Nowhere But Here
Page 83
“Beer sucks,” she says.
I shrug. “It’s an acquired taste.”
“So’s caviar, but I’m not eating fish eggs.” She yawns and I check my phone for the time. It’s too late or too early. Either way, Emily should be tucked safely in bed.
“I’m sorry,” she says out of the blue. “I’m sorry that I pushed you about Olivia and...I’m just sorry.”
I press the beer to my lips again and keep drinking until it’s gone. If Emily doesn’t believe I’m bad news, she will now. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for biting your head off.”
“It’s okay. I...” She inhales deeply and wraps her arms around her knees. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone, but I understand being messed up and confused and not wanting to discuss things.”
One month. Emily’s survived over one month in my world and she’s hardly batted an eye. Granted, she’s lived in the tamer version Eli and Cyrus created, but the girl’s been away from home while she’s being stalked by some jacked-up people. I know girls who cry when they chip a damn nail. Not Emily. She’s a strong one that rolls with the punches.
“I lied to you,” I admit.
She levels her shocked eyes on me. “What?”
“At the pond, when I said that I liked you...” I rub my thumb over my eyebrow as my brain tingles with the slight beer buzz. “I more than like you. Being with you over the past month...”
I could blame my declaration on the beer, but what I’m experiencing is nothing more than a head rush and I didn’t drink nearly enough to claim stupidity. All the emotions within me collide and I choose a safer path. “You’ve been good to Olivia. And how you were with during her seiz—”
I choke up and my teeth click together in an effort to erase the image of Olivia helpless and shaking on her bed. Soft fingers cover mine and a part of me hates when I grab on to Emily’s hand and hold tight.
“I like her,” says Emily, so softly that her voice is like a caress on my skin. “Olivia is definitely crazy, but I like her. And I also like you—maybe more than like, too.”
Emily craves the truth and I’ve admitted to keeping some of it from her. I won’t betray the club, but I can give Emily more. I tip my chin, indicating the top drawer of my nightstand.
“There’re some pictures in there. They used to be on the fridge, but Mom took them down when you arrived at Olivia’s. The one with the two babies?” I turn my head to look straight in her eyes. She won’t be calling me out on integrity issues with this. “It’s me and you.”
Emily
THERE’S A FLASH in his blue eyes—an unspoken challenge to call him a liar, but I don’t have to push for the truth. It’s written all over his face. Nervous adrenaline floods my system as I wipe my palms against my jeans.
I open the drawer, grab for the stack of pictures and my entire world freezes. A small toddler. Chubby cheeks and fingers. Black hair. Big blue eyes. An infectious grin. He’s settled into a patch of tall green grass and he’s extending a dandelion to a baby girl old enough to sit. Long brown hair. My eyes. Pink Elephant James is by my side. I’m smiling as I accept the gift.
I twine my fingers in my hair and pull tightly enough to cause pain at the roots. Another picture from another time with another person who should not be a part of my past.
My back hits the wall and I lightly rap my head. “I don’t understand.”
Oz extends his leg so that it touches me, then he gently bumps his knee to mine as if offering comfort. “As I said before, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You lived here. Farther down the road, that’s your family. Me and you, Emily? This isn’t the first time we’ve met.”
My body goes numb and I sort of enjoy the feeling. Numb’s better than confusion and hurt and anger. All of which I should be experiencing, but I’m embracing numb. Numb chases away the terrifying, nausea-inducing memories of Olivia’s twitching body.
Even though I’m welcoming numb, even though I’m trying desperately to dive headfirst into it and lose myself in the blackness, an overwhelming wave of sadness hammers into me like a tanker truck and I flinch with the impact.
Olivia’s dying and if she was supposed to be in my life, but wasn’t because my mom ran... “What did I miss? With Olivia? What did I miss not being around her?”
Oz
EMILY’S KILLING ME. Tears pool at the bottom of those dark eyes and I watch helplessly as she bleeds. What did Emily miss by not living here? What will she miss if Olivia dies? Everything worth living for.
“Olivia took care of me,” I say and my own voice tastes foreign. My heart rate increases because this sharing shit, it sure as hell isn’t me. “When I was younger, my parents weren’t ready for...” Me. “A kid, so Olivia took care of me until they could. Don’t get me wrong. They love me and I love them, but Mom was working her way through nursing school and Dad had a job with jacked-up night hours. A kid made things complicated.”
Emily’s waiting for me to continue and I don’t want to continue. I’d prefer to return to the kitchen and suck down a few more bottles of beer.
Olivia had a seizure tonight.
A seizure.
She’s had them before. It’s not new, but the cancer has spread to her blood. It’s over. It’s all fucking over.
I shrug. “It’s an acquired taste.”
“So’s caviar, but I’m not eating fish eggs.” She yawns and I check my phone for the time. It’s too late or too early. Either way, Emily should be tucked safely in bed.
“I’m sorry,” she says out of the blue. “I’m sorry that I pushed you about Olivia and...I’m just sorry.”
I press the beer to my lips again and keep drinking until it’s gone. If Emily doesn’t believe I’m bad news, she will now. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for biting your head off.”
“It’s okay. I...” She inhales deeply and wraps her arms around her knees. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone, but I understand being messed up and confused and not wanting to discuss things.”
One month. Emily’s survived over one month in my world and she’s hardly batted an eye. Granted, she’s lived in the tamer version Eli and Cyrus created, but the girl’s been away from home while she’s being stalked by some jacked-up people. I know girls who cry when they chip a damn nail. Not Emily. She’s a strong one that rolls with the punches.
“I lied to you,” I admit.
She levels her shocked eyes on me. “What?”
“At the pond, when I said that I liked you...” I rub my thumb over my eyebrow as my brain tingles with the slight beer buzz. “I more than like you. Being with you over the past month...”
I could blame my declaration on the beer, but what I’m experiencing is nothing more than a head rush and I didn’t drink nearly enough to claim stupidity. All the emotions within me collide and I choose a safer path. “You’ve been good to Olivia. And how you were with during her seiz—”
I choke up and my teeth click together in an effort to erase the image of Olivia helpless and shaking on her bed. Soft fingers cover mine and a part of me hates when I grab on to Emily’s hand and hold tight.
“I like her,” says Emily, so softly that her voice is like a caress on my skin. “Olivia is definitely crazy, but I like her. And I also like you—maybe more than like, too.”
Emily craves the truth and I’ve admitted to keeping some of it from her. I won’t betray the club, but I can give Emily more. I tip my chin, indicating the top drawer of my nightstand.
“There’re some pictures in there. They used to be on the fridge, but Mom took them down when you arrived at Olivia’s. The one with the two babies?” I turn my head to look straight in her eyes. She won’t be calling me out on integrity issues with this. “It’s me and you.”
Emily
THERE’S A FLASH in his blue eyes—an unspoken challenge to call him a liar, but I don’t have to push for the truth. It’s written all over his face. Nervous adrenaline floods my system as I wipe my palms against my jeans.
I open the drawer, grab for the stack of pictures and my entire world freezes. A small toddler. Chubby cheeks and fingers. Black hair. Big blue eyes. An infectious grin. He’s settled into a patch of tall green grass and he’s extending a dandelion to a baby girl old enough to sit. Long brown hair. My eyes. Pink Elephant James is by my side. I’m smiling as I accept the gift.
I twine my fingers in my hair and pull tightly enough to cause pain at the roots. Another picture from another time with another person who should not be a part of my past.
My back hits the wall and I lightly rap my head. “I don’t understand.”
Oz extends his leg so that it touches me, then he gently bumps his knee to mine as if offering comfort. “As I said before, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. You lived here. Farther down the road, that’s your family. Me and you, Emily? This isn’t the first time we’ve met.”
My body goes numb and I sort of enjoy the feeling. Numb’s better than confusion and hurt and anger. All of which I should be experiencing, but I’m embracing numb. Numb chases away the terrifying, nausea-inducing memories of Olivia’s twitching body.
Even though I’m welcoming numb, even though I’m trying desperately to dive headfirst into it and lose myself in the blackness, an overwhelming wave of sadness hammers into me like a tanker truck and I flinch with the impact.
Olivia’s dying and if she was supposed to be in my life, but wasn’t because my mom ran... “What did I miss? With Olivia? What did I miss not being around her?”
Oz
EMILY’S KILLING ME. Tears pool at the bottom of those dark eyes and I watch helplessly as she bleeds. What did Emily miss by not living here? What will she miss if Olivia dies? Everything worth living for.
“Olivia took care of me,” I say and my own voice tastes foreign. My heart rate increases because this sharing shit, it sure as hell isn’t me. “When I was younger, my parents weren’t ready for...” Me. “A kid, so Olivia took care of me until they could. Don’t get me wrong. They love me and I love them, but Mom was working her way through nursing school and Dad had a job with jacked-up night hours. A kid made things complicated.”
Emily’s waiting for me to continue and I don’t want to continue. I’d prefer to return to the kitchen and suck down a few more bottles of beer.
Olivia had a seizure tonight.
A seizure.
She’s had them before. It’s not new, but the cancer has spread to her blood. It’s over. It’s all fucking over.
