November 9
Page 63
“I want you to hear me out before you speak up, okay? Because I might say some things you don’t want to hear, but I need you to hear them.”
She nods softly, so I inhale an encouraging breath. “Two years ago . . . when I made love to you . . . I gave everything to you. Heart and soul. But then that night when you made the choice to go an entire year without seeing me again, I couldn’t understand what had happened. I didn’t understand how I could have felt what I felt, when you felt nothing. And it fucking hurt, Fallon. You left and I was pissed and I can’t even tell you how hard those next few months were. I wasn’t just grieving Kyle’s death, I was grieving the loss of you.”
I stare straight ahead because I don’t want to see what my words are doing to her. “When Oliver was born, it was the first time I felt happy since the moment you showed up unannounced at my front door. And it was the first time Jordyn smiled since Kyle died. So for the next few months, we spent every minute together with Oliver. Because he was the only bright spot in either of our lives. And when two people both love someone as much as we love him, it creates this bond that I can’t even explain. Over the next few months, she and Oliver became the things that filled the massive voids that you and Kyle had left in my heart. And I guess in a way, I filled that void that Kyle had left in her heart. When things progressed between us, I don’t even know if either of us gave it a prior thought before it happened. But it happened, and no one was there to tell me that I might regret it one day.
“I mean . . . there was even a part of me that believed you would be happy for me when we met up the following November. Because I thought maybe that’s what you wanted, was for me to move on and stop holding on to what you viewed as this fictionalized relationship we created when we were eighteen.
“But then when I showed up that day . . . the last thing I expected was for you to be hurt like that. And the second you figured out that I had been seeing Jordyn, I could see in your eyes how much you really did love me and it was one of the worst moments of my life, Fallon. One of the worst fucking moments, and I can still feel the wounds your tears left in my chest every time I breathe.”
I grip the steering wheel and blow out a steady breath. “As soon as Jordyn got home that night, she could see the heartache on my face. And she knew she wasn’t the girl who put it there. And surprisingly, she wasn’t that upset by it. We talked about it for probably two hours straight. About how I felt about you and about how she felt about Kyle and how we knew we were hurting ourselves by maintaining a relationship that would never equal what we’d both had with other people in the past. So we ended it. That day. I moved my stuff out of her room that night and back into mine until I was able to find a new place.”
I dare a look in her direction, but she’s still staring out the window. I can see her swipe a tear from her eye, and I’m hoping I didn’t make her mad. “I’m not at all putting any of the blame on you, Fallon. Okay? I only brought up that year you walked away because I need you to know that it was always you who had my heart. And I would have never let anyone else borrow it if I knew there was a chance in hell you’d ever want it back.”
I can see her shoulders shaking, and I hate that I’m making her cry. I hate it. I don’t want her to be sad. She looks at me with eyes spilling over with tears. “What about Oliver?” she asks. “You don’t get to live with him anymore?” She swipes at another tear. “I feel awful, Ben. I feel like I took you away from your little boy.”
She covers her face with her hands and breaks out into sobs and I can’t take another second of it. I pull the car over to the side of the road and turn the hazards on. I unbuckle my seat belt and reach across the seat and pull her to me. “Baby, no,” I whisper. “Please don’t cry about that. Me and Oliver . . . we’re perfect. I see him whenever I want, almost every single day. I don’t have to live with his mom to love him the same.”
I brush my hands through her hair and kiss the side of her head. “It’s good. Things are great, Fallon. The only thing not going right in my life is the fact that you aren’t a part of it every single day.”
She pulls away from my shoulder and sniffs. “That’s the only thing not right in my life, Ben. Everything else is perfect. I have two of the best friends in the world. I love school. I love my job. I have one and a half great parents.” She says the last sentence with a laugh. “But the only thing that makes me sad—the biggest thing—is that I think about you every second of every day and I don’t know how to get over you.”
“Don’t,” I beg her. “Please don’t get over me.”
She shrugs with a half-hearted smile. “I can’t. I tried, but I think I’d have to go to AA or something. You’re just a part of my chemical makeup now, I think.”
I laugh, relieved that she’s . . . that she simply exists. And that we were lucky enough to exist in the same lifetime, in the same area of the world, in the same state. And that, after all these years, I surprisingly wouldn’t change a single thing about what ultimately brought us together.
“Ben?” she says. “You look like you’re about to be sick again.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I’m not. I just really need to tell you I love you, but I feel like I should warn you before I do that.”
“Okay,” she says. “Warn me about what?”
She nods softly, so I inhale an encouraging breath. “Two years ago . . . when I made love to you . . . I gave everything to you. Heart and soul. But then that night when you made the choice to go an entire year without seeing me again, I couldn’t understand what had happened. I didn’t understand how I could have felt what I felt, when you felt nothing. And it fucking hurt, Fallon. You left and I was pissed and I can’t even tell you how hard those next few months were. I wasn’t just grieving Kyle’s death, I was grieving the loss of you.”
I stare straight ahead because I don’t want to see what my words are doing to her. “When Oliver was born, it was the first time I felt happy since the moment you showed up unannounced at my front door. And it was the first time Jordyn smiled since Kyle died. So for the next few months, we spent every minute together with Oliver. Because he was the only bright spot in either of our lives. And when two people both love someone as much as we love him, it creates this bond that I can’t even explain. Over the next few months, she and Oliver became the things that filled the massive voids that you and Kyle had left in my heart. And I guess in a way, I filled that void that Kyle had left in her heart. When things progressed between us, I don’t even know if either of us gave it a prior thought before it happened. But it happened, and no one was there to tell me that I might regret it one day.
“I mean . . . there was even a part of me that believed you would be happy for me when we met up the following November. Because I thought maybe that’s what you wanted, was for me to move on and stop holding on to what you viewed as this fictionalized relationship we created when we were eighteen.
“But then when I showed up that day . . . the last thing I expected was for you to be hurt like that. And the second you figured out that I had been seeing Jordyn, I could see in your eyes how much you really did love me and it was one of the worst moments of my life, Fallon. One of the worst fucking moments, and I can still feel the wounds your tears left in my chest every time I breathe.”
I grip the steering wheel and blow out a steady breath. “As soon as Jordyn got home that night, she could see the heartache on my face. And she knew she wasn’t the girl who put it there. And surprisingly, she wasn’t that upset by it. We talked about it for probably two hours straight. About how I felt about you and about how she felt about Kyle and how we knew we were hurting ourselves by maintaining a relationship that would never equal what we’d both had with other people in the past. So we ended it. That day. I moved my stuff out of her room that night and back into mine until I was able to find a new place.”
I dare a look in her direction, but she’s still staring out the window. I can see her swipe a tear from her eye, and I’m hoping I didn’t make her mad. “I’m not at all putting any of the blame on you, Fallon. Okay? I only brought up that year you walked away because I need you to know that it was always you who had my heart. And I would have never let anyone else borrow it if I knew there was a chance in hell you’d ever want it back.”
I can see her shoulders shaking, and I hate that I’m making her cry. I hate it. I don’t want her to be sad. She looks at me with eyes spilling over with tears. “What about Oliver?” she asks. “You don’t get to live with him anymore?” She swipes at another tear. “I feel awful, Ben. I feel like I took you away from your little boy.”
She covers her face with her hands and breaks out into sobs and I can’t take another second of it. I pull the car over to the side of the road and turn the hazards on. I unbuckle my seat belt and reach across the seat and pull her to me. “Baby, no,” I whisper. “Please don’t cry about that. Me and Oliver . . . we’re perfect. I see him whenever I want, almost every single day. I don’t have to live with his mom to love him the same.”
I brush my hands through her hair and kiss the side of her head. “It’s good. Things are great, Fallon. The only thing not going right in my life is the fact that you aren’t a part of it every single day.”
She pulls away from my shoulder and sniffs. “That’s the only thing not right in my life, Ben. Everything else is perfect. I have two of the best friends in the world. I love school. I love my job. I have one and a half great parents.” She says the last sentence with a laugh. “But the only thing that makes me sad—the biggest thing—is that I think about you every second of every day and I don’t know how to get over you.”
“Don’t,” I beg her. “Please don’t get over me.”
She shrugs with a half-hearted smile. “I can’t. I tried, but I think I’d have to go to AA or something. You’re just a part of my chemical makeup now, I think.”
I laugh, relieved that she’s . . . that she simply exists. And that we were lucky enough to exist in the same lifetime, in the same area of the world, in the same state. And that, after all these years, I surprisingly wouldn’t change a single thing about what ultimately brought us together.
“Ben?” she says. “You look like you’re about to be sick again.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I’m not. I just really need to tell you I love you, but I feel like I should warn you before I do that.”
“Okay,” she says. “Warn me about what?”
