Never Too Hot
Page 54
Yes. It had been her choice. The same one she'd made again and again, the choice to be with Connor.
He'd never lied to her. Never made her promises he hadn't kept. From that first night, all the way through, he'd been brutally honest.
“We shouldn't do this. I don't have anything to give to you, Ginger. Nothing at all.”
She'd told herself that as long as she walked into Connor's arms, eyes wide open, it wouldn't hurt. She'd let herself fall in love with him knowing he couldn't love her back.
But then, last night, when she'd offered herself to him completely, nearly bled with love for him, something had shifted around inside her heart. Because even after she'd told him over and over that she wanted him just the way he was, he'd still stayed away.
Isabel studied her in silence. “Look, I know you've got really strong feelings for him. Maybe you even love him.
But honey, you're worth so much more than you know. I thought you realized that by now, that moving to Blue Mountain Lake and starting your life over showed you just how fantastic you are. Any guy you're with damn well should consider himself the luckiest person in the world.”
Ginger pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around her legs. “After I left Jeremy, I promised myself the next time would be different. That I'd wait patiently until the right guy came. I thought for sure I'd know the real thing when I saw it.”
And then Connor had walked in through her door and she'd been lost.
“We all think that,” Isabel said with a rueful smile.
“And even though I know better,” Ginger found herself saying aloud, “a part of me keeps hoping Connor will turn into that guy. If I just give him enough time. If I just love him enough.”
Isabel's look of concern intensified into worry. “No. No. And no. Listen to me, you cannot change him. He's the only one who can do that.”
And that was when Ginger saw the real problem, as clear to her as the blue sky, the sparkling ripples on the water, the happy sounds all around her.
Just as she'd told him again and again, she wasn't hurting from the way she and Connor had come together the previous night. He hadn't been nearly as rough as he'd thought and she really was tougher than she looked. The problem wasn't even that he'd hurt her feelings by choosing to stay downstairs on the couch last night rather than open himself up to her.
No, she was hurting for another reason entirely. And it had just become so painfully obvious that she wondered how she could have gone on this long without seeing it.
The real problem wasn't the way Connor had treated her. It was the way she'd been treating herself.
She'd ached so badly for him, had wanted so badly to help heal his wounds, that she hadn't spared a second thought for herself. She'd put Connor first, just like she'd always put her ex-husband first, her parents, her causes.
Only this time it was worse. Because she'd secretly believed that Connor would see all she was doing for him and reward her with his love. Love she wanted more than anything in the world.
“Have I changed at all, Isabel?” she asked now. “Since you first met me?”
“So much. I've been so proud of you. Especially since I know firsthand how hard it can be to start over after a divorce. You've done a great job of moving on, Ginger.”
“If that's true then why am I falling into all the same traps? Why am I working so hard to make everyone else happy?”
Why had she told herself she could feed off scraps? That a little affection was better than none at all?
Isabel's arm came around her. “Oh honey, that's just human nature. You can't beat yourself up for it. All you can do is hope that maybe it'll be easier next time.”
“Is it?” Ginger asked her friend. “Easier next time?”
Isabel snorted. “I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear the answer.”
“I guess I already know.”
The images were still with Ginger: Andrew looking broken as he'd left Isabel's house, Isabel more pale and shaken than Ginger had ever thought to find her strong friend.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Isabel said, “I've been giving myself the same advice since yesterday when Andrew blindsided me at my house. I'm working like hell right now not to beat myself up for still having all these stupid feelings for a guy I haven't seen in thirty years. I was so sure it would be different this time. That I could just put up a wall he couldn't cross. That it wouldn't hurt so bad just to be near him.”
“I'm sorry that it does,” Ginger told her friend, reaching out to hug Isabel back.
“Me too. Especially since I just agreed to cater his son's wedding. The very son he got that girl pregnant with the night he cheated on me.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Isabel was standing in the paint aisle of the hardware store staring at a dozen different greens that all looked the same when Connor came fast around the corner. For a moment she was stunned by his resemblance to his father, got such a clear picture of what Andrew must have looked like twenty years ago it took her breath away.
Connor was clearly preoccupied, barely looking at her as he said, “Sorry, didn't see you there.”
He looked tired and beaten down. Pretty much the way Ginger had been all through breakfast and lunch.
She told herself to keep her nose out of their business, but damn it, she cared too much about Ginger to stay quiet. Ginger wasn't just a friend, she was almost like a daughter.
“Connor.”
He finally realized who she was. “Isabel.”
It wasn't until then that she thought to wonder if he knew about her and Andrew. But judging by how displeased he looked at seeing her, she guessed he did. She got it that no kid wanted to think of his father having feelings for anyone other than his mother, no matter how old they were.
“How's work going on Poplar Cove?”
“All right,” he said. “You know how these old camps are.”
She nodded, picked up a paint sample, working to find a tactful way of telling him what he needed to hear.
“Ginger is really important to me.”
A muscle worked in his jaw. “I know she is.”
“Coming here after a bad divorce. Starting over. I know how hard that can be. The lake has been good to her.
He'd never lied to her. Never made her promises he hadn't kept. From that first night, all the way through, he'd been brutally honest.
“We shouldn't do this. I don't have anything to give to you, Ginger. Nothing at all.”
She'd told herself that as long as she walked into Connor's arms, eyes wide open, it wouldn't hurt. She'd let herself fall in love with him knowing he couldn't love her back.
But then, last night, when she'd offered herself to him completely, nearly bled with love for him, something had shifted around inside her heart. Because even after she'd told him over and over that she wanted him just the way he was, he'd still stayed away.
Isabel studied her in silence. “Look, I know you've got really strong feelings for him. Maybe you even love him.
But honey, you're worth so much more than you know. I thought you realized that by now, that moving to Blue Mountain Lake and starting your life over showed you just how fantastic you are. Any guy you're with damn well should consider himself the luckiest person in the world.”
Ginger pulled her knees up to her chin, wrapped her arms around her legs. “After I left Jeremy, I promised myself the next time would be different. That I'd wait patiently until the right guy came. I thought for sure I'd know the real thing when I saw it.”
And then Connor had walked in through her door and she'd been lost.
“We all think that,” Isabel said with a rueful smile.
“And even though I know better,” Ginger found herself saying aloud, “a part of me keeps hoping Connor will turn into that guy. If I just give him enough time. If I just love him enough.”
Isabel's look of concern intensified into worry. “No. No. And no. Listen to me, you cannot change him. He's the only one who can do that.”
And that was when Ginger saw the real problem, as clear to her as the blue sky, the sparkling ripples on the water, the happy sounds all around her.
Just as she'd told him again and again, she wasn't hurting from the way she and Connor had come together the previous night. He hadn't been nearly as rough as he'd thought and she really was tougher than she looked. The problem wasn't even that he'd hurt her feelings by choosing to stay downstairs on the couch last night rather than open himself up to her.
No, she was hurting for another reason entirely. And it had just become so painfully obvious that she wondered how she could have gone on this long without seeing it.
The real problem wasn't the way Connor had treated her. It was the way she'd been treating herself.
She'd ached so badly for him, had wanted so badly to help heal his wounds, that she hadn't spared a second thought for herself. She'd put Connor first, just like she'd always put her ex-husband first, her parents, her causes.
Only this time it was worse. Because she'd secretly believed that Connor would see all she was doing for him and reward her with his love. Love she wanted more than anything in the world.
“Have I changed at all, Isabel?” she asked now. “Since you first met me?”
“So much. I've been so proud of you. Especially since I know firsthand how hard it can be to start over after a divorce. You've done a great job of moving on, Ginger.”
“If that's true then why am I falling into all the same traps? Why am I working so hard to make everyone else happy?”
Why had she told herself she could feed off scraps? That a little affection was better than none at all?
Isabel's arm came around her. “Oh honey, that's just human nature. You can't beat yourself up for it. All you can do is hope that maybe it'll be easier next time.”
“Is it?” Ginger asked her friend. “Easier next time?”
Isabel snorted. “I'm pretty sure you don't want to hear the answer.”
“I guess I already know.”
The images were still with Ginger: Andrew looking broken as he'd left Isabel's house, Isabel more pale and shaken than Ginger had ever thought to find her strong friend.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Isabel said, “I've been giving myself the same advice since yesterday when Andrew blindsided me at my house. I'm working like hell right now not to beat myself up for still having all these stupid feelings for a guy I haven't seen in thirty years. I was so sure it would be different this time. That I could just put up a wall he couldn't cross. That it wouldn't hurt so bad just to be near him.”
“I'm sorry that it does,” Ginger told her friend, reaching out to hug Isabel back.
“Me too. Especially since I just agreed to cater his son's wedding. The very son he got that girl pregnant with the night he cheated on me.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Isabel was standing in the paint aisle of the hardware store staring at a dozen different greens that all looked the same when Connor came fast around the corner. For a moment she was stunned by his resemblance to his father, got such a clear picture of what Andrew must have looked like twenty years ago it took her breath away.
Connor was clearly preoccupied, barely looking at her as he said, “Sorry, didn't see you there.”
He looked tired and beaten down. Pretty much the way Ginger had been all through breakfast and lunch.
She told herself to keep her nose out of their business, but damn it, she cared too much about Ginger to stay quiet. Ginger wasn't just a friend, she was almost like a daughter.
“Connor.”
He finally realized who she was. “Isabel.”
It wasn't until then that she thought to wonder if he knew about her and Andrew. But judging by how displeased he looked at seeing her, she guessed he did. She got it that no kid wanted to think of his father having feelings for anyone other than his mother, no matter how old they were.
“How's work going on Poplar Cove?”
“All right,” he said. “You know how these old camps are.”
She nodded, picked up a paint sample, working to find a tactful way of telling him what he needed to hear.
“Ginger is really important to me.”
A muscle worked in his jaw. “I know she is.”
“Coming here after a bad divorce. Starting over. I know how hard that can be. The lake has been good to her.
