Only Love
Page 42
But I could’ve sworn I saw Ryan at the bar. Something came over me, and I marched right toward him. “Ryan?”
He turned and looked at me. Said nothing.
“This is a surprise,” I said, crossing my arms. “I thought you had to work.”
“I did.”
I looked over his shoulder at their beers. “Really?”
“This is Mack. We work together at Cloverleigh.”
Mack nodded, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. “Uh. Hi.”
“Hi,” I said stiffly before looking at Ryan again. “You didn’t get my text?”
“I got it.”
“But you chose to ignore it?”
He rose reluctantly to his feet. “Stella, we need to talk.”
“About what?”
He didn’t answer, the coward. But he didn’t have to. I knew what this was. I was being dumped—again.
“Maybe I should take off,” Mack said uneasily.
“No, don’t bother.” I held up one hand. “It’s me that should leave. In fact, I should have left yesterday like I was supposed to. This was all a huge mistake.”
I turned around and bolted for the door, throwing it open and running out into the rain.
“Stella, wait!” Ryan was at my side in a heartbeat, grabbing onto my arm.
“Let go of me, Ryan.” I shook him off.
“Come back inside. You’re getting wet.”
“What do you care?”
“Stella, come on.” Rain soaked us both, running down our faces, dripping from our hair.
“Why should I go in there with you? All you do is lie to me.”
“I never lied to you!” he yelled with more force than I’d anticipated.
“Yes, you did!” I yelled back. “If you’d meant what you said last night, you wouldn’t be blowing me off today.”
He struggled to come up with a reply. “It’s more complicated than that.”
I laughed harshly, although tears were mingling with the rain on my cheeks. “No, actually. It isn’t. You’re either in love with me or you’re not. Which is it?”
His hands clenched into fists. His face was etched with pain, his eyes full of sorrow. His chest rose and fell with quick, heavy breaths that matched my own. He opened his mouth to speak.
Then he closed it and looked away.
He does care, I told myself. This wouldn’t be such torture for him if he didn’t.
“Look at me, Ryan.” I softened my voice. “Please.”
His eyes met mine once more, but this time, I saw nothing in them. No pain, no love, no human emotion whatsoever. It was almost frightening.
“I know this is hard for you,” I told him. “I know it’s sudden, and I know that it’s nothing either one of us planned on. But I’m in love with you, and I want to give this a chance. Don’t you?”
“I can’t,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Damn you!” I said, losing my composure and beating on his chest. “I trusted you. I told you I was scared, and you let me believe I was safe. You promised me you would try!”
“I never promised anything, Stella!” But he made no effort to stop me from hitting him.
“Ryan, please.” I stopped the pounding, and placed my palms on his chest. “Can you honestly say that you don’t feel something for me?”
He grabbed me hard by the wrists.
“I don’t feel anything anymore,” he said coldly. “I told you that from the start.”
He let me go, and took off into the restaurant again. I stood there sobbing into my hands for a moment, and then I heard Emme’s voice.
“Stella!” She rushed over to me and put an arm over my shoulders, steering me toward the car. “Come on, honey, let’s go home.”
I let her lead me to the car, open the door, and gently nudge me in. I didn’t feel the rain, or the motion of the car, or even Emme’s hand clasping mine.
All I felt was my newly whole heart being torn into pieces.
How could this have happened?
“What did he say?” Emme asked.
“He said he doesn’t feel anything for me,” I wept.
“I don’t get it.” Emme pounded the steering wheel. “He does feel something. I can see it. Even his friend Mack sees it.”
“What?”
“While you guys were outside, I introduced myself to Mack and we talked for a couple minutes. I asked him point blank if Ryan was a dickhead, and he said no, but—”
“Jesus, Emme.”
“Let me finish! He said no, but that he was having a really bad day because one of the guys from their squad committed suicide Wednesday night.”
I gasped. “Oh, no.”
“Yeah.”
“God, I wish he’d have said something. Now I’m the dickhead.” I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.
“You’re not, Stella. He also said that, in his opinion, Ryan does have feelings for you. He said he’d never seen him act this way over a woman before.”
“He volunteered that information?” I asked suspiciously.
“Um, I may have asked him some very specific questions.”
“Oh, God.” I tipped my head against the passenger window. “I just want to go home and forget this ever happened.”
“But what if—”
I picked up my head. “No! No what ifs! I’ll go crazy, Emme. I asked him right to his face if he felt anything and he said no.”
“But what if he only said that because he’s just too jacked up with emotions right now?” Emme pressed. “What if he’s just scared?”
“He’s not scared of anything,” I said. “And it doesn’t matter what he really feels. He walked away. I have to let him go.”
I went right upstairs when we got home, leaving Emme to explain to Grams that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be disturbed. Grams wasn’t an idiot and would probably guess what was going on, but I couldn’t worry about that. And maybe she’d be asleep anyway. It was almost ten o’clock.
Inside my bedroom, I threw myself facedown on the bed and sobbed into my pillow. I felt sad and stupid and sorry and hurt and confused. I wanted to know why he’d led me on like that—if he just wanted the sex, he could have said so.
And despite what I’d said to Emme, it did matter to me what his real feelings were. I wanted to know if he’d been lying to me last night, or lying to me tonight. I knew how easily he could switch his feelings on and off—I’d seen it with my own eyes—but what was really in his heart?
I curled into a ball, hugging my stomach as I cried.
Emme came in a little later, quietly shutting the door behind her. By that point, I was pretty much cried out.
“Can you hand me a tissue?” I asked.
“Of course, dear.”
I sat up to see Grams, not my sister, reach over to the tissue box on the nightstand and pluck one out for me. “Oh! I thought you were Emme.”
“I asked Emme if I might come up and chat with you a bit.” Grams handed me the tissue. “She went to bed.”
“Thanks.” I blew my nose and reached for another tissue. Grams stood patiently at the side of the bed, dressed in her nightgown and robe. Her slippers peeked out from beneath the hem, and she had her hair in pin curls, wrapped in a giant hairnet. My sisters and I had always laughed at Grams in her nightclothes and hairnet. Even now, I couldn’t help smiling a little.
“I know you’re laughing at me,” Grams said with her nose in the air, “but I don’t mind, as long as it puts a smile on your face.”
“Want to sit down?”
“Thank you, dear.” She lowered herself to the edge of the bed. “I hope you don’t mind, but Emme filled me in a little.”
I shrugged.
“I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to—I mean, the way you wanted them to.”
“Me too.”
“Can’t say we didn’t try, right?”
“Right.”
He turned and looked at me. Said nothing.
“This is a surprise,” I said, crossing my arms. “I thought you had to work.”
“I did.”
I looked over his shoulder at their beers. “Really?”
“This is Mack. We work together at Cloverleigh.”
Mack nodded, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but here. “Uh. Hi.”
“Hi,” I said stiffly before looking at Ryan again. “You didn’t get my text?”
“I got it.”
“But you chose to ignore it?”
He rose reluctantly to his feet. “Stella, we need to talk.”
“About what?”
He didn’t answer, the coward. But he didn’t have to. I knew what this was. I was being dumped—again.
“Maybe I should take off,” Mack said uneasily.
“No, don’t bother.” I held up one hand. “It’s me that should leave. In fact, I should have left yesterday like I was supposed to. This was all a huge mistake.”
I turned around and bolted for the door, throwing it open and running out into the rain.
“Stella, wait!” Ryan was at my side in a heartbeat, grabbing onto my arm.
“Let go of me, Ryan.” I shook him off.
“Come back inside. You’re getting wet.”
“What do you care?”
“Stella, come on.” Rain soaked us both, running down our faces, dripping from our hair.
“Why should I go in there with you? All you do is lie to me.”
“I never lied to you!” he yelled with more force than I’d anticipated.
“Yes, you did!” I yelled back. “If you’d meant what you said last night, you wouldn’t be blowing me off today.”
He struggled to come up with a reply. “It’s more complicated than that.”
I laughed harshly, although tears were mingling with the rain on my cheeks. “No, actually. It isn’t. You’re either in love with me or you’re not. Which is it?”
His hands clenched into fists. His face was etched with pain, his eyes full of sorrow. His chest rose and fell with quick, heavy breaths that matched my own. He opened his mouth to speak.
Then he closed it and looked away.
He does care, I told myself. This wouldn’t be such torture for him if he didn’t.
“Look at me, Ryan.” I softened my voice. “Please.”
His eyes met mine once more, but this time, I saw nothing in them. No pain, no love, no human emotion whatsoever. It was almost frightening.
“I know this is hard for you,” I told him. “I know it’s sudden, and I know that it’s nothing either one of us planned on. But I’m in love with you, and I want to give this a chance. Don’t you?”
“I can’t,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Damn you!” I said, losing my composure and beating on his chest. “I trusted you. I told you I was scared, and you let me believe I was safe. You promised me you would try!”
“I never promised anything, Stella!” But he made no effort to stop me from hitting him.
“Ryan, please.” I stopped the pounding, and placed my palms on his chest. “Can you honestly say that you don’t feel something for me?”
He grabbed me hard by the wrists.
“I don’t feel anything anymore,” he said coldly. “I told you that from the start.”
He let me go, and took off into the restaurant again. I stood there sobbing into my hands for a moment, and then I heard Emme’s voice.
“Stella!” She rushed over to me and put an arm over my shoulders, steering me toward the car. “Come on, honey, let’s go home.”
I let her lead me to the car, open the door, and gently nudge me in. I didn’t feel the rain, or the motion of the car, or even Emme’s hand clasping mine.
All I felt was my newly whole heart being torn into pieces.
How could this have happened?
“What did he say?” Emme asked.
“He said he doesn’t feel anything for me,” I wept.
“I don’t get it.” Emme pounded the steering wheel. “He does feel something. I can see it. Even his friend Mack sees it.”
“What?”
“While you guys were outside, I introduced myself to Mack and we talked for a couple minutes. I asked him point blank if Ryan was a dickhead, and he said no, but—”
“Jesus, Emme.”
“Let me finish! He said no, but that he was having a really bad day because one of the guys from their squad committed suicide Wednesday night.”
I gasped. “Oh, no.”
“Yeah.”
“God, I wish he’d have said something. Now I’m the dickhead.” I wiped my nose on the back of my hand.
“You’re not, Stella. He also said that, in his opinion, Ryan does have feelings for you. He said he’d never seen him act this way over a woman before.”
“He volunteered that information?” I asked suspiciously.
“Um, I may have asked him some very specific questions.”
“Oh, God.” I tipped my head against the passenger window. “I just want to go home and forget this ever happened.”
“But what if—”
I picked up my head. “No! No what ifs! I’ll go crazy, Emme. I asked him right to his face if he felt anything and he said no.”
“But what if he only said that because he’s just too jacked up with emotions right now?” Emme pressed. “What if he’s just scared?”
“He’s not scared of anything,” I said. “And it doesn’t matter what he really feels. He walked away. I have to let him go.”
I went right upstairs when we got home, leaving Emme to explain to Grams that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to be disturbed. Grams wasn’t an idiot and would probably guess what was going on, but I couldn’t worry about that. And maybe she’d be asleep anyway. It was almost ten o’clock.
Inside my bedroom, I threw myself facedown on the bed and sobbed into my pillow. I felt sad and stupid and sorry and hurt and confused. I wanted to know why he’d led me on like that—if he just wanted the sex, he could have said so.
And despite what I’d said to Emme, it did matter to me what his real feelings were. I wanted to know if he’d been lying to me last night, or lying to me tonight. I knew how easily he could switch his feelings on and off—I’d seen it with my own eyes—but what was really in his heart?
I curled into a ball, hugging my stomach as I cried.
Emme came in a little later, quietly shutting the door behind her. By that point, I was pretty much cried out.
“Can you hand me a tissue?” I asked.
“Of course, dear.”
I sat up to see Grams, not my sister, reach over to the tissue box on the nightstand and pluck one out for me. “Oh! I thought you were Emme.”
“I asked Emme if I might come up and chat with you a bit.” Grams handed me the tissue. “She went to bed.”
“Thanks.” I blew my nose and reached for another tissue. Grams stood patiently at the side of the bed, dressed in her nightgown and robe. Her slippers peeked out from beneath the hem, and she had her hair in pin curls, wrapped in a giant hairnet. My sisters and I had always laughed at Grams in her nightclothes and hairnet. Even now, I couldn’t help smiling a little.
“I know you’re laughing at me,” Grams said with her nose in the air, “but I don’t mind, as long as it puts a smile on your face.”
“Want to sit down?”
“Thank you, dear.” She lowered herself to the edge of the bed. “I hope you don’t mind, but Emme filled me in a little.”
I shrugged.
“I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to—I mean, the way you wanted them to.”
“Me too.”
“Can’t say we didn’t try, right?”
“Right.”
