Only Love
Page 32
“It is,” I went on, feeling protective of him. I shouldn’t say anything more to Grams.
“But it’s not hopeless, Stella. He just needs someone who can make him feel loved unconditionally.”
I smiled ruefully, but a lump popped into my throat. “It’s not that easy, Grams. Ryan is who he is. And he doesn’t want love.” But I knew in my heart, I could love him like that. So easily. I was halfway there already.
“Nonsense. Everybody wants love.”
“Not him. He likes living alone. He’s not going to change for me, and I’d never ask him to. He’s entitled to the life he wants.”
“But Stella—”
I stood up. “Listen, Grams. I’m feeling a little tired, and I need to call Emme and let her know I’m planning to stay a couple more days. I will be glad to invite Ryan to dinner, but I have no idea if he’ll come. And even if he does,” I went on, loudly so she’d be sure to hear it, “it doesn’t mean there’s anything serious or even romantic between us.”
“All right, dear. Whatever you say.”
I left her in the kitchen and took my coffee with me upstairs. In my room, I set the cup on the dresser, shut the door and threw myself facedown on the bed. Why did I feel like crying all of a sudden? What was the matter with me?
Last night I’d been so sure I could remain emotionally detached, but this morning I was a mess. Had I made a mistake saying I’d stay? Was I offering up my heart knowing he’d smash it to pieces? Was I tying myself to the tracks of an oncoming train?
Christ, maybe I’d been right to avoid hot sex all these years. It had me in knots.
I flipped over onto my back and reached for my phone.
Emme picked up right away. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey! How’d it go last night?”
It sounded like she was driving to work. Suddenly I missed the everyday routine of my life and I was almost sorry I’d come. “Good,” I answered, but my tone said there was a but coming.
“What’s wrong?”
I bit my lip. “I like him.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.” My voice wavered. “A lot.”
“What’s a lot?”
“A fucking lot.” I stared at the ceiling and admitted it. “Like I’m falling for him.”
She gasped, then tried to backtrack. “Well, okay. Maybe it’s not the end of the world. How does he feel?”
I closed my eyes. “Not the same.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Pretty sure.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Stell. It hurts, I’ve been there.”
The lump was back in my throat, and all I could do was nod.
“You headed back today? Want to come over tonight?”
“Actually, I think I’m staying a couple more days.”
“Why?”
“Ryan asked me to.”
“What? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought you said he didn’t like you. Why would he ask you to stay?”
I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. “It’s not that he doesn’t like me. He does. We have fun together. He just doesn’t want anything more than fun.”
“And you do?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “I’ve never really been in this position before. I need advice.”
“Okay. I’m going to ask you something, and don’t get mad.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to stay up there? If he’s already made it clear he doesn’t have feelings for you, and you’re sure you’ve got feelings for him, how can this lead to anything but disaster?”
“I don’t know,” I said irritably. “My brain is all jacked up on hormones. That’s why I’m calling you for advice.”
“My advice is to run, Stella. Get out of there with your heart in one piece. I can appreciate the risk you’ve taken, and I applaud you for being brave and getting out of your comfort zone, but I’m worried for you now.”
I didn’t like what she was saying, but how could I argue? I was worried for myself.
“So what are you going to do?” she asked quietly.
“I’m going to think about it. I’m too tired to make the drive right now, anyway, so I’m going to take a nap and then decide.”
“Okay. Let me know.”
“I will. Thanks.”
Setting my phone aside, I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes. What should I do? Grams thought I shouldn’t give up. Emme said to get out now. It was barely after five in the morning out west, or else I might have called Maren to break the tie.
I saw both sides. Grams was right—Ryan needed love and acceptance, no matter what he said. But Emme was right too—he could break my heart if I let him.
And I was fairly certain I’d let him.
My head said run.
But my heart—the stubborn fool—said stay.
In the past, there wouldn’t have been any doubt which part of me I should listen to. Get out of there with your heart in one piece, Emme had said. And if our positions had been reversed, which they had plenty of times in years past, I’d have told her the same.
But somehow I knew that even if I left right this minute, it was too late for my heart to remain whole.
I’d leave a piece of it behind, and I’d always wonder if I gave up on it too soon.
Twenty-Three
Grams
I was feeling pretty sorry for Stella. It was clear she had it bad for Mr. Woods, and in my opinion, he felt the same, but he was being a typical man—stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.
But what did I know?
In my day, a girl wouldn’t have spent the whole night with a fellow until they were married. Why buy the cow and all that. But we also didn’t wait until we were thirty to get hitched. Nobody wanted to be called an old maid. (And nobody wanted to wait that long to have sex, either. At least nobody I knew.)
These days girls seem so focused on so many other things. They say they want love and family, but they don’t prioritize it. Do they think love grows on trees? It doesn’t! So when you find it, you’ve got to be willing to fight for it. Protect it. Give it room to grow.
I don’t know, maybe I’m too old-fashioned. But I had such a wonderful life, so full of love, and I want that for my granddaughters too. There’s nothing like feeling as if the sun rises and sets on you, as far as your fellow is concerned. And in turn, there’s nothing better than doing your best to keep that fellow so starry-eyed and head over heels, he wouldn’t dream of any other life.
I could see it happening with Ryan and Stella, I truly could. They were perfect together, and the sooner they realized that, the better. I thought the pie would do it, but I could see winning this battle was going to take some heavier artillery.
It was time for meatloaf.
Twenty-Four
Ryan
All morning long, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was happening with me. It wasn’t a bad feeling, necessarily, just different. I was more relaxed in my body, more at ease in my mind. There was a sort of calm inside me I wasn’t used to, but there was a fair amount of anticipation too.
That afternoon, I was helping set up for a wedding reception scheduled for tomorrow night in the barn. All I could think of was Stella and I out back last night, and I kept glancing onto the patio and remembering her mouth on me. (Hopefully, no one noticed the erection I was trying to hide.)
The bride and groom came in to check the progress, holding hands and wearing expressions of pure joy, proclaiming their excitement over every little thing. It was kind of disgusting how happy they were, but also kind of nice. I’d let Brie dictate every detail of our wedding, and I couldn’t tell you one thing about it now. I hadn’t given a fuck about the flowers or the attire or the music or the food. I’d asked her what I should wear and what time I should be there and she told me. In no pictures was I smiling.
These two were head over heels. What would that be like, to be so happy, so secure in your love for another person and their love for you? Could it ever last? Could you really trust someone with your deepest dreams and fears and believe they’d never abuse that? It was hard to imagine.
“But it’s not hopeless, Stella. He just needs someone who can make him feel loved unconditionally.”
I smiled ruefully, but a lump popped into my throat. “It’s not that easy, Grams. Ryan is who he is. And he doesn’t want love.” But I knew in my heart, I could love him like that. So easily. I was halfway there already.
“Nonsense. Everybody wants love.”
“Not him. He likes living alone. He’s not going to change for me, and I’d never ask him to. He’s entitled to the life he wants.”
“But Stella—”
I stood up. “Listen, Grams. I’m feeling a little tired, and I need to call Emme and let her know I’m planning to stay a couple more days. I will be glad to invite Ryan to dinner, but I have no idea if he’ll come. And even if he does,” I went on, loudly so she’d be sure to hear it, “it doesn’t mean there’s anything serious or even romantic between us.”
“All right, dear. Whatever you say.”
I left her in the kitchen and took my coffee with me upstairs. In my room, I set the cup on the dresser, shut the door and threw myself facedown on the bed. Why did I feel like crying all of a sudden? What was the matter with me?
Last night I’d been so sure I could remain emotionally detached, but this morning I was a mess. Had I made a mistake saying I’d stay? Was I offering up my heart knowing he’d smash it to pieces? Was I tying myself to the tracks of an oncoming train?
Christ, maybe I’d been right to avoid hot sex all these years. It had me in knots.
I flipped over onto my back and reached for my phone.
Emme picked up right away. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
“Hey! How’d it go last night?”
It sounded like she was driving to work. Suddenly I missed the everyday routine of my life and I was almost sorry I’d come. “Good,” I answered, but my tone said there was a but coming.
“What’s wrong?”
I bit my lip. “I like him.”
“Oh no.”
“Yeah.” My voice wavered. “A lot.”
“What’s a lot?”
“A fucking lot.” I stared at the ceiling and admitted it. “Like I’m falling for him.”
She gasped, then tried to backtrack. “Well, okay. Maybe it’s not the end of the world. How does he feel?”
I closed my eyes. “Not the same.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Pretty sure.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, Stell. It hurts, I’ve been there.”
The lump was back in my throat, and all I could do was nod.
“You headed back today? Want to come over tonight?”
“Actually, I think I’m staying a couple more days.”
“Why?”
“Ryan asked me to.”
“What? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought you said he didn’t like you. Why would he ask you to stay?”
I rolled onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows. “It’s not that he doesn’t like me. He does. We have fun together. He just doesn’t want anything more than fun.”
“And you do?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “I’ve never really been in this position before. I need advice.”
“Okay. I’m going to ask you something, and don’t get mad.”
“Okay.”
“Are you sure it’s a good idea to stay up there? If he’s already made it clear he doesn’t have feelings for you, and you’re sure you’ve got feelings for him, how can this lead to anything but disaster?”
“I don’t know,” I said irritably. “My brain is all jacked up on hormones. That’s why I’m calling you for advice.”
“My advice is to run, Stella. Get out of there with your heart in one piece. I can appreciate the risk you’ve taken, and I applaud you for being brave and getting out of your comfort zone, but I’m worried for you now.”
I didn’t like what she was saying, but how could I argue? I was worried for myself.
“So what are you going to do?” she asked quietly.
“I’m going to think about it. I’m too tired to make the drive right now, anyway, so I’m going to take a nap and then decide.”
“Okay. Let me know.”
“I will. Thanks.”
Setting my phone aside, I curled up in a ball and closed my eyes. What should I do? Grams thought I shouldn’t give up. Emme said to get out now. It was barely after five in the morning out west, or else I might have called Maren to break the tie.
I saw both sides. Grams was right—Ryan needed love and acceptance, no matter what he said. But Emme was right too—he could break my heart if I let him.
And I was fairly certain I’d let him.
My head said run.
But my heart—the stubborn fool—said stay.
In the past, there wouldn’t have been any doubt which part of me I should listen to. Get out of there with your heart in one piece, Emme had said. And if our positions had been reversed, which they had plenty of times in years past, I’d have told her the same.
But somehow I knew that even if I left right this minute, it was too late for my heart to remain whole.
I’d leave a piece of it behind, and I’d always wonder if I gave up on it too soon.
Twenty-Three
Grams
I was feeling pretty sorry for Stella. It was clear she had it bad for Mr. Woods, and in my opinion, he felt the same, but he was being a typical man—stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.
But what did I know?
In my day, a girl wouldn’t have spent the whole night with a fellow until they were married. Why buy the cow and all that. But we also didn’t wait until we were thirty to get hitched. Nobody wanted to be called an old maid. (And nobody wanted to wait that long to have sex, either. At least nobody I knew.)
These days girls seem so focused on so many other things. They say they want love and family, but they don’t prioritize it. Do they think love grows on trees? It doesn’t! So when you find it, you’ve got to be willing to fight for it. Protect it. Give it room to grow.
I don’t know, maybe I’m too old-fashioned. But I had such a wonderful life, so full of love, and I want that for my granddaughters too. There’s nothing like feeling as if the sun rises and sets on you, as far as your fellow is concerned. And in turn, there’s nothing better than doing your best to keep that fellow so starry-eyed and head over heels, he wouldn’t dream of any other life.
I could see it happening with Ryan and Stella, I truly could. They were perfect together, and the sooner they realized that, the better. I thought the pie would do it, but I could see winning this battle was going to take some heavier artillery.
It was time for meatloaf.
Twenty-Four
Ryan
All morning long, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was happening with me. It wasn’t a bad feeling, necessarily, just different. I was more relaxed in my body, more at ease in my mind. There was a sort of calm inside me I wasn’t used to, but there was a fair amount of anticipation too.
That afternoon, I was helping set up for a wedding reception scheduled for tomorrow night in the barn. All I could think of was Stella and I out back last night, and I kept glancing onto the patio and remembering her mouth on me. (Hopefully, no one noticed the erection I was trying to hide.)
The bride and groom came in to check the progress, holding hands and wearing expressions of pure joy, proclaiming their excitement over every little thing. It was kind of disgusting how happy they were, but also kind of nice. I’d let Brie dictate every detail of our wedding, and I couldn’t tell you one thing about it now. I hadn’t given a fuck about the flowers or the attire or the music or the food. I’d asked her what I should wear and what time I should be there and she told me. In no pictures was I smiling.
These two were head over heels. What would that be like, to be so happy, so secure in your love for another person and their love for you? Could it ever last? Could you really trust someone with your deepest dreams and fears and believe they’d never abuse that? It was hard to imagine.
