Not Quite Over You
Page 64
She’d just finished her first shot when Natalie burst into the apartment.
“What happened?” she asked as she flew across the room and hugged Silver. “Oh, honey, was he a moron? Was it worse? Do we need to have him beat up?”
Silver hugged her back, hanging on so tight, she was afraid she would do damage. It took several minutes before she could finally let go.
“He’s gone,” she said, letting the tears fall. “I sent him away and he went. He’s in Palm Springs with Julie. She’s perfect for him. She’s beautiful and smart. She speaks Chinese. I don’t speak Chinese. I speak a little Spanish and that’s it. She’s accomplished.” More tears fell. “That’s the word. Accomplished and I’m just some blonde who owns a bar in a trailer.”
Natalie pushed her into one of the kitchen chairs. She carried over the tequila, two shot glasses, the plate of lime wedges and the salt, then poured them each a big glass of water. After sitting across from Silver, she smiled.
“Technically you own three bars in trailers, so don’t be selling yourself short.”
The unexpected comment had Silver laughing for a couple of seconds before she began to cry. “I’ve lost him forever. I never had him, I know that, but now I’ve lost him and I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can survive this.”
Natalie took a shot, then reached for her water glass. “I feel like I’m missing some stuff here. Start at the beginning and tell me what’s going on.”
Silver closed her eyes and wondered where the beginning was. When Drew had bought the trailers? No, it was long before that.
“It started the summer I turned eighteen,” she said, and walked her friend through the intense romance that had resulted in her pregnancy. She finished with their last fight. The one where she’d sent Drew away and he’d gone without saying a word.
“You told him it was over,” Natalie said, pouring her third shot. Silver was on her fourth.
“What else was I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know. How about the truth? How about telling him you’re wildly in love with him?”
“Then he would only feel sorry for me. I didn’t want that.”
Natalie looked confused. “Silver, you’re the strongest person I know. This isn’t like you at all. What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to be my mother. She gave her life over to the men she loved. I can’t do that. I won’t. If I tell him I love him, then he’ll have power over me. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what he’ll do.”
Natalie’s brown eyes turned sympathetic. “You’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared. I just realized I’ve been in love with Drew for over a decade. How stupid is that? I’m a complete and total fool.”
“And you’re terrified.”
“That, too.”
“No, I’m saying you’re acting out of fear. You’re not being rational. You’re like a wounded animal.”
Not a description Silver liked at all.
Natalie leaned toward her. “You’re so convinced he’s going to reject you that you’re pushing him away before he can hurt you more. You know how to live with the pain of unrequited love. You’ve been doing it forever. But the pain of being rejected is unimaginable. You’re risking your future happiness because of your fear. That’s kind of dumb.”
Silver honest to God didn’t know what to say to that. You’re wrong was certainly an option, although not a truthful one. She had a bad feeling that Natalie had gotten it right on the first try.
“How on earth could you know all this?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of reading,” Natalie admitted. “Ronan’s still wrestling with all the crap in his family. I thought being informed would make me a better partner for him. It’s really interesting and I’m finding it’s influencing my art in unexpected ways. Which isn’t the point.”
She lowered her voice and her tone gentled. “You pushed him away on purpose.”
“He wasn’t supposed to go,” Silver admitted, hating herself even as she acknowledged she was a wimp and a coward. “He was supposed to win me back.”
“I’m sure he’ll figure that out. He just needs a little time.”
“I don’t want to give him time. I want him punished. Julie, too.”
“That’s so nice.” Natalie smiled. “Tell him you love him.”
“Never.”
“Tell him you love him. If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
“I’m not brave, Natalie. It’s all bluster. A facade. On the inside, I’m spun glass.”
Her friend shook her head. “I might not have lived here that long, but I’ve heard stories about you. Silver, when you were a kid, you saw the life you had with your mom and you knew it wasn’t good for you. You were strong enough to ask for something different. You came here when you were fifteen and you made a life. When you got pregnant, you found a great family for your daughter and you gave her a wonderful chance at a new future. You’ve created a successful business from nothing, you have a circle of friends who would walk through fire for you and through it all you’ve stayed honest and kind. That’s an impressive legacy.”
Silver’s tears returned. “It’s not like I speak Chinese.”
“While that would be great, we don’t have a massive Chinese-speaking population here in Happily Inc, so if you’re looking for a new skill set you might want to try something different. You love Drew.”
“I know.”
“You’re going to have to admit it. That’s the only way to be free. If you’re right and he dumps you, then you will feel the pain and you will move on. If, as I suspect, he loves you back, then you’ll live happily ever after. Isn’t that worth the risk?”
“No! It’s not.” Natalie was right—she was afraid she couldn’t endure being spurned to her face. She didn’t want to see the pity or scorn in his eyes.
Natalie’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, Silver, I was wrong. I was so wrong. I’m sorry. It’s not the pain of being rejected.”
“You just said it was. I just accepted that was it. You can’t change it now.”
“You’re not afraid he’ll let you go—you’re afraid he never loved you in the first place. If he loved you and got over you, that’s one thing, but what if there wasn’t ever love at all? What if it’s all been one-sided, because that’s how it was with your mom, wasn’t it?”
Silver wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Instead she reached for the tequila and poured another shot. “You have got to stop whatever it is you’re reading. It’s not fair to the rest of us.”
“He loves you,” Natalie said firmly.
“Yeah, right.” She downed the shot, licked salt off her hand, then sucked on a lime. “For a man in love, he sure walked away without a backward glance.”
As for telling him how she felt... In her gut, she knew Natalie was right. At some point, she would have to come clean. If he cut her into little pieces, then she would figure out a way to put them back together and get on with her life. At least by telling him the truth, she would break the cycle. Maybe that would be enough to help her escape her mother’s fate.
“What happened?” she asked as she flew across the room and hugged Silver. “Oh, honey, was he a moron? Was it worse? Do we need to have him beat up?”
Silver hugged her back, hanging on so tight, she was afraid she would do damage. It took several minutes before she could finally let go.
“He’s gone,” she said, letting the tears fall. “I sent him away and he went. He’s in Palm Springs with Julie. She’s perfect for him. She’s beautiful and smart. She speaks Chinese. I don’t speak Chinese. I speak a little Spanish and that’s it. She’s accomplished.” More tears fell. “That’s the word. Accomplished and I’m just some blonde who owns a bar in a trailer.”
Natalie pushed her into one of the kitchen chairs. She carried over the tequila, two shot glasses, the plate of lime wedges and the salt, then poured them each a big glass of water. After sitting across from Silver, she smiled.
“Technically you own three bars in trailers, so don’t be selling yourself short.”
The unexpected comment had Silver laughing for a couple of seconds before she began to cry. “I’ve lost him forever. I never had him, I know that, but now I’ve lost him and I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can survive this.”
Natalie took a shot, then reached for her water glass. “I feel like I’m missing some stuff here. Start at the beginning and tell me what’s going on.”
Silver closed her eyes and wondered where the beginning was. When Drew had bought the trailers? No, it was long before that.
“It started the summer I turned eighteen,” she said, and walked her friend through the intense romance that had resulted in her pregnancy. She finished with their last fight. The one where she’d sent Drew away and he’d gone without saying a word.
“You told him it was over,” Natalie said, pouring her third shot. Silver was on her fourth.
“What else was I supposed to say?”
“I don’t know. How about the truth? How about telling him you’re wildly in love with him?”
“Then he would only feel sorry for me. I didn’t want that.”
Natalie looked confused. “Silver, you’re the strongest person I know. This isn’t like you at all. What’s going on?”
“I don’t want to be my mother. She gave her life over to the men she loved. I can’t do that. I won’t. If I tell him I love him, then he’ll have power over me. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what he’ll do.”
Natalie’s brown eyes turned sympathetic. “You’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared. I just realized I’ve been in love with Drew for over a decade. How stupid is that? I’m a complete and total fool.”
“And you’re terrified.”
“That, too.”
“No, I’m saying you’re acting out of fear. You’re not being rational. You’re like a wounded animal.”
Not a description Silver liked at all.
Natalie leaned toward her. “You’re so convinced he’s going to reject you that you’re pushing him away before he can hurt you more. You know how to live with the pain of unrequited love. You’ve been doing it forever. But the pain of being rejected is unimaginable. You’re risking your future happiness because of your fear. That’s kind of dumb.”
Silver honest to God didn’t know what to say to that. You’re wrong was certainly an option, although not a truthful one. She had a bad feeling that Natalie had gotten it right on the first try.
“How on earth could you know all this?”
“I’ve been doing a lot of reading,” Natalie admitted. “Ronan’s still wrestling with all the crap in his family. I thought being informed would make me a better partner for him. It’s really interesting and I’m finding it’s influencing my art in unexpected ways. Which isn’t the point.”
She lowered her voice and her tone gentled. “You pushed him away on purpose.”
“He wasn’t supposed to go,” Silver admitted, hating herself even as she acknowledged she was a wimp and a coward. “He was supposed to win me back.”
“I’m sure he’ll figure that out. He just needs a little time.”
“I don’t want to give him time. I want him punished. Julie, too.”
“That’s so nice.” Natalie smiled. “Tell him you love him.”
“Never.”
“Tell him you love him. If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
“I can’t.”
“You won’t.”
“I’m not brave, Natalie. It’s all bluster. A facade. On the inside, I’m spun glass.”
Her friend shook her head. “I might not have lived here that long, but I’ve heard stories about you. Silver, when you were a kid, you saw the life you had with your mom and you knew it wasn’t good for you. You were strong enough to ask for something different. You came here when you were fifteen and you made a life. When you got pregnant, you found a great family for your daughter and you gave her a wonderful chance at a new future. You’ve created a successful business from nothing, you have a circle of friends who would walk through fire for you and through it all you’ve stayed honest and kind. That’s an impressive legacy.”
Silver’s tears returned. “It’s not like I speak Chinese.”
“While that would be great, we don’t have a massive Chinese-speaking population here in Happily Inc, so if you’re looking for a new skill set you might want to try something different. You love Drew.”
“I know.”
“You’re going to have to admit it. That’s the only way to be free. If you’re right and he dumps you, then you will feel the pain and you will move on. If, as I suspect, he loves you back, then you’ll live happily ever after. Isn’t that worth the risk?”
“No! It’s not.” Natalie was right—she was afraid she couldn’t endure being spurned to her face. She didn’t want to see the pity or scorn in his eyes.
Natalie’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, Silver, I was wrong. I was so wrong. I’m sorry. It’s not the pain of being rejected.”
“You just said it was. I just accepted that was it. You can’t change it now.”
“You’re not afraid he’ll let you go—you’re afraid he never loved you in the first place. If he loved you and got over you, that’s one thing, but what if there wasn’t ever love at all? What if it’s all been one-sided, because that’s how it was with your mom, wasn’t it?”
Silver wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Instead she reached for the tequila and poured another shot. “You have got to stop whatever it is you’re reading. It’s not fair to the rest of us.”
“He loves you,” Natalie said firmly.
“Yeah, right.” She downed the shot, licked salt off her hand, then sucked on a lime. “For a man in love, he sure walked away without a backward glance.”
As for telling him how she felt... In her gut, she knew Natalie was right. At some point, she would have to come clean. If he cut her into little pieces, then she would figure out a way to put them back together and get on with her life. At least by telling him the truth, she would break the cycle. Maybe that would be enough to help her escape her mother’s fate.
