Only Mine
Page 25
Even so, she was determined to enjoy what she had while it lasted.
AURELIA KNEW there was a problem when three more days passed and she hadn’t heard from her mother. Normally they didn’t go an entire day without speaking at least twice. While she knew she had to learn to stand on her own, there was no reason she also had to lose contact with the only relative she had. After work the following Friday, she went by her mother’s house.
Her mother answered the door right away.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Are you here to see me?” her mother asked, feigning surprise.
“Yes. We haven’t spoken in a few days. I wanted to check on you.”
“I can’t imagine why. You’ve made it clear that you care nothing about me. I could drop dead in the street and you would simply step over me.”
Aurelia told herself to be patient. She had established new boundaries that her mother didn’t like, and they were going to be tested. If she respected herself, her mother would learn to respect her, as well.
Instead of getting angry or frustrated, she smiled. “You have such a way with words. You always create the most amazing visuals. I wish I’d inherited that ability from you.” With that, she slipped past her mother and entered the house.
“Have you made tea yet?” she asked as she made her way to the kitchen. Her mother always made tea after work, unless she was going out with friends.
There was no kettle on the stove, which meant her mother was going out that evening. Good. Conversation couldn’t drag on for hours.
Her mother followed her, then came to a stop in the middle of the kitchen. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest and her mouth was pinched.
“Did you come here to mock my poverty?”
Aurelia raised her eyebrows. “There you go again. Mom, have you ever thought of writing fiction? You’d be so good at it. Maybe short stories, you know, for those women’s magazines?”
“I don’t appreciate you making fun of me.”
“I’m not,” Aurelia said gently. “I wanted to check on you and make sure everything was all right. I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable calling me. I hope that will change.”
“It will change when you stop acting so selfishly. Until then, I want nothing to do with you.”
There it was. The gauntlet. In the past, Aurelia had always given in. The thought of being abandoned by her mother had crushed the little spirit she had left. But today was different. Sure, she felt like throwing up, but that would pass. She meant what she’d said before. She was happy to help in an emergency, but she was done being a financial and emotional convenience.
She’d had plenty of time to think about her actions. Stephen had respected her wishes. She hadn’t heard from him once. Why did her mother find it so easy to ignore her while Stephen found it so easy to do exactly what she asked? A dilemma for another time, she told herself.
“I hope you have fun tonight with your friends,” she said quietly. “It was nice to see you, Mom.” She turned to leave.
Her mother caught up with her in the hallway. “You’re leaving? Just like that?”
“You said you didn’t want to have anything to do with me unless I went back to the way I was. I can’t do that. I’m sorry if you think that makes me selfish. I don’t think it does.”
“I’m your mother. I should come first in your life.”
Aurelia shook her head. “No, Mom. I need to come first in my own life. I need to take care of myself.”
Her mother put her hands on her hips. “I see. Selfish to the end. I know what you’re saying to yourself. When in doubt, blame the mother. I suppose this is all my fault.”
“I didn’t say that and I’m not thinking that. But if you’re first in your life and you’re first in my life, where does that leave me?”
She didn’t expect an answer, but she waited for a few seconds anyway. It seemed polite. Her mother opened her mouth and closed it.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” Aurelia said, then left.
On the walk home, she replayed the conversation in her head. For once, she was happy with what she’d said. She might not be where she needed to be, but she was making progress.
She found herself wanting to call Stephen and tell him what had happened. Only she couldn’t. They were seeing each other on the show and nowhere else. She knew she’d made the right decision, but that didn’t make the loneliness any easier to bear.
DAKOTA WRAPPED the towel around Hannah. Her daughter was warm and rosy after her bath. Denise stood at the end of the changing table and gently tickled her granddaughter’s toes.
“Who’s a beautiful baby girl?” Denise asked in a singsong voice. “Who’s special?”
Hannah waved her fingers in the air and laughed.
“She’s feeling much better,” Dakota said. Knowing her daughter was healing was such a relief. Getting used to dealing with a baby was hard enough, but when that baby was sick, it was a nightmare.
She and Hannah had been together nearly a week now. They’d established something of a routine. The follow-up visit to the pediatrician had been much better than that first encounter. The doctor had said Hannah was doing well. Her weight was up, and her ears were clear. Hannah had to finish the course of antibiotics and there was still teething to get through, but all that was doable.
“She’s eating well,” Denise said. “I can tell she’s feeling better. Do you have her on the new formula?”
“Yes. We were lucky. Her tummy handled the change well. The doctor said to start her on solid food in another week, which is a whole week sooner than we expected. That will help her gain more weight and catch up with her age group.”
She finished drying the little girl, then put a new diaper on her and slipped her into her pajamas. By then, her daughter was half asleep. Her eyes sunk closed and her body relaxed.
“Go ahead,” she told her mother. “You put her to bed.”
Denise smiled at her. “Thanks,” she whispered, and picked up the baby.
Hannah snuggled close. Denise crossed the room and settled the little girl on her back in the crib. After starting the mobile, they dimmed the lights and stepped out of the room.
“I’m so lucky with her,” Dakota said, as she adjusted the volume on the baby monitor. “Hannah enjoys being with people. I’ve heard that some of the children from orphanages are cautious around anyone new. In this town, that would be a problem.”
They settled on the sofa. Her mother looked at her.
“You’re doing well,” her mother told her. “I know you’re terrified half the time, but it doesn’t show. Soon you’ll be terrified only a quarter of the time, which is something to look forward to.”
“Thanks,” Dakota said. “You’re right. I am scared. It’s getting a little better. Knowing that she’s healing helps a lot. As does all the company. Ethan and Liz stopped by a couple of days ago and I’m getting lots of visits at work.” She smiled at her mother. “You’re helping a lot, too.”
“I love having her here. Finally a grandchild who lives close to me. You’ll have to tell me if I become one of those annoying, interfering grandparents. I’m not saying I’ll change my behavior, but I will at least feel guilty about it.”
Dakota laughed. “As long as you feel guilty, then I guess it’s okay.”
“So you’re handling the stress? You’re sleeping?” her mother asked.
“Better than I was.” Finn had stayed with her the first couple of nights. Just having him around had made everything better. But she’d realized that at some point she had to face motherhood on her own. She hadn’t slept at all the first night he’d been gone, but since then she’d been sleeping more and more.
“Sometimes I freak out for no reason,” she admitted. “Does that get better?”
“Yes and no,” her mother said. “You freak out less and then they become teenagers. That’s when the real nightmare begins.” Denise smiled brightly. “But that’s some time away. Enjoy Hannah while she’s still young and rational.”
“We weren’t that bad,” Dakota told her.
“You didn’t have to be that bad. There were six of you.”
“I guess you have a point there.”
Her mother studied her. “At the risk of interfering, how are things going with Finn? I haven’t seen him around. Or is he here when I’m not?”
“Finn has been a great help with Hannah,” Dakota admitted. “Which has been wonderful. But romantically…”
It was difficult to explain the relationship, mostly because she didn’t understand it herself.
“He’s a great guy, but we want different things. We were having fun together, only it started to get complicated. He’s here about his brothers and…” She shrugged. “I don’t actually have an answer to that question.”
“I got that,” her mother said. “I’d wondered if it was getting serious with him.”
“It wasn’t,” Dakota assured her, then wondered if she was lying.
She thought about Finn a lot and missed him. She knew he was working at the airport and told herself that was why he hadn’t been around. There were plenty of tourists to keep him busy. And Raoul had mentioned he’d had another meeting with Finn about starting a nonprofit program.
“I see.” Her mother studied her. “None of my girls are married. Sometimes I think it’s my fault.”
“As much as I would love to put all this on you,” Dakota told her, “I don’t think I can. I’ve never been in love. I’ve always wanted to be, I always thought I would be. There were guys in college who were great but I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with them. Maybe it’s me.”
“It’s not you. You have a warm and giving heart. You’re completely adorable. I think the men in this town are stupid.”
Dakota laughed, then leaned close and hugged her mother. “Thank you for your unwavering support. As for the men in this town, I don’t have an answer for that, either.”
“And you’re sure about Finn?”
“He’s looking for less responsibility, not more. Once he gets his brothers settled, however that works out, he’s going back to his regular life. Even if I’d been tempted before, having Hannah changes everything.”
Dakota was very aware of the fact that having a baby, being a single mother, was only going to make the man thing more difficult. But they were two different animals—she didn’t want to give up one kind of love for another.
“I want what you had,” she told her mother. “I want a great love. A love that will sustain me for the rest of my life.”
“Is that what you think?” her mother asked. “That we only get one great love?”
“Do you think differently?”
“Your father was a wonderful man and I loved him very much. But I don’t believe there is only one man for each of us. Love is all around us. Maybe I’m foolish and too old to be thinking that, but I would like to be in love again.”
Dakota did her best to keep from showing her shock. Dating was one thing, but falling in love? She’d always assumed there wouldn’t be anyone for her mother but her father.
Now, looking at Denise, she saw her for what she was. An attractive, vital woman. There were probably a lot of men who would be interested in her.
“Do you have anyone in mind?” she asked.
“No, but I’m open to the possibility. Does that bother you?”
“It makes me envy you,” Dakota admitted. “You’re willing to take a chance again.”
“You’ve taken a chance on that little girl. The right man will come along. You’ll see.”
“I hope so.”
She wanted to fall in love, too. The problem was, thinking about being in love made her think about Finn. Was she truly interested in him? Or was it just easier to distract herself by wanting the one man she couldn’t have?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
DAKOTA SAT ON THE FLOOR with her daughter. They were on a blanket, in the middle of her living room. There were several age-appropriate toys scattered around. Dakota had a large picture book in her hand and was slowly reading the story to Hannah.
“Lonely bunny was happy to have found a friend.” She pointed to the drawing on the page. “See the bunny? He’s not lonely anymore. He has a friend now.” She pointed to the fluffy white kitten, nose to nose with the formerly lonely bunny.
“See the kitten?” She pointed to the kitten. “He’s white.”
From all that she had read, Hannah needed plenty of verbal and visual stimulation. Hannah seemed interested in the story. She would look where Dakota pointed, and the bright colors of the picture book kept her attention. Dakota was about to turn the page when someone knocked on her front door.
She stood and collected Hannah. She felt her breath catch in her chest as she saw Finn standing on her small front porch.
He looked as sexy as ever, especially when he gave her a slow grin that made her thighs heat. “Hey. I should have called first, shouldn’t I? Sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of flying and this was my first break. How are you?”
“Good. Come on in.”
He stepped into the house, then reached for Hannah. “How’s my best girl?” he asked.
The baby reached toward him. He pulled her against his chest, and she settled in as if she, too, had been missing him.
AURELIA KNEW there was a problem when three more days passed and she hadn’t heard from her mother. Normally they didn’t go an entire day without speaking at least twice. While she knew she had to learn to stand on her own, there was no reason she also had to lose contact with the only relative she had. After work the following Friday, she went by her mother’s house.
Her mother answered the door right away.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Are you here to see me?” her mother asked, feigning surprise.
“Yes. We haven’t spoken in a few days. I wanted to check on you.”
“I can’t imagine why. You’ve made it clear that you care nothing about me. I could drop dead in the street and you would simply step over me.”
Aurelia told herself to be patient. She had established new boundaries that her mother didn’t like, and they were going to be tested. If she respected herself, her mother would learn to respect her, as well.
Instead of getting angry or frustrated, she smiled. “You have such a way with words. You always create the most amazing visuals. I wish I’d inherited that ability from you.” With that, she slipped past her mother and entered the house.
“Have you made tea yet?” she asked as she made her way to the kitchen. Her mother always made tea after work, unless she was going out with friends.
There was no kettle on the stove, which meant her mother was going out that evening. Good. Conversation couldn’t drag on for hours.
Her mother followed her, then came to a stop in the middle of the kitchen. Her arms were folded tightly across her chest and her mouth was pinched.
“Did you come here to mock my poverty?”
Aurelia raised her eyebrows. “There you go again. Mom, have you ever thought of writing fiction? You’d be so good at it. Maybe short stories, you know, for those women’s magazines?”
“I don’t appreciate you making fun of me.”
“I’m not,” Aurelia said gently. “I wanted to check on you and make sure everything was all right. I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable calling me. I hope that will change.”
“It will change when you stop acting so selfishly. Until then, I want nothing to do with you.”
There it was. The gauntlet. In the past, Aurelia had always given in. The thought of being abandoned by her mother had crushed the little spirit she had left. But today was different. Sure, she felt like throwing up, but that would pass. She meant what she’d said before. She was happy to help in an emergency, but she was done being a financial and emotional convenience.
She’d had plenty of time to think about her actions. Stephen had respected her wishes. She hadn’t heard from him once. Why did her mother find it so easy to ignore her while Stephen found it so easy to do exactly what she asked? A dilemma for another time, she told herself.
“I hope you have fun tonight with your friends,” she said quietly. “It was nice to see you, Mom.” She turned to leave.
Her mother caught up with her in the hallway. “You’re leaving? Just like that?”
“You said you didn’t want to have anything to do with me unless I went back to the way I was. I can’t do that. I’m sorry if you think that makes me selfish. I don’t think it does.”
“I’m your mother. I should come first in your life.”
Aurelia shook her head. “No, Mom. I need to come first in my own life. I need to take care of myself.”
Her mother put her hands on her hips. “I see. Selfish to the end. I know what you’re saying to yourself. When in doubt, blame the mother. I suppose this is all my fault.”
“I didn’t say that and I’m not thinking that. But if you’re first in your life and you’re first in my life, where does that leave me?”
She didn’t expect an answer, but she waited for a few seconds anyway. It seemed polite. Her mother opened her mouth and closed it.
“I’ll talk to you soon,” Aurelia said, then left.
On the walk home, she replayed the conversation in her head. For once, she was happy with what she’d said. She might not be where she needed to be, but she was making progress.
She found herself wanting to call Stephen and tell him what had happened. Only she couldn’t. They were seeing each other on the show and nowhere else. She knew she’d made the right decision, but that didn’t make the loneliness any easier to bear.
DAKOTA WRAPPED the towel around Hannah. Her daughter was warm and rosy after her bath. Denise stood at the end of the changing table and gently tickled her granddaughter’s toes.
“Who’s a beautiful baby girl?” Denise asked in a singsong voice. “Who’s special?”
Hannah waved her fingers in the air and laughed.
“She’s feeling much better,” Dakota said. Knowing her daughter was healing was such a relief. Getting used to dealing with a baby was hard enough, but when that baby was sick, it was a nightmare.
She and Hannah had been together nearly a week now. They’d established something of a routine. The follow-up visit to the pediatrician had been much better than that first encounter. The doctor had said Hannah was doing well. Her weight was up, and her ears were clear. Hannah had to finish the course of antibiotics and there was still teething to get through, but all that was doable.
“She’s eating well,” Denise said. “I can tell she’s feeling better. Do you have her on the new formula?”
“Yes. We were lucky. Her tummy handled the change well. The doctor said to start her on solid food in another week, which is a whole week sooner than we expected. That will help her gain more weight and catch up with her age group.”
She finished drying the little girl, then put a new diaper on her and slipped her into her pajamas. By then, her daughter was half asleep. Her eyes sunk closed and her body relaxed.
“Go ahead,” she told her mother. “You put her to bed.”
Denise smiled at her. “Thanks,” she whispered, and picked up the baby.
Hannah snuggled close. Denise crossed the room and settled the little girl on her back in the crib. After starting the mobile, they dimmed the lights and stepped out of the room.
“I’m so lucky with her,” Dakota said, as she adjusted the volume on the baby monitor. “Hannah enjoys being with people. I’ve heard that some of the children from orphanages are cautious around anyone new. In this town, that would be a problem.”
They settled on the sofa. Her mother looked at her.
“You’re doing well,” her mother told her. “I know you’re terrified half the time, but it doesn’t show. Soon you’ll be terrified only a quarter of the time, which is something to look forward to.”
“Thanks,” Dakota said. “You’re right. I am scared. It’s getting a little better. Knowing that she’s healing helps a lot. As does all the company. Ethan and Liz stopped by a couple of days ago and I’m getting lots of visits at work.” She smiled at her mother. “You’re helping a lot, too.”
“I love having her here. Finally a grandchild who lives close to me. You’ll have to tell me if I become one of those annoying, interfering grandparents. I’m not saying I’ll change my behavior, but I will at least feel guilty about it.”
Dakota laughed. “As long as you feel guilty, then I guess it’s okay.”
“So you’re handling the stress? You’re sleeping?” her mother asked.
“Better than I was.” Finn had stayed with her the first couple of nights. Just having him around had made everything better. But she’d realized that at some point she had to face motherhood on her own. She hadn’t slept at all the first night he’d been gone, but since then she’d been sleeping more and more.
“Sometimes I freak out for no reason,” she admitted. “Does that get better?”
“Yes and no,” her mother said. “You freak out less and then they become teenagers. That’s when the real nightmare begins.” Denise smiled brightly. “But that’s some time away. Enjoy Hannah while she’s still young and rational.”
“We weren’t that bad,” Dakota told her.
“You didn’t have to be that bad. There were six of you.”
“I guess you have a point there.”
Her mother studied her. “At the risk of interfering, how are things going with Finn? I haven’t seen him around. Or is he here when I’m not?”
“Finn has been a great help with Hannah,” Dakota admitted. “Which has been wonderful. But romantically…”
It was difficult to explain the relationship, mostly because she didn’t understand it herself.
“He’s a great guy, but we want different things. We were having fun together, only it started to get complicated. He’s here about his brothers and…” She shrugged. “I don’t actually have an answer to that question.”
“I got that,” her mother said. “I’d wondered if it was getting serious with him.”
“It wasn’t,” Dakota assured her, then wondered if she was lying.
She thought about Finn a lot and missed him. She knew he was working at the airport and told herself that was why he hadn’t been around. There were plenty of tourists to keep him busy. And Raoul had mentioned he’d had another meeting with Finn about starting a nonprofit program.
“I see.” Her mother studied her. “None of my girls are married. Sometimes I think it’s my fault.”
“As much as I would love to put all this on you,” Dakota told her, “I don’t think I can. I’ve never been in love. I’ve always wanted to be, I always thought I would be. There were guys in college who were great but I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with them. Maybe it’s me.”
“It’s not you. You have a warm and giving heart. You’re completely adorable. I think the men in this town are stupid.”
Dakota laughed, then leaned close and hugged her mother. “Thank you for your unwavering support. As for the men in this town, I don’t have an answer for that, either.”
“And you’re sure about Finn?”
“He’s looking for less responsibility, not more. Once he gets his brothers settled, however that works out, he’s going back to his regular life. Even if I’d been tempted before, having Hannah changes everything.”
Dakota was very aware of the fact that having a baby, being a single mother, was only going to make the man thing more difficult. But they were two different animals—she didn’t want to give up one kind of love for another.
“I want what you had,” she told her mother. “I want a great love. A love that will sustain me for the rest of my life.”
“Is that what you think?” her mother asked. “That we only get one great love?”
“Do you think differently?”
“Your father was a wonderful man and I loved him very much. But I don’t believe there is only one man for each of us. Love is all around us. Maybe I’m foolish and too old to be thinking that, but I would like to be in love again.”
Dakota did her best to keep from showing her shock. Dating was one thing, but falling in love? She’d always assumed there wouldn’t be anyone for her mother but her father.
Now, looking at Denise, she saw her for what she was. An attractive, vital woman. There were probably a lot of men who would be interested in her.
“Do you have anyone in mind?” she asked.
“No, but I’m open to the possibility. Does that bother you?”
“It makes me envy you,” Dakota admitted. “You’re willing to take a chance again.”
“You’ve taken a chance on that little girl. The right man will come along. You’ll see.”
“I hope so.”
She wanted to fall in love, too. The problem was, thinking about being in love made her think about Finn. Was she truly interested in him? Or was it just easier to distract herself by wanting the one man she couldn’t have?
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
DAKOTA SAT ON THE FLOOR with her daughter. They were on a blanket, in the middle of her living room. There were several age-appropriate toys scattered around. Dakota had a large picture book in her hand and was slowly reading the story to Hannah.
“Lonely bunny was happy to have found a friend.” She pointed to the drawing on the page. “See the bunny? He’s not lonely anymore. He has a friend now.” She pointed to the fluffy white kitten, nose to nose with the formerly lonely bunny.
“See the kitten?” She pointed to the kitten. “He’s white.”
From all that she had read, Hannah needed plenty of verbal and visual stimulation. Hannah seemed interested in the story. She would look where Dakota pointed, and the bright colors of the picture book kept her attention. Dakota was about to turn the page when someone knocked on her front door.
She stood and collected Hannah. She felt her breath catch in her chest as she saw Finn standing on her small front porch.
He looked as sexy as ever, especially when he gave her a slow grin that made her thighs heat. “Hey. I should have called first, shouldn’t I? Sorry. I’ve been doing a lot of flying and this was my first break. How are you?”
“Good. Come on in.”
He stepped into the house, then reached for Hannah. “How’s my best girl?” he asked.
The baby reached toward him. He pulled her against his chest, and she settled in as if she, too, had been missing him.
