On the Fence
Page 20
Only it wasn’t.
Why wasn’t it?
I growled and moved onto my back, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, hoping they could tell me the answer to that question. The only thing I saw on the ceiling was Braden’s face.
My heart gave a jolt and I sat up. Crap.
I knew why I cared. Why this mattered so much. Why his opinion was the only thing that mattered.
I was more than just crushing on him. I loved Braden.
Chapter 30
I stared at my phone. I knew I should call Braden. The way he’d looked when I left haunted me. He looked tormented. I wished I didn’t care so much. No. I wished he cared more. No. That was wrong too. It was obvious he cared. I wished he cared differently.
I pushed my fists to my eyes and willed the sting to go away. How did I not know that I loved Braden? I mean, I knew I was reacting to him differently. But I hadn’t realized just how deep the feelings went. How long had I loved him? That’s why it hurt so badly out at the fence when he told me he didn’t like me—because I’d wanted him to. Badly. I had just thought I was humiliated, but I was disappointed. If my mom were still alive, would I call her about something like this? Would we have been close? I heard people say all the time that they hated their moms. I wondered if I would’ve taken her for granted if I’d had her all this time. I certainly couldn’t call my dad. He’d have no idea what to say. He’d probably tell me not to ruin my friendship with Braden by talking about it. He’d be right. This was an impossible situation. I needed Braden in my life. I couldn’t lose him by telling him I loved him.
My phone chimed and my heart jumped. I looked at the message. It was from Gage. I tried not to be too disappointed as I read it.
If you meet a guy named Fredrick, tell him he still owes me two dollars. Miss you.
I texted back: You want me to tell Fredrick he owes you two dollars and that you miss him?
Ha ha.
I smiled. Miss you too. I stared at my phone, waited for him to say more. He didn’t. It was maddeningly silent for two minutes. Finally, I typed: Have you been hanging out with Braden?
Yeah.
And?
And what?
My brother was so dense sometimes. I just wanted to know if Braden was okay. But now that I’d admitted to myself that I was in love with him, it felt like everyone would see that. Maybe everyone had seen it. Did everyone but me know I was in love with Braden?
I sighed. And nothing. I just wondered if you guys were dying without me.
Of course we are.
Probably not dying like I was. Man, I needed to run twice as far tomorrow. Night, Gage.
Night, Charles Barkley.
I hadn’t worn makeup in eight days. It felt nice. I didn’t have to scrub my eyes every night with face wash. It also felt good to be competitive again. Before coming to camp, I hadn’t played a pickup game with my brothers in over a week. I missed it.
Susie held up a sock. “Is this yours?”
“Oh. Yes.”
She threw it to me and I shoved it in my duffel bag, getting everything ready to leave first thing in the morning.
“You’ll have to Facebook me so you can tell me all about how your boy issues turned out.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I’m curious to see myself.” I liked Susie. If she lived closer to me, we would be better friends. I knew I was missing that kind of friendship in my life. Maybe I could have it with Amber one day. . . . I just had to be more honest with her. I needed to be honest with Linda, too. She brought something into my life that I’d never had before. She could read my emotions like the men around me never could. I needed someone to understand me. To help me understand myself. But first I had to come clean. The huge lie I’d told her made it hard to get too close.
But the one truth that stood above the other ones I’d take away from camp was that I was in love with Braden Lewis. I loved him so much it hurt. It hurt because I knew he couldn’t love me back the way I needed him to. And I was going to have to learn to live with that, because I couldn’t lose him. I would have to be happy with whatever part of Braden I could have.
There was a pounding on the window and Susie looked over at me. I shrugged and cranked it open.
“Charlie. It’s the last night. You said it was prank night,” came a whisper from the beach below.
Susie groaned. “We’re too tired.”
“Don’t be babies,” someone else called.
My competitive nature flared up. “We’ll be out in a minute.” I shut the window.
“For real?” Susie asked me, rolling onto her side.
I smiled a wicked smile. “It’s tradition.”
“Fine. What are we doing this year?”
“Filling Fredrick’s dorm room with basketballs. He owes my brother two dollars. I think this will be better than collecting money.”
She laughed. “Well, why didn’t you say that to begin with?”
“I just thought of it.”
“How do we get the keys to the gym?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
Chapter 31
I let out a happy sigh as Jerom pulled in to our driveway. Camp was fun, but it was so nice to be home. I wanted to check on Braden, make sure he was okay. I should’ve called him while I was gone. That’s what a good friend would’ve done. I felt bad that I was too busy licking my wounds to be a good friend.
Jerom parked the car in the garage and we went in through the kitchen. Nathan sat at the counter with a girl I’d never met before.
“You’re home, Charlie.”
“I’m home.”
Jerom brushed by me with my bag. “I’ll put this in your room.”
“Thanks. You’re the best.”
“I know.”
I rolled my eyes, but he didn’t see my display because he was already out of the kitchen. I turned back toward the stranger sitting next to Nathan. “I don’t know you.”
She smiled. She was cute. A small Asian girl with long black hair and a big smile.
Nathan stood and gave me a hug. “This is Lauren. And Lauren, this is my sister, Charlie.”
“Lauren? As in, disc golf Lauren?”
Nathan nodded. “Yes. This is the one we returned the Frisbee to.”
“Wow. You don’t look big or burly,” I told her. Or, as Braden had put it, tall and strong. And from the way my brother smiled at her, I could tell he was into her. My heart sank a little. Not because I didn’t want Nathan to like her, but because I didn’t think Braden would ever look at me that way.
“Excuse me?”
“Inside joke. Sorry. Good to meet you, but I just got home from camp and—”
“You need a shower,” Nathan interrupted.
I punched his arm. “Thanks a lot. I was going to say nap. We were up all night pranking. But shower first, I guess.”
I left him and Frisbee Girl in the kitchen and walked through the door to the living room. I wanted to turn around and walk back out again. Amber sat on the couch, sandwiched between Braden and Gage as they watched television. Braden looked good. Happy, even. His eyes were clear. His hair was perfectly messy.
My heart gave an excited flutter at seeing him and I had to force it to calm down, remind it who was sitting closer than necessary right next to him. Gage jumped up the second he saw me and wrapped me in a hug.
“I missed you, Charles Barkley.”
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the stinging there. “Missed you, too.”
“You stink.”
I smacked his back. “Thanks. Oh, I collected your two dollars from Fredrick . . . sort of.”
“Tell.”
“He was asleep last night and we filled his dorm floor with basketballs. It was awesome.” I tried to make my voice sound light and happy as I told him the story. Like I’d had all the fun in the world while I was gone.
It seemed to work, because Gage laughed. “You are the man . . . well, the she-man.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled. I waved to Amber and Braden. “Hi. I’ve been told I need a shower . . . twice now . . . but are you hanging out for a while?”
They both said, “Yes,” then looked at each other and laughed. My stomach clenched. I had only been gone for a week, but suddenly between Nathan’s new girl and now Braden, it felt like I’d missed out on months of developments. Missed out on my chance. I shouldn’t have left. Braden needed me and I had walked away. Maybe Amber helped him out of his funk.
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
In the shower, the water ran down my face. My stomach hurt and my eyes hurt and my head throbbed. A weird lump had formed in my throat, and I wondered if I was getting sick. Then a sob escaped. A sob that made my heart twist and my insides want to come out. I leaned my forehead against the tile as another one came, followed by tears. It hurt to cry. I didn’t like it. But I couldn’t stop. What was my problem? It wasn’t like I’d lost anything. I knew Braden didn’t like me the way I finally admitted to liking him. But I hadn’t expected to have it thrown in my face so soon upon returning.
I turned off the shower, toweled dry, and dressed. I crept across the hall to my dad’s room and knocked. Jerom had told me my dad was working the late shift tonight, so I figured he’d be sleeping. I didn’t want to wake him, but I needed someone to talk to. He didn’t answer so I let myself in. His bed was made and empty.
I sank onto it and pulled his pillow against my chest. My hand bumped something hard. A book. I stared at the title for a long time: How to Raise a Teenage Girl. He needed a book on how to raise me? He must’ve thought I was turning out wrong. The pages of the book were dog-eared and worn, well used. And they obviously hadn’t helped. I still hadn’t turned out right. The stupid girl on the cover looked more normal than me. My eyes collided with the author’s name on the bottom of the cover: Carol Franks. This was Carol? This was who had given him advice about me for the last several years?
I needed my mom. More tears tried to gag me. It was painful to cry, but it seemed to loosen something in my chest. I pushed the book back under the pillow and checked my face in the mirror to make sure no evidence of my weakness showed. I stared at my reflection. This was me. Hopeless. I made my way back downstairs. Everyone was still in the same position as before on the couch. I glanced at the television.
“What are you guys watching?” It definitely wasn’t sports. It looked like some sort of romantic comedy. Did I walk into the twilight zone?
Amber smiled. “Something you’ll love. These boys need to let the girls have a pick once in a while, right? And it was my pick today.” Her statement implied they’d been hanging out multiple days. “Besides, they lost a bet.”
“What bet was that?”
Amber laughed and couldn’t stop. Gage joined her. I was beginning to wonder if the bet was who could be the most annoying, because I could see how Amber would easily win that.
“Amber had a party this week,” Braden said. “And she has this huge backyard, so we were driving golf balls trying to hit a . . . uh . . . target—”
They all laughed again.
“And she hit it,” Braden was finally able to finish.
They probably wanted me to ask what the target was, but that would just make them laugh harder. And I would feel even less a part of this inside joke. Knowing my brothers, the target was probably someone’s butt or someone’s car. So instead I said, “Really? She beat Gage?”
“I did!” Amber yelled, raising both arms in the air.
“And no one received a concussion as a result or anything, right?”
Gage let out a bursting laugh. “There were helmets.”
Braden scooted closer to Amber and patted the couch cushion beside him. I took a deep breath. Yes. I needed to go sit by him. To show him that we could be friends like we always were. A good friend who wouldn’t notice that he scooted closer to Amber to make room for me, instead of farther away from her. Not only would a good friend not notice that, but she would be happy that he’d found such a nice, fun girl like Amber.
I dug my nails into my palm and walked closer. He looked up and I noticed his left eye was rimmed with black. I gasped. “What happened?”
He smiled.
“I guess the helmet didn’t help?” I asked, realizing he probably took a turn as one of the golf ball targets. Sometimes they were the biggest idiots.
I sat next to him. His familiar scent washed over me and threatened to bring tears back to my eyes. I scooted as far to edge of the couch as possible, practically hugging the armrest. My effort only provided an inch of space between our bodies. Not nearly enough.
He brushed his arm against mine. “We good?” he asked.
I bit my lip and nodded.
“Good, because I was wrong about Evan. I was being a judgmental jerk.”
No, I wanted to yell. You weren’t. And now if you like him that means you weren’t really being jealous at all.
“He’s actually pretty cool,” he said when I didn’t respond.
“Really cool,” Amber butted in. “He’s been hanging out with us this week. Did you know Evan has a boat? You should see these pictures he has of himself wakeboarding. He’s even been in a tournament.”
Were Braden and I really making up in front of Amber? I felt cheated. I wanted a fence make-up, where we had the moon and the stars and nobody else but the two of us. Where we got to tell each other how stupid we’d been and what great friends we were. “Cool,” was all I could manage.
“You okay?” he asked.
I nodded again.
“I missed you.”
I focused really hard on the television, determined not to cry. I wished the sappy movie playing out in front of me was a baseball game. I gasped. “We’re not missing the A’s for this are we?”
Why wasn’t it?
I growled and moved onto my back, staring at the shadows on the ceiling, hoping they could tell me the answer to that question. The only thing I saw on the ceiling was Braden’s face.
My heart gave a jolt and I sat up. Crap.
I knew why I cared. Why this mattered so much. Why his opinion was the only thing that mattered.
I was more than just crushing on him. I loved Braden.
Chapter 30
I stared at my phone. I knew I should call Braden. The way he’d looked when I left haunted me. He looked tormented. I wished I didn’t care so much. No. I wished he cared more. No. That was wrong too. It was obvious he cared. I wished he cared differently.
I pushed my fists to my eyes and willed the sting to go away. How did I not know that I loved Braden? I mean, I knew I was reacting to him differently. But I hadn’t realized just how deep the feelings went. How long had I loved him? That’s why it hurt so badly out at the fence when he told me he didn’t like me—because I’d wanted him to. Badly. I had just thought I was humiliated, but I was disappointed. If my mom were still alive, would I call her about something like this? Would we have been close? I heard people say all the time that they hated their moms. I wondered if I would’ve taken her for granted if I’d had her all this time. I certainly couldn’t call my dad. He’d have no idea what to say. He’d probably tell me not to ruin my friendship with Braden by talking about it. He’d be right. This was an impossible situation. I needed Braden in my life. I couldn’t lose him by telling him I loved him.
My phone chimed and my heart jumped. I looked at the message. It was from Gage. I tried not to be too disappointed as I read it.
If you meet a guy named Fredrick, tell him he still owes me two dollars. Miss you.
I texted back: You want me to tell Fredrick he owes you two dollars and that you miss him?
Ha ha.
I smiled. Miss you too. I stared at my phone, waited for him to say more. He didn’t. It was maddeningly silent for two minutes. Finally, I typed: Have you been hanging out with Braden?
Yeah.
And?
And what?
My brother was so dense sometimes. I just wanted to know if Braden was okay. But now that I’d admitted to myself that I was in love with him, it felt like everyone would see that. Maybe everyone had seen it. Did everyone but me know I was in love with Braden?
I sighed. And nothing. I just wondered if you guys were dying without me.
Of course we are.
Probably not dying like I was. Man, I needed to run twice as far tomorrow. Night, Gage.
Night, Charles Barkley.
I hadn’t worn makeup in eight days. It felt nice. I didn’t have to scrub my eyes every night with face wash. It also felt good to be competitive again. Before coming to camp, I hadn’t played a pickup game with my brothers in over a week. I missed it.
Susie held up a sock. “Is this yours?”
“Oh. Yes.”
She threw it to me and I shoved it in my duffel bag, getting everything ready to leave first thing in the morning.
“You’ll have to Facebook me so you can tell me all about how your boy issues turned out.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I’m curious to see myself.” I liked Susie. If she lived closer to me, we would be better friends. I knew I was missing that kind of friendship in my life. Maybe I could have it with Amber one day. . . . I just had to be more honest with her. I needed to be honest with Linda, too. She brought something into my life that I’d never had before. She could read my emotions like the men around me never could. I needed someone to understand me. To help me understand myself. But first I had to come clean. The huge lie I’d told her made it hard to get too close.
But the one truth that stood above the other ones I’d take away from camp was that I was in love with Braden Lewis. I loved him so much it hurt. It hurt because I knew he couldn’t love me back the way I needed him to. And I was going to have to learn to live with that, because I couldn’t lose him. I would have to be happy with whatever part of Braden I could have.
There was a pounding on the window and Susie looked over at me. I shrugged and cranked it open.
“Charlie. It’s the last night. You said it was prank night,” came a whisper from the beach below.
Susie groaned. “We’re too tired.”
“Don’t be babies,” someone else called.
My competitive nature flared up. “We’ll be out in a minute.” I shut the window.
“For real?” Susie asked me, rolling onto her side.
I smiled a wicked smile. “It’s tradition.”
“Fine. What are we doing this year?”
“Filling Fredrick’s dorm room with basketballs. He owes my brother two dollars. I think this will be better than collecting money.”
She laughed. “Well, why didn’t you say that to begin with?”
“I just thought of it.”
“How do we get the keys to the gym?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
Chapter 31
I let out a happy sigh as Jerom pulled in to our driveway. Camp was fun, but it was so nice to be home. I wanted to check on Braden, make sure he was okay. I should’ve called him while I was gone. That’s what a good friend would’ve done. I felt bad that I was too busy licking my wounds to be a good friend.
Jerom parked the car in the garage and we went in through the kitchen. Nathan sat at the counter with a girl I’d never met before.
“You’re home, Charlie.”
“I’m home.”
Jerom brushed by me with my bag. “I’ll put this in your room.”
“Thanks. You’re the best.”
“I know.”
I rolled my eyes, but he didn’t see my display because he was already out of the kitchen. I turned back toward the stranger sitting next to Nathan. “I don’t know you.”
She smiled. She was cute. A small Asian girl with long black hair and a big smile.
Nathan stood and gave me a hug. “This is Lauren. And Lauren, this is my sister, Charlie.”
“Lauren? As in, disc golf Lauren?”
Nathan nodded. “Yes. This is the one we returned the Frisbee to.”
“Wow. You don’t look big or burly,” I told her. Or, as Braden had put it, tall and strong. And from the way my brother smiled at her, I could tell he was into her. My heart sank a little. Not because I didn’t want Nathan to like her, but because I didn’t think Braden would ever look at me that way.
“Excuse me?”
“Inside joke. Sorry. Good to meet you, but I just got home from camp and—”
“You need a shower,” Nathan interrupted.
I punched his arm. “Thanks a lot. I was going to say nap. We were up all night pranking. But shower first, I guess.”
I left him and Frisbee Girl in the kitchen and walked through the door to the living room. I wanted to turn around and walk back out again. Amber sat on the couch, sandwiched between Braden and Gage as they watched television. Braden looked good. Happy, even. His eyes were clear. His hair was perfectly messy.
My heart gave an excited flutter at seeing him and I had to force it to calm down, remind it who was sitting closer than necessary right next to him. Gage jumped up the second he saw me and wrapped me in a hug.
“I missed you, Charles Barkley.”
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the stinging there. “Missed you, too.”
“You stink.”
I smacked his back. “Thanks. Oh, I collected your two dollars from Fredrick . . . sort of.”
“Tell.”
“He was asleep last night and we filled his dorm floor with basketballs. It was awesome.” I tried to make my voice sound light and happy as I told him the story. Like I’d had all the fun in the world while I was gone.
It seemed to work, because Gage laughed. “You are the man . . . well, the she-man.”
“Thanks,” I mumbled. I waved to Amber and Braden. “Hi. I’ve been told I need a shower . . . twice now . . . but are you hanging out for a while?”
They both said, “Yes,” then looked at each other and laughed. My stomach clenched. I had only been gone for a week, but suddenly between Nathan’s new girl and now Braden, it felt like I’d missed out on months of developments. Missed out on my chance. I shouldn’t have left. Braden needed me and I had walked away. Maybe Amber helped him out of his funk.
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
In the shower, the water ran down my face. My stomach hurt and my eyes hurt and my head throbbed. A weird lump had formed in my throat, and I wondered if I was getting sick. Then a sob escaped. A sob that made my heart twist and my insides want to come out. I leaned my forehead against the tile as another one came, followed by tears. It hurt to cry. I didn’t like it. But I couldn’t stop. What was my problem? It wasn’t like I’d lost anything. I knew Braden didn’t like me the way I finally admitted to liking him. But I hadn’t expected to have it thrown in my face so soon upon returning.
I turned off the shower, toweled dry, and dressed. I crept across the hall to my dad’s room and knocked. Jerom had told me my dad was working the late shift tonight, so I figured he’d be sleeping. I didn’t want to wake him, but I needed someone to talk to. He didn’t answer so I let myself in. His bed was made and empty.
I sank onto it and pulled his pillow against my chest. My hand bumped something hard. A book. I stared at the title for a long time: How to Raise a Teenage Girl. He needed a book on how to raise me? He must’ve thought I was turning out wrong. The pages of the book were dog-eared and worn, well used. And they obviously hadn’t helped. I still hadn’t turned out right. The stupid girl on the cover looked more normal than me. My eyes collided with the author’s name on the bottom of the cover: Carol Franks. This was Carol? This was who had given him advice about me for the last several years?
I needed my mom. More tears tried to gag me. It was painful to cry, but it seemed to loosen something in my chest. I pushed the book back under the pillow and checked my face in the mirror to make sure no evidence of my weakness showed. I stared at my reflection. This was me. Hopeless. I made my way back downstairs. Everyone was still in the same position as before on the couch. I glanced at the television.
“What are you guys watching?” It definitely wasn’t sports. It looked like some sort of romantic comedy. Did I walk into the twilight zone?
Amber smiled. “Something you’ll love. These boys need to let the girls have a pick once in a while, right? And it was my pick today.” Her statement implied they’d been hanging out multiple days. “Besides, they lost a bet.”
“What bet was that?”
Amber laughed and couldn’t stop. Gage joined her. I was beginning to wonder if the bet was who could be the most annoying, because I could see how Amber would easily win that.
“Amber had a party this week,” Braden said. “And she has this huge backyard, so we were driving golf balls trying to hit a . . . uh . . . target—”
They all laughed again.
“And she hit it,” Braden was finally able to finish.
They probably wanted me to ask what the target was, but that would just make them laugh harder. And I would feel even less a part of this inside joke. Knowing my brothers, the target was probably someone’s butt or someone’s car. So instead I said, “Really? She beat Gage?”
“I did!” Amber yelled, raising both arms in the air.
“And no one received a concussion as a result or anything, right?”
Gage let out a bursting laugh. “There were helmets.”
Braden scooted closer to Amber and patted the couch cushion beside him. I took a deep breath. Yes. I needed to go sit by him. To show him that we could be friends like we always were. A good friend who wouldn’t notice that he scooted closer to Amber to make room for me, instead of farther away from her. Not only would a good friend not notice that, but she would be happy that he’d found such a nice, fun girl like Amber.
I dug my nails into my palm and walked closer. He looked up and I noticed his left eye was rimmed with black. I gasped. “What happened?”
He smiled.
“I guess the helmet didn’t help?” I asked, realizing he probably took a turn as one of the golf ball targets. Sometimes they were the biggest idiots.
I sat next to him. His familiar scent washed over me and threatened to bring tears back to my eyes. I scooted as far to edge of the couch as possible, practically hugging the armrest. My effort only provided an inch of space between our bodies. Not nearly enough.
He brushed his arm against mine. “We good?” he asked.
I bit my lip and nodded.
“Good, because I was wrong about Evan. I was being a judgmental jerk.”
No, I wanted to yell. You weren’t. And now if you like him that means you weren’t really being jealous at all.
“He’s actually pretty cool,” he said when I didn’t respond.
“Really cool,” Amber butted in. “He’s been hanging out with us this week. Did you know Evan has a boat? You should see these pictures he has of himself wakeboarding. He’s even been in a tournament.”
Were Braden and I really making up in front of Amber? I felt cheated. I wanted a fence make-up, where we had the moon and the stars and nobody else but the two of us. Where we got to tell each other how stupid we’d been and what great friends we were. “Cool,” was all I could manage.
“You okay?” he asked.
I nodded again.
“I missed you.”
I focused really hard on the television, determined not to cry. I wished the sappy movie playing out in front of me was a baseball game. I gasped. “We’re not missing the A’s for this are we?”
