One Fell Sweep
Page 55
She paused.
“Okay,” I said, to say something.
“Your wolf isn’t like these soldiers. He kills, because a part of him needs it. He’s a predator, Dina.”
“You make him sound like a maniac. He doesn’t revel in it.”
“I didn’t say he did. He isn’t cruel. But when he comes to the battlefield, he doesn’t see the enemy. He sees prey. He isn’t detached. He’s all in. Tonight, he punished. He broke their bones, he made them scream, and then he cut off their heads and put them on a pike.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
Maud nodded. “I know. I’m trying to explain something that I feel, and it’s difficult. Despite the way the movies and books make it seem, when you’re out there and someone is trying to kill you, you don’t think. You just act. You kill the enemy as quickly as you can, because that’s your only option. He’s… Not like that. He’s active. He doesn’t surrender to that fight or flight response. I watched him mow through the Draziri. He looked at them for half a second, formulated a plan, and followed it. All of him is fully engaged, even the part that most people shut off.”
“What are you trying to say?”
Maud sighed. “When you came to find me, you picked up Helen. Why?”
“It seemed like a natural thing to do. I could run faster carrying her than she could run alone. I could shield her.”
“The moment you picked her up, neither you nor she could effectively respond to threats. You added fifty pounds to your load. You also robbed her of the only advantage she had: mobility. Helen is fast and good at dodging. She couldn’t dodge while you were carrying her.”
“Well…”
“Yeah.”
She had a point. I didn’t like it, but she was right.
“You made it to the door because, when Sean saw you scooping her up, he started cutting a way for you to get there. He didn’t say anything. He just compensated. Your instincts aren’t always right in a fight, Dina. But his are. Put him into any army, and in a few weeks he’ll be leading it, because professional soldiers would see him fight and know that he would survive. It’s something you feel. It’s a lizard brain thing. If I had a strategy planned and it was the best plan in the world, and he told me to change it, I would, because he has something I don’t. So when you’re in danger and he tells you to follow his lead, you should.”
“I don’t like ultimatums.”
“Neither do I. But he had a reason to give you one. I think he loves you, Dina. He’s afraid of losing you.”
I stared at her.
“If you’re in danger and you hobble him, both of you might die. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. That’s why you gave him that dollar. What is this fight really about?”
I closed my eyes.
She waited.
“I’m afraid he’ll leave.” There. It came out. “I hate this.”
“Why?”
“Because I sound needy and desperate.”
Maud snorted. “You’re the least needy person I know.”
“I want him to stay here with me and run the inn. I want to wake up every day and see him there in bed with me. And I barely know him. We had one date. Am I that lonely, Maud? Because I’m all in and I don’t know if he is, and I have no right to ask for that much. You know what it means to be an innkeeper. We are bound to our inns.”
“If you were just lonely, you would clutch on to anybody who came along,” she said. “Would you take Arland instead of Sean?”
“No.”
“See?”
“You took two years to decide you loved Melizard.”
She snorted again. “And look how much good it did me. I don’t regret it, because I have Helen now. But it wasn’t the best move. Who cares about dates? It’s when you’re under pressure together, that’s what counts. He risked his life for you. He was ready to fight for the Hiru, because he saw an injustice. Is he kind when it’s difficult? Does he still do the right thing when everything turns to shit?”
He sold himself to the Merchants for a lifetime contract to keep me from dying. “Yes.”
“Then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Nothing kills it faster than not talking. Trust me, I know. That’s how my marriage died.”
Her face was flat. No emotion. No tremor in her voice. She’d loved Melizard so much, she followed him across the galaxy to an alien planet, where she molded herself into a perfect vampire knight’s spouse. And it ended so badly.
I wanted to hug her, but she sat stiff, her back straight. No weakness.
A screen opened in the wall. The Hiru’s odd features filled it.
“What can I do for you?” I asked.
“The third Archivarian is arriving to the inn in five minutes,” the Hiru said. “Please remove the void field.”
* * *
I reached through the inn with my senses. Sean waited by the back porch.
“Sean,” I whispered. “I need your help.”
I felt him move toward me.
“Oh Sean…” Maud whispered in a sing-song voice, rolling her eyes.
I squinted at her. “Do you want to call Arland or should I?”
“You do it,” she said.
I reached through the inn. Arland was in the kitchen, with Helen. Probably fixing his armor again.
“Lord Marshal,” I said. “Could I please see you in the war room?”
“Okay,” I said, to say something.
“Your wolf isn’t like these soldiers. He kills, because a part of him needs it. He’s a predator, Dina.”
“You make him sound like a maniac. He doesn’t revel in it.”
“I didn’t say he did. He isn’t cruel. But when he comes to the battlefield, he doesn’t see the enemy. He sees prey. He isn’t detached. He’s all in. Tonight, he punished. He broke their bones, he made them scream, and then he cut off their heads and put them on a pike.”
“He’s been through a lot.”
Maud nodded. “I know. I’m trying to explain something that I feel, and it’s difficult. Despite the way the movies and books make it seem, when you’re out there and someone is trying to kill you, you don’t think. You just act. You kill the enemy as quickly as you can, because that’s your only option. He’s… Not like that. He’s active. He doesn’t surrender to that fight or flight response. I watched him mow through the Draziri. He looked at them for half a second, formulated a plan, and followed it. All of him is fully engaged, even the part that most people shut off.”
“What are you trying to say?”
Maud sighed. “When you came to find me, you picked up Helen. Why?”
“It seemed like a natural thing to do. I could run faster carrying her than she could run alone. I could shield her.”
“The moment you picked her up, neither you nor she could effectively respond to threats. You added fifty pounds to your load. You also robbed her of the only advantage she had: mobility. Helen is fast and good at dodging. She couldn’t dodge while you were carrying her.”
“Well…”
“Yeah.”
She had a point. I didn’t like it, but she was right.
“You made it to the door because, when Sean saw you scooping her up, he started cutting a way for you to get there. He didn’t say anything. He just compensated. Your instincts aren’t always right in a fight, Dina. But his are. Put him into any army, and in a few weeks he’ll be leading it, because professional soldiers would see him fight and know that he would survive. It’s something you feel. It’s a lizard brain thing. If I had a strategy planned and it was the best plan in the world, and he told me to change it, I would, because he has something I don’t. So when you’re in danger and he tells you to follow his lead, you should.”
“I don’t like ultimatums.”
“Neither do I. But he had a reason to give you one. I think he loves you, Dina. He’s afraid of losing you.”
I stared at her.
“If you’re in danger and you hobble him, both of you might die. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. That’s why you gave him that dollar. What is this fight really about?”
I closed my eyes.
She waited.
“I’m afraid he’ll leave.” There. It came out. “I hate this.”
“Why?”
“Because I sound needy and desperate.”
Maud snorted. “You’re the least needy person I know.”
“I want him to stay here with me and run the inn. I want to wake up every day and see him there in bed with me. And I barely know him. We had one date. Am I that lonely, Maud? Because I’m all in and I don’t know if he is, and I have no right to ask for that much. You know what it means to be an innkeeper. We are bound to our inns.”
“If you were just lonely, you would clutch on to anybody who came along,” she said. “Would you take Arland instead of Sean?”
“No.”
“See?”
“You took two years to decide you loved Melizard.”
She snorted again. “And look how much good it did me. I don’t regret it, because I have Helen now. But it wasn’t the best move. Who cares about dates? It’s when you’re under pressure together, that’s what counts. He risked his life for you. He was ready to fight for the Hiru, because he saw an injustice. Is he kind when it’s difficult? Does he still do the right thing when everything turns to shit?”
He sold himself to the Merchants for a lifetime contract to keep me from dying. “Yes.”
“Then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Nothing kills it faster than not talking. Trust me, I know. That’s how my marriage died.”
Her face was flat. No emotion. No tremor in her voice. She’d loved Melizard so much, she followed him across the galaxy to an alien planet, where she molded herself into a perfect vampire knight’s spouse. And it ended so badly.
I wanted to hug her, but she sat stiff, her back straight. No weakness.
A screen opened in the wall. The Hiru’s odd features filled it.
“What can I do for you?” I asked.
“The third Archivarian is arriving to the inn in five minutes,” the Hiru said. “Please remove the void field.”
* * *
I reached through the inn with my senses. Sean waited by the back porch.
“Sean,” I whispered. “I need your help.”
I felt him move toward me.
“Oh Sean…” Maud whispered in a sing-song voice, rolling her eyes.
I squinted at her. “Do you want to call Arland or should I?”
“You do it,” she said.
I reached through the inn. Arland was in the kitchen, with Helen. Probably fixing his armor again.
“Lord Marshal,” I said. “Could I please see you in the war room?”
