November 9
Page 53
We both order something to eat and he makes sure to add a side of mashed potatoes for Oliver, which I find adorable. I try to alleviate our nerves with small talk. I tell him about how I decided my new goal in life is to open a talent studio. He smiled and said I was no longer, “Fallon the Transient.” I asked him what my new name was and he looked at me thoughtfully and said, “Fallon the Teacher.” And I loved the sound of that.
He said he graduated college this past May and it made me sad that I wasn’t there for that, but I know there will be plenty of milestones in the future. I’ll go to his graduation ceremony when he gets his advanced degree, because he says that’s what he’s working toward now. He got a job doing freelance for an online magazine and decided to further his career with a master’s in technical writing.
During a lull in our conversation, Ben spoons a bite of mashed potatoes into Oliver’s mouth. The baby rubs his eyes and looks as though he’s about to nod off right into his bowl.
“Can he say any words yet?”
Ben smiles down at Oliver, brushing a hand over his tiny head. “A couple. I’m pretty sure he says them by accident, though. He mostly talks gibberish.” Ben laughs and then says, “He did say his first curse word, though. We keep his baby monitor on at night and last week, clear as day, he said the word shit. Little guy is starting early,” he says, pinching Oliver playfully on his cheek. Oliver smiles up at him, and when he does, everything hits me at once.
Ben treats Oliver like a father would treat a son.
Oliver looks at Ben like he’s his dad.
Ben referred to himself and Jordyn as a “we.”
And they keep Oliver’s baby monitor on at night . . . which means . . . they share a bedroom?
I suck in a breath the moment I feel my entire world turn on its axis. I grip the table when the clarity hits.
I feel like such an idiot.
Ben notices the change in my demeanor immediately, and when my eyes lock with his, he begins to slowly shake his head, realizing his slip up. “Fallon,” he says quietly. But he adds no additional words to follow up my name. It’s clear that I know, and he does nothing to dismiss my assumption. He’s drowning in an apologetic look.
Instant jealousy.
Building, raging, insane jealousy. I’m forced to get up from my seat and rush to the bathroom, because I refuse to let him see how much this completely destroyed me in a matter of seconds. He calls after me, but I don’t pause. I’m thankful he brought Oliver with him, because now he can’t run after me.
I rush straight to the sink and I grip the edges of it, staring at myself in the mirror.
Calm down, Fallon. Don’t cry. Save the heartbreak for when you get home.
I’m not prepared for this. I have no idea how to deal with this. It feels like my heart is literally breaking. Cracking right down the middle, bleeding out into my chest, filling my lungs with blood, making it impossible to breathe.
Holding the tears back proves even more difficult when the door to the bathroom opens and shuts. I look up to see Ben standing there, holding Oliver, looking at me with a deep layer of regret.
I close my eyes so I don’t have to see his reflection in the mirror. I drop my head between my shoulders and I just start crying.
Ben
This isn’t how I meant for her to find out. I was going to tell her, and soon, but I wanted to ease into it. Not that I expected her to be heartbroken over the fact that I’m dating Jordyn. In fact, I thought the chances of her being happy for me were greater than the chances of her being upset by it. I never expected this reaction from her. Why is she acting like she cares this much when she made it clear last year that she wasn’t interested in anything more than the arrangement we made?
But it’s obvious by the way she’s reacting that she does care. That she did care. But for whatever reason, she refused to be with me when I needed her the most.
I try to hold it together, considering I’m holding Oliver, but every part of me wants to drop to my knees and scream.
I take a few hesitant steps forward until I’m right behind her. I gently grip her elbow with my hand, wanting to turn her around, but she brushes my hand away and walks to the other side of the restroom. She grabs a paper towel and wipes at her eyes, her back still to me.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” The words fall out of my mouth, as if they’ll somehow comfort her. I want to take them back immediately. It doesn’t matter that Fallon left such a big hole in my heart, I couldn’t help it if someone else found their way in. It doesn’t matter that Jordyn and I were both destroyed after the death of Kyle. It doesn’t matter that things didn’t progress between us until well after Oliver was born. It doesn’t matter that I’ll never feel the same connection with Jordyn that I had with Fallon, but Oliver makes up for anything our relationship lacks.
The only thing that matters to Fallon is the unexpected twist in our story. One neither of us saw coming. One neither of us even wanted. And one she’s partly responsible for. I have to remember that. As much as she’s hurting right now, she hurt me just as much—if not worse—when she chose New York over me.
I look down at Oliver and his head is resting against my chest—his eyes closed. It’s well past time for his morning nap, so I readjust him so that he’s lying in my arms. Every time I look at him, there’s a swelling in my heart. One that’s so different from any feeling Fallon or Jordyn could ever create. And I have to remind myself of that. It’s not about either of them. It’s about this little guy in my arms and what’s best for him. He’s the only thing that should matter, and I’ve been telling myself that for months. I thought that little reminder would be all it took to get me through this moment with Fallon, but now I’m not so sure.
He said he graduated college this past May and it made me sad that I wasn’t there for that, but I know there will be plenty of milestones in the future. I’ll go to his graduation ceremony when he gets his advanced degree, because he says that’s what he’s working toward now. He got a job doing freelance for an online magazine and decided to further his career with a master’s in technical writing.
During a lull in our conversation, Ben spoons a bite of mashed potatoes into Oliver’s mouth. The baby rubs his eyes and looks as though he’s about to nod off right into his bowl.
“Can he say any words yet?”
Ben smiles down at Oliver, brushing a hand over his tiny head. “A couple. I’m pretty sure he says them by accident, though. He mostly talks gibberish.” Ben laughs and then says, “He did say his first curse word, though. We keep his baby monitor on at night and last week, clear as day, he said the word shit. Little guy is starting early,” he says, pinching Oliver playfully on his cheek. Oliver smiles up at him, and when he does, everything hits me at once.
Ben treats Oliver like a father would treat a son.
Oliver looks at Ben like he’s his dad.
Ben referred to himself and Jordyn as a “we.”
And they keep Oliver’s baby monitor on at night . . . which means . . . they share a bedroom?
I suck in a breath the moment I feel my entire world turn on its axis. I grip the table when the clarity hits.
I feel like such an idiot.
Ben notices the change in my demeanor immediately, and when my eyes lock with his, he begins to slowly shake his head, realizing his slip up. “Fallon,” he says quietly. But he adds no additional words to follow up my name. It’s clear that I know, and he does nothing to dismiss my assumption. He’s drowning in an apologetic look.
Instant jealousy.
Building, raging, insane jealousy. I’m forced to get up from my seat and rush to the bathroom, because I refuse to let him see how much this completely destroyed me in a matter of seconds. He calls after me, but I don’t pause. I’m thankful he brought Oliver with him, because now he can’t run after me.
I rush straight to the sink and I grip the edges of it, staring at myself in the mirror.
Calm down, Fallon. Don’t cry. Save the heartbreak for when you get home.
I’m not prepared for this. I have no idea how to deal with this. It feels like my heart is literally breaking. Cracking right down the middle, bleeding out into my chest, filling my lungs with blood, making it impossible to breathe.
Holding the tears back proves even more difficult when the door to the bathroom opens and shuts. I look up to see Ben standing there, holding Oliver, looking at me with a deep layer of regret.
I close my eyes so I don’t have to see his reflection in the mirror. I drop my head between my shoulders and I just start crying.
Ben
This isn’t how I meant for her to find out. I was going to tell her, and soon, but I wanted to ease into it. Not that I expected her to be heartbroken over the fact that I’m dating Jordyn. In fact, I thought the chances of her being happy for me were greater than the chances of her being upset by it. I never expected this reaction from her. Why is she acting like she cares this much when she made it clear last year that she wasn’t interested in anything more than the arrangement we made?
But it’s obvious by the way she’s reacting that she does care. That she did care. But for whatever reason, she refused to be with me when I needed her the most.
I try to hold it together, considering I’m holding Oliver, but every part of me wants to drop to my knees and scream.
I take a few hesitant steps forward until I’m right behind her. I gently grip her elbow with my hand, wanting to turn her around, but she brushes my hand away and walks to the other side of the restroom. She grabs a paper towel and wipes at her eyes, her back still to me.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” The words fall out of my mouth, as if they’ll somehow comfort her. I want to take them back immediately. It doesn’t matter that Fallon left such a big hole in my heart, I couldn’t help it if someone else found their way in. It doesn’t matter that Jordyn and I were both destroyed after the death of Kyle. It doesn’t matter that things didn’t progress between us until well after Oliver was born. It doesn’t matter that I’ll never feel the same connection with Jordyn that I had with Fallon, but Oliver makes up for anything our relationship lacks.
The only thing that matters to Fallon is the unexpected twist in our story. One neither of us saw coming. One neither of us even wanted. And one she’s partly responsible for. I have to remember that. As much as she’s hurting right now, she hurt me just as much—if not worse—when she chose New York over me.
I look down at Oliver and his head is resting against my chest—his eyes closed. It’s well past time for his morning nap, so I readjust him so that he’s lying in my arms. Every time I look at him, there’s a swelling in my heart. One that’s so different from any feeling Fallon or Jordyn could ever create. And I have to remind myself of that. It’s not about either of them. It’s about this little guy in my arms and what’s best for him. He’s the only thing that should matter, and I’ve been telling myself that for months. I thought that little reminder would be all it took to get me through this moment with Fallon, but now I’m not so sure.
