Opening Up
Page 65
Begging for scraps of her father’s affection had left her disheartened and worn out. When she’d left Colman and had also been estranged from Asa, she’d been able to pour everything into her business, and it had been exactly the right thing.
“There are a lot of things I don’t know. But I’m good at custom paint. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard work. It’s expensive to do it right. I have to constantly innovate and update my skills. And I love it. I don’t need to defend my life to anyone. And I’m not going to for Howard Colman Jr.”
Shawn put his hands up. “Preaching to the choir. I just think Mom expects this dinner to be something it won’t. As far as your work goes, I’ve always been proud of you. But I’ve seen enough to be thrilled by your success. You don’t have to defend yourself to me. I love you. I just thought you should know.”
“I appreciate it. I do need to know, even when it’s tiresome and it makes me sad.”
“I’ve only talked to you here and there for the last six weeks or so. I get updates through Julie but I don’t know much about your private life. Tell me about him. All I know is that he’s big, bad, and inked,” Shawn said.
She nodded. “He is all those things. But he’s kind. And gentle. He worries about how I’ll feel about things. It’s nice.” She didn’t need to tell Shawn about the bare-knuckles fighting or the kind of crazy stuff he and his buddies did on the regular. Shawn wouldn’t understand, though he’d try because he loved her.
“He’s smart and really talented. He and his partner, they’re geniuses with machines. He…” PJ looked up at her brother. “He listens to me, Shawn. He listens to me and he takes me seriously.”
“All right. Well, that’s what I need, really. If you’re happy, I’m good. You and I need to get together with Jay and Julie and work out when you’re coming back to Colman.”
She sat back and shrugged. “I don’t know if I want to.”
Shawn shook his head. “No way, PJ. You said resigning was your way of making your point but that you’d come back. That was the only reason I didn’t make a bigger fuss at the time. You not being part of Colman isn’t what I agreed to. Neither did Julie. Even Jay is unhappy. I’m holding you to the promise you made.”
“As I was driving up here I realized how many times I’d made this trip just hoping I could get him to see how hard I was trying. And I realized it was never going to happen. Whatever his reasons, he’s cool with not being close with me. Worse, he’s cool forcing me into a place that would slowly destroy me over the years. Why should I do that? And make no mistake, if I returned I’d be saying that was what I was worth,” PJ said.
Shawn didn’t interrupt; he knew she wasn’t done.
“Right now I don’t have to share my profits, which are modest, but they pay my bills. I don’t have to tiptoe around and pretend I’m not successful so as not to offend anyone that I might be doing better. My hours are my own. My choices are my own. Quitting was the best thing I ever did because when I had to put things together to make my business work, I realized I could do so much more than I thought possible. That encouragement is never going to come from my boss if I return to Colman.”
Shawn sighed. “I’m sorry you felt that way. But we can change things. I miss you. I miss building a future with you and Julie and Jay. I used to see you at least five days a week. When was the last time I saw you in person, PJ? This is our company. Ours. Don’t run off. Stand and fight.”
“I do miss you and Julie, even Jay. But it takes a lot of energy to fight all the time, and I did a lot of it alone. I don’t miss that. I don’t miss feeling like no matter what I do they won’t notice because I’m not a son.”
“But we’re all old enough to change that. I keep saying this to Jay and Julie. Why do we wait around for what Dad and Fee decide?”
“Because they’re in charge.”
“They’re in charge because we allow it.”
“Are you talking insurrection? I’m gone for not quite four months and you’re already leading a revolution?”
He wasn’t amused, though. “Is it such a bad idea, PJ? This is my company, but I’m stuck waiting for Fee to pull his thumb out so he can pretend it’s his work and take credit. Julie is smarter than everyone above her but she waits. Jay, well, he’s a dick, yes, but that’s how he was raised. They made him this way. He’s our brother and he’s good at his job.”
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot. At first I thought like you did. But now? Now I don’t agree so much. Jay isn’t good enough at his job that I’d believe he could lead Colman. Not right now. He’s spineless.”
Shawn’s shocked expression made her sit forward and speak quietly. “It makes me so frustrated that you’re surprised by that. I sat there after tossing him some of my biggest clients and he was still so worried about Fee and whatever he might say to Dad that he did nothing to help me. That’s not leadership unless he planned to do that very thing. I get it; he was worried about his job, but come on. Until he grows a spine and stands up when he needs to, I don’t think he’s a better leader than Fee or Dad.” She shrugged. “Leading is more than sitting at the head of that table. This is why I’m not convinced coming back is what I need. Or what Colman needs. I’d rather be successful on my own without tearing down Colman on my way out.”
“There are a lot of things I don’t know. But I’m good at custom paint. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard work. It’s expensive to do it right. I have to constantly innovate and update my skills. And I love it. I don’t need to defend my life to anyone. And I’m not going to for Howard Colman Jr.”
Shawn put his hands up. “Preaching to the choir. I just think Mom expects this dinner to be something it won’t. As far as your work goes, I’ve always been proud of you. But I’ve seen enough to be thrilled by your success. You don’t have to defend yourself to me. I love you. I just thought you should know.”
“I appreciate it. I do need to know, even when it’s tiresome and it makes me sad.”
“I’ve only talked to you here and there for the last six weeks or so. I get updates through Julie but I don’t know much about your private life. Tell me about him. All I know is that he’s big, bad, and inked,” Shawn said.
She nodded. “He is all those things. But he’s kind. And gentle. He worries about how I’ll feel about things. It’s nice.” She didn’t need to tell Shawn about the bare-knuckles fighting or the kind of crazy stuff he and his buddies did on the regular. Shawn wouldn’t understand, though he’d try because he loved her.
“He’s smart and really talented. He and his partner, they’re geniuses with machines. He…” PJ looked up at her brother. “He listens to me, Shawn. He listens to me and he takes me seriously.”
“All right. Well, that’s what I need, really. If you’re happy, I’m good. You and I need to get together with Jay and Julie and work out when you’re coming back to Colman.”
She sat back and shrugged. “I don’t know if I want to.”
Shawn shook his head. “No way, PJ. You said resigning was your way of making your point but that you’d come back. That was the only reason I didn’t make a bigger fuss at the time. You not being part of Colman isn’t what I agreed to. Neither did Julie. Even Jay is unhappy. I’m holding you to the promise you made.”
“As I was driving up here I realized how many times I’d made this trip just hoping I could get him to see how hard I was trying. And I realized it was never going to happen. Whatever his reasons, he’s cool with not being close with me. Worse, he’s cool forcing me into a place that would slowly destroy me over the years. Why should I do that? And make no mistake, if I returned I’d be saying that was what I was worth,” PJ said.
Shawn didn’t interrupt; he knew she wasn’t done.
“Right now I don’t have to share my profits, which are modest, but they pay my bills. I don’t have to tiptoe around and pretend I’m not successful so as not to offend anyone that I might be doing better. My hours are my own. My choices are my own. Quitting was the best thing I ever did because when I had to put things together to make my business work, I realized I could do so much more than I thought possible. That encouragement is never going to come from my boss if I return to Colman.”
Shawn sighed. “I’m sorry you felt that way. But we can change things. I miss you. I miss building a future with you and Julie and Jay. I used to see you at least five days a week. When was the last time I saw you in person, PJ? This is our company. Ours. Don’t run off. Stand and fight.”
“I do miss you and Julie, even Jay. But it takes a lot of energy to fight all the time, and I did a lot of it alone. I don’t miss that. I don’t miss feeling like no matter what I do they won’t notice because I’m not a son.”
“But we’re all old enough to change that. I keep saying this to Jay and Julie. Why do we wait around for what Dad and Fee decide?”
“Because they’re in charge.”
“They’re in charge because we allow it.”
“Are you talking insurrection? I’m gone for not quite four months and you’re already leading a revolution?”
He wasn’t amused, though. “Is it such a bad idea, PJ? This is my company, but I’m stuck waiting for Fee to pull his thumb out so he can pretend it’s his work and take credit. Julie is smarter than everyone above her but she waits. Jay, well, he’s a dick, yes, but that’s how he was raised. They made him this way. He’s our brother and he’s good at his job.”
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot. At first I thought like you did. But now? Now I don’t agree so much. Jay isn’t good enough at his job that I’d believe he could lead Colman. Not right now. He’s spineless.”
Shawn’s shocked expression made her sit forward and speak quietly. “It makes me so frustrated that you’re surprised by that. I sat there after tossing him some of my biggest clients and he was still so worried about Fee and whatever he might say to Dad that he did nothing to help me. That’s not leadership unless he planned to do that very thing. I get it; he was worried about his job, but come on. Until he grows a spine and stands up when he needs to, I don’t think he’s a better leader than Fee or Dad.” She shrugged. “Leading is more than sitting at the head of that table. This is why I’m not convinced coming back is what I need. Or what Colman needs. I’d rather be successful on my own without tearing down Colman on my way out.”
