Once and Always
Page 80
Victoria pulled her arm free with a wrenching tug that nearly dislocated her shoulder, then stepped back, well out of his reach, her chest rising and falling in fury and fright. “You are an animal!” she hissed. “I am not absurd, and I won’t be used like an animal ever again!”
She stalked into her room and slammed the door, then locked it with a loud snap.
She had taken only a few steps when the door burst open behind her with an explosive crack and came flying out of its frame, hanging drunkenly from one hinge. Jason stood in the gaping hole of the doorway, his face white with rage, his voice hissing between his teeth. “Don’t you ever bar a door to me again as long as you live,” he snarled. “And don’t ever threaten me with divorce again! This house is my property, under the law, just as you are my property. Do you understand me?”
Victoria nodded jerkily, mentally recoiling from the blinding violence flashing in his eyes. He turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, leaving her shaking with fear. Never had she witnessed such volcanic rage in a human being. Jason wasn’t an animal, he was a crazed monster.
She waited, listening to the sounds of his drawers abruptly opening and closing as he dressed, her mind working frantically for some way to extricate herself from the nightmare her life had become. When she heard his door slam and knew he had gone downstairs, she walked over to her bed and sank down. She remained where she was, thinking, for nearly an hour, but there was no way out. She was trapped for a lifetime. Jason had spoken the truth—she was his chattel, just like his house and his horses.
If he wouldn’t agree to a divorce, she couldn’t imagine how she could possibly go about obtaining one on her own. She wasn’t even certain she had adequate reason to convince a court to give her a divorce, but she was perfectly certain she couldn’t possibly explain to a group of bewigged male judges what Jason had done to her last night to make her want a divorce.
She had been grasping wildly at straws when she conceived the idea of divorce this morning. The whole idea was impossibly radical, she realized with a despondent sigh. She was trapped here until she gave Jason the son he wanted. Then she would be bound to Wakefield by the existence of the very child who might have set her free, because she knew she could never go away and leave a baby of hers.
Victoria looked aimlessly about the luxurious room. Somehow she was going to have to learn to adapt to her new life, to make the best of things until fate might intervene to help her somehow. In the meantime, she would have to take steps to keep her sanity, she decided as a numbing calm stole over her. She could spend time with other people, leave the house and go about her own business or amusements. She would have to devise pleasant diversions to distract herself from dwelling upon her problems. Beginning immediately. She hated self-pity and she refused to wallow in it.
She had already made friends in England; soon she would have a child to love and to love her in return. She would make the best of an empty life by filling it with anything she could find to keep her sane.
She raked her hair back away from her pale face, and stood up resolved to do exactly that. Even so, her shoulders dropped as she rang for Ruth. Why did Jason hold her in such contempt, she wondered miserably. She ached for someone to talk to, to confide in. Always before she’d had her mother, or her father, or Andrew to talk with and listen to. Talking things out always helped. But since she came to England, there was no one. Charles’s health was poor and she’d had to put on a brave, cheerful face for him from the very first day she came here. Besides, Jason was his nephew, and she couldn’t possibly discuss her fears about Jason with his own uncle, even if Charles were here at Wakefield. Caroline Collingwood was a good and loyal friend, but she was miles away, and Victoria doubted if Caroline could understand Jason, even if she herself tried to discuss him.
There was nothing for it, Victoria decided, but for her to continue holding everything inside herself, to pretend to be happy and confident, until—someday—she might actually feel that way again. There would come a time, she promised herself grimly, when she could face the night without dread of Jason walking into her room. There would come a time when she could look at him and feel nothing—not fear or hurt or humiliation or loneliness. That day would come-somehow, it would! As soon as she conceived a child, he would leave her alone, and she prayed it would happen soon.
“Ruth,” she said tightly when the little maid appeared. “Would you ask someone to harness one of the horses to the smallest carriage we have—one I can easily drive? And please ask whoever does it to choose the gentlest horse we have—I’m not very familiar with driving a carriage. When you’ve done that, please ask Mrs. Craddock to pack several baskets of leftover food from the party last night so I may take them with me.”
“But, my lady,” Ruth said hesitantly, “only look out the window. It’s turned chilly and there’s a storm comin‘. See for yourself how dark the sky is.”
Victoria glanced out the windows at the leaden skies. “It doesn’t look as if it will rain for hours, if at all,” she decided a little desperately. “I’d like to leave in half an hour. Oh, has Lord Fielding gone out, or is he downstairs?”
“His lordship’s gone out, my lady.”
“Do you happen to know if he’s left the estate, or is merely outdoors somewhere?” Victoria asked, unable to disguise the desperate anxiety in her voice. Despite her resolve to think of Jason as a complete stranger and to-treat him as one, she did not relish the idea of confronting him again right now, when her emotions were still so raw. Besides, she was rather certain he would order her to stay at home, rather than permitting her to go out when a storm could be coming on. And the truth was, she had to get out of this house for a while. She had to!
“Lord Fielding ordered the horses put to the phaeton and he drove off. He said he had some calls to make. I saw him leave with my own eyes,” Ruth assured her.
The carriage was loaded with food and waiting in the drive when Victoria came downstairs.
“What shall I tell his lordship?” Northrup said, looking exceedingly distressed when Victoria insisted upon leaving despite his dire prediction of an impending storm.
Victoria turned, allowing him to place a lightweight mauve cloak over her shoulders. “Tell him I said good-bye,” Victoria said evasively.
She walked outside, went around to the back of the house and unsnapped Wolf’s chain, then came around to the front again. The head groom assisted her into the carriage and Wolf bounded up beside her. Wolf looked so happy to be unchained that Victoria smiled and patted his regal head. “You’re free at last,” she told the huge animal. “And so ami.”
She stalked into her room and slammed the door, then locked it with a loud snap.
She had taken only a few steps when the door burst open behind her with an explosive crack and came flying out of its frame, hanging drunkenly from one hinge. Jason stood in the gaping hole of the doorway, his face white with rage, his voice hissing between his teeth. “Don’t you ever bar a door to me again as long as you live,” he snarled. “And don’t ever threaten me with divorce again! This house is my property, under the law, just as you are my property. Do you understand me?”
Victoria nodded jerkily, mentally recoiling from the blinding violence flashing in his eyes. He turned on his heel and stalked out of the room, leaving her shaking with fear. Never had she witnessed such volcanic rage in a human being. Jason wasn’t an animal, he was a crazed monster.
She waited, listening to the sounds of his drawers abruptly opening and closing as he dressed, her mind working frantically for some way to extricate herself from the nightmare her life had become. When she heard his door slam and knew he had gone downstairs, she walked over to her bed and sank down. She remained where she was, thinking, for nearly an hour, but there was no way out. She was trapped for a lifetime. Jason had spoken the truth—she was his chattel, just like his house and his horses.
If he wouldn’t agree to a divorce, she couldn’t imagine how she could possibly go about obtaining one on her own. She wasn’t even certain she had adequate reason to convince a court to give her a divorce, but she was perfectly certain she couldn’t possibly explain to a group of bewigged male judges what Jason had done to her last night to make her want a divorce.
She had been grasping wildly at straws when she conceived the idea of divorce this morning. The whole idea was impossibly radical, she realized with a despondent sigh. She was trapped here until she gave Jason the son he wanted. Then she would be bound to Wakefield by the existence of the very child who might have set her free, because she knew she could never go away and leave a baby of hers.
Victoria looked aimlessly about the luxurious room. Somehow she was going to have to learn to adapt to her new life, to make the best of things until fate might intervene to help her somehow. In the meantime, she would have to take steps to keep her sanity, she decided as a numbing calm stole over her. She could spend time with other people, leave the house and go about her own business or amusements. She would have to devise pleasant diversions to distract herself from dwelling upon her problems. Beginning immediately. She hated self-pity and she refused to wallow in it.
She had already made friends in England; soon she would have a child to love and to love her in return. She would make the best of an empty life by filling it with anything she could find to keep her sane.
She raked her hair back away from her pale face, and stood up resolved to do exactly that. Even so, her shoulders dropped as she rang for Ruth. Why did Jason hold her in such contempt, she wondered miserably. She ached for someone to talk to, to confide in. Always before she’d had her mother, or her father, or Andrew to talk with and listen to. Talking things out always helped. But since she came to England, there was no one. Charles’s health was poor and she’d had to put on a brave, cheerful face for him from the very first day she came here. Besides, Jason was his nephew, and she couldn’t possibly discuss her fears about Jason with his own uncle, even if Charles were here at Wakefield. Caroline Collingwood was a good and loyal friend, but she was miles away, and Victoria doubted if Caroline could understand Jason, even if she herself tried to discuss him.
There was nothing for it, Victoria decided, but for her to continue holding everything inside herself, to pretend to be happy and confident, until—someday—she might actually feel that way again. There would come a time, she promised herself grimly, when she could face the night without dread of Jason walking into her room. There would come a time when she could look at him and feel nothing—not fear or hurt or humiliation or loneliness. That day would come-somehow, it would! As soon as she conceived a child, he would leave her alone, and she prayed it would happen soon.
“Ruth,” she said tightly when the little maid appeared. “Would you ask someone to harness one of the horses to the smallest carriage we have—one I can easily drive? And please ask whoever does it to choose the gentlest horse we have—I’m not very familiar with driving a carriage. When you’ve done that, please ask Mrs. Craddock to pack several baskets of leftover food from the party last night so I may take them with me.”
“But, my lady,” Ruth said hesitantly, “only look out the window. It’s turned chilly and there’s a storm comin‘. See for yourself how dark the sky is.”
Victoria glanced out the windows at the leaden skies. “It doesn’t look as if it will rain for hours, if at all,” she decided a little desperately. “I’d like to leave in half an hour. Oh, has Lord Fielding gone out, or is he downstairs?”
“His lordship’s gone out, my lady.”
“Do you happen to know if he’s left the estate, or is merely outdoors somewhere?” Victoria asked, unable to disguise the desperate anxiety in her voice. Despite her resolve to think of Jason as a complete stranger and to-treat him as one, she did not relish the idea of confronting him again right now, when her emotions were still so raw. Besides, she was rather certain he would order her to stay at home, rather than permitting her to go out when a storm could be coming on. And the truth was, she had to get out of this house for a while. She had to!
“Lord Fielding ordered the horses put to the phaeton and he drove off. He said he had some calls to make. I saw him leave with my own eyes,” Ruth assured her.
The carriage was loaded with food and waiting in the drive when Victoria came downstairs.
“What shall I tell his lordship?” Northrup said, looking exceedingly distressed when Victoria insisted upon leaving despite his dire prediction of an impending storm.
Victoria turned, allowing him to place a lightweight mauve cloak over her shoulders. “Tell him I said good-bye,” Victoria said evasively.
She walked outside, went around to the back of the house and unsnapped Wolf’s chain, then came around to the front again. The head groom assisted her into the carriage and Wolf bounded up beside her. Wolf looked so happy to be unchained that Victoria smiled and patted his regal head. “You’re free at last,” she told the huge animal. “And so ami.”
