Nash
Page 27
She twisted her hands together and had the nerve to look at me like this was somehow my fault.
“When you got older, you were too much. Too wild, too loud, too hard to handle. You didn’t want to dress nice or play with the right kind of kids, Grant was already resentful that he was raising Phil’s kid, but the way you were, how much you looked like Phil, it was his breaking point. It was just easier to let Phil handle you, try and put you on some kind of path, because where you were going wasn’t any kind of place Grant or I wanted any part of. You were always so much more Phil’s son than mine.”
My back teeth snapped together, and I felt my temper start to surge in an angry torrent under my skin.
“I was a kid. Maybe if you hadn’t constantly been on me about shit I couldn’t change, like my eye color, I would have picked a more acceptable path to you. You never gave me the chance. You were always too busy trying to make Grant happy to worry about what all that vitriol was doing to your kid.”
“You were always too much like your father, even though you didn’t know who he was.”
“He loved you, still does.”
Her mouth tightened and turned white at the corners.
“He loved the idea of me. He never really knew the real me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when I was older, when I went to live with him permanently?”
“He didn’t want to.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fine, he wanted me to be the one to tell you and I refused. I didn’t think Grant or I needed to deal with the fallout. You had moved on, Phil was a better parent to you than I ever could have been. It was all said and done.”
I wanted to throw something heavy at her. I wanted to break every stupid piece of Williams-Sonoma cookware in her fancy kitchen. My fingers curled into fists at my sides.
“But I’m still here, Mom. Still trying to live my life, and now the only father I’m ever going to have is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. You robbed me of that relationship because you didn’t want to deal with the fallout, because you didn’t want to inconvenience that dipshit husband of yours? How does any of that sound right to you?”
“What’s right for me has never been what’s right for you, Nashville. You don’t even use the name I gave you.”
“Because it’s ridiculous … all of it. What’s right for me isn’t what’s right for you because I’m an actual human being with feelings and emotions, and you, Mom … you’re a goddamn monster.”
I had always longed for her attention, thirsted for her love and approval, but now looking at her, seeing the absolute lack of remorse or regret in her eyes, I was thankful she had simply let me go. If I had tried any harder, worked any more to make her love me, who knew what kind of miserable, unfeeling robot I would have become at her hands. As an adult, I was still pissed at her, still resentful she had such an easy time letting me go, but I was also overwhelmingly grateful that I wasn’t anything like her and her people.
“I’m not a monster, Nash.” Finally, my name. “I’m just not the mother you wanted or needed, and frankly you were never the son I wanted or needed. Having you made it pretty clear I was never cut out to be someone’s mother. Why do you think Grant and I never had any more kids? We wanted it to just be us.”
“Thank God for that.”
I pushed off the counter and headed toward the door. I knew once I walked out I had no reason to ever come back. This solidified it for me, it was why Phil had pushed and pushed me to make her be the one and tell me the entire sordid tale. I was finally free of any chains to the past that she might have held. I didn’t need her approval. I was a good man, had a good life, had the best friends in the entire world, and I was working really hard on figuring out how to have a good woman on a permanent basis. There was no need for my mother to be proud of me or find worth in what I was doing, because I was proud of myself, and Phil had given me that.
It didn’t matter that I had no idea what to do with the new shop, or that Saint had me spinning in circles. I would figure it all out, and there was no way I was going to let him or anyone else down while doing it, not because I needed validation or appreciation, but because that was just the kind of guy I was. The kind of guy my father had raised me to be.
CHAPTER 12
Saint
I knew his visit with his mom was going to have him in a bad mood. He didn’t talk much about her, or why he had been raised mostly by Phil, and the fact he was quiet about it spoke to me more than I think words could. He’d mentioned more than once that the reason he was so quick to anger, so quick to run his mouth when he was younger, was because of how unhappy he was with his mom, that he acted out for attention and to rile her up, so I knew his visit was going to have him feeling raw and out of sorts. I wanted to do something to make him feel better.
He had gone out of his way to show me a good time, to take me out and keep things between us fun and playful, but always keeping a sexy edge to it all so that I knew he wanted me. I felt like it was time I returned the favor.
He showed up at my apartment sulking, thunderous, and in a full-on bad mood. His eyes were all dark and swirly, and no matter how much I tried to get him to talk about it, he just grunted one-syllable answers at me and scowled at nothing and no one in particular. I couldn’t really shake him out of it, and when I suggested we get out of the apartment, he just looked at me like I had lost my mind. Really he wasn’t fit to be around other people, but I couldn’t stand to see him so unhappy, so I was going to drag him into a better mood kicking and screaming if I had to.
It was a testament as to how much he wanted to please me, wanted me to have a good time, that he agreed to leave the apartment with me in the first place when clearly he would have been content to sit and wallow in his awful mood for the rest of the night. I could have kissed him all over his shaved head for that alone. When we got into the Jetta and he didn’t ask any questions as I drove downtown, I could only hope my plan didn’t backfire and end up with him in an even more sour state of mind.
I had to find a place to park and he gave me a questioning look as I took his hand and guided him toward the ice-skating rink that was located right in the heart of Denver’s downtown at Skyline Park. It was only open a few months out of the year, in the winter, and you could skate for free if you brought your own skates. It had always been one of my favorite parts of growing up in a cold-weather state. There was nothing like gliding around the ice in the dark while white lights twinkled over your head. There was something so fun about doing something so quaint right in the middle of such a metropolitan area … I hoped Nash felt the same way.
He looked at me and lifted one of his midnight-dark eyebrows.
“Seriously?”
I shrugged and bit my lip.
“What? It’ll be fun.”
“If by ‘fun’ you mean me spending the entire time on my ass, then yeah, fun.”
I bumped him with my shoulder and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“You used to skateboard. I’m sure you can keep your balance long enough to make it around a couple times without falling.”
I remembered him rolling around back in high school, so I was sure he would be fine despite the pensive look on his face.
“That was a long time ago, Saint.”
I made him let me pay the guy to rent us skates and secretly thrilled inside when we sat down to put them on and he got on his knees in front of me and helped me lace mine up. I couldn’t resist the urge to bend forward and kiss him on the top of his head. I liked the way the scruff of his supershort hair tickled my lips. I looked up when I heard giggles coming from a group of young girls watching us.
“You can concentrate on not falling, and it’ll take your mind off of today.”
He grunted at me again and rose to his feet in a graceful move that had my belly tightening and the girls next to us sighing. He begrudgingly put on his own skates and towered over me as we trudged out to the ice.
It was rough going for the first ten minutes. Nash was a big guy, and while he typically moved with a lot of grace and ease, perch him on a razor-fine blade on top of frozen water and he just sort of turned into an out-of-control freight train. I wanted to be sympathetic, wanted to help him out, but I wasn’t strong enough to keep him upright and his dirty mouth and hostile expression had me folded over in fits of laughter that were making it hard for me to stay upright myself.
Little kids buzzed around us. Teenage girls twirled and flittered by, obviously trying to catch his attention. Dudes on hockey skates blazed past in a bid to impress, but Nash was focused on trying to stay up and on me. He finally found his balance enough to make it around the rink once and I reached out to grab his hand. He snickered at me and squeezed my cold fingers.
“I’ve never been ice skating with a girl before.”
That made goose bumps run up and down my arms. He had been the first for me in so many ways, I never really thought I could return that for him.
“Good.”
I glided next to him and watched him out of the corner of my eye. Some of the tension that had been around his mouth and some of the darkness in his gaze had lightened.
“You know you can talk to me about it, right? About what went down with your mom today?”
I was doing a pretty good job at keeping him and this thing between us within boundaries I was comfortable with, but I didn’t want him to think that if he needed me to listen I wasn’t willing to do that. Sure, we had some killer sexual chemistry and a really intimate draw that pulled us together, but we also needed to like each other enough to share things with one another if we were going to keep hanging out.
His thumb traced over the back of my hand and I stumbled a little, almost taking us both down to the hard surface of the ice. He was just so good at being distracting.
“Nothing to talk about. She’s just as unpleasant as she always was, which makes me feel awful every time I talk to her. I left today knowing pretty much that I’m done with her. She’s not my family, she never was.”
I sucked in a breath and due to the cold air, it made my teeth hurt.
“That’s really sad.”
“I guess. It’s just the way it is.”
I had a fair amount of resentment built up at my dad, considering the way he had acted and the way he had chosen to leave my mom. But even though I didn’t approve, didn’t appreciate the drama and heartache he had caused, I couldn’t imagine just walking away from him forever. Couldn’t see myself ever just declaring that he was no longer a part of my life or my family. My insides twisted at the fact Nash had to make that kind of call on top of dealing with his father being so ill.
I squealed in surprise as the big body next to mine suddenly pitched forward and went down in a spectacular splay of strong arms and legs. Nash managed to turn before he hit the ice and I ended up hitting his chest with a thump that knocked the wind out of the both of us. He wrapped his arms around my waist and shook with silent laughter.
“Okay, Saint, you win. This is ridiculous. I can’t stay pissed off when my ass is broken.”
I rubbed my cold nose along the edge of his jaw.
“Well, I am a nurse. When we get home I can take care of all your boo-boos in the best way possible.”
I heard him sigh.
“Can you do it naked?”
I laughed because he was such a guy, and when I told him of course I could do it naked, that meant our time on the ice was over. It was nice, made me feel good about myself and about the way I was with him, that not only had I shaken off his dour mood, but I managed to make him laugh and take his mind somewhere else. I wanted to think that not anyone would’ve been able to achieve that, and when we got to the apartment and he proceeded to get us both very n*ked and very much into the best mood possible, I had to wonder if being with me like that was as special and different for him as being with him was for me. It sure felt that way.
“When you got older, you were too much. Too wild, too loud, too hard to handle. You didn’t want to dress nice or play with the right kind of kids, Grant was already resentful that he was raising Phil’s kid, but the way you were, how much you looked like Phil, it was his breaking point. It was just easier to let Phil handle you, try and put you on some kind of path, because where you were going wasn’t any kind of place Grant or I wanted any part of. You were always so much more Phil’s son than mine.”
My back teeth snapped together, and I felt my temper start to surge in an angry torrent under my skin.
“I was a kid. Maybe if you hadn’t constantly been on me about shit I couldn’t change, like my eye color, I would have picked a more acceptable path to you. You never gave me the chance. You were always too busy trying to make Grant happy to worry about what all that vitriol was doing to your kid.”
“You were always too much like your father, even though you didn’t know who he was.”
“He loved you, still does.”
Her mouth tightened and turned white at the corners.
“He loved the idea of me. He never really knew the real me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me when I was older, when I went to live with him permanently?”
“He didn’t want to.”
“Bullshit.”
“Fine, he wanted me to be the one to tell you and I refused. I didn’t think Grant or I needed to deal with the fallout. You had moved on, Phil was a better parent to you than I ever could have been. It was all said and done.”
I wanted to throw something heavy at her. I wanted to break every stupid piece of Williams-Sonoma cookware in her fancy kitchen. My fingers curled into fists at my sides.
“But I’m still here, Mom. Still trying to live my life, and now the only father I’m ever going to have is dying and there is nothing I can do about it. You robbed me of that relationship because you didn’t want to deal with the fallout, because you didn’t want to inconvenience that dipshit husband of yours? How does any of that sound right to you?”
“What’s right for me has never been what’s right for you, Nashville. You don’t even use the name I gave you.”
“Because it’s ridiculous … all of it. What’s right for me isn’t what’s right for you because I’m an actual human being with feelings and emotions, and you, Mom … you’re a goddamn monster.”
I had always longed for her attention, thirsted for her love and approval, but now looking at her, seeing the absolute lack of remorse or regret in her eyes, I was thankful she had simply let me go. If I had tried any harder, worked any more to make her love me, who knew what kind of miserable, unfeeling robot I would have become at her hands. As an adult, I was still pissed at her, still resentful she had such an easy time letting me go, but I was also overwhelmingly grateful that I wasn’t anything like her and her people.
“I’m not a monster, Nash.” Finally, my name. “I’m just not the mother you wanted or needed, and frankly you were never the son I wanted or needed. Having you made it pretty clear I was never cut out to be someone’s mother. Why do you think Grant and I never had any more kids? We wanted it to just be us.”
“Thank God for that.”
I pushed off the counter and headed toward the door. I knew once I walked out I had no reason to ever come back. This solidified it for me, it was why Phil had pushed and pushed me to make her be the one and tell me the entire sordid tale. I was finally free of any chains to the past that she might have held. I didn’t need her approval. I was a good man, had a good life, had the best friends in the entire world, and I was working really hard on figuring out how to have a good woman on a permanent basis. There was no need for my mother to be proud of me or find worth in what I was doing, because I was proud of myself, and Phil had given me that.
It didn’t matter that I had no idea what to do with the new shop, or that Saint had me spinning in circles. I would figure it all out, and there was no way I was going to let him or anyone else down while doing it, not because I needed validation or appreciation, but because that was just the kind of guy I was. The kind of guy my father had raised me to be.
CHAPTER 12
Saint
I knew his visit with his mom was going to have him in a bad mood. He didn’t talk much about her, or why he had been raised mostly by Phil, and the fact he was quiet about it spoke to me more than I think words could. He’d mentioned more than once that the reason he was so quick to anger, so quick to run his mouth when he was younger, was because of how unhappy he was with his mom, that he acted out for attention and to rile her up, so I knew his visit was going to have him feeling raw and out of sorts. I wanted to do something to make him feel better.
He had gone out of his way to show me a good time, to take me out and keep things between us fun and playful, but always keeping a sexy edge to it all so that I knew he wanted me. I felt like it was time I returned the favor.
He showed up at my apartment sulking, thunderous, and in a full-on bad mood. His eyes were all dark and swirly, and no matter how much I tried to get him to talk about it, he just grunted one-syllable answers at me and scowled at nothing and no one in particular. I couldn’t really shake him out of it, and when I suggested we get out of the apartment, he just looked at me like I had lost my mind. Really he wasn’t fit to be around other people, but I couldn’t stand to see him so unhappy, so I was going to drag him into a better mood kicking and screaming if I had to.
It was a testament as to how much he wanted to please me, wanted me to have a good time, that he agreed to leave the apartment with me in the first place when clearly he would have been content to sit and wallow in his awful mood for the rest of the night. I could have kissed him all over his shaved head for that alone. When we got into the Jetta and he didn’t ask any questions as I drove downtown, I could only hope my plan didn’t backfire and end up with him in an even more sour state of mind.
I had to find a place to park and he gave me a questioning look as I took his hand and guided him toward the ice-skating rink that was located right in the heart of Denver’s downtown at Skyline Park. It was only open a few months out of the year, in the winter, and you could skate for free if you brought your own skates. It had always been one of my favorite parts of growing up in a cold-weather state. There was nothing like gliding around the ice in the dark while white lights twinkled over your head. There was something so fun about doing something so quaint right in the middle of such a metropolitan area … I hoped Nash felt the same way.
He looked at me and lifted one of his midnight-dark eyebrows.
“Seriously?”
I shrugged and bit my lip.
“What? It’ll be fun.”
“If by ‘fun’ you mean me spending the entire time on my ass, then yeah, fun.”
I bumped him with my shoulder and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“You used to skateboard. I’m sure you can keep your balance long enough to make it around a couple times without falling.”
I remembered him rolling around back in high school, so I was sure he would be fine despite the pensive look on his face.
“That was a long time ago, Saint.”
I made him let me pay the guy to rent us skates and secretly thrilled inside when we sat down to put them on and he got on his knees in front of me and helped me lace mine up. I couldn’t resist the urge to bend forward and kiss him on the top of his head. I liked the way the scruff of his supershort hair tickled my lips. I looked up when I heard giggles coming from a group of young girls watching us.
“You can concentrate on not falling, and it’ll take your mind off of today.”
He grunted at me again and rose to his feet in a graceful move that had my belly tightening and the girls next to us sighing. He begrudgingly put on his own skates and towered over me as we trudged out to the ice.
It was rough going for the first ten minutes. Nash was a big guy, and while he typically moved with a lot of grace and ease, perch him on a razor-fine blade on top of frozen water and he just sort of turned into an out-of-control freight train. I wanted to be sympathetic, wanted to help him out, but I wasn’t strong enough to keep him upright and his dirty mouth and hostile expression had me folded over in fits of laughter that were making it hard for me to stay upright myself.
Little kids buzzed around us. Teenage girls twirled and flittered by, obviously trying to catch his attention. Dudes on hockey skates blazed past in a bid to impress, but Nash was focused on trying to stay up and on me. He finally found his balance enough to make it around the rink once and I reached out to grab his hand. He snickered at me and squeezed my cold fingers.
“I’ve never been ice skating with a girl before.”
That made goose bumps run up and down my arms. He had been the first for me in so many ways, I never really thought I could return that for him.
“Good.”
I glided next to him and watched him out of the corner of my eye. Some of the tension that had been around his mouth and some of the darkness in his gaze had lightened.
“You know you can talk to me about it, right? About what went down with your mom today?”
I was doing a pretty good job at keeping him and this thing between us within boundaries I was comfortable with, but I didn’t want him to think that if he needed me to listen I wasn’t willing to do that. Sure, we had some killer sexual chemistry and a really intimate draw that pulled us together, but we also needed to like each other enough to share things with one another if we were going to keep hanging out.
His thumb traced over the back of my hand and I stumbled a little, almost taking us both down to the hard surface of the ice. He was just so good at being distracting.
“Nothing to talk about. She’s just as unpleasant as she always was, which makes me feel awful every time I talk to her. I left today knowing pretty much that I’m done with her. She’s not my family, she never was.”
I sucked in a breath and due to the cold air, it made my teeth hurt.
“That’s really sad.”
“I guess. It’s just the way it is.”
I had a fair amount of resentment built up at my dad, considering the way he had acted and the way he had chosen to leave my mom. But even though I didn’t approve, didn’t appreciate the drama and heartache he had caused, I couldn’t imagine just walking away from him forever. Couldn’t see myself ever just declaring that he was no longer a part of my life or my family. My insides twisted at the fact Nash had to make that kind of call on top of dealing with his father being so ill.
I squealed in surprise as the big body next to mine suddenly pitched forward and went down in a spectacular splay of strong arms and legs. Nash managed to turn before he hit the ice and I ended up hitting his chest with a thump that knocked the wind out of the both of us. He wrapped his arms around my waist and shook with silent laughter.
“Okay, Saint, you win. This is ridiculous. I can’t stay pissed off when my ass is broken.”
I rubbed my cold nose along the edge of his jaw.
“Well, I am a nurse. When we get home I can take care of all your boo-boos in the best way possible.”
I heard him sigh.
“Can you do it naked?”
I laughed because he was such a guy, and when I told him of course I could do it naked, that meant our time on the ice was over. It was nice, made me feel good about myself and about the way I was with him, that not only had I shaken off his dour mood, but I managed to make him laugh and take his mind somewhere else. I wanted to think that not anyone would’ve been able to achieve that, and when we got to the apartment and he proceeded to get us both very n*ked and very much into the best mood possible, I had to wonder if being with me like that was as special and different for him as being with him was for me. It sure felt that way.
