Next to Never
Page 30
I’d rather leave my son with sitters to be available for Jase on a moment’s notice, only to drink myself into an oblivion to chase away the guilt after he’d left.
I’d rather be lonely and feel like a piece of shit every day only to have it all wash away as soon as he kissed me.
That was the sickness. My entire life revolved around him, because I was a woman in love in a horrible situation. He was like a drug that I couldn’t give up—everything depended on getting my next hit. Unfortunately, though, I needed the hits to come faster, and when they didn’t, I soothed myself with alcohol.
My God, how I’d changed. Where was the girl who taunted him in the repair shop that night? The one who spit his intentions back in his face?
Walking into his office building, I took the elevator up to the twenty-sixth floor and texted James, telling him to tell Jared I’d see him in the morning and that I loved him.
Jared.
I closed my eyes, letting out a heavy breath, because I wanted to cry thinking about him. He was so smart. He was starting to catch onto me. How much longer before I’d pushed him to the side so often I wouldn’t be able to pick him back up?
Thomas would’ve been a horrible father, but if I’d stayed in that dump, surviving and fighting, because I had no choice, maybe Jared would’ve had a better mother than the one he has now.
I stepped off the elevator and walked down the marble corridor to Jase’s office. I wasn’t sure what he told his assistant when I came by, but she didn’t give me curious or judgmental glances, so I guessed he was rather good at lying, in and out of the courtroom. Rounding the corner, I quickly stopped and stepped back, shielding myself behind the wall.
Shit. What was she doing here?
I edged back toward the corner again, trying to figure out what I should do. Jase and Madeline, his wife, stood outside his office, in front of the receptionist’s desk, chatting and smiling. A boy was with them, and I knew it was Madoc, even though I’d never met him. He looked exactly like his father.
Jase was blocking his door, not inviting them in, so they were either on their way out or he was trying to get them to leave. He knew I was coming, after all.
“Mom’s dragging me into chick shops,” Madoc complained. “Help.”
But his mom just laughed, lightly knocking him on the arm. “Don’t act like you don’t like shopping, kid. Besides, you need school clothes. No more uniforms next year.”
Jase smiled at both of them, his hands in his pocket and looking a little nervous. Yeah, I’ll bet you are.
I’d seen his wife several times over the years, in a restaurant or in the paper for some city project she was helping with. Sometimes on the street or in her car.
She wore a tight, gray sleeveless dress that fell to her knees and hugged every curve. Her heels were a dark pink, and her tan was flawless. Her hair was cut shoulder-length and styled with big curls, and as every time I saw her, she was perfect, right down to the Gucci handbag.
Kind of what I thought I would be like if I ever grew up. I straightened, looking down at my dress that seemed so simple and my childish flats.
I wondered what Jase saw in me. I looked okay, but I didn’t carry myself like that.
I guessed they were in town to shop, especially since Jase said Madoc had talked his way out of attending any more Catholic school and would be allowed to attend public next year. He needed regular clothes, probably.
“Can you meet us for dinner?” his wife asked.
But Jase just let out a sigh, looking immediately uncomfortable. “I wish I could, honey, but I’ll be buried until morning. You may as well head home without me after you’re done shopping. I’ll probably just stay here tonight.”
I couldn’t see her face, but she was silent and I saw her head dip a little. My stomach churned.
“Okay,” she replied quietly. “We’ll see you when we see you then.”
And then she put her hand on Madoc’s back, both of them turning and walking my way.
I immediately put my head down, digging in my purse for my phone. She passed by me as I pretended to dial a number, but I know she turned to look at me.
Placing the phone to my ear, I acted like I was on a call, while she and her son waited for the elevator. But inevitably, the pull got to me. I flashed my eyes over to her and found her staring at me. My heart began beating faster, and I watched as her eyes fell quickly down my body and back up to my face, before turning away.
She knew.
And she just stared ahead, her chin trembling as I watched her and Madoc walk into the elevator.
I’d been wondering what Jase saw in me over her, and she’d probably just wondered the same thing. We were both wondering why we weren’t good enough.
I stayed in the hallway long after the number on the elevator had descended to one, and I knew she was gone.
This wasn’t working. It never worked, and it would never end. She was miserable, and her son wasn’t an idiot. He knew something was wrong.
I was miserable, and my son wasn’t an idiot, either. He knew something was wrong.
The only person happy here was Jase, because he got the best of both worlds. And I was only happy when I saw him.
Which was next to never.
And for so long, I’d accepted it. Because I didn’t think I deserved something more.
Thomas and my parents wouldn’t or couldn’t be there for me, my friends had their own problems, and I was trying to raise a kid on my own. I never thought I’d have all the things I have now. I was supposed to be grateful and not selfish, right?
I’d rather be lonely and feel like a piece of shit every day only to have it all wash away as soon as he kissed me.
That was the sickness. My entire life revolved around him, because I was a woman in love in a horrible situation. He was like a drug that I couldn’t give up—everything depended on getting my next hit. Unfortunately, though, I needed the hits to come faster, and when they didn’t, I soothed myself with alcohol.
My God, how I’d changed. Where was the girl who taunted him in the repair shop that night? The one who spit his intentions back in his face?
Walking into his office building, I took the elevator up to the twenty-sixth floor and texted James, telling him to tell Jared I’d see him in the morning and that I loved him.
Jared.
I closed my eyes, letting out a heavy breath, because I wanted to cry thinking about him. He was so smart. He was starting to catch onto me. How much longer before I’d pushed him to the side so often I wouldn’t be able to pick him back up?
Thomas would’ve been a horrible father, but if I’d stayed in that dump, surviving and fighting, because I had no choice, maybe Jared would’ve had a better mother than the one he has now.
I stepped off the elevator and walked down the marble corridor to Jase’s office. I wasn’t sure what he told his assistant when I came by, but she didn’t give me curious or judgmental glances, so I guessed he was rather good at lying, in and out of the courtroom. Rounding the corner, I quickly stopped and stepped back, shielding myself behind the wall.
Shit. What was she doing here?
I edged back toward the corner again, trying to figure out what I should do. Jase and Madeline, his wife, stood outside his office, in front of the receptionist’s desk, chatting and smiling. A boy was with them, and I knew it was Madoc, even though I’d never met him. He looked exactly like his father.
Jase was blocking his door, not inviting them in, so they were either on their way out or he was trying to get them to leave. He knew I was coming, after all.
“Mom’s dragging me into chick shops,” Madoc complained. “Help.”
But his mom just laughed, lightly knocking him on the arm. “Don’t act like you don’t like shopping, kid. Besides, you need school clothes. No more uniforms next year.”
Jase smiled at both of them, his hands in his pocket and looking a little nervous. Yeah, I’ll bet you are.
I’d seen his wife several times over the years, in a restaurant or in the paper for some city project she was helping with. Sometimes on the street or in her car.
She wore a tight, gray sleeveless dress that fell to her knees and hugged every curve. Her heels were a dark pink, and her tan was flawless. Her hair was cut shoulder-length and styled with big curls, and as every time I saw her, she was perfect, right down to the Gucci handbag.
Kind of what I thought I would be like if I ever grew up. I straightened, looking down at my dress that seemed so simple and my childish flats.
I wondered what Jase saw in me. I looked okay, but I didn’t carry myself like that.
I guessed they were in town to shop, especially since Jase said Madoc had talked his way out of attending any more Catholic school and would be allowed to attend public next year. He needed regular clothes, probably.
“Can you meet us for dinner?” his wife asked.
But Jase just let out a sigh, looking immediately uncomfortable. “I wish I could, honey, but I’ll be buried until morning. You may as well head home without me after you’re done shopping. I’ll probably just stay here tonight.”
I couldn’t see her face, but she was silent and I saw her head dip a little. My stomach churned.
“Okay,” she replied quietly. “We’ll see you when we see you then.”
And then she put her hand on Madoc’s back, both of them turning and walking my way.
I immediately put my head down, digging in my purse for my phone. She passed by me as I pretended to dial a number, but I know she turned to look at me.
Placing the phone to my ear, I acted like I was on a call, while she and her son waited for the elevator. But inevitably, the pull got to me. I flashed my eyes over to her and found her staring at me. My heart began beating faster, and I watched as her eyes fell quickly down my body and back up to my face, before turning away.
She knew.
And she just stared ahead, her chin trembling as I watched her and Madoc walk into the elevator.
I’d been wondering what Jase saw in me over her, and she’d probably just wondered the same thing. We were both wondering why we weren’t good enough.
I stayed in the hallway long after the number on the elevator had descended to one, and I knew she was gone.
This wasn’t working. It never worked, and it would never end. She was miserable, and her son wasn’t an idiot. He knew something was wrong.
I was miserable, and my son wasn’t an idiot, either. He knew something was wrong.
The only person happy here was Jase, because he got the best of both worlds. And I was only happy when I saw him.
Which was next to never.
And for so long, I’d accepted it. Because I didn’t think I deserved something more.
Thomas and my parents wouldn’t or couldn’t be there for me, my friends had their own problems, and I was trying to raise a kid on my own. I never thought I’d have all the things I have now. I was supposed to be grateful and not selfish, right?
