Nowhere But Here
Page 115
Dad and Eli do that thing where they look at each other again and I slice my hand in the air. “Nope, you guys don’t get to make these decisions anymore. I’m not asking if you are okay with this. I’m telling you.”
Eli scratches his jaw in that way that hides a smirk and my father folds his hands together and leans forward.
“What if I said you’re safer with things going back to how they were?” Eli asks.
“I’d tell you that it’s not your choice and that you aren’t the center of the universe.”
Dad laughs. Eli releases that grin that always makes me smile. “She really is her mother, isn’t she?”
“One hundred percent,” Dad answers with appreciation spelled out on his face.
Not true. “I’m also a little bit of both of you.”
Their smiles fade and it’s there in their eyes, the desperation that’s aching within me. They want to belong to me as badly as I crave to belong to both of them.
Eli readjusts in his seat and clears his throat. “Does this have to do with Oz?”
My cheeks flare red-hot and I can barely peek at my father, who is currently not blinking. “It helps, but there’s more to Snowflake than you or him. There’s Olivia and Cyrus and Violet and I have a cousin...”
I meet Dad’s gaze now. “Chevy’s strange, but he’s a cousin, and I think I’d like to get to know him. I think there’s a lot of people here I’d like to get to know.” My eyes drift over to Eli. “Some I’d like to get to know a lot better than I already do, plus my driving still needs some serious help.”
“Ignition, gas, brake,” teases Eli. “It’s not that complicated.”
“Says you.”
“Hey, you were able to drive when it counted.” Eli rubs the area where he took a bullet...for me. A bullet that secured my future away from my mother’s psychotic family.
“It’s your call, Jeff. Yours and Meg’s. I still want her to go home.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Eli strikes me with a glare that informs me that speaking in this moment is not an option. “There’s been too much chaos here, Emily. A lot of agreements have been made, but the dust needs to settle before I can be sure it’s solid. I love that you want to be a part of this family, but your safety is still the priority.”
Dad massages the back of his neck and I venture to continue with him. “If I need to go home now, that’s fine, but I want to come back here, and if people from Snowflake happen to wander to Florida, I’d like the chance to see them. I’m not asking for your permission, but I am asking for your blessing.”
“This is going to scare your mom,” Dad says.
It will and I’m sure there will be times I’ll be scared, too, but... “I can’t let my fears or hers dictate my life anymore. It’s time I explore the world.”
Dad steps forward and kisses my forehead. His nonverbal gesture to let me know I’ve won. At least for now. Mom will battle this and Eli has a gleam in his eye saying that some old habits won’t die easily, but I’m feeling more in control of my destiny.
“So, we’ll work this out?” I say to Eli.
He nods. “We’ll work this out.”
Oz
OLIVIA DIED ON a Tuesday. It was sunny. A clear blue sky and a rare seventy-six-degree day in a late Kentucky July. All the windows were open in the house. Almost all the people she loved the most and who loved her in return gathered in her room.
Everyone but Emily.
The moment Olivia took her last breath, the shades of the window in her room billowed out with the breeze and the room filled with the scent of honeysuckle. Cyrus crouched beside her bed, placed their combined hands over his heart and then leaned down and laid his head on her chest. As he waited for another beat, another rise of her body for air, I counted.
One into two. Two into three. Three into she was officially gone.
She was fifty-eight years old and had lived a life so full that for a few weeks after her death everything surrounding me felt empty.
Empty until now.
My motorcycle rumbles beneath me and the wind blows on my face as I race around another curve. Riding is therapy for me. It helps me to forget. Helps me to not feel, but what’s helping me heal are the two arms wrapped tight around my stomach and the delicate body pressed to mine. I let go of the handlebar and squeeze Emily’s knee. She’s home. Only for a week, but it’s a week I’m going to cherish.
We’ve flown past the cabin, the pond, the house my parents have started construction on and the trailer that now serves as our temporary home. Emily and I are going farther and faster than we’ve been before and I love how she sits high on the back of my bike enjoying the sensation of freedom.
The end of the road is in sight and I drop gears then ease to a stop. I kick down the stand and Emily slips off along with me. She smooths back her hair from the ride and glances around the thick woods. “How far of a hike is it?”
“A half mile. Maybe three-quarters. I can do this alone if you want.”
Emily’s lips flatten to a fine line. “No, Olivia left this for me to do. I had no idea she’d enjoy torturing me from heaven.”
I grin and Emily slightly smiles with me. We text. Talk on the phone. Video chat when we can. There’s not a day that we aren’t in contact, but having her here, being able to touch her body, seeing the emotion in her eyes, it’s a million times better.
Eli scratches his jaw in that way that hides a smirk and my father folds his hands together and leans forward.
“What if I said you’re safer with things going back to how they were?” Eli asks.
“I’d tell you that it’s not your choice and that you aren’t the center of the universe.”
Dad laughs. Eli releases that grin that always makes me smile. “She really is her mother, isn’t she?”
“One hundred percent,” Dad answers with appreciation spelled out on his face.
Not true. “I’m also a little bit of both of you.”
Their smiles fade and it’s there in their eyes, the desperation that’s aching within me. They want to belong to me as badly as I crave to belong to both of them.
Eli readjusts in his seat and clears his throat. “Does this have to do with Oz?”
My cheeks flare red-hot and I can barely peek at my father, who is currently not blinking. “It helps, but there’s more to Snowflake than you or him. There’s Olivia and Cyrus and Violet and I have a cousin...”
I meet Dad’s gaze now. “Chevy’s strange, but he’s a cousin, and I think I’d like to get to know him. I think there’s a lot of people here I’d like to get to know.” My eyes drift over to Eli. “Some I’d like to get to know a lot better than I already do, plus my driving still needs some serious help.”
“Ignition, gas, brake,” teases Eli. “It’s not that complicated.”
“Says you.”
“Hey, you were able to drive when it counted.” Eli rubs the area where he took a bullet...for me. A bullet that secured my future away from my mother’s psychotic family.
“It’s your call, Jeff. Yours and Meg’s. I still want her to go home.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Eli strikes me with a glare that informs me that speaking in this moment is not an option. “There’s been too much chaos here, Emily. A lot of agreements have been made, but the dust needs to settle before I can be sure it’s solid. I love that you want to be a part of this family, but your safety is still the priority.”
Dad massages the back of his neck and I venture to continue with him. “If I need to go home now, that’s fine, but I want to come back here, and if people from Snowflake happen to wander to Florida, I’d like the chance to see them. I’m not asking for your permission, but I am asking for your blessing.”
“This is going to scare your mom,” Dad says.
It will and I’m sure there will be times I’ll be scared, too, but... “I can’t let my fears or hers dictate my life anymore. It’s time I explore the world.”
Dad steps forward and kisses my forehead. His nonverbal gesture to let me know I’ve won. At least for now. Mom will battle this and Eli has a gleam in his eye saying that some old habits won’t die easily, but I’m feeling more in control of my destiny.
“So, we’ll work this out?” I say to Eli.
He nods. “We’ll work this out.”
Oz
OLIVIA DIED ON a Tuesday. It was sunny. A clear blue sky and a rare seventy-six-degree day in a late Kentucky July. All the windows were open in the house. Almost all the people she loved the most and who loved her in return gathered in her room.
Everyone but Emily.
The moment Olivia took her last breath, the shades of the window in her room billowed out with the breeze and the room filled with the scent of honeysuckle. Cyrus crouched beside her bed, placed their combined hands over his heart and then leaned down and laid his head on her chest. As he waited for another beat, another rise of her body for air, I counted.
One into two. Two into three. Three into she was officially gone.
She was fifty-eight years old and had lived a life so full that for a few weeks after her death everything surrounding me felt empty.
Empty until now.
My motorcycle rumbles beneath me and the wind blows on my face as I race around another curve. Riding is therapy for me. It helps me to forget. Helps me to not feel, but what’s helping me heal are the two arms wrapped tight around my stomach and the delicate body pressed to mine. I let go of the handlebar and squeeze Emily’s knee. She’s home. Only for a week, but it’s a week I’m going to cherish.
We’ve flown past the cabin, the pond, the house my parents have started construction on and the trailer that now serves as our temporary home. Emily and I are going farther and faster than we’ve been before and I love how she sits high on the back of my bike enjoying the sensation of freedom.
The end of the road is in sight and I drop gears then ease to a stop. I kick down the stand and Emily slips off along with me. She smooths back her hair from the ride and glances around the thick woods. “How far of a hike is it?”
“A half mile. Maybe three-quarters. I can do this alone if you want.”
Emily’s lips flatten to a fine line. “No, Olivia left this for me to do. I had no idea she’d enjoy torturing me from heaven.”
I grin and Emily slightly smiles with me. We text. Talk on the phone. Video chat when we can. There’s not a day that we aren’t in contact, but having her here, being able to touch her body, seeing the emotion in her eyes, it’s a million times better.
