Once and Again
Page 38
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad.” He was messing this up, damn it. “I got my own shit about this issue. It’s getting in the way. It’s not about you. Not at all. I’m sorry if I’m making you feel worse.”
She sighed and flopped into a chair.
“Did they even thank you?”
“Christ. I need to sleep. This is my family, I have to do whatever I can to help Chris, who has no choice. Thank-yous aren’t even on my radar. That’s not why I’m here. I’m not Nancy.”
“I know you’re not. But I’ll be damned if I don’t say they take advantage of you and don’t bother with any manners. I hate seeing it. I hate seeing you in pieces because your mother is more interested in a bottle than you. Because your sister is a selfish bitch and cares more about stirring trouble than helping. It’s not fair for you to do it all.”
“Life’s not fair, Nathan. Someone has to clean up the mess and if it’s not me, then it’s no one, because everyone else is too wrapped up in their own crap. So it doesn’t matter that no one thanks me. Or that my mom would rather be stoned all day than be a parent. Or that my sister is a whore who f**ks married men and lives off other people. Or that my father is banging a twenty-year-old. None of that matters because the outcome is the same. It still needs to be taken care of and I’m still the only one who’s gonna do it. Whining about it won’t change that.”
“Why is it so impossible for your mother and sister to say thank you for all you’re doing? I know Chris is too young to truly get it, but they’re not. It’s shitty to treat you like the help. Like your sacrifices don’t matter. Where would your momma be if you hadn’t come? Huh?”
“It’s a waste of time to bemoan it. It is what it is.”
“It’s not a crime to need to lean on someone. To share your burden with me so I can help you. Even just a little bit. They ask too much of you. I hate that.”
“Like it was too much that you guys paid for Jill and Jake to go to school and you had to eat dinner with your parents once a year at least and endure all that abuse to get the financial-aid papers signed?”
“What do you know about that?”
“Oh so you get to hold stuff back and it’s okay? But I’ve got to rip myself open? It’s too much when my family needs it but not yours?”
“That’s not what I meant.” Well not all the way. “This is spinning out of control. All I’m trying to do is help, and you’re attacking me and attempting to start a fight.”
She got up and went to the door. “I told you I didn’t want any company, that I had to work. And you came to me. You came to me. If you don’t want to fight, just butt the hell out. I’m doing the best I can and I know I’m still messing up. I don’t need to be alerted to this all too painful fact.”
“Stop pushing me away. I’m just trying to love you.” Seeing her so upset broke his heart. He wanted to gather her up to him and run far away.
“I can’t do this right now. Please go.” Her voice got thin for a moment, tears so clearly close, but she held her arm in front of her body, between them, to hold him back.
“This isn’t over. Just because I’m going right now doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I’m not leaving until you admit that.”
She made an annoyed growl and he knew that was good enough for the time being. He didn’t want any misunderstandings.
“Yes. Of course. I didn’t think that.” She sounded so miserable he didn’t want to say anything else and make her feel worse.
He did stop, close to her body, cupping her cheek. She leaned into his touch. “I love you, Lily. I want to make you happy. Sometimes that won’t be the case. But I’m sure as hell going to try. I’ll see you soon. I’ll be calling tomorrow. Now really do get some sleep.”
Chapter Eleven
She watched her mother disappear into the other room and come back with a full glass of tea. When she thought it, she put it in quotes. Because it wasn’t tea at all, it was a splash of tea and a lot of bourbon. And she was on her third glass before eight in the morning.
Divorce papers had shown up the day before. Which, if it had been an isolated thing to see her mother this sauced, would be excusable given the circumstances. Only this had become markedly worse in the last week.
“Hey, Chris, can you please run to my place and grab my bag? I think I left it on my kitchen table. My keys are in it.”
He was up and out, with one last look toward their mother.
“Do you think he doesn’t know?”
“What are you talking about?”
Lily closed her eyes for a moment. “About the bourbon in your glass not being tea.”
“That’s a lie!”
She got up and went over there. Her mother tried to move out of the way but Lily leaned in and took a sniff. “I can smell it from over there and I can really smell it here.” This was more than she could handle. “How long have you been doing this? Since before Dad left? Secret drinking isn’t something that happens overnight.”
“You’ve got to stop reading those pamphlets at the doctor’s office. So I’m having a cocktail. It’s not like I’m swigging from the bottle in front of Chris.”
“You’re drinking bourbon at seven in the morning. You’re hiding bottles. You’re denying and defensive when confronted about it. None of these things are normal for people who don’t have drinking problems. He can tell. He’s not a four-year-old.” Lily hated it, but it was time to move to Plan B.
She sighed and flopped into a chair.
“Did they even thank you?”
“Christ. I need to sleep. This is my family, I have to do whatever I can to help Chris, who has no choice. Thank-yous aren’t even on my radar. That’s not why I’m here. I’m not Nancy.”
“I know you’re not. But I’ll be damned if I don’t say they take advantage of you and don’t bother with any manners. I hate seeing it. I hate seeing you in pieces because your mother is more interested in a bottle than you. Because your sister is a selfish bitch and cares more about stirring trouble than helping. It’s not fair for you to do it all.”
“Life’s not fair, Nathan. Someone has to clean up the mess and if it’s not me, then it’s no one, because everyone else is too wrapped up in their own crap. So it doesn’t matter that no one thanks me. Or that my mom would rather be stoned all day than be a parent. Or that my sister is a whore who f**ks married men and lives off other people. Or that my father is banging a twenty-year-old. None of that matters because the outcome is the same. It still needs to be taken care of and I’m still the only one who’s gonna do it. Whining about it won’t change that.”
“Why is it so impossible for your mother and sister to say thank you for all you’re doing? I know Chris is too young to truly get it, but they’re not. It’s shitty to treat you like the help. Like your sacrifices don’t matter. Where would your momma be if you hadn’t come? Huh?”
“It’s a waste of time to bemoan it. It is what it is.”
“It’s not a crime to need to lean on someone. To share your burden with me so I can help you. Even just a little bit. They ask too much of you. I hate that.”
“Like it was too much that you guys paid for Jill and Jake to go to school and you had to eat dinner with your parents once a year at least and endure all that abuse to get the financial-aid papers signed?”
“What do you know about that?”
“Oh so you get to hold stuff back and it’s okay? But I’ve got to rip myself open? It’s too much when my family needs it but not yours?”
“That’s not what I meant.” Well not all the way. “This is spinning out of control. All I’m trying to do is help, and you’re attacking me and attempting to start a fight.”
She got up and went to the door. “I told you I didn’t want any company, that I had to work. And you came to me. You came to me. If you don’t want to fight, just butt the hell out. I’m doing the best I can and I know I’m still messing up. I don’t need to be alerted to this all too painful fact.”
“Stop pushing me away. I’m just trying to love you.” Seeing her so upset broke his heart. He wanted to gather her up to him and run far away.
“I can’t do this right now. Please go.” Her voice got thin for a moment, tears so clearly close, but she held her arm in front of her body, between them, to hold him back.
“This isn’t over. Just because I’m going right now doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I’m not leaving until you admit that.”
She made an annoyed growl and he knew that was good enough for the time being. He didn’t want any misunderstandings.
“Yes. Of course. I didn’t think that.” She sounded so miserable he didn’t want to say anything else and make her feel worse.
He did stop, close to her body, cupping her cheek. She leaned into his touch. “I love you, Lily. I want to make you happy. Sometimes that won’t be the case. But I’m sure as hell going to try. I’ll see you soon. I’ll be calling tomorrow. Now really do get some sleep.”
Chapter Eleven
She watched her mother disappear into the other room and come back with a full glass of tea. When she thought it, she put it in quotes. Because it wasn’t tea at all, it was a splash of tea and a lot of bourbon. And she was on her third glass before eight in the morning.
Divorce papers had shown up the day before. Which, if it had been an isolated thing to see her mother this sauced, would be excusable given the circumstances. Only this had become markedly worse in the last week.
“Hey, Chris, can you please run to my place and grab my bag? I think I left it on my kitchen table. My keys are in it.”
He was up and out, with one last look toward their mother.
“Do you think he doesn’t know?”
“What are you talking about?”
Lily closed her eyes for a moment. “About the bourbon in your glass not being tea.”
“That’s a lie!”
She got up and went over there. Her mother tried to move out of the way but Lily leaned in and took a sniff. “I can smell it from over there and I can really smell it here.” This was more than she could handle. “How long have you been doing this? Since before Dad left? Secret drinking isn’t something that happens overnight.”
“You’ve got to stop reading those pamphlets at the doctor’s office. So I’m having a cocktail. It’s not like I’m swigging from the bottle in front of Chris.”
“You’re drinking bourbon at seven in the morning. You’re hiding bottles. You’re denying and defensive when confronted about it. None of these things are normal for people who don’t have drinking problems. He can tell. He’s not a four-year-old.” Lily hated it, but it was time to move to Plan B.
