Near and Far
Page 26
Dad’s forehead lined. “I’m sorry, Jess.”
I braced myself in the doorway. “Just like that? You’re going to tell me I can’t go see her? Dad, I’m not a little boy you can tell what to do and not to do. I’m twenty years old. I get to decide who I want to see and when I want to see them.” I’d never spoken to my dad like that before. I might not have been blatantly disrespectful, but I was bordering on it. I didn’t look up to anyone on earth as much as I looked up to my dad, but him telling me I couldn’t see the person I wanted to see, fresh on the heels of that wave of emotions, made me feel like a cornered dog. I needed out of the corner no matter what.
“I’m not telling you this as your father, Jesse. I’m telling you this as your employer. The height of our season has started, and I need you here. You’ve got responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, Jess.”
“I’ve got responsibilities and obligations to Rowen, too.”
“That’s right. You do. And you’ve got them here at Willow Springs.” Dad stood behind his desk chair, his arms folded over the top of it, watching me carefully. “Life’s about figuring out how to manage and balance your responsibilities and obligations.”
“How do I balance the fact that Rowen is expecting me in Seattle this weekend and you’re expecting me here?”
Dad quirked a brow. “Son, that’s easy. Rowen, thank god, loves you so much she’ll forgive you and wait for you. The cows? They won’t wait when a hundred-pound calf is ready to push its way into the world.”
I thought about that for a minute. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew Dad was right. I’d been the idiot for thinking that even though Willow Springs was in firing-on-all-engines mode, I’d be able to take a few days off and head to Seattle. I’d ignored or played ignorant to the truth because I hadn’t wanted to see it. I didn’t want to think that anything would keep me away from Rowen. I still didn’t want to think about it, but I couldn’t claim ignorance anymore.
“Shit,” I muttered, propping my forehead on the doorway. That pretty much summed up the whole day.
“Jesse—”
“Sorry. I just . . . Today hasn’t exactly been made of win, if you know what I mean.”
“First, no need to apologize. Shit, and worse, pretty much sums up the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.” Dad moved to the front of his desk and leaned into it. He’d had the chair and desk for over a decade, and I’d never once seen him actually sit in the chair. We were too restless a breed to sit comfortably behind a desk. “Second, is something troubling you, son? I know I may not be the most sensitive person on this ranch, but you’ve seemed a little . . . off lately. Anything you want to talk about?”
There was so much I wanted to talk about, but I didn’t know where to begin. Once I opened up about it, I couldn’t pretend it would all magically disappear. “No, I’m good. You know how it is sometimes. Too many thoughts, too little gray matter.” I tapped my temple and forced a smile. I was just heading off to make my nightly call to someone—the first nightly call I wasn’t looking forward to—when dad cleared his throat.
“Jess, I’m sorry. You know I think the world of Rowen, and the fact that she thinks the world of you puts her that much higher in my esteem. Maybe she can visit here instead. You know she’s welcome anytime, and I’ll try to give you as much free time as I can when she comes. It wasn’t too long ago when I was a young cowboy trying to making things work with a vivacious city girl.”
“How did that work out for you?” I asked.
“Truthfully? It was hard as hell, and there were more days I thought we’d never make it than days I thought we would.”
Just the reassuring words I needed to hear at that stage in my life.
“But you want to know what?” Dad lifted his left hand and pointed at his ring finger. “I’ve still got this on my finger twenty plus years later, and I wouldn’t trade a day of hardship with your mom for a day of easy-breezy with someone else.”
“How do you think she feels?”
Dad chuckled. “You’ll have to ask her. I learned a long time ago that answering for your mom adds another day of hardship to the running tally.” Grabbing his hat off the desk, he slid it on and beelined out of there. I didn’t know why, but Dad went a little stir crazy if he was trapped in his office for more than a few minutes. “You’re a good man. You’ve got a good woman. You live a good life. Why the long face?”
I didn’t want to tell him it was because I was afraid the drain was about to be pulled. I didn’t want to say I was worried all the good in my life had just hit its expiration date. I didn’t want to admit any of that, so I forced a smile and slugged him lightly in the arm as he passed by. “I’m not so sure I’ve got a good employer.”
“You’re right. You don’t,” Dad said as he headed out the front door. “You’ve got a great one.”
I wanted to stall. I never wanted to make the call I needed to make. I didn’t want to disappoint her. My afternoon had taken on a whole new level of suck; how much worse could it get? Pulling my phone from my pocket, I was about to find out.
Rowen picked up on the second ring. “Hey, you.”
God. Just hearing her voice made my day about a hundred times better. “I miss you, Rowen. I miss you so damn much.” It wasn’t exactly a greeting, but it was all I could get out.
“What a coincidence. I miss you so damn much too. Good thing for both of us we get to spend the weekend together.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Actually, that’s why I’m calling. There’s been a change of plans.” Keeping my voice strong when I felt anything but was hard.
“Change of plans? What change?” That right there, Rowen’s voice dropping in disappointment, was what I’d give my right leg to keep from ever hearing again.
“I can’t come this weekend. Dad needs me here.” Keeping my answers short was the only way to keep up the strong act.
“You’re not coming . . .” It sounded like she was talking to herself, but those words sliced through me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You have no idea how bad I want to be there, Rowen. How bad I need to see you.” I dropped into the chair close by and waited for her reply.
“You have no idea how bad I need to see you either.” She paused suddenly, like she was choking on something. She was quiet for so long I checked to make sure I hadn’t lost the call. “Oh, well. I guess we’ll just have to suck it up and make due, right?”
Truly, a horse kicking me square in the stomach would have been less painful. I half-wished one would kick me to help dull the other pain trickling into my veins. “Can you come here instead? I’ll be busy, but I’ll sneak away when no one’s looking. At least we’ll have a couple nights together, and I promise not to sleep a wink. At least when I fall asleep in the saddle, I’ll fall off with a grin on my face.”
“Jesse—”
“Come on. Just say you’ll come. It won’t make any difference that our plans changed so long as we’re together. Come.” I was one more come away from begging, but that was all right. I wasn’t above begging. Rowen was quiet for so long, I convinced myself she was working it all out in her head.
And that was when she sighed. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“I’ve got work, Jesse. I’d planned on you being here, so I got scheduled for a shift. I have a school project due on Monday I haven’t even started yet.”
“Can’t you get someone to cover for you? And bring your project, and I’ll help you with it. Hell, I’ll do it for you. Just come. Please.” There I was, Jesse Walker, a desperate man.
“Jesse, I can’t—”
“Rowen—”
“Dammit, Jesse, I’ve got a life too, you know. I can’t just up and cancel it all because you changed plans. I can’t plan my life around yours, and you shouldn’t expect me to.” I couldn’t tell if Rowen was more upset or angry. I’d learned that, a lot of times, she disguised one with the other.
“You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it.” I lowered my head into my hand. Words had always been my ally, but they seemed to have become my enemy. “I don’t expect you to put your life on hold for mine. I’d never ask you to do that. It’s just—”
“Then what were you just asking me to do, Jesse?”
I rubbed my temples and took my time answering. “To come visit me. If you were available.”
“I’m not.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have assumed you would be.”
“Good thing for you I love you, so you’re forgiven.” The lightness of Rowen’s voice was returning, but a darkness consumed me. “I wish I could, though. I wish I could just drop everything and come.”
“Yeah. I wish I could, too.”
Rowen and I talked for a couple more minutes. For the first time, I felt worse at the end of our call than I had at the start.
Chapter Fourteen
ANOTHER WEEK DOWN. One more to go before Rowen would be there. Three weeks was a long time to go without seeing each other. We’d gone longer, but no stretch had ever felt so long. I knew that had a lot to do with my state of mind and how “unsettled” seemed to be my new normal.
It didn’t help that Rowen seemed to be slipping through my fingers. She hadn’t said anything outright, but something was off. So I was off, Rowen was off, and we were off. My whole life was off.
If I didn’t get a grip and focus, I was about to fall off of Sunny too.
“Jesus, Walker! Pull your head out because I am not saving your sorry ass if you go and break your other arm!” Garth was about twenty yards ahead of me on Rebel, weaving through the herd.
“Why don’t you mind your business and I’ll mind mine?” I shouted back, reining Sunny in. Garth and I were taking the late afternoon watch, and a couple of the other guys would be relieving us for night watch. Dad had been right about calving season setting in early. Three-quarters of the year’s calves had been born in the past week, and with so many young, awkward animals grazing in the wide open, there was an increased risk of predators taking out a few. There were plenty of coyotes around, but to my knowledge, none had ever taken down one of our calves. The rest of the herd would have crushed the hell out of a coyote if it had tried. I’d never seen a mountain lion take down one of ours—they were sneaky creatures that stayed far away from people—but we’d lost at least two of our calves to mountain lions. What posed the most risk were the wolf packs. They’d taken close to a dozen of our herd—adult and calf—and I’d seen them do it once before, too.
Garth had been with me. We were thirteen, had the afternoon off, and were doing our usual trying-to-one-up-the-other routine when we heard the spine-chilling sound. By the time we’d raced Sunny and Rebel there, the pack was already ripping apart what was left of a calf and carrying it away. The wolves had shown no real fear of us, and that was the most frightening part of the whole ordeal. I’d realized that I wasn’t the top of the food chain out there like I’d assumed.
I braced myself in the doorway. “Just like that? You’re going to tell me I can’t go see her? Dad, I’m not a little boy you can tell what to do and not to do. I’m twenty years old. I get to decide who I want to see and when I want to see them.” I’d never spoken to my dad like that before. I might not have been blatantly disrespectful, but I was bordering on it. I didn’t look up to anyone on earth as much as I looked up to my dad, but him telling me I couldn’t see the person I wanted to see, fresh on the heels of that wave of emotions, made me feel like a cornered dog. I needed out of the corner no matter what.
“I’m not telling you this as your father, Jesse. I’m telling you this as your employer. The height of our season has started, and I need you here. You’ve got responsibilities and obligations to fulfill, Jess.”
“I’ve got responsibilities and obligations to Rowen, too.”
“That’s right. You do. And you’ve got them here at Willow Springs.” Dad stood behind his desk chair, his arms folded over the top of it, watching me carefully. “Life’s about figuring out how to manage and balance your responsibilities and obligations.”
“How do I balance the fact that Rowen is expecting me in Seattle this weekend and you’re expecting me here?”
Dad quirked a brow. “Son, that’s easy. Rowen, thank god, loves you so much she’ll forgive you and wait for you. The cows? They won’t wait when a hundred-pound calf is ready to push its way into the world.”
I thought about that for a minute. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew Dad was right. I’d been the idiot for thinking that even though Willow Springs was in firing-on-all-engines mode, I’d be able to take a few days off and head to Seattle. I’d ignored or played ignorant to the truth because I hadn’t wanted to see it. I didn’t want to think that anything would keep me away from Rowen. I still didn’t want to think about it, but I couldn’t claim ignorance anymore.
“Shit,” I muttered, propping my forehead on the doorway. That pretty much summed up the whole day.
“Jesse—”
“Sorry. I just . . . Today hasn’t exactly been made of win, if you know what I mean.”
“First, no need to apologize. Shit, and worse, pretty much sums up the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.” Dad moved to the front of his desk and leaned into it. He’d had the chair and desk for over a decade, and I’d never once seen him actually sit in the chair. We were too restless a breed to sit comfortably behind a desk. “Second, is something troubling you, son? I know I may not be the most sensitive person on this ranch, but you’ve seemed a little . . . off lately. Anything you want to talk about?”
There was so much I wanted to talk about, but I didn’t know where to begin. Once I opened up about it, I couldn’t pretend it would all magically disappear. “No, I’m good. You know how it is sometimes. Too many thoughts, too little gray matter.” I tapped my temple and forced a smile. I was just heading off to make my nightly call to someone—the first nightly call I wasn’t looking forward to—when dad cleared his throat.
“Jess, I’m sorry. You know I think the world of Rowen, and the fact that she thinks the world of you puts her that much higher in my esteem. Maybe she can visit here instead. You know she’s welcome anytime, and I’ll try to give you as much free time as I can when she comes. It wasn’t too long ago when I was a young cowboy trying to making things work with a vivacious city girl.”
“How did that work out for you?” I asked.
“Truthfully? It was hard as hell, and there were more days I thought we’d never make it than days I thought we would.”
Just the reassuring words I needed to hear at that stage in my life.
“But you want to know what?” Dad lifted his left hand and pointed at his ring finger. “I’ve still got this on my finger twenty plus years later, and I wouldn’t trade a day of hardship with your mom for a day of easy-breezy with someone else.”
“How do you think she feels?”
Dad chuckled. “You’ll have to ask her. I learned a long time ago that answering for your mom adds another day of hardship to the running tally.” Grabbing his hat off the desk, he slid it on and beelined out of there. I didn’t know why, but Dad went a little stir crazy if he was trapped in his office for more than a few minutes. “You’re a good man. You’ve got a good woman. You live a good life. Why the long face?”
I didn’t want to tell him it was because I was afraid the drain was about to be pulled. I didn’t want to say I was worried all the good in my life had just hit its expiration date. I didn’t want to admit any of that, so I forced a smile and slugged him lightly in the arm as he passed by. “I’m not so sure I’ve got a good employer.”
“You’re right. You don’t,” Dad said as he headed out the front door. “You’ve got a great one.”
I wanted to stall. I never wanted to make the call I needed to make. I didn’t want to disappoint her. My afternoon had taken on a whole new level of suck; how much worse could it get? Pulling my phone from my pocket, I was about to find out.
Rowen picked up on the second ring. “Hey, you.”
God. Just hearing her voice made my day about a hundred times better. “I miss you, Rowen. I miss you so damn much.” It wasn’t exactly a greeting, but it was all I could get out.
“What a coincidence. I miss you so damn much too. Good thing for both of us we get to spend the weekend together.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Actually, that’s why I’m calling. There’s been a change of plans.” Keeping my voice strong when I felt anything but was hard.
“Change of plans? What change?” That right there, Rowen’s voice dropping in disappointment, was what I’d give my right leg to keep from ever hearing again.
“I can’t come this weekend. Dad needs me here.” Keeping my answers short was the only way to keep up the strong act.
“You’re not coming . . .” It sounded like she was talking to herself, but those words sliced through me.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You have no idea how bad I want to be there, Rowen. How bad I need to see you.” I dropped into the chair close by and waited for her reply.
“You have no idea how bad I need to see you either.” She paused suddenly, like she was choking on something. She was quiet for so long I checked to make sure I hadn’t lost the call. “Oh, well. I guess we’ll just have to suck it up and make due, right?”
Truly, a horse kicking me square in the stomach would have been less painful. I half-wished one would kick me to help dull the other pain trickling into my veins. “Can you come here instead? I’ll be busy, but I’ll sneak away when no one’s looking. At least we’ll have a couple nights together, and I promise not to sleep a wink. At least when I fall asleep in the saddle, I’ll fall off with a grin on my face.”
“Jesse—”
“Come on. Just say you’ll come. It won’t make any difference that our plans changed so long as we’re together. Come.” I was one more come away from begging, but that was all right. I wasn’t above begging. Rowen was quiet for so long, I convinced myself she was working it all out in her head.
And that was when she sighed. “I can’t.”
“You can’t?”
“I’ve got work, Jesse. I’d planned on you being here, so I got scheduled for a shift. I have a school project due on Monday I haven’t even started yet.”
“Can’t you get someone to cover for you? And bring your project, and I’ll help you with it. Hell, I’ll do it for you. Just come. Please.” There I was, Jesse Walker, a desperate man.
“Jesse, I can’t—”
“Rowen—”
“Dammit, Jesse, I’ve got a life too, you know. I can’t just up and cancel it all because you changed plans. I can’t plan my life around yours, and you shouldn’t expect me to.” I couldn’t tell if Rowen was more upset or angry. I’d learned that, a lot of times, she disguised one with the other.
“You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it.” I lowered my head into my hand. Words had always been my ally, but they seemed to have become my enemy. “I don’t expect you to put your life on hold for mine. I’d never ask you to do that. It’s just—”
“Then what were you just asking me to do, Jesse?”
I rubbed my temples and took my time answering. “To come visit me. If you were available.”
“I’m not.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have assumed you would be.”
“Good thing for you I love you, so you’re forgiven.” The lightness of Rowen’s voice was returning, but a darkness consumed me. “I wish I could, though. I wish I could just drop everything and come.”
“Yeah. I wish I could, too.”
Rowen and I talked for a couple more minutes. For the first time, I felt worse at the end of our call than I had at the start.
Chapter Fourteen
ANOTHER WEEK DOWN. One more to go before Rowen would be there. Three weeks was a long time to go without seeing each other. We’d gone longer, but no stretch had ever felt so long. I knew that had a lot to do with my state of mind and how “unsettled” seemed to be my new normal.
It didn’t help that Rowen seemed to be slipping through my fingers. She hadn’t said anything outright, but something was off. So I was off, Rowen was off, and we were off. My whole life was off.
If I didn’t get a grip and focus, I was about to fall off of Sunny too.
“Jesus, Walker! Pull your head out because I am not saving your sorry ass if you go and break your other arm!” Garth was about twenty yards ahead of me on Rebel, weaving through the herd.
“Why don’t you mind your business and I’ll mind mine?” I shouted back, reining Sunny in. Garth and I were taking the late afternoon watch, and a couple of the other guys would be relieving us for night watch. Dad had been right about calving season setting in early. Three-quarters of the year’s calves had been born in the past week, and with so many young, awkward animals grazing in the wide open, there was an increased risk of predators taking out a few. There were plenty of coyotes around, but to my knowledge, none had ever taken down one of our calves. The rest of the herd would have crushed the hell out of a coyote if it had tried. I’d never seen a mountain lion take down one of ours—they were sneaky creatures that stayed far away from people—but we’d lost at least two of our calves to mountain lions. What posed the most risk were the wolf packs. They’d taken close to a dozen of our herd—adult and calf—and I’d seen them do it once before, too.
Garth had been with me. We were thirteen, had the afternoon off, and were doing our usual trying-to-one-up-the-other routine when we heard the spine-chilling sound. By the time we’d raced Sunny and Rebel there, the pack was already ripping apart what was left of a calf and carrying it away. The wolves had shown no real fear of us, and that was the most frightening part of the whole ordeal. I’d realized that I wasn’t the top of the food chain out there like I’d assumed.
