Number Thirteen
Page 53
If he doesn’t notice me stiffen this time, there’s something wrong with him. He places a hand on my arm. “Have I said something wrong?”
I feel like a lump forms and lodges itself in my throat. I remember Lanthie, the only family I’ve ever had, and tears well in my eyes. I really just wanted to go one day without feeling the overpowering guilt that consumes my body daily.
“Shit, Emelyn, I’m sorry.”
I shake my head from side to side, but I can’t stop the tears from falling. Ben catches one with his finger, and turns me to face him. His face is full of concern for me. “I’ve upset you7;vverything.”
“It’s not your fault,” I manage to whisper. “It’s just...I...”
“What is it?” he says, taking one of my hands. His comfort is nice. It warms me from the inside out. “You can talk to me, or we can talk about something else. Just don’t cry. I’d hate if I was the reason for your tears.”
The urge to talk to him is something I’ve not experienced when thinking about Lanthie. I suppose telling a stranger seems like a better way to go when struggling. They’re less judgmental, and far more understanding. People always are if they don’t know you. I’ve wanted to tell William about my feelings, but I feel like he already knows so much about me that he just won’t understand.
So, I turn to Ben. “I am just struggling with the death of a family member right now, and even though it happened a while ago, it’s been bothering me lately.”
He tilts his head to the side and studies me. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Tears prick my eyes again, and he smooths a thumb over the hand he’s got resting in his.
“I didn’t have a great upbringing. My mother was poor, and always doing drugs. She never paid attention to my sister, Lanthie, and I. I was all Lanthie had, she was only three when she died, and I feel like it’s partly my fault. I was...caught up when it happened. I couldn’t get to her, even though I tried. She climbed our balcony and fell to her death. I couldn’t get to her, Ben...I...”
My voice trails off, and I begin to sob. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him, soothing me. “That isn’t your fault, Emelyn. Things happen in life sometimes we can’t control, you couldn’t stop her from climbing that balcony. It wasn’t your duty to, it was your mother’s.”
“It was mine,” I cry. “I knew mother couldn’t do it.”
“Did you purposely allow yourself to be occupied?”
I cringe at the thought of him holding me down. My body trembles. “No,” I whisper in a broken, ragged tone.
“Then how could it possibly be your fault?”
“I should have fought harder. I should have done everything I could...I should have...”
He presses a finger to my lips. “You could have done everything, you could have fought with everything you are, and she could have still gone over that railing. Or you could have saved her and she could have escaped one day when you weren’t there. It’s not your fault, angel; you have to believe that.”
“She was just a little girl. She looked up to me.”
“And you didn’t let her down,” he whispers.
He pulls me into his arms, stroking his hand down my hair. He just holds me there like that for a while, neither of us speaking. It’s nice to feel like someone cares, just for a second.
“Thank you, Ben,” I whisper finally. “Sometimes I feel like I just can’t talk to anyone. There’s so much I have to keep inside because I’m just too scared to let myself open up to anyone. I feel like I just don’t have anyone I trust. So thank you for just letting me speak.”
“I’m always here to talk to, Emelyn. You just have to ask.”
“Benjamin.”
I hear the loud, demanding tone, and I jerk out of Ben’s arms to see William standing at the door. My heart leaps into my throat as I consider how bad this situation must look. One, I’m in Ben’s arms, and two, I just confided a piece of myself to him so easily.himMy he William doesn’t look at me as he walks in, standing in front of us. Ben stands, smiling as though nothing has happened.
“I just dropped by to see how you were, but George said you were out. I was waiting in here for you when Emelyn popped in.”
“I can see that,” William grates out. “Go to my office, we’ll talk there.”
Ben nods, and turns to me. “Anytime, Emelyn. Remember?”
“Thanks,” I whisper, staring at my feet.
I hear Ben leave, and I slowly turn to William. He’s not looking at me; he’s staring over at one of the shelves, his expression empty. He’s mad, I know he is and I understand why he would be, but he doesn’t understand that it meant nothing. I don’t have feelings for Ben. I was just looking for a friend. I don’t feel like I can seek that in William because of the situation we’re in.
“William?” I whisper.
“Did it feel nice for you to give him that piece of yourself, Number Thirteen?”
My chest clenches at the iciness in his tone.
“I didn’t...”
He spins towards me, his eyes narrowing with something more than anger. His broad shoulders move with every labored breath he takes.
“You were touching him.”
“He was just...”
“You were in his arms.”
“It wasn’t...”
I feel like a lump forms and lodges itself in my throat. I remember Lanthie, the only family I’ve ever had, and tears well in my eyes. I really just wanted to go one day without feeling the overpowering guilt that consumes my body daily.
“Shit, Emelyn, I’m sorry.”
I shake my head from side to side, but I can’t stop the tears from falling. Ben catches one with his finger, and turns me to face him. His face is full of concern for me. “I’ve upset you7;vverything.”
“It’s not your fault,” I manage to whisper. “It’s just...I...”
“What is it?” he says, taking one of my hands. His comfort is nice. It warms me from the inside out. “You can talk to me, or we can talk about something else. Just don’t cry. I’d hate if I was the reason for your tears.”
The urge to talk to him is something I’ve not experienced when thinking about Lanthie. I suppose telling a stranger seems like a better way to go when struggling. They’re less judgmental, and far more understanding. People always are if they don’t know you. I’ve wanted to tell William about my feelings, but I feel like he already knows so much about me that he just won’t understand.
So, I turn to Ben. “I am just struggling with the death of a family member right now, and even though it happened a while ago, it’s been bothering me lately.”
He tilts his head to the side and studies me. “Do you want to tell me about it?”
Tears prick my eyes again, and he smooths a thumb over the hand he’s got resting in his.
“I didn’t have a great upbringing. My mother was poor, and always doing drugs. She never paid attention to my sister, Lanthie, and I. I was all Lanthie had, she was only three when she died, and I feel like it’s partly my fault. I was...caught up when it happened. I couldn’t get to her, even though I tried. She climbed our balcony and fell to her death. I couldn’t get to her, Ben...I...”
My voice trails off, and I begin to sob. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him, soothing me. “That isn’t your fault, Emelyn. Things happen in life sometimes we can’t control, you couldn’t stop her from climbing that balcony. It wasn’t your duty to, it was your mother’s.”
“It was mine,” I cry. “I knew mother couldn’t do it.”
“Did you purposely allow yourself to be occupied?”
I cringe at the thought of him holding me down. My body trembles. “No,” I whisper in a broken, ragged tone.
“Then how could it possibly be your fault?”
“I should have fought harder. I should have done everything I could...I should have...”
He presses a finger to my lips. “You could have done everything, you could have fought with everything you are, and she could have still gone over that railing. Or you could have saved her and she could have escaped one day when you weren’t there. It’s not your fault, angel; you have to believe that.”
“She was just a little girl. She looked up to me.”
“And you didn’t let her down,” he whispers.
He pulls me into his arms, stroking his hand down my hair. He just holds me there like that for a while, neither of us speaking. It’s nice to feel like someone cares, just for a second.
“Thank you, Ben,” I whisper finally. “Sometimes I feel like I just can’t talk to anyone. There’s so much I have to keep inside because I’m just too scared to let myself open up to anyone. I feel like I just don’t have anyone I trust. So thank you for just letting me speak.”
“I’m always here to talk to, Emelyn. You just have to ask.”
“Benjamin.”
I hear the loud, demanding tone, and I jerk out of Ben’s arms to see William standing at the door. My heart leaps into my throat as I consider how bad this situation must look. One, I’m in Ben’s arms, and two, I just confided a piece of myself to him so easily.himMy he William doesn’t look at me as he walks in, standing in front of us. Ben stands, smiling as though nothing has happened.
“I just dropped by to see how you were, but George said you were out. I was waiting in here for you when Emelyn popped in.”
“I can see that,” William grates out. “Go to my office, we’ll talk there.”
Ben nods, and turns to me. “Anytime, Emelyn. Remember?”
“Thanks,” I whisper, staring at my feet.
I hear Ben leave, and I slowly turn to William. He’s not looking at me; he’s staring over at one of the shelves, his expression empty. He’s mad, I know he is and I understand why he would be, but he doesn’t understand that it meant nothing. I don’t have feelings for Ben. I was just looking for a friend. I don’t feel like I can seek that in William because of the situation we’re in.
“William?” I whisper.
“Did it feel nice for you to give him that piece of yourself, Number Thirteen?”
My chest clenches at the iciness in his tone.
“I didn’t...”
He spins towards me, his eyes narrowing with something more than anger. His broad shoulders move with every labored breath he takes.
“You were touching him.”
“He was just...”
“You were in his arms.”
“It wasn’t...”
