Never Enough
Page 98
“Please, Gillian? I really need you . . . to help me.”
“Mum, please?” Miles already had his bass in his hand and he noted the way Gillian saw that too and her spine relaxed as she accepted the inevitable.
They all moved to the living room and she sat at her piano, waiting.
“This one I’m calling ‘Indelible.’ Starts off like this. You two just go with it.” He started to play, falling into the song he’d written over the last several hours.
Looks can be deceiving
Fragile can hide strong
Her roots dig in
Dug deep like the rest
She’s indelible
Scratched into my skin
Her scent on my fingers
Taste on my tongue
Yeah, try to forget, but you can’t
She’s indelible
He paused because he noted Miles staring at him and then back to his mother, who made a big deal out of not looking at Adrian.
“I need to call Jason about something. Be back in a while.” Miles stood and took his guitar before bending over again to whisper in Adrian’s ear. “Just say you’re sorry and buy her something nice. But not like your nice. Normal nice.”
Which made Adrian laugh because not only would Miles say something like that but Adrian understood it.
He ran from the room on thundering feet, leaving Adrian filled with so much love he thought he’d burst.
This is what she brought to him. This is what she was to him. Family. He could do this. They could do this.
He put his guitar aside and took her hand, pulling her to the couch. She settled at the far end and snatched her hand back and he simply scooted over and hemmed her in.
He took her hand back, holding it firm with both of his. “We need to talk, English, and you’re going to listen to me.”
She sniffed and, God help him, his c**k got hard.
“So you know, as you’ve seen, I have sort of a crazy life. It’s so chaotic outside, I’ve built a safe space for myself here in Seattle. My family, my few places, they’re what I know and what I can trust. You saw the paparazzi when we were in Miami and even up in Canada. The people camped at my driveway. I just get exposed and it makes me feel helpless.”
She looked up at him at long last.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my father. Despite the fact that I did hurt you all, I never wanted it to come out like that. I wanted to tell you. I did. I waited for the right time, but there’s not really a right time for it. I can’t lie, I could have a few times but I didn’t want to ruin things. I never wanted to hurt you and your family.”
He sighed. “I know. I’m an ass**le, English. I’m trying to tell this and then you go and apologize and make me feel even worse. You should have told me, if for no other reason than to share what had to be a heavy weight all these months. But my reaction was stupid. It was stupid because I love your voice and I was knocked back on my heels that I didn’t know. And then it just blew up into a clusterfuck of epic proportions with Larry. I just flat overreacted when I should have stopped to work it out with you.”
“I’m glad we can be friends.”
He snorted, leaning in to kiss her hard. When he broke the kiss, she was short of breath and her eyes had gone dreamy. All very good signs this was on the right track.
“Friends? Fuck that. Gillian, I love you. You love me. Look, last night I realized some stuff. The big one was that all my anxiety about you holding back was really my own shit. I was holding you to a standard you couldn’t possibly meet. I wanted you to be more at ease with people who’ve had, some of us, a lifetime to know each other. It was something you could never achieve and I set it up that way just to keep that bit of distance. But I blamed it on you because I’m a coward and I couldn’t just admit I was scared to leave my comfort zone.”
“My father is a murderer. He killed a girl just barely older than Miles. He sold drugs. He used them. He was a petty thief and a thug for money launderers and betting houses. He beat my mother and she let him come back over and over until I was about eight and he just never came round anymore. My mother was a drunk and a whore. My sister was a drunk and a whore. This is going to come out in the press, Adrian. I thought they’d leave me alone because I’m not exciting. But that’s not the case. They’ll hurt you and your family and they’ll hurt Miles. I can’t expose him to that. Or you.”
“I don’t care what he was or who he is. I don’t. You aren’t him or your mother. You’re the mother to my son. The other half of my heart. You’re my lid, English. I spoke with Jeremy this morning. I had to share some stuff with him, so I apologize for not getting your permission. But his suggestion was to do an interview so you can talk about it on your terms. We can control the spin and remove that from the media’s hands. We can make this work, damn it. I’m not going to let you go.”
“I did write a score for a movie, but I would never use your name to promote it or sell it. I tried to tell you last night but it just kept getting worse.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand and he knew she was still reeling to do such an uncouth thing.
“I know. Todd had a little word with the filmmaker last night. He won’t be pulling that shit anymore. But I would like to see it. Just because I love your music and your creativity. The singing thing, I just handled it all wrong. Christ, last night was supposed to be wonderful and it all went so terribly wrong.”
“It won’t be the last time, Adrian. Things are bound to happen like that. You’re a celebrity. They want to get a rise out of you. Want to hurt you for sport. If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.”
“Mum, please?” Miles already had his bass in his hand and he noted the way Gillian saw that too and her spine relaxed as she accepted the inevitable.
They all moved to the living room and she sat at her piano, waiting.
“This one I’m calling ‘Indelible.’ Starts off like this. You two just go with it.” He started to play, falling into the song he’d written over the last several hours.
Looks can be deceiving
Fragile can hide strong
Her roots dig in
Dug deep like the rest
She’s indelible
Scratched into my skin
Her scent on my fingers
Taste on my tongue
Yeah, try to forget, but you can’t
She’s indelible
He paused because he noted Miles staring at him and then back to his mother, who made a big deal out of not looking at Adrian.
“I need to call Jason about something. Be back in a while.” Miles stood and took his guitar before bending over again to whisper in Adrian’s ear. “Just say you’re sorry and buy her something nice. But not like your nice. Normal nice.”
Which made Adrian laugh because not only would Miles say something like that but Adrian understood it.
He ran from the room on thundering feet, leaving Adrian filled with so much love he thought he’d burst.
This is what she brought to him. This is what she was to him. Family. He could do this. They could do this.
He put his guitar aside and took her hand, pulling her to the couch. She settled at the far end and snatched her hand back and he simply scooted over and hemmed her in.
He took her hand back, holding it firm with both of his. “We need to talk, English, and you’re going to listen to me.”
She sniffed and, God help him, his c**k got hard.
“So you know, as you’ve seen, I have sort of a crazy life. It’s so chaotic outside, I’ve built a safe space for myself here in Seattle. My family, my few places, they’re what I know and what I can trust. You saw the paparazzi when we were in Miami and even up in Canada. The people camped at my driveway. I just get exposed and it makes me feel helpless.”
She looked up at him at long last.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my father. Despite the fact that I did hurt you all, I never wanted it to come out like that. I wanted to tell you. I did. I waited for the right time, but there’s not really a right time for it. I can’t lie, I could have a few times but I didn’t want to ruin things. I never wanted to hurt you and your family.”
He sighed. “I know. I’m an ass**le, English. I’m trying to tell this and then you go and apologize and make me feel even worse. You should have told me, if for no other reason than to share what had to be a heavy weight all these months. But my reaction was stupid. It was stupid because I love your voice and I was knocked back on my heels that I didn’t know. And then it just blew up into a clusterfuck of epic proportions with Larry. I just flat overreacted when I should have stopped to work it out with you.”
“I’m glad we can be friends.”
He snorted, leaning in to kiss her hard. When he broke the kiss, she was short of breath and her eyes had gone dreamy. All very good signs this was on the right track.
“Friends? Fuck that. Gillian, I love you. You love me. Look, last night I realized some stuff. The big one was that all my anxiety about you holding back was really my own shit. I was holding you to a standard you couldn’t possibly meet. I wanted you to be more at ease with people who’ve had, some of us, a lifetime to know each other. It was something you could never achieve and I set it up that way just to keep that bit of distance. But I blamed it on you because I’m a coward and I couldn’t just admit I was scared to leave my comfort zone.”
“My father is a murderer. He killed a girl just barely older than Miles. He sold drugs. He used them. He was a petty thief and a thug for money launderers and betting houses. He beat my mother and she let him come back over and over until I was about eight and he just never came round anymore. My mother was a drunk and a whore. My sister was a drunk and a whore. This is going to come out in the press, Adrian. I thought they’d leave me alone because I’m not exciting. But that’s not the case. They’ll hurt you and your family and they’ll hurt Miles. I can’t expose him to that. Or you.”
“I don’t care what he was or who he is. I don’t. You aren’t him or your mother. You’re the mother to my son. The other half of my heart. You’re my lid, English. I spoke with Jeremy this morning. I had to share some stuff with him, so I apologize for not getting your permission. But his suggestion was to do an interview so you can talk about it on your terms. We can control the spin and remove that from the media’s hands. We can make this work, damn it. I’m not going to let you go.”
“I did write a score for a movie, but I would never use your name to promote it or sell it. I tried to tell you last night but it just kept getting worse.” She wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand and he knew she was still reeling to do such an uncouth thing.
“I know. Todd had a little word with the filmmaker last night. He won’t be pulling that shit anymore. But I would like to see it. Just because I love your music and your creativity. The singing thing, I just handled it all wrong. Christ, last night was supposed to be wonderful and it all went so terribly wrong.”
“It won’t be the last time, Adrian. Things are bound to happen like that. You’re a celebrity. They want to get a rise out of you. Want to hurt you for sport. If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.”
