Only You
Page 20
“You should tell him that.”
She sat up taller. “It’s very good for the environment, you know.”
“I do know. Because he’s told me multiple times.”
“Bzzz,” agreed Maren.
“Be nice,” said Stella. “He’s a good guy, smart and successful, and he treats me well. At this point in my life, I’ll take it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Stella, you’re thirty-two, not eighty.”
“Still.”
I could tell she was getting testy. “Okay, okay. Sorry. Did either of you guys go out last night?”
“Not me,” said Maren.
“Walter and I went to dinner and saw a film down at the DIA, then came back to my house.”
“Did he finally sting you?” I couldn’t resist, even though I knew the answer. Stella and Buzz did not have sex. This made my sister and her relationship even more baffling to Maren and me. If you were going to date a boring guy, wouldn’t you at least want him to have a big dick or something?
She sighed and set down her cup, staring into it. “No, he didn’t. I told you, it’s not like that with us.”
“I still don’t get that,” said Maren before I could. “What’s the point of having a boyfriend if you don’t have sex? Are you even attracted to him?”
“Yes, but our attraction is based more on mutual respect and admiration than on physical chemistry. We have a lot in common and enjoy spending time together. That’s enough for me right now. Not every relationship needs sex to feel complete.”
“Okay, as long as you are happy, we’re happy for you.” I wanted to cut her off before she went into therapist speak and started to lecture us about equating sex with love and intimacy. Well, mostly me. I wasn’t sure what Maren’s problem with guys was. She didn’t seem to date assholes, but she never picked winners either. Stella was convinced she was still hung up on her high school ex, and sometimes I thought she might be right, although Maren always denied it.
“Thank you,” said Stella. “What about you? How was your weekend?”
“Fine. Friday night, I hung out with Nate, and last night I had a wedding. Then I hung out with Nate again afterward.”
“Nate the guy across the hall?” Stella’s tone was surprised. “I thought you were just friends.”
“We are just friends. I didn’t stay the night or anything. I only went to help him out.”
“With what?” Maren asked.
I paused to take a sip of coffee and consider how much I should tell them. I didn’t want to betray Nate’s confidence, but he wasn’t going to be able to keep his daughter a secret forever, and I knew I could trust my sisters. We had our differences, but our bond was solid. “Okay, you can’t say a word about this to anyone yet, but he found out he has a baby daughter.”
Maren gasped. “When?”
“Late Friday night when I was there, the mother left her outside Nate’s door with a letter saying she was his.” I summarized the contents of the letter and described Nate’s reaction.
“He fainted?” Stella asked.
I nodded. “Went down like a giant elm. Although he denies it.”
“Of course he does.”
At that point our meals arrived, and I waited until the server had left to go on, telling them about the first night I’d spent in his apartment.
“You slept over? Did anything happen?”
I picked up the little pitcher of maple syrup and soaked my stack of pancakes. “No. He only asked me to stay to help with her. Honestly, he is clueless when it comes to babies.”
“What single guy isn’t?” Maren popped a strawberry in her mouth.
Digging into my breakfast, I told them about the phone call with Rachel.
“Holy shit,” remarked Stella. “I can’t believe a mother would abandon her child to a stranger for a month. For any length of time at all. I wonder what’s going on there.”
“No idea,” I said, my mouth full of fluffy, maple-soaked deliciousness. “She’s lucky Nate is a good guy.”
“Is he, though?” Stella cocked her head to one side. “You’ve told me some stories. I wouldn’t think he’s the dad type.”
“I wouldn’t have either,” Maren added, “based on what you’ve said about him.”
“He wasn’t,” I agreed. “But he doesn’t really have a choice now, and he’s trying really hard. You should see him with her. It’s so sweet.” In my mind I could still see him hold her up so he could smell her freshly washed hair. My belly fluttered.
“You’re not doing all the work?” Stella sounded suspicious.
“Not at all!” I felt defensive about Nate. “I mean, I had to show him how to do everything, because he’s never had any experience with a baby, but he’s getting the hang of things. He feeds her and changes her and burps her and rocks her to sleep, and we gave her a bath together last night. Right in the kitchen sink, and afterward he took her and dried her off and got her ready for bed. So damn sweet.”
My sisters exchanged an amused glance. “You mentioned that.”
“What?” I demanded. “What’s that look for?”
“Be careful, Em,” Stella said. “Don’t let him take advantage of you.”
“What do you mean?”
Maren chimed in. “She means don’t let him think he’s got a sexy nanny living across the hall at his beck and call.”
“He doesn’t think that,” I said, annoyed. “I volunteered to help him. And we didn’t have sex! We’re just friends.”
“Okay, don’t get angry. I just know how you get and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“How I get?” I set my fork down too, my appetite diminished.
“Yes,” Stella said in her I-am-a-therapist-so-I-know-more-about-your-feelings-than-you-do voice. “When you get a crush on someone, you go kamikaze immediately. And your crushes are never on guys who want that.”
“I don’t have a crush on him,” I lied, staring at my plate. “We only messed around a little. Jeez. I’m sorry I told you.”
Stella sighed. “No, no. Don’t be sorry—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, Emme, I only want you to be careful. I’ve seen you fall for the wrong guy, hard and fast, plenty of times.”
“I’m not falling for anybody,” I said, hoping it was true, “Nobody is falling, so you can stop worrying. Nobody is even having sex. Although if we did decide to have sex, it would be nobody’s business but our own. After all, if you and Buzz can have dating without sex, why couldn’t Nate and I have sex without dating? Everybody should be free to do what they want.”
“You’re right,” said Stella in a voice so calm it irked me. “You’re right and I’m sorry. Different relationships work for different reasons, and I hope you and Nate have one that works for you. If it’s sexual without being romantic and you’re okay with it, then great.”
“We only want you to be happy,” said Maren, rubbing my shoulder.
“Thank you.” I picked up my fork again and stabbed through my stack of pancakes, but I really didn’t want any more.
Would I really be okay having sex without romance? On the ride home, I thought about it. The truth was, I wasn’t sure. I’d never wanted to be that kind of person before. Maybe that was my trouble. Maybe it wasn’t men who disappointed me; maybe I was setting myself up for disappointment every time by expecting too much.
Maybe, as Nate had put it, sometimes a fuck really was just a fuck.
After all, it was mostly about anatomy, right? Intercourse. Penetration. Insert Part A into Slot B. Why, I wondered, had I always been so convinced there had to be emotions involved? Couldn’t you do it because it felt good? Because it relieved tension? Because it made you feel sexy and desirable and wanted? Look how good I’d felt in my skin this morning after that orgasm last night—good enough to wake up early and do yoga, for goodness sake! When was the last time I’d done that on a Sunday morning?
She sat up taller. “It’s very good for the environment, you know.”
“I do know. Because he’s told me multiple times.”
“Bzzz,” agreed Maren.
“Be nice,” said Stella. “He’s a good guy, smart and successful, and he treats me well. At this point in my life, I’ll take it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Stella, you’re thirty-two, not eighty.”
“Still.”
I could tell she was getting testy. “Okay, okay. Sorry. Did either of you guys go out last night?”
“Not me,” said Maren.
“Walter and I went to dinner and saw a film down at the DIA, then came back to my house.”
“Did he finally sting you?” I couldn’t resist, even though I knew the answer. Stella and Buzz did not have sex. This made my sister and her relationship even more baffling to Maren and me. If you were going to date a boring guy, wouldn’t you at least want him to have a big dick or something?
She sighed and set down her cup, staring into it. “No, he didn’t. I told you, it’s not like that with us.”
“I still don’t get that,” said Maren before I could. “What’s the point of having a boyfriend if you don’t have sex? Are you even attracted to him?”
“Yes, but our attraction is based more on mutual respect and admiration than on physical chemistry. We have a lot in common and enjoy spending time together. That’s enough for me right now. Not every relationship needs sex to feel complete.”
“Okay, as long as you are happy, we’re happy for you.” I wanted to cut her off before she went into therapist speak and started to lecture us about equating sex with love and intimacy. Well, mostly me. I wasn’t sure what Maren’s problem with guys was. She didn’t seem to date assholes, but she never picked winners either. Stella was convinced she was still hung up on her high school ex, and sometimes I thought she might be right, although Maren always denied it.
“Thank you,” said Stella. “What about you? How was your weekend?”
“Fine. Friday night, I hung out with Nate, and last night I had a wedding. Then I hung out with Nate again afterward.”
“Nate the guy across the hall?” Stella’s tone was surprised. “I thought you were just friends.”
“We are just friends. I didn’t stay the night or anything. I only went to help him out.”
“With what?” Maren asked.
I paused to take a sip of coffee and consider how much I should tell them. I didn’t want to betray Nate’s confidence, but he wasn’t going to be able to keep his daughter a secret forever, and I knew I could trust my sisters. We had our differences, but our bond was solid. “Okay, you can’t say a word about this to anyone yet, but he found out he has a baby daughter.”
Maren gasped. “When?”
“Late Friday night when I was there, the mother left her outside Nate’s door with a letter saying she was his.” I summarized the contents of the letter and described Nate’s reaction.
“He fainted?” Stella asked.
I nodded. “Went down like a giant elm. Although he denies it.”
“Of course he does.”
At that point our meals arrived, and I waited until the server had left to go on, telling them about the first night I’d spent in his apartment.
“You slept over? Did anything happen?”
I picked up the little pitcher of maple syrup and soaked my stack of pancakes. “No. He only asked me to stay to help with her. Honestly, he is clueless when it comes to babies.”
“What single guy isn’t?” Maren popped a strawberry in her mouth.
Digging into my breakfast, I told them about the phone call with Rachel.
“Holy shit,” remarked Stella. “I can’t believe a mother would abandon her child to a stranger for a month. For any length of time at all. I wonder what’s going on there.”
“No idea,” I said, my mouth full of fluffy, maple-soaked deliciousness. “She’s lucky Nate is a good guy.”
“Is he, though?” Stella cocked her head to one side. “You’ve told me some stories. I wouldn’t think he’s the dad type.”
“I wouldn’t have either,” Maren added, “based on what you’ve said about him.”
“He wasn’t,” I agreed. “But he doesn’t really have a choice now, and he’s trying really hard. You should see him with her. It’s so sweet.” In my mind I could still see him hold her up so he could smell her freshly washed hair. My belly fluttered.
“You’re not doing all the work?” Stella sounded suspicious.
“Not at all!” I felt defensive about Nate. “I mean, I had to show him how to do everything, because he’s never had any experience with a baby, but he’s getting the hang of things. He feeds her and changes her and burps her and rocks her to sleep, and we gave her a bath together last night. Right in the kitchen sink, and afterward he took her and dried her off and got her ready for bed. So damn sweet.”
My sisters exchanged an amused glance. “You mentioned that.”
“What?” I demanded. “What’s that look for?”
“Be careful, Em,” Stella said. “Don’t let him take advantage of you.”
“What do you mean?”
Maren chimed in. “She means don’t let him think he’s got a sexy nanny living across the hall at his beck and call.”
“He doesn’t think that,” I said, annoyed. “I volunteered to help him. And we didn’t have sex! We’re just friends.”
“Okay, don’t get angry. I just know how you get and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“How I get?” I set my fork down too, my appetite diminished.
“Yes,” Stella said in her I-am-a-therapist-so-I-know-more-about-your-feelings-than-you-do voice. “When you get a crush on someone, you go kamikaze immediately. And your crushes are never on guys who want that.”
“I don’t have a crush on him,” I lied, staring at my plate. “We only messed around a little. Jeez. I’m sorry I told you.”
Stella sighed. “No, no. Don’t be sorry—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, Emme, I only want you to be careful. I’ve seen you fall for the wrong guy, hard and fast, plenty of times.”
“I’m not falling for anybody,” I said, hoping it was true, “Nobody is falling, so you can stop worrying. Nobody is even having sex. Although if we did decide to have sex, it would be nobody’s business but our own. After all, if you and Buzz can have dating without sex, why couldn’t Nate and I have sex without dating? Everybody should be free to do what they want.”
“You’re right,” said Stella in a voice so calm it irked me. “You’re right and I’m sorry. Different relationships work for different reasons, and I hope you and Nate have one that works for you. If it’s sexual without being romantic and you’re okay with it, then great.”
“We only want you to be happy,” said Maren, rubbing my shoulder.
“Thank you.” I picked up my fork again and stabbed through my stack of pancakes, but I really didn’t want any more.
Would I really be okay having sex without romance? On the ride home, I thought about it. The truth was, I wasn’t sure. I’d never wanted to be that kind of person before. Maybe that was my trouble. Maybe it wasn’t men who disappointed me; maybe I was setting myself up for disappointment every time by expecting too much.
Maybe, as Nate had put it, sometimes a fuck really was just a fuck.
After all, it was mostly about anatomy, right? Intercourse. Penetration. Insert Part A into Slot B. Why, I wondered, had I always been so convinced there had to be emotions involved? Couldn’t you do it because it felt good? Because it relieved tension? Because it made you feel sexy and desirable and wanted? Look how good I’d felt in my skin this morning after that orgasm last night—good enough to wake up early and do yoga, for goodness sake! When was the last time I’d done that on a Sunday morning?
