed my body into his robe, let him cradle me against his body, and listened to the comforting beat of his heart.
I spoke with my face pressed against his chest, the black furred edge of the lapels tickling my lips. "Why didn't you warn me that she could do that?"
"If you were a vampire of my line, then I would have warned you, but you not vampire, you are human, and it should not work that way for you."
I leaned back enough to see his face. "Can she enter any of her ... children?"
"No, her ability to look in upon her children only lasts for a few nights. Once the new vampire is strong enough to control its own hunger, then she is unable to enter, as if some door closes that was held open before."
"She called my beast, or beasts, or whatever the hell is going on with me. She called it to the surface like she knew what she was doing."
"Her animal to call is all great cats."
"So, leopards," I said.
He nodded. "Among other things."
"I thought only the Master of Beasts could call more than one animal."
"It was the ability he came with from almost the beginning, but many of the oldest grow into a variety of powers. She began, as I understand it, able to call only leopards, then one by one the other great cats answered to her."
"If I really am a wereleopard, will she be able to control me--if she meets me?"
"You cast her out, ma petite. You can answer your own question, can you not?"
"You're saying I kicked her butt once, I can do it again."
"Something like that, oui."
I pushed away from him, my fingers trailing down his arms under the heavy robe until our hands touched. "Trust me, Jean-Claude, one victory doesn't guarantee you'll win the war."
"This was not a small victory, ma petite. Never in all her two thousand years of life has any of her line defied her as you just did." He'd bent at the waist just a little to kiss my hands, showing a long, thin triangle of his chest and upper stomach. My gaze followed that line of pale flesh down into the shadow that hid the rest of him. For once I didn't want to undo the robe. Part of it was that I was well ... satisfied, and part of it--most of it--was that I had just had sex with four men at once, and my discomfort level was just a little too high to think about any sex for a while.
"I knew that vampires could make the bite pleasant, but I never dreamed it felt like that," I said.
"It is one of Asher's gifts to make his bite orgasmic."
I looked at him.
He nodded. "Oui, ma petite, I can make it pleasant, but not that pleasant."
"Asher bit me once, and it wasn't orgasmic."
"He drew back when he realized he had rolled your mind without intending to. He ... behaved himself."
I raised my eyebrows at that. If tonight was the real thing, he'd more than behaved himself. "You fed off of it, too, and Belle Morte, as well."
"It was a feast, was it not?" And something in the way he said it made me blush. "I do not mean to embarrass you, ma petite, but it was glorious. I have not shared Asher's gift in over two hundred years. I had almost made myself forget what it was like."
"So you can't do this without Belle Morte."
"One of her gifts is to be a bridge, a connection, between her children. That allowed the sharing of gifts."
"I cast her out, Jean-Claude, it won't be happening again."
"And we are both thrilled. I do not think you understand the risk we all took, ma petite. If you had failed to cast her out, then she could have done things to us, even from such a distance. We are the only two of her line that ever left her side willingly. Some were exiled, but none simply left, and she is not a woman that takes rejection well."
That was an understatement. "She saw Asher through my eyes. I felt her regret that she'd let him go, that she hadn't seen him the way I did."
He turned his head to one side. "Then perhaps even a very old dog can learn new tricks."
I swallowed, and something about it made me very aware of the taste of blood and other things in my mouth. I had to get cleaned up.
I went to the sink and watched him in the mirror behind me. I'd known I was nude, but it wasn't until I saw myself in the mirror that I really noticed it. I'd managed to wipe most of the blood off my mouth with toilet paper, but it was still clinging to my chest and my neck. "I really need a robe of my own," I said.
"I would offer you mine," he said.
I shook my head, reaching for the toothbrush. Normally, I would have washed the blood off first, but I wanted that taste out of my mouth more. "You naked around me right now is not what I need."
"I will send ..." he hesitated, "Asher for a robe for you."
"You started to say Jason, didn't you?"
He looked at me in the mirror.
"I know he'll heal, but ... I could have really hurt him," I said.
"But you didn't, and that is what matters."
"Pretty to think so," I said.
He smiled, but not like he was happy. "I will send Asher for a robe."
"Great. Thank you."
I squeezed toothpaste onto the brush as he went for the door. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. "Normally you would owe your pomme de sangs some gift or show of gratitude for serving you."
"I think they've had all the gratitude they're getting from me for one day.
He laughed, and the sound rode over my body like a caress of silk. "Oh, yes, ma petite, and I think they would agree, but I tell you this for later. You must reward your pomme de sang for his, or her, services."
"Money wouldn't do it?" I asked.
The look on his face said he was truly insulted, outraged, in fact. "You have just shared something more intimate than most people will ever know with another being. They have given us a great gift this day, and they are not whores, Anita." My real name, I was in trouble. "They are pomme de sangs, think of them as beloved mistresses."
I frowned at him.
"Today the sharing of pleasure was reward enough, but you will need to feed the ardeur every day, and unless it is a feeding worthy of the thirst, more than once a day for a few weeks."
"What are you saying?" I asked.
"I am saying that it would be best if you chose a pomme de sang and kept him near you, for you do not truly know yet what your hunger is like. It may be a light thing, easily tended, or it may not."
"You're saying I'll need to do this every day?"
"Yes."
"Fuck."
He shook his head. "Was today so horrible, ma petite? Was the pleasure you gained so very small?"
"It's not that. It was glorious, and you know it. But we'll never be able to duplicate that, not without Belle Morte, and I don't want a return visit from her."
"Nor do I. But there are many things that can be done to feed, and when you have some control I will teach you to feed from a distance."
"When?"
"A few weeks."
"Shit." I turned back to the mirror, not looking at him. "How do I pick a pomme de sang?"
"I think you already have," he said.
I looked at him. "You mean Nathaniel."
He nodded.
"No, I ... I don't trust myself not to lose control and ... you know what I mean."
"He is lovely to the eye, and he cares for you. Would it be so very wrong?"
"Yes, yes, it would be like child molesting. He can't say no. If a person can't say no, then it's the same as rape."
"Perhaps what you do not wish to acknowledge, ma petite, is that Nathaniel knows exactly what he wants, and what he wants is you."
"He wants me to dominate him in every sense of the word."
"It is best if a pomme de sang is submissive to you."
I shook my head.
"Then who else would you want to risk being carried away with, your Nimir-Raj?" This time there was something in his voice.
"You are jealous."
"The Nimir-Raj is not a pomme de sang, a mistress, a dessert, no matter how delectable. He is an entree, a very, very main course, and I wish to be the only entree at your table."
"You were sharing me with Richard, and he certainly wasn't just dessert."
"Very true, but he also had ties to me. He is my wolf to call, and that is a different ... relationship to me, to you, than some stranger."
"I know it was the ardeur, but damn, I've never ..."
"You are not a woman of casual lusts. No, ma petite, you are not. And I fear that this Nimir-Raj is no more casual than the rest of your lusts." He looked so serious when he said it, solemn.
"What do you mean?"
"If you are truly his Nimir-Ra, then you will be drawn to him. There is no help for it. And truthfully, I cannot fault your taste. He is not as fair of face as our Richard, but he does have certain compensations." The look on his face made me blush again.
I turned to the sink and started brushing my teeth, and he took it as a dismissal. He went out laughing. When the door was closed behind him and I was alone I stood for a long time looking at myself in the mirror. It still looked like me. But I could taste Jason's blood underneath the toothpaste. I started scrubbing and spitting and running the cold water, listening to the sound of the water instead of the screaming inside my head.
When Jean-Claude came back into the room I was rinsing the blood out of the washrag I'd used and had three different kinds of mouthwash sitting beside the sink. I'd used all three, and I couldn't taste anything but minty freshness. You could scrub yourself clean of the blood and the taste of it in your mouth, but the stains that really mattered were the ones that no amount of soap or water could touch. I'd have said that things couldn't get any worse, but I knew they could, and rapidly. If I locked myself away for a few days until I could control the ardeur, the werewolves would vote without me there, and they'd execute Gregory. If they killed Gregory, it wasn't just Jacob that I'd kill. It would be war between me, my pard, and Richard's pack. Richard was just Boy Scout enough to get in my way, and maybe force me to kill him. Something inside of me would die if Richard died, and if I pulled the trigger ... some things you recover from, some things you don't. Killing Richard would be one of those things I wouldn't recover from.
Jean-Claude said softly, "Are you alright, ma petite?"
I shook my head, but said, "Sure."
He held a bundle of blue satin out to me. "Then you need to get dressed, and I will escort you back outside."
I looked at him. "Is it that obvious that I don't want to go back out there?"
"Jason has been taken to his room. He will heal. But we thought it would upset you to see him. Nathaniel awaits your pleasure, since he did drive you."
"What about Asher?"
"He took Jason away."
"You know we have the answer to the question you've been wanting to know," I said.
We looked at each other. "I felt his release, ma petite. I know that he has been tormenting me, allowing me to believe he was ruined. But we still do not know how badly scarred he is, and that is a ruin of a different sort."
"You mean he may feel he's so scarred that he doesn't want anyone to see him, or touch him?"
"Oui."
"Until the two of you touched the boys, the ardeur didn't spread to you. Belle Morte didn't spread to you. It's like a disease," I said.
"I have seen that particular disease set loose in a banquet room the size of a football field and spread from person to person until all fell upon each other in a ... well, orgy is too mild a word."
"What did she gain from making a whole room of humans lose control like that?"
"She gains power from every feeding around her, but it was not that alone. She wished to see if there were limits to the number of people she could spread the desire through."
"Did she find her limit?"
"No."
"So hundreds of people," I said.
He nodded.
"And she fed off of the lust from them all?"
"Oui."
"What did she do with all that power?"
"She helped a marquis seduce a king and changed the trade routes and alliances of three countries."
I widened my eyes. "Well, at least it didn't go to waste."
"Belle has many faults, but the wasting of an advantage is not one of them."
"What did she gain through all the political maneuvering?"
"Land, titles, and a king that adored her. Remember, ma petite, that this was at a time in history when to be king of a nation meant to be absolute monarch. His word was life and death, and she ruled him through the sweet secrets of her body."
"No one is that good in bed."
A look passed over his face--a small smile that he tried to hide.
"If she was that wonderful, then why did you and Asher leave her the first time?"
"Asher had been with Belle for many years before I arrived, and more beyond that before he found Julianna. He and I were in the circle of innermost power, where many strived for centuries to get to and failed. We were her favorites until Asher found Julianna. It did not occur to me until decades later that Belle was jealous, but I think in a way that was it. She slept with other men, other vampires, and she was content that Asher and I shared each other's beds, and that we went to the vampires she chose to share us with. But another woman that we chose ourselves--that was different. But it is one of our most sacred laws not to harm another's human servant, so Belle did nothing. Then Asher offered Julianna to me, and we became a menage a trois, and that raised the question of Julianna sleeping with others."
He looked down at the floor, then up again. "Arturo was one of her favorites as well. He desired Julianna, but Asher refused him."
"Asher refused him, not Julianna," I said.
"She was his servant. She could not deny if he had consented."
"Ick," I said.
He shrugged. "It was a different century, ma petite, and Julianna was a different woman than you are."
"So why did Asher refuse?" I asked.
"He feared for Julianna's safety. We both did."
"Arturo liked it rough?"
"Mother Nature had made it almost impossible for Arturo to have it any way but rough."
I looked at him. "What do you mean?"
He gave that graceful shrug again. "Arturo is still the most well-endowed man I have ever seen."
It was my turn to shrug. "So?"
He shook his head. "You do not understand, ma petite. He is bien outille, well tooled. Ah, what is the English? ... Hung like a horse."
I started to point out that Richard was pretty well-endowed, but it's bad form to point out to boyfriend A that boyfriend B is bigger. Micah was better endowed even than Richard, but again, it didn't seem the thing to mention. I was finally left with, "I've seen two men that were hung like horses, as you say, and it was intimidating, but ... you're implying that you feared for Julianna's safety because he was so big."
"That is exactly what I am saying."
"No one's that big."
"Arturo makes even our Richard and your Nimir-Raj seem ungraced."
I blushed and wished I hadn't. "Those weren't the two men I was referring to."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Indeed?"
The way he said it made me blush harder. "In New Mexico, one of Edward's backups, and one of the bad guys."
"And how did you happen to see just how well-graced they were, ma petite? There was something in his voice, a hint of warmth, like the beginnings of anger.
"I did not have sex with anyone."
"Then how did you see them nude?" His voice still held that warm edge, and I couldn't really blame him.
"Bernardo, Edward's backup, and I got questioned by a local biker gang, uh club. They didn't believe he was my boyfriend. They asked if he was circumcised, and I said yes. I figured I had a better than fifty-fifty chance in America. They made him drop his pants to prove it."
"Under some threat, I assume." He was looking more amused than angry now.
"Yeah."
"And the other one?"
"He tried to rape me."
Jean-Claude's eyes went wide. "What became of him?"
"I killed him."
He touched my face, gently. "I have only recently understood why I was so very attracted to you from almost the first time I heard you interact with the police."
"Not love at first sight," I said, "but love at first hearing. I don't have that good a voice."
"Do not underestimate the dulcet sounds of your voice, ma petite, but it was not the sound of your voice that fascinated me. It was your words. I knew from the moment I heard you, the moment I saw the gun and realized that this lovely, petite woman was the executioner, that you would never die waiting for me to save you--that you would save yourself."
I cupped his hand against my cheek, looked into his eyes and saw again that sorrow for failing to save Julianna that never quite left him. "So you wanted me because I was such a tough broad?"
He let me make the joke. He even smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "Oui, ma petite."
My voice was soft when I said, "So Arturo wanted Julianna."
He took his hand back, slowly. "And she feared him, and we feared for her. This is two hundred years ago, a little more now. Asher was not as powerful as he is now, and we feared that his human servant would not survive Arturo's attentions."
"I've got to ask, how big was he?"
Jean-Claude spaced his hands apart like you'd measure a fish. "Like this big." It looked to be about six inches.
"That's not so big."
"That is how wide he was," Jean-Claude said.
I just gaped at him. "You're exaggerating."
"No, ma petite, believe me, I remember."
"Then how long was he?"
He made another measuring movement. I laughed because I didn't believe him. "Oh, please. You're saying he was what, about six inches wide and over a foot long? No way."
"Yes, way, ma petite."
"You said Arturo was one of Belle's favorites. Does that mean she ..."
"Had sex with him, oui."
I frowned, couldn't think of a slick way to say it, so just blurted out, "Didn't it hurt her?"
"She was a woman with a large capacity for men in every way."
Gee, that was polite. "Most women wouldn't be able to ... accommodate that" I said.
"No," he agreed.
"Did she want to kill Julianna?"
"No, she believed Arturo would not harm her."
"Why?"
He licked his lips, which he rarely did, and looked uncomfortable, which he did even less often. "Let us say that something that Belle Morte taught Asher and me to take pleasure in, we also did with Julianna."
I frowned at him, because I so did not have a clue. "If you're hinting, I'm not getting it."
"I would rather not discuss it, now. Perhaps at a later time."
I frowned harder. "What aren't you telling me?"
He shook his head. "I think, ma petite, that you would rather not know."
I looked at him. "You know, Jean-Claude, there was a time--not that long ago--that I'd have thrown a fit and made you tell me everything. But now if you tell me I don't want to know, then I'll just believe you. I really am not up to hearing intimate and shocking details about your vampire sex life. I've had enough shocks in that area for one day."
"Ma petite, I think you are growing up at last."
"Don't push it. And I'm not growing up, I'm just getting tired."
"As are we all, ma petite, as are we all."
I let the royal blue satin robe fall from my hands. It had wide lace sleeves and more lace at what passed for the lapels, to curve in flowers down the sides. It was beautiful and fit me perfectly. Most robes are too long for me. He'd probably bought it with me in mind. I belted it in place and didn't want to ask any more questions about the ardeur and sex and vampire stuff. But some things had to be clear between us.
"I need to get this straight, Jean-Claude."
"Oui, ma petite."
"You say that what we did was sex, so in effect I had sex with everyone?"
He just nodded.
"You don't seem at all jealous about that."
"I was participating, ma petite. Why should I be jealous?"
The answer confused me more. I frowned up at him. "Okay, let me try this again. You say the ardeur may need to be fed more than once a day. We can't count on you being Johnny-on-the-spot when it happens. I can sleep over here, but ..."
"You may need to feed when I am not awake. This is very possible, in fact, it is likely."
"Okay, then what are the rules?"
It was his turn to frown. "What do you mean, ma petite?"
"Rules. I mean like what will make you jealous and what won't? What, or who, am I supposed to stay away from?"
He started to smile, then stopped. "You are one of the most cynical people I have ever met, the most practical in a life-and-death context, and if you knew some of the people I had met, you would understand the compliment that is. But you are also very earnest, like a child. It is a type of innocence that I do not think you will ever outgrow. But I find it hard to deal with."
"It's a fair question."
"Indeed it is, but most people would not need to ask it so blandly. They would either ignore it and do the best they could when the need arose, or they would ask who among my people will I allow you to have sex with, without becoming angry."
It made me wince to hear him say it, but ... "I like the way I phrased the question better."
"I know. You are simultaneously one of the most direct women I know, and one of the most self-deluding."
"I am really not liking where this conversation's going."
"Fine, but I will answer my question, because it is the truth. If Nathaniel is your pomme de sang, then I will let intimacy with him pass. Jason as my pomme de sang is within his rights to make love with my human servant. It is considered a great gift for a vampire to share his servant with another, and Jason has earned that. He has served me faithfully for many years."
"I'm not a prize to be given away."
He held up a hand. "Hush, ma petite, I will answer the question, and I will try for truth, even though you do not want to hear it today. There are many things I would have told you today, if you had been in the mood for truth. But you are right, this we must have clear between us. I would simply have urged you to keep Nathaniel close at hand and let the cards fall as they may, but if you insist on a list, then I will give it to you, but not without reasons. Because I want it clear that I do not share you lightly, and there are men I will not share you with at all."
He was angry now, and his eyes had bled to sapphire flame. The rest of his body was very still, but the eyes gave it all away. He was in the grip of some strong emotion, probably anger, but I wasn't sure. And he was shielding like a son of a bitch, so something he was feeling, or thinking, he didn't want me to share.
"Asher is acceptable."
He didn't give the reasons for that one, and I didn't ask, because there were too many of them, most of them painful.
"If Richard comes to his senses, then of course." He smoothed his hands down the front of his robe; he often checked his clothes when he was nervous. "The Nimir-Raj will have to be acceptable, because he calls to you. Richard's beast calls to you through my marks, my ties to him, to it, but the Nimir-Raj, he calls to you, Anita." My real name again. He was not happy. "He calls to something in you, in your power. It may be that you are truly Nimir-Ra, and the full moon will see it true. Or it may be that, as with Nathaniel, you have found your animal to call. If you are drawn more strongly to all the leopards, then it could be for either reason. Be wary if the leopards are yours to call. It may not merely be Nathaniel and the Nimir-Raj that beckon."
"Please, don't tell me that I'm going to turn into slut-girl."
He smiled. "I do not think you need to fear that. You are stronger willed than that."
"You just said I might be tempted by the other wereleopards."
"If the Nimir-Raj or Nathaniel are not near you when the ardeur rises, then my advice is to give in to it instantly."
I gave him wide eyes.
"If you fight it, ma petite, it grows. If it grows large enough, then you may indeed turn into slut-girl. If you give in and feed immediately, then you will have sex with one person, not several, and it will be more a person of your choosing."
"So the real advice is, keep the men I prefer within easy reach."
"I would make Nathaniel, or someone of your choosing, your constant companion."
I swallowed hard and searched his face, but it was pleasantly blank--his expression when he didn't want me to know what he was thinking. His eyes had bled back to normal.
Something occurred to me. "I haven't seen Damian around."
"I speak of sex, and you think of Damian." His voice was still pleasant but the words held something harsh.
"You give me this list of people to sleep with, and not to sleep with, but you leave him off either list. And he wasn't at the club, and he didn't come to the bedroom, attracted by the power like Asher. Where is he?"
Jean-Claude rubbed his hands over his face. "I was going to tell you, then you decided you wanted no more hard truths today." He lowered his hands and looked at me.
"He's alive, I'd know it if he wasn't."
"Yes, I believe you would. There was a time when my first master made my heart beat. Her power suffused me, made me live. But her power came from her Master of the City, so it was in reality his power that filled me. Each master vampire that I belonged to demanded blood oaths, and each one in turn made my blood course, my heart move. Then Belle, herself, the head of my line, brought me in, and she filled me. She was like the pounding of the ocean, and all others before her were but rivers seeking to drown in her embrace. Gradually, I filled with my own power. But even now it is her lineage that makes me live. The power that made her is what keeps me alive. Damian is descended from her line, not from Belle herself, but from one of her children, as I am. I am Master of the City and the power that animates me, animates Damian. When he took the oaths that bound him to me, that made him loyal to me, it became my power that filled him, my power that made his heart beat. And I broke the tie with she who made him."
"You make all the vampires under you alive?" I made it a question.
"The power comes through me, yes, but only if they are of my line, my lineage. If they are descended from other than Belle's children, then no, the blood oaths do not bind as tightly."
"What about Asher? You don't make his heart beat."
He nodded. "Very good, ma petite. No, I do not. A Master Vampire is a vampire that has become enough of a power that they fill themselves up. It is one of the things that being a master means, and one of the reasons that many of the older vampire masters still kill their children when they feel that tie break."
"You're volunteering an awful lot of information, and don't think I'm not grateful, it's fascinating, but what does this all have to do with Damian?"
"You have raised Damian from his coffin once, filling him with your necromancy like a zombie. You have saved his life twice with your necromancy. You have forged a tie between him and you."
Actually, I knew that, but out loud I said, "He said that he couldn't tell me no if I gave him a direct order. That he wanted to serve me. It scared him."
"It should have."
"I didn't mean to do it, Jean-Claude. I didn't even know it was possible."
"Legends speak of necromancers that could control all types of undead, not merely zombies. It was at one time Council policy to slay all necromancers on sight."
"Gee, glad the policy changed."
"Yes," he said. "But you severed my tie with Damian. I did not realize it at first, but when he returned from Tennessee, it was not my power that made his heart beat, it was yours."
I remembered feeling that in Tennessee, feeling the tie between us. "It wasn't done deliberately," I said.
"I know that, but you left me with a problem when you went away for over half a year. Damian is over a thousand years old. Though not a Master Vampire, he is still powerful. He no longer had ties to any vampire hierarchy. It freed him of all blood oaths, of all mystically bound loyalties. He was yours, but you did not come to claim him."
"You should have told me."
"And what would you have done? Taken him home to live in your basement? You did not have the power or control six months ago to deal with him."
"Now I do. Is that what you're saying?"
"You cast out Belle Morte. One of the most powerful of the Council. If you can do that, ma petite, then you can handle Damian."
"This is all great, but where is Damian?"
"I could no longer count on his loyalty. I no longer controlled him, do you understand, ma petite? I had a vampire that was more than twice my age, and could not control him. It both made me look weak in others' eyes when I could not afford to appear weak, and it was dangerous, because he knew when you healed over your aura and shielded so tight. It wasn't only Richard and me who felt the loss of you. You cut Damian off, and he went a little ... mad."
I was scared now, my heart beginning to climb up my throat. "Where is Damian?"
"First, ma petite, understand that you cannot take him with you tonight because to tend him will be a full-time job for the first few hours."
"Just tell me," I said.
"I had to lock him away, ma petite.''
I stared at him. "Lock him away, how?"
He just looked at me, and it was eloquent.
"He's been locked in a cross-wrapped coffin for six months?"
"About that, yes."
"You bastard."
"I could have killed him, ma petite, that's what others would have done."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because it was partially my fault for exposing him to you. Damian was mine to protect, and I failed him."
"He's mine, mine to protect," I said.
"Yet, you deserted him."
"I didn't know. You should have told me."
"And six months ago would you have believed me? Or would you have thought it was some ploy to get you back into my life?"
I started to tell him, of course I'd have believed him, but I stopped and thought about it. "I don't know if I'd have believed you or not."
"I hoped that I would find a way to reestablish my dominance over him, but he is closed to me."
I swallowed hard and looked at him. "If he's mine, then why didn't I feel him when my shielding broke all to hell in New Mexico?"
"I have been blocking you from sensing him, and it has not been easy."
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, but it didn't help. I was so angry my skin felt hot. "You had no right to do that."
"Without the marks being married, I think Damian would have seduced you. Because you would have been drawn to him as you are drawn to Nathaniel now, or perhaps even the Nimir-Raj."
"I would not have fucked Damian without the ardeur helping me, and I didn't have that six months ago."
"You may have your vampire back tomorrow night. I will help you nurse him back to health."
"I'm coming back tonight to get him."
"Talk to Asher, ma petite. Ask him what it will take to nurse a vampire back from six months in the coffin. Damian is not a master; he has had no ability to feed or gain energy. He will come out of the coffin a starved, crazed thing. There will be very little left of him, at first." He was so calm while he said it.
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hit him, but it wouldn't change anything. I wasn't even sure it would make me feel better. "I want him out tonight, when I get back from the lupanar."
"You will not be able to tend both your injured wereleopard and Damian tonight. Ask Asher, and he will tell you how much work goes into such as this. One more night will not make a difference to Damian, and tonight you are trying to prevent war between the leopards and the wolves. More than that, you are trying to make a strong enough show of force to convince Richard's enemies that he is too well-allied to be killed. You must concentrate on these things tonight, ma petite."
"I don't believe you," I said.
He shrugged. "Believe what you like, but it will take hours of care to make Damian sane again. It will take days of care, and blood, and warmth, to bring him back to himself."
"How could you know that and still do this to him?" My voice didn't even sound angry, just tired.
"I learned the lessons of the cross-wrapped coffin personally, ma petite. I have not done to Damian anything that has not been done to me."
"You were in it for a few days until I killed the old Master of the City."
He shook his head. "When I returned to the Council with Asher and bargained with them, the price for them saving his life was my freedom. I spent two years inside a coffin, unable to feed, unable to sit up, unable ..." He was hugging his arms, holding himself. "I know that what I have done to Damian is a terrible thing, but my only alternative was to kill him. Would you have preferred that?"
"No."
"Yet, I see the accusation in your eyes. I am a monster because of what I have done to him. But you would feel me more a monster if I had killed him. Or perhaps you would have preferred that I let him go into the city streets and slaughter people."
"Damian would never do that."
"He went mad, ma petite. He became an alien. Do you remember the couple that was slaughtered about six months ago?"
"I saw several slaughtered couples over the last year. You'll need to be more specific."
He was angry now, too. Great, we could be angry together. "They were in a car, at a stoplight. The front of the car was dented as if they had hit a body, but no body was found."
"Yeah, I remember that one. They had their throats torn out. The woman had tried to defend herself. She had wounds on her arms where something had clawed at her."
"Asher found Damian wandering a few blocks from the car. He was covered in blood. He fought Asher, and it took over half a dozen of us to bind him and bring him home. Was I supposed to let him wander the streets after that?"
"You should have called me," I said.
"And what? You would have executed him? If insanity is a viable plea in your court system, then he cannot be held accountable. But your court system does not give us the same privileges it gives humans. We cannot plead insanity and live."
"I saw that crime scene. It didn't look like a vampire did it. It looked more like a shapeshifter, but ... but the marks were wrong." I shook my head. "It was vicious, a vicious animal."
"Oui, and so I locked him away and hoped that you would come home to us, or sense his plight. At first I did nothing to block him from reaching you but you did not come."
"I didn't know."
"You knew that Damian was yours, and yet you did not ask about him. You cast him away."
"I didn't know," I said, again, each word tight with anger.
"And I had no choice, Anita. I had to put him away."
"Do you think the insanity is permanent?"
He shrugged, arms still hugging his body. "If you were a vampire and he your vampire child, I would say no. But you are not vampire, you are necromancer, and I simply do not know."
"If he stays that crazy ..."
"He will have to be destroyed," Jean-Claude said, voice soft.
"I didn't mean for this to happen."
"Nor did I."
We stood there for a few moments while I thought about everything and Jean-Claude either thought about it, too, or just stood there. "If all you're saying is true, then you had no choice," I said.
"But you are still angry with me. You will still punish me for it."
I glared up at him. "What do you want me to say? That knowing you've shoved him in a box for six months takes the sparkle out of our relationship? Yeah, it bothers me."
"Under normal circumstances you would rescue Damian and avoid me for a time until your anger cooled."
I nodded. "Yeah, that's about right."
"But you will need me, ma petite, in these first few nights. You will need another vampire with the same hungers to teach you control."
"Can't live with you, can't live without you, is that it?"
"I hope your anger cools before you need my help again, but I fear it will not. Remember this, ma petite, that the ardeur is not bound by morals, or even by your preferences. If you fight it long enough, hard enough, you will eventually give in, and it will be out of your control who it chooses. So do this one thing for me, if you cannot forgive me right away, keep always by your side either Nathaniel or the Nimir-Raj. Not for my sake, but for yours. For I think, of the two of us, I would forgive you sooner for sleeping with strangers than you would."
We pretty much left the conversation there. I found Asher and had him confirm the story. Hell, I waited for Willie McCoy to climb out of his coffin and heard the story from him. Damian had gone ape-shit and killed a couple that apparently hit him with their car. The man had gotten out to check on whoever they hit. They had hurt him and Damian struck out, killing the man. But the woman ... he'd climbed into the car after her. We might have to kill him, because I hadn't understood what my magic meant to Damian. I hadn't understood a lot of things.
I drove out in the soft summer dusk with Nathaniel riding beside me. It had been a very long day. I was going to go home and pick up Rafael and the wererats, and Micah and his pard. He'd left a number at the shapeshifter hospital, and I'd called for it. I almost didn't call, but we needed backup tonight. My embarrassment was a small price to pay. If I had been in contact with Jean-Claude and Richard for the last half year, I probably could have talked Richard out of doing all the shit he'd done to his pack. I'd come home to try and reestablish a relationship, or two, but I was mostly cleaning up the mess that my absence had made. Richard might be dead at the full moon, and Jacob, Ulfric. Damian might be permanently crazy and have to be destroyed. The couple that had hit him with their car would have been alive if I'd known what the hell my magic was doing.
I'd avoided a lot of Marianne's teachings because it was too much like pure witchcraft for my monotheistic beliefs, but I knew now that I had to understand how my powers worked. I couldn't afford to be squeamish. God kept telling me I was okay with Him. I wasn't evil. But at some level I didn't believe it. At some level I thought that witchcraft, raising the dead, wasn't very Christian. If God was okay with me doing it, then what was my problem? I'd prayed about it often enough and gotten the answer more than once. The answer was to do it, that this was what I needed to be doing. If God was for it, then who was I to question it? Look where my arrogance had gotten us. Two dead, one crazy, and if Richard lost the pack ... there'd be a lot more dead.
I felt a quietness inside me as I drove. Usually the touch of God is golden and warm, but sometimes when I've been really slow and not picked up on what He's wanted for me, I get this kind of quiet sadness, like a parent watching a child learn a necessary hard lesson. I'd never once prayed to God about Richard and Jean-Claude--not about who to choose anyway. It just hadn't seemed right to ask God to help me choose a lover, especially when I thought I knew who He'd pick. I mean vampires are evil, right?
But driving through the falling darkness, feeling His soft presence fill the car, I realized that I hadn't asked because I'd been afraid of the answer. I drove and I prayed, and I didn't get an answer, but I knew He heard me.
I WAS NAKED again. It seemed to be a theme that night. The five of us lay in a heap, breathing hard, bodies tingling, with that rush that magic will leave behind sometimes--where you feel both tired and exhilarated at the same time--sort of like sex. Asher and Nathaniel lay on the bed just out of my reach. My mouth, chin, and neck were covered in Jason's blood. He lay with his head on my chest, his head turned so I could see the neck wound. I'd marked Nathaniel and Micah, but there was a piece of meat missing from Jason's neck. It wasn't a big piece, but it was a missing piece of flesh, nonetheless.
I swallowed hard, taking deep, even breaths. I would not throw up. I would not throw up. I would not throw up. I was going to throw up. I pushed everyone off the bed and ran for the bathroom. I threw up, and the flesh--about the size of a fifty-cent piece--came up just like it had gone down--whole. There was something about seeing it, about having my worst fears confirmed that brought nausea in a burning wave. I threw up until I thought my head would explode and I was dry heaving.
There was a knock on the door. "Ma petite, may I come in?" He hadn't asked if I was alright. Smart vampire. I didn't answer him, just stayed kneeling with my head against the cool bathtub edge, wondering if I was going to throw up again or my head would fall off first. My head hurt worse than my stomach.
I heard the door open. "Ma petite?"
"I'm here," I said, my voice sounding thick, as if I'd been crying. I kept my head down. I didn't want to see him, or anyone.
I saw the edge of the black robe, then more of it as he knelt down in front of me. "Is there anything I can get you?"
A dozen answers flew through my mind, most of them sarcastic, but I settled for, "Some aspirin and a toothbrush."
"You could ask me to cut my heart out at this moment, and I might do it. Instead you ask for aspirin and a toothbrush." He leaned in and laid the gentlest of kisses on the top of my head. "I will get what you ask." He stood, and again I heard a drawer opening and closing.
I looked up and watched him move efficiently around the bathroom, setting out a bottle of aspirin and a toothbrush and a choice of toothpastes. It was absurdly domestic, and the black-furred robe didn't fit the part. Jean-Claude looked like someone who should have servants, and he did. But mostly around me he'd always done for himself, and for me. When I wasn't around he probably had fifty dancing girls waiting on him hand and foot. But with me, it was often just him.
He brought me the aspirin and a glass of water. I took them, and there was a moment when I wasn't sure my stomach would keep them down, but it passed. Jean-Claude helped me stand, and I let him. It wasn't just that my legs were shaky--though they were--it was more like all of me was shaky, uncertain.
I started to shiver and couldn't stop. Jean-Claude held me against his robe in the circle of his arms. My breast hurt where it rubbed against the cloth. I pulled back enough to look down at my body. There was a perfect imprint of Nathaniel's teeth encircling my breast around the areola. He'd only drawn blood in a few places, but the rest was a deep red-purple. It was going to be a hell of a bruise if my body didn't heal it first.
Jean-Claude traced his finger across the upper part of the bite mark, and I winced. "Why is it things like this never hurt while you're doing them?"
"The question is its own answer, ma petite."
Strangely, I understood what he meant. "It's almost a mirror of what I did to his chest."
"Nathaniel is being cautious, I think."
"What do you mean?"
"He did nothing to you that you had not done to him first."
"I thought they were both carried away with the ardeur and Belle Morte."
"The first time you feel the call of her power it is heady stuff. But the fact Jason did something that he knew you would not allow, and Nathaniel didn't, may mean that Nathaniel has more control of himself than Jason does."
"I would have thought it was the other way around."
"I know," he said, and the way he said it made me look at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, ma petite, that you may know Nathaniel's heart's desire, but I do not think you truly know him."
"He doesn't know himself," I said.
"In part that is true, but I think he will surprise you."
"Are you hiding something from me?"
"About Nathaniel, no."
I sighed. "You know on another day I'd make you tell me what that cryptic remark meant, but damn it, I want a little comfort from someone right now, and I guess you're it."
His eyebrows raised. "When you ask in so flattering a manner, how can I refuse?"
"No games, please, Jean-Claude, please, just hold me."
He drew me back into the circle of his arms, and I moved so that the bite mark wasn't hurting, or rather wasn't hurting more than it already did. It had turned into a throbbing pain, sharp when touched. It did hurt, but a part of me found that satisfying. It was a confirmation of what we'd done, a painful souvenir of something that had been amazing. If my morals hadn't gotten in the way, I could have just marveled at the whole thing.
"Why am I pleased that Nathaniel marked me?" I asked it in a small voice, because I wasn't a hundred percent sure Jean-Claude shouldn't have been jealous about it.
He stroked my hair, as his other arm held me close. "I can think of many reasons." His voice vibrated through his chest against my ear, mingling with the sound of his heartbeat.
"One that makes sense to me would be enough," I said.
"Ah, one that makes sense to you, now that is a different question."
I squeezed my arms around his waist. "No games, remember, just tell me."
"It could be that you are truly becoming his Nimir-Ra." His arm tightened around me. "I do feel something different in you, ma petite, some wildness that was not there before. It does not feel like Richard's beast feels, but it is a difference. It may simply be that as Nathaniel's Nimir-Ra you want closer contact with him."
It made sense. It was hard to argue with the logic of it, but I wanted to. "What could be the other reasons?"
"Belle Morte treated you as a vampire of her line. If through the marks or your necromancy you have some of the powers of a vampire, you may have others. It could be that leopards will be your animal to call. I admit that the first is the more likely reason, but the second is also possible."
I leaned back enough to see his face. "Are you attracted to the wolves?" I asked.
"I find it pleasant to have the wolves around me. It is comforting to touch them like a ... pet, or lover."
I wasn't sure how I felt about him using pet and lover in the same sentence, but I let it go. "So you want to have sex with the werewolves?"
"Do you want to have sex with Nathaniel?"
"No ... not exactly."
"But you want to touch him and be touched?"
I had to think about that for a few seconds. "I guess so."
"In a true joining of animal and vampire, there is a desire in both to touch, for one to serve and the other to take care of them."
"Padma, the Master of Beasts, treated his animals like shit."
"One of the many reasons that Padma will always be a secondary power on the Council is his belief that all power must be taken, that all power must come through fear. True power comes when others offer it to you and you merely accept it as a gift, not as the spoils of some personal war."
"So the fact that you treat your wolves better than most is just, what, a political decision?"
He shrugged, still holding me against him. "I do not know how other vampires feel. I know only that Belle Morte felt attracted to her cats and I feel the same for my wolves. Perhaps it is only her line that turns the bond between animal and vampire into something like lovers? Much of her power fed into sex, or at least, attraction, and perhaps that is not how others feel?" He frowned. "I had not truly thought about that before. Perhaps it is another benefit of her lineage--or a shortfall of it--that most of my powers turn to something resembling sex."
"Does Asher feel the same way about his animal to call?"
"He has no animal to call."
I widened my eyes. "I thought all master vamps over a certain age had an animal to call."
"Most of the time they do, but not always. Just as his bite can give true sexual release and mine cannot. We have different powers."
"But not having an animal to call is like a major ..."
"It means he is weaker than I am."
"But he could still be Master of the City somewhere else. I mean I've met Masters of the City that had no animal to call before."
"If there was a territory vacant in this country, and he would be willing to leave us, then yes, he might rise to Master of the City."
I started to ask, Then why doesn't he go? But I was pretty sure I knew the answer, and it was a painful answer, so I left it unsaid. Maybe I was growing up at last. Not every thought that came into my head had to come out of my mouth.
"Or it could simply be that you've wanted Nathaniel for a very long time. There is satisfaction in finally giving in to the desire."
I pushed away from him. "You know, you're not very good at this comforting stuff."
"You said no games. Isn't a lie the same as playing a game?"
I frowned at him. "I did not have sex with Nathaniel."
"Come, ma petite, you did not have intercourse, but to say you did not have sex is splitting the hair a little too fine, no?"
I glared at him and tried to be angry, but there was something closer to panic than anger making my heart beat faster. "Are you saying that what we just did qualifies as sex?"
"Are you saying that it did not?"
I turned so I couldn't see his face, hugging my arms around myself. I finally turned back to look at him. I tried leaning against the wall, but the tiles were cold and I was still naked. I needed my clothes, but they were out in the other room, and I was so not ready to see the other men again.
"So you're saying that we had sex--all of us?"
He took a deep breath. "What answer do you want, ma petite?"
"Truth would be nice."
"No, you do not want the truth. I thought that you did, or I would have taken better care about what I said." He looked tired. "I am glad you are the woman that you are, but there are moments when I wish that you could simply enjoy something without being chased around the room by your guilt and your morals afterwards. What we did tonight is a glorious thing. A thing to be shared and treasured, not something to be ashamed of."
"I was doing better with it before you told me it counts as sex."
"And the fact that I had to tell you that it counts as sex means you are still lying to yourself more than I have ever tried to lie to you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
He held up a hand. "I will say no more about this. You do not want the truth, and you told me not to lie. I am out of options."
I hugged myself and frowned at the floor. I tried to wrap my mind around what he'd said, what we'd done, and I just couldn't do it. We needed a change of topic, fast.
"Jason acted like a power substitute for Richard," I said.
"Oui." He let me change the subject without a word or a change in expression.
"I didn't know we could do that."
"Nor did I." He took those few gliding steps that put him beside me again. "If it is comfort that you want, more than truth, then I can do that." He touched my chin, raised my face so that our gazes met. "But you must tell me when you do not want the truth, ma petite. It is usually your greatest demand on me."
I stared up into his beautiful face and understood what he was offering-- comfort, but not honesty. Comforting lies, because I didn't want to hear the truth. "I don't want you to lie to me, but I'm about at my limit for hard truths for the day. I need a breather."
"You want a space of calm to think about everything. I understand that. I can even give it to you for a few hours, but you have to confront Richard at the lupanar tonight, and I fear that more hard truths await you there."
I put my face against his chest, cuddled into the smoothness of his skin, caught between the furred lapels. "Your bringing up Richard isn't going to make me feel better."
"My apologies." He was rubbing my back with his hands, over and over. The movement made the fur on the sleeves rub up and down my body, from my butt to my shoulders. It was soothing and not soothing at the same time. I looked up at him and didn't know whether to cry or scream. "I thought I fed the ardeur."
His hands went still against my body. "You have, and you have fed it well, but it is always just below the surface. Like being full but still admiring a beautifully made dessert."
I didn't really like the analogy, but couldn't think of a better one. I pressed my body into his robe, let him cradle me against his body, and listened to the comforting beat of his heart.
I spoke with my face pressed against his chest, the black furred edge of the lapels tickling my lips. "Why didn't you warn me that she could do that?"
"If you were a vampire of my line, then I would have warned you, but you not vampire, you are human, and it should not work that way for you."
I leaned back enough to see his face. "Can she enter any of her ... children?"
"No, her ability to look in upon her children only lasts for a few nights. Once the new vampire is strong enough to control its own hunger, then she is unable to enter, as if some door closes that was held open before."
"She called my beast, or beasts, or whatever the hell is going on with me. She called it to the surface like she knew what she was doing."
"Her animal to call is all great cats."
"So, leopards," I said.
He nodded. "Among other things."
"I thought only the Master of Beasts could call more than one animal."
"It was the ability he came with from almost the beginning, but many of the oldest grow into a variety of powers. She began, as I understand it, able to call only leopards, then one by one the other great cats answered to her."
"If I really am a wereleopard, will she be able to control me--if she meets me?"
"You cast her out, ma petite. You can answer your own question, can you not?"
"You're saying I kicked her butt once, I can do it again."
"Something like that, oui."
I pushed away from him, my fingers trailing down his arms under the heavy robe until our hands touched. "Trust me, Jean-Claude, one victory doesn't guarantee you'll win the war."
"This was not a small victory, ma petite. Never in all her two thousand years of life has any of her line defied her as you just did." He'd bent at the waist just a little to kiss my hands, showing a long, thin triangle of his chest and upper stomach. My gaze followed that line of pale flesh down into the shadow that hid the rest of him. For once I didn't want to undo the robe. Part of it was that I was well ... satisfied, and part of it--most of it--was that I had just had sex with four men at once, and my discomfort level was just a little too high to think about any sex for a while.
"I knew that vampires could make the bite pleasant, but I never dreamed it felt like that," I said.
"It is one of Asher's gifts to make his bite orgasmic."
I looked at him.
He nodded. "Oui, ma petite, I can make it pleasant, but not that pleasant."
"Asher bit me once, and it wasn't orgasmic."
"He drew back when he realized he had rolled your mind without intending to. He ... behaved himself."
I raised my eyebrows at that. If tonight was the real thing, he'd more than behaved himself. "You fed off of it, too, and Belle Morte, as well."
"It was a feast, was it not?" And something in the way he said it made me blush. "I do not mean to embarrass you, ma petite, but it was glorious. I have not shared Asher's gift in over two hundred years. I had almost made myself forget what it was like."
"So you can't do this without Belle Morte."
"One of her gifts is to be a bridge, a connection, between her children. That allowed the sharing of gifts."
"I cast her out, Jean-Claude, it won't be happening again."
"And we are both thrilled. I do not think you understand the risk we all took, ma petite. If you had failed to cast her out, then she could have done things to us, even from such a distance. We are the only two of her line that ever left her side willingly. Some were exiled, but none simply left, and she is not a woman that takes rejection well."
That was an understatement. "She saw Asher through my eyes. I felt her regret that she'd let him go, that she hadn't seen him the way I did."
He turned his head to one side. "Then perhaps even a very old dog can learn new tricks."
I swallowed, and something about it made me very aware of the taste of blood and other things in my mouth. I had to get cleaned up.
I went to the sink and watched him in the mirror behind me. I'd known I was nude, but it wasn't until I saw myself in the mirror that I really noticed it. I'd managed to wipe most of the blood off my mouth with toilet paper, but it was still clinging to my chest and my neck. "I really need a robe of my own," I said.
"I would offer you mine," he said.
I shook my head, reaching for the toothbrush. Normally, I would have washed the blood off first, but I wanted that taste out of my mouth more. "You naked around me right now is not what I need."
"I will send ..." he hesitated, "Asher for a robe for you."
"You started to say Jason, didn't you?"
He looked at me in the mirror.
"I know he'll heal, but ... I could have really hurt him," I said.
"But you didn't, and that is what matters."
"Pretty to think so," I said.
He smiled, but not like he was happy. "I will send Asher for a robe."
"Great. Thank you."
I squeezed toothpaste onto the brush as he went for the door. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. "Normally you would owe your pomme de sangs some gift or show of gratitude for serving you."
"I think they've had all the gratitude they're getting from me for one day.
He laughed, and the sound rode over my body like a caress of silk. "Oh, yes, ma petite, and I think they would agree, but I tell you this for later. You must reward your pomme de sang for his, or her, services."
"Money wouldn't do it?" I asked.
The look on his face said he was truly insulted, outraged, in fact. "You have just shared something more intimate than most people will ever know with another being. They have given us a great gift this day, and they are not whores, Anita." My real name, I was in trouble. "They are pomme de sangs, think of them as beloved mistresses."
I frowned at him.
"Today the sharing of pleasure was reward enough, but you will need to feed the ardeur every day, and unless it is a feeding worthy of the thirst, more than once a day for a few weeks."
"What are you saying?" I asked.
"I am saying that it would be best if you chose a pomme de sang and kept him near you, for you do not truly know yet what your hunger is like. It may be a light thing, easily tended, or it may not."
"You're saying I'll need to do this every day?"
"Yes."
"Fuck."
He shook his head. "Was today so horrible, ma petite? Was the pleasure you gained so very small?"
"It's not that. It was glorious, and you know it. But we'll never be able to duplicate that, not without Belle Morte, and I don't want a return visit from her."
"Nor do I. But there are many things that can be done to feed, and when you have some control I will teach you to feed from a distance."
"When?"
"A few weeks."
"Shit." I turned back to the mirror, not looking at him. "How do I pick a pomme de sang?"
"I think you already have," he said.
I looked at him. "You mean Nathaniel."
He nodded.
"No, I ... I don't trust myself not to lose control and ... you know what I mean."
"He is lovely to the eye, and he cares for you. Would it be so very wrong?"
"Yes, yes, it would be like child molesting. He can't say no. If a person can't say no, then it's the same as rape."
"Perhaps what you do not wish to acknowledge, ma petite, is that Nathaniel knows exactly what he wants, and what he wants is you."
"He wants me to dominate him in every sense of the word."
"It is best if a pomme de sang is submissive to you."
I shook my head.
"Then who else would you want to risk being carried away with, your Nimir-Raj?" This time there was something in his voice.
"You are jealous."
"The Nimir-Raj is not a pomme de sang, a mistress, a dessert, no matter how delectable. He is an entree, a very, very main course, and I wish to be the only entree at your table."
"You were sharing me with Richard, and he certainly wasn't just dessert."
"Very true, but he also had ties to me. He is my wolf to call, and that is a different ... relationship to me, to you, than some stranger."
"I know it was the ardeur, but damn, I've never ..."
"You are not a woman of casual lusts. No, ma petite, you are not. And I fear that this Nimir-Raj is no more casual than the rest of your lusts." He looked so serious when he said it, solemn.
"What do you mean?"
"If you are truly his Nimir-Ra, then you will be drawn to him. There is no help for it. And truthfully, I cannot fault your taste. He is not as fair of face as our Richard, but he does have certain compensations." The look on his face made me blush again.
I turned to the sink and started brushing my teeth, and he took it as a dismissal. He went out laughing. When the door was closed behind him and I was alone I stood for a long time looking at myself in the mirror. It still looked like me. But I could taste Jason's blood underneath the toothpaste. I started scrubbing and spitting and running the cold water, listening to the sound of the water instead of the screaming inside my head.
When Jean-Claude came back into the room I was rinsing the blood out of the washrag I'd used and had three different kinds of mouthwash sitting beside the sink. I'd used all three, and I couldn't taste anything but minty freshness. You could scrub yourself clean of the blood and the taste of it in your mouth, but the stains that really mattered were the ones that no amount of soap or water could touch. I'd have said that things couldn't get any worse, but I knew they could, and rapidly. If I locked myself away for a few days until I could control the ardeur, the werewolves would vote without me there, and they'd execute Gregory. If they killed Gregory, it wasn't just Jacob that I'd kill. It would be war between me, my pard, and Richard's pack. Richard was just Boy Scout enough to get in my way, and maybe force me to kill him. Something inside of me would die if Richard died, and if I pulled the trigger ... some things you recover from, some things you don't. Killing Richard would be one of those things I wouldn't recover from.
Jean-Claude said softly, "Are you alright, ma petite?"
I shook my head, but said, "Sure."
He held a bundle of blue satin out to me. "Then you need to get dressed, and I will escort you back outside."
I looked at him. "Is it that obvious that I don't want to go back out there?"
"Jason has been taken to his room. He will heal. But we thought it would upset you to see him. Nathaniel awaits your pleasure, since he did drive you."
"What about Asher?"
"He took Jason away."
"You know we have the answer to the question you've been wanting to know," I said.
We looked at each other. "I felt his release, ma petite. I know that he has been tormenting me, allowing me to believe he was ruined. But we still do not know how badly scarred he is, and that is a ruin of a different sort."
"You mean he may feel he's so scarred that he doesn't want anyone to see him, or touch him?"
"Oui."
"Until the two of you touched the boys, the ardeur didn't spread to you. Belle Morte didn't spread to you. It's like a disease," I said.
"I have seen that particular disease set loose in a banquet room the size of a football field and spread from person to person until all fell upon each other in a ... well, orgy is too mild a word."
"What did she gain from making a whole room of humans lose control like that?"
"She gains power from every feeding around her, but it was not that alone. She wished to see if there were limits to the number of people she could spread the desire through."
"Did she find her limit?"
"No."
"So hundreds of people," I said.
He nodded.
"And she fed off of the lust from them all?"
"Oui."
"What did she do with all that power?"
"She helped a marquis seduce a king and changed the trade routes and alliances of three countries."
I widened my eyes. "Well, at least it didn't go to waste."
"Belle has many faults, but the wasting of an advantage is not one of them."
"What did she gain through all the political maneuvering?"
"Land, titles, and a king that adored her. Remember, ma petite, that this was at a time in history when to be king of a nation meant to be absolute monarch. His word was life and death, and she ruled him through the sweet secrets of her body."
"No one is that good in bed."
A look passed over his face--a small smile that he tried to hide.
"If she was that wonderful, then why did you and Asher leave her the first time?"
"Asher had been with Belle for many years before I arrived, and more beyond that before he found Julianna. He and I were in the circle of innermost power, where many strived for centuries to get to and failed. We were her favorites until Asher found Julianna. It did not occur to me until decades later that Belle was jealous, but I think in a way that was it. She slept with other men, other vampires, and she was content that Asher and I shared each other's beds, and that we went to the vampires she chose to share us with. But another woman that we chose ourselves--that was different. But it is one of our most sacred laws not to harm another's human servant, so Belle did nothing. Then Asher offered Julianna to me, and we became a menage a trois, and that raised the question of Julianna sleeping with others."
He looked down at the floor, then up again. "Arturo was one of her favorites as well. He desired Julianna, but Asher refused him."
"Asher refused him, not Julianna," I said.
"She was his servant. She could not deny if he had consented."
"Ick," I said.
He shrugged. "It was a different century, ma petite, and Julianna was a different woman than you are."
"So why did Asher refuse?" I asked.
"He feared for Julianna's safety. We both did."
"Arturo liked it rough?"
"Mother Nature had made it almost impossible for Arturo to have it any way but rough."
I looked at him. "What do you mean?"
He gave that graceful shrug again. "Arturo is still the most well-endowed man I have ever seen."
It was my turn to shrug. "So?"
He shook his head. "You do not understand, ma petite. He is bien outille, well tooled. Ah, what is the English? ... Hung like a horse."
I started to point out that Richard was pretty well-endowed, but it's bad form to point out to boyfriend A that boyfriend B is bigger. Micah was better endowed even than Richard, but again, it didn't seem the thing to mention. I was finally left with, "I've seen two men that were hung like horses, as you say, and it was intimidating, but ... you're implying that you feared for Julianna's safety because he was so big."
"That is exactly what I am saying."
"No one's that big."
"Arturo makes even our Richard and your Nimir-Raj seem ungraced."
I blushed and wished I hadn't. "Those weren't the two men I was referring to."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Indeed?"
The way he said it made me blush harder. "In New Mexico, one of Edward's backups, and one of the bad guys."
"And how did you happen to see just how well-graced they were, ma petite? There was something in his voice, a hint of warmth, like the beginnings of anger.
"I did not have sex with anyone."
"Then how did you see them nude?" His voice still held that warm edge, and I couldn't really blame him.
"Bernardo, Edward's backup, and I got questioned by a local biker gang, uh club. They didn't believe he was my boyfriend. They asked if he was circumcised, and I said yes. I figured I had a better than fifty-fifty chance in America. They made him drop his pants to prove it."
"Under some threat, I assume." He was looking more amused than angry now.
"Yeah."
"And the other one?"
"He tried to rape me."
Jean-Claude's eyes went wide. "What became of him?"
"I killed him."
He touched my face, gently. "I have only recently understood why I was so very attracted to you from almost the first time I heard you interact with the police."
"Not love at first sight," I said, "but love at first hearing. I don't have that good a voice."
"Do not underestimate the dulcet sounds of your voice, ma petite, but it was not the sound of your voice that fascinated me. It was your words. I knew from the moment I heard you, the moment I saw the gun and realized that this lovely, petite woman was the executioner, that you would never die waiting for me to save you--that you would save yourself."
I cupped his hand against my cheek, looked into his eyes and saw again that sorrow for failing to save Julianna that never quite left him. "So you wanted me because I was such a tough broad?"
He let me make the joke. He even smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "Oui, ma petite."
My voice was soft when I said, "So Arturo wanted Julianna."
He took his hand back, slowly. "And she feared him, and we feared for her. This is two hundred years ago, a little more now. Asher was not as powerful as he is now, and we feared that his human servant would not survive Arturo's attentions."
"I've got to ask, how big was he?"
Jean-Claude spaced his hands apart like you'd measure a fish. "Like this big." It looked to be about six inches.
"That's not so big."
"That is how wide he was," Jean-Claude said.
I just gaped at him. "You're exaggerating."
"No, ma petite, believe me, I remember."
"Then how long was he?"
He made another measuring movement. I laughed because I didn't believe him. "Oh, please. You're saying he was what, about six inches wide and over a foot long? No way."
"Yes, way, ma petite."
"You said Arturo was one of Belle's favorites. Does that mean she ..."
"Had sex with him, oui."
I frowned, couldn't think of a slick way to say it, so just blurted out, "Didn't it hurt her?"
"She was a woman with a large capacity for men in every way."
Gee, that was polite. "Most women wouldn't be able to ... accommodate that" I said.
"No," he agreed.
"Did she want to kill Julianna?"
"No, she believed Arturo would not harm her."
"Why?"
He licked his lips, which he rarely did, and looked uncomfortable, which he did even less often. "Let us say that something that Belle Morte taught Asher and me to take pleasure in, we also did with Julianna."
I frowned at him, because I so did not have a clue. "If you're hinting, I'm not getting it."
"I would rather not discuss it, now. Perhaps at a later time."
I frowned harder. "What aren't you telling me?"
He shook his head. "I think, ma petite, that you would rather not know."
I looked at him. "You know, Jean-Claude, there was a time--not that long ago--that I'd have thrown a fit and made you tell me everything. But now if you tell me I don't want to know, then I'll just believe you. I really am not up to hearing intimate and shocking details about your vampire sex life. I've had enough shocks in that area for one day."
"Ma petite, I think you are growing up at last."
"Don't push it. And I'm not growing up, I'm just getting tired."
"As are we all, ma petite, as are we all."
I let the royal blue satin robe fall from my hands. It had wide lace sleeves and more lace at what passed for the lapels, to curve in flowers down the sides. It was beautiful and fit me perfectly. Most robes are too long for me. He'd probably bought it with me in mind. I belted it in place and didn't want to ask any more questions about the ardeur and sex and vampire stuff. But some things had to be clear between us.
"I need to get this straight, Jean-Claude."
"Oui, ma petite."
"You say that what we did was sex, so in effect I had sex with everyone?"
He just nodded.
"You don't seem at all jealous about that."
"I was participating, ma petite. Why should I be jealous?"
The answer confused me more. I frowned up at him. "Okay, let me try this again. You say the ardeur may need to be fed more than once a day. We can't count on you being Johnny-on-the-spot when it happens. I can sleep over here, but ..."
"You may need to feed when I am not awake. This is very possible, in fact, it is likely."
"Okay, then what are the rules?"
It was his turn to frown. "What do you mean, ma petite?"
"Rules. I mean like what will make you jealous and what won't? What, or who, am I supposed to stay away from?"
He started to smile, then stopped. "You are one of the most cynical people I have ever met, the most practical in a life-and-death context, and if you knew some of the people I had met, you would understand the compliment that is. But you are also very earnest, like a child. It is a type of innocence that I do not think you will ever outgrow. But I find it hard to deal with."
"It's a fair question."
"Indeed it is, but most people would not need to ask it so blandly. They would either ignore it and do the best they could when the need arose, or they would ask who among my people will I allow you to have sex with, without becoming angry."
It made me wince to hear him say it, but ... "I like the way I phrased the question better."
"I know. You are simultaneously one of the most direct women I know, and one of the most self-deluding."
"I am really not liking where this conversation's going."
"Fine, but I will answer my question, because it is the truth. If Nathaniel is your pomme de sang, then I will let intimacy with him pass. Jason as my pomme de sang is within his rights to make love with my human servant. It is considered a great gift for a vampire to share his servant with another, and Jason has earned that. He has served me faithfully for many years."
"I'm not a prize to be given away."
He held up a hand. "Hush, ma petite, I will answer the question, and I will try for truth, even though you do not want to hear it today. There are many things I would have told you today, if you had been in the mood for truth. But you are right, this we must have clear between us. I would simply have urged you to keep Nathaniel close at hand and let the cards fall as they may, but if you insist on a list, then I will give it to you, but not without reasons. Because I want it clear that I do not share you lightly, and there are men I will not share you with at all."
He was angry now, and his eyes had bled to sapphire flame. The rest of his body was very still, but the eyes gave it all away. He was in the grip of some strong emotion, probably anger, but I wasn't sure. And he was shielding like a son of a bitch, so something he was feeling, or thinking, he didn't want me to share.
"Asher is acceptable."
He didn't give the reasons for that one, and I didn't ask, because there were too many of them, most of them painful.
"If Richard comes to his senses, then of course." He smoothed his hands down the front of his robe; he often checked his clothes when he was nervous. "The Nimir-Raj will have to be acceptable, because he calls to you. Richard's beast calls to you through my marks, my ties to him, to it, but the Nimir-Raj, he calls to you, Anita." My real name again. He was not happy. "He calls to something in you, in your power. It may be that you are truly Nimir-Ra, and the full moon will see it true. Or it may be that, as with Nathaniel, you have found your animal to call. If you are drawn more strongly to all the leopards, then it could be for either reason. Be wary if the leopards are yours to call. It may not merely be Nathaniel and the Nimir-Raj that beckon."
"Please, don't tell me that I'm going to turn into slut-girl."
He smiled. "I do not think you need to fear that. You are stronger willed than that."
"You just said I might be tempted by the other wereleopards."
"If the Nimir-Raj or Nathaniel are not near you when the ardeur rises, then my advice is to give in to it instantly."
I gave him wide eyes.
"If you fight it, ma petite, it grows. If it grows large enough, then you may indeed turn into slut-girl. If you give in and feed immediately, then you will have sex with one person, not several, and it will be more a person of your choosing."
"So the real advice is, keep the men I prefer within easy reach."
"I would make Nathaniel, or someone of your choosing, your constant companion."
I swallowed hard and searched his face, but it was pleasantly blank--his expression when he didn't want me to know what he was thinking. His eyes had bled back to normal.
Something occurred to me. "I haven't seen Damian around."
"I speak of sex, and you think of Damian." His voice was still pleasant but the words held something harsh.
"You give me this list of people to sleep with, and not to sleep with, but you leave him off either list. And he wasn't at the club, and he didn't come to the bedroom, attracted by the power like Asher. Where is he?"
Jean-Claude rubbed his hands over his face. "I was going to tell you, then you decided you wanted no more hard truths today." He lowered his hands and looked at me.
"He's alive, I'd know it if he wasn't."
"Yes, I believe you would. There was a time when my first master made my heart beat. Her power suffused me, made me live. But her power came from her Master of the City, so it was in reality his power that filled me. Each master vampire that I belonged to demanded blood oaths, and each one in turn made my blood course, my heart move. Then Belle, herself, the head of my line, brought me in, and she filled me. She was like the pounding of the ocean, and all others before her were but rivers seeking to drown in her embrace. Gradually, I filled with my own power. But even now it is her lineage that makes me live. The power that made her is what keeps me alive. Damian is descended from her line, not from Belle herself, but from one of her children, as I am. I am Master of the City and the power that animates me, animates Damian. When he took the oaths that bound him to me, that made him loyal to me, it became my power that filled him, my power that made his heart beat. And I broke the tie with she who made him."
"You make all the vampires under you alive?" I made it a question.
"The power comes through me, yes, but only if they are of my line, my lineage. If they are descended from other than Belle's children, then no, the blood oaths do not bind as tightly."
"What about Asher? You don't make his heart beat."
He nodded. "Very good, ma petite. No, I do not. A Master Vampire is a vampire that has become enough of a power that they fill themselves up. It is one of the things that being a master means, and one of the reasons that many of the older vampire masters still kill their children when they feel that tie break."
"You're volunteering an awful lot of information, and don't think I'm not grateful, it's fascinating, but what does this all have to do with Damian?"
"You have raised Damian from his coffin once, filling him with your necromancy like a zombie. You have saved his life twice with your necromancy. You have forged a tie between him and you."
Actually, I knew that, but out loud I said, "He said that he couldn't tell me no if I gave him a direct order. That he wanted to serve me. It scared him."
"It should have."
"I didn't mean to do it, Jean-Claude. I didn't even know it was possible."
"Legends speak of necromancers that could control all types of undead, not merely zombies. It was at one time Council policy to slay all necromancers on sight."
"Gee, glad the policy changed."
"Yes," he said. "But you severed my tie with Damian. I did not realize it at first, but when he returned from Tennessee, it was not my power that made his heart beat, it was yours."
I remembered feeling that in Tennessee, feeling the tie between us. "It wasn't done deliberately," I said.
"I know that, but you left me with a problem when you went away for over half a year. Damian is over a thousand years old. Though not a Master Vampire, he is still powerful. He no longer had ties to any vampire hierarchy. It freed him of all blood oaths, of all mystically bound loyalties. He was yours, but you did not come to claim him."
"You should have told me."
"And what would you have done? Taken him home to live in your basement? You did not have the power or control six months ago to deal with him."
"Now I do. Is that what you're saying?"
"You cast out Belle Morte. One of the most powerful of the Council. If you can do that, ma petite, then you can handle Damian."
"This is all great, but where is Damian?"
"I could no longer count on his loyalty. I no longer controlled him, do you understand, ma petite? I had a vampire that was more than twice my age, and could not control him. It both made me look weak in others' eyes when I could not afford to appear weak, and it was dangerous, because he knew when you healed over your aura and shielded so tight. It wasn't only Richard and me who felt the loss of you. You cut Damian off, and he went a little ... mad."
I was scared now, my heart beginning to climb up my throat. "Where is Damian?"
"First, ma petite, understand that you cannot take him with you tonight because to tend him will be a full-time job for the first few hours."
"Just tell me," I said.
"I had to lock him away, ma petite.''
I stared at him. "Lock him away, how?"
He just looked at me, and it was eloquent.
"He's been locked in a cross-wrapped coffin for six months?"
"About that, yes."
"You bastard."
"I could have killed him, ma petite, that's what others would have done."
"Why didn't you?"
"Because it was partially my fault for exposing him to you. Damian was mine to protect, and I failed him."
"He's mine, mine to protect," I said.
"Yet, you deserted him."
"I didn't know. You should have told me."
"And six months ago would you have believed me? Or would you have thought it was some ploy to get you back into my life?"
I started to tell him, of course I'd have believed him, but I stopped and thought about it. "I don't know if I'd have believed you or not."
"I hoped that I would find a way to reestablish my dominance over him, but he is closed to me."
I swallowed hard and looked at him. "If he's mine, then why didn't I feel him when my shielding broke all to hell in New Mexico?"
"I have been blocking you from sensing him, and it has not been easy."
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, but it didn't help. I was so angry my skin felt hot. "You had no right to do that."
"Without the marks being married, I think Damian would have seduced you. Because you would have been drawn to him as you are drawn to Nathaniel now, or perhaps even the Nimir-Raj."
"I would not have fucked Damian without the ardeur helping me, and I didn't have that six months ago."
"You may have your vampire back tomorrow night. I will help you nurse him back to health."
"I'm coming back tonight to get him."
"Talk to Asher, ma petite. Ask him what it will take to nurse a vampire back from six months in the coffin. Damian is not a master; he has had no ability to feed or gain energy. He will come out of the coffin a starved, crazed thing. There will be very little left of him, at first." He was so calm while he said it.
I didn't know what to say. I wanted to hit him, but it wouldn't change anything. I wasn't even sure it would make me feel better. "I want him out tonight, when I get back from the lupanar."
"You will not be able to tend both your injured wereleopard and Damian tonight. Ask Asher, and he will tell you how much work goes into such as this. One more night will not make a difference to Damian, and tonight you are trying to prevent war between the leopards and the wolves. More than that, you are trying to make a strong enough show of force to convince Richard's enemies that he is too well-allied to be killed. You must concentrate on these things tonight, ma petite."
"I don't believe you," I said.
He shrugged. "Believe what you like, but it will take hours of care to make Damian sane again. It will take days of care, and blood, and warmth, to bring him back to himself."
"How could you know that and still do this to him?" My voice didn't even sound angry, just tired.
"I learned the lessons of the cross-wrapped coffin personally, ma petite. I have not done to Damian anything that has not been done to me."
"You were in it for a few days until I killed the old Master of the City."
He shook his head. "When I returned to the Council with Asher and bargained with them, the price for them saving his life was my freedom. I spent two years inside a coffin, unable to feed, unable to sit up, unable ..." He was hugging his arms, holding himself. "I know that what I have done to Damian is a terrible thing, but my only alternative was to kill him. Would you have preferred that?"
"No."
"Yet, I see the accusation in your eyes. I am a monster because of what I have done to him. But you would feel me more a monster if I had killed him. Or perhaps you would have preferred that I let him go into the city streets and slaughter people."
"Damian would never do that."
"He went mad, ma petite. He became an alien. Do you remember the couple that was slaughtered about six months ago?"
"I saw several slaughtered couples over the last year. You'll need to be more specific."
He was angry now, too. Great, we could be angry together. "They were in a car, at a stoplight. The front of the car was dented as if they had hit a body, but no body was found."
"Yeah, I remember that one. They had their throats torn out. The woman had tried to defend herself. She had wounds on her arms where something had clawed at her."
"Asher found Damian wandering a few blocks from the car. He was covered in blood. He fought Asher, and it took over half a dozen of us to bind him and bring him home. Was I supposed to let him wander the streets after that?"
"You should have called me," I said.
"And what? You would have executed him? If insanity is a viable plea in your court system, then he cannot be held accountable. But your court system does not give us the same privileges it gives humans. We cannot plead insanity and live."
"I saw that crime scene. It didn't look like a vampire did it. It looked more like a shapeshifter, but ... but the marks were wrong." I shook my head. "It was vicious, a vicious animal."
"Oui, and so I locked him away and hoped that you would come home to us, or sense his plight. At first I did nothing to block him from reaching you but you did not come."
"I didn't know."
"You knew that Damian was yours, and yet you did not ask about him. You cast him away."
"I didn't know," I said, again, each word tight with anger.
"And I had no choice, Anita. I had to put him away."
"Do you think the insanity is permanent?"
He shrugged, arms still hugging his body. "If you were a vampire and he your vampire child, I would say no. But you are not vampire, you are necromancer, and I simply do not know."
"If he stays that crazy ..."
"He will have to be destroyed," Jean-Claude said, voice soft.
"I didn't mean for this to happen."
"Nor did I."
We stood there for a few moments while I thought about everything and Jean-Claude either thought about it, too, or just stood there. "If all you're saying is true, then you had no choice," I said.
"But you are still angry with me. You will still punish me for it."
I glared up at him. "What do you want me to say? That knowing you've shoved him in a box for six months takes the sparkle out of our relationship? Yeah, it bothers me."
"Under normal circumstances you would rescue Damian and avoid me for a time until your anger cooled."
I nodded. "Yeah, that's about right."
"But you will need me, ma petite, in these first few nights. You will need another vampire with the same hungers to teach you control."
"Can't live with you, can't live without you, is that it?"
"I hope your anger cools before you need my help again, but I fear it will not. Remember this, ma petite, that the ardeur is not bound by morals, or even by your preferences. If you fight it long enough, hard enough, you will eventually give in, and it will be out of your control who it chooses. So do this one thing for me, if you cannot forgive me right away, keep always by your side either Nathaniel or the Nimir-Raj. Not for my sake, but for yours. For I think, of the two of us, I would forgive you sooner for sleeping with strangers than you would."
We pretty much left the conversation there. I found Asher and had him confirm the story. Hell, I waited for Willie McCoy to climb out of his coffin and heard the story from him. Damian had gone ape-shit and killed a couple that apparently hit him with their car. The man had gotten out to check on whoever they hit. They had hurt him and Damian struck out, killing the man. But the woman ... he'd climbed into the car after her. We might have to kill him, because I hadn't understood what my magic meant to Damian. I hadn't understood a lot of things.
I drove out in the soft summer dusk with Nathaniel riding beside me. It had been a very long day. I was going to go home and pick up Rafael and the wererats, and Micah and his pard. He'd left a number at the shapeshifter hospital, and I'd called for it. I almost didn't call, but we needed backup tonight. My embarrassment was a small price to pay. If I had been in contact with Jean-Claude and Richard for the last half year, I probably could have talked Richard out of doing all the shit he'd done to his pack. I'd come home to try and reestablish a relationship, or two, but I was mostly cleaning up the mess that my absence had made. Richard might be dead at the full moon, and Jacob, Ulfric. Damian might be permanently crazy and have to be destroyed. The couple that had hit him with their car would have been alive if I'd known what the hell my magic was doing.
I'd avoided a lot of Marianne's teachings because it was too much like pure witchcraft for my monotheistic beliefs, but I knew now that I had to understand how my powers worked. I couldn't afford to be squeamish. God kept telling me I was okay with Him. I wasn't evil. But at some level I didn't believe it. At some level I thought that witchcraft, raising the dead, wasn't very Christian. If God was okay with me doing it, then what was my problem? I'd prayed about it often enough and gotten the answer more than once. The answer was to do it, that this was what I needed to be doing. If God was for it, then who was I to question it? Look where my arrogance had gotten us. Two dead, one crazy, and if Richard lost the pack ... there'd be a lot more dead.
I felt a quietness inside me as I drove. Usually the touch of God is golden and warm, but sometimes when I've been really slow and not picked up on what He's wanted for me, I get this kind of quiet sadness, like a parent watching a child learn a necessary hard lesson. I'd never once prayed to God about Richard and Jean-Claude--not about who to choose anyway. It just hadn't seemed right to ask God to help me choose a lover, especially when I thought I knew who He'd pick. I mean vampires are evil, right?
But driving through the falling darkness, feeling His soft presence fill the car, I realized that I hadn't asked because I'd been afraid of the answer. I drove and I prayed, and I didn't get an answer, but I knew He heard me.
